SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We have been faithful in our marriage other than this recent incident.

I did catch her cheating while we were engaged

This, combined with you getting Herpes two years into your marriage proves that the first statement is incorrect.

You need to open a new bank account, in your name only, and move most of the money from your joint account into it. Change any direct deposit to that account. Remove her as a beneficiary, on that and your life insurance.

Since you pay for the phone, look online and find the "unknown" phone number. Then cancel her phone. Take the phone to a pro or get something like Dr. Fone and retrieve as many text messages as you can

See a lawyer and file. These suggestions are all consequences for being a serial cheater and spending money you earned on the POS OM.

ummm... I refuse to get banned over this thread. But I have to say that OP needs to find some self respect and find the character necessary to get rid of this serial cheat so-called wife of his.

Her actions are disgusting and as much as I want to tone it down, I can't over this one. It's insanity that this has happened. It's even worse that OP looks at reconciliation

Get.

Out.

Now!

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 11:34 PM, August 19th (Saturday)]

I haven't read all the posts on this thread, frankly, because I've been too disgusted. One rule applies here: BEHAVIOR NEVER LIES!!! She's been screwing some guy in your bed...for a year...while giving you 'charity sex' once a month. She has you paying for her to live in nice place, but doesn't work...at all. Do you even come home to a hot meal? A clean house? You pay for her phone...YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO LOOK THROUGH IT! If she complains about privacy, just=say you're not invading her privacy, just uncovering her secrecy. I can't even go on about the cruise. I just can't.

You've got to stand up and be a man.

"Now I don't know what to do"?

This is your inner voice speaking to you....you know the one you quit listening to and trusting for some reason.....you know what you got to do....quit being afraid and do it!!

I hope you are ok and just busy making arrangements to leave this bitch behind you.

Do not even mention R unless you are ok being in an open marriage where ylur WW nsils guys spends your money and lies to you. She wont let you see her phone because she is hiding things from you. If you pay that bill, cancel her service.

For your own sake take some control over your life. Forget about what she wants and do what you want.

Tell your friends your family everyone. Tell the security company that guy isnt allowed past the gate and if he shows up you want a phone call.

I am very sorry, but I think the immaculate herpes conception is a bit too much.

This does not seem real.

Thank you for all the replies.

The last few hours have been pretty crazy. You guys have freaked me out kind of. I thought I had a bad marriage situation but I never worried about my physical wellbeing.

I was in bed next to my sleeping wife but I couldn't sleep, just looking at her. I came back out to write back to you. My head is swimming.

A lot has happened in the last few hours.

My wife and I had a huge blow out fight. I accused her of holding out, that she must know how to get in contact with the OM, that I was going to leave her if she didn't tell me who he is. She threatened me basically saying she will get the security guard fired and she will contact my work and get me fired saying that I am sleeping with people on my team (NOT TRUE) if I pursue that matter. Then she broke down crying and begged that things would be the way they were before. She even tried to put her hand into my jeans (which is not something she has done since we were dating.)

I left angry and brought my computer and sat in my car in the parking lot of Safeway, reading threads here and just my mind swimming. I called the security guard (who had given me his cell #, he doesn't work Saturday) and told him my wife was acting crazy but I would support him if he got in trouble. I also mentioned the personal safety concern a few of you have mentioned. He added a detail which he hadn't said before, which is that he's seen OM and another man several times in the last month just driving through the development. Not always stopping at our house, not involved with my wife at all that he saw. He offered it as "take it or leave it" but said OM does not live in our community but has a cardkey which is typical of people who work in the community (like gardner or nanny) but he is NOT on the list. So maybe my wife loaned a card?

I also went onto the computer to look at insurance and phone records as suggested and two very interesting things came up. Number one, we had what's called an "open enrollment" period at my work in July where we can choose things like new benefits. My life insurance has increased by 6x, the maximum it can increase without a physical. I DID NOT DO THAT. I didn't change anything. So I need to call the insurance company on Monday.

Also, I went into our Verizon account and my wife's phone is not on our account anymore and it hasn't been since January! There is another number instead (a different 509 area code) that is not my wife's number, so the bill stayed the same amount, but that phone number has no activity at all.

So I am shocked and don't know what's going on. I didn't tell my wife yet that I know these things. Though I am thinking about telling her tomorrow.

I am so confused like I said my head is spinning. I really thought last week we were almost fully R. Now I am worried about my safety? This cannot be my life.

Dude... Don't tell her ANYTHING. Don't confront. Don't show your hand. Get a lawyer, get paperwork started, and at least begin the process of divorcing her. I know it's scary. You can stop the process at any time. Your life may be in danger, and at the very least, your wife is still actively involved in an affair.

I don't imagine that, even if it's just an affair, you want to live like that.

DO NOT TELL HER ANYTHING!!!

I read this whole thread with my mouth open in shock on my phone, and when I read your last post, I booked it to my laptop so that I could respond.

My friend, I'm not usually a poster on here who suggests drastic action, but in this case I will. Something is very, very wrong with this picture and you need to put yourself FIRST starting right NOW.

The life insurance thing? It's chilling. I'm not kidding...something is NOT right here.

What, are these two dudes casing the place? Are they formulating a freaking plan or something? Also, what the frick is wrong with your wife (I'm struggling not to use a meaner word) that she responds to these discoveries with threats?? The things you've found out about her would put any normal person to SHAME (assuming they could do it in the first place, which most wouldn't - bringing her OM on your vacation?? NOPE NOPE NOPETTY NOPE). She doesn't seem to feel anything akin to shame, which makes me think she's some kind of sociopath.

This probably all sounds very dramatic to you, but please please - believe me when I say I am NOT a dramatic person. And I agree 100% with Forged and the others who have said you are not safe. We here at SI, the good-hearted security guard (bless that man, he may have saved you in more ways than one) - we have nothing to gain by saying these things. We have no ulterior motives. Your wife does.

My advice (after all that blowhardedness and doom-gloom) - I agree. Do NOT tell her ANYTHING. She doesn't deserve that consideration and it's better for you to keep your cards close to your chest. She has shown no compassion, no honesty and no inclination that she cares about you at all and has, in fact, hinted that she is actually, literally dangerous to you.

She doesn't get to be a part of the process anymore. No. No no no. Do not tell her anything. Don't go home. Go somewhere else, and contact an attorney ASAP tomorrow.

Seriously. I've never felt so strongly about a story here on SI. Get yourself out of this. NOW.

[This message edited by beauchateaux at 1:31 AM, August 20th (Sunday)]

I feel nothing but fear for you. Another one here who doesn’t post much but I can safely say this is one of the most terrifying things I’ve read on here.

There cannot be any grounds for R. This woman is beyond manipulative, and I fear for your safety

Do not tell her anything. Repeat... do not tell her anything.

Get online today and review local divorce and family law attornies in your area. Set up appointments with as many as possible ASAP, and visit them to explain your story and learn your rights.

Washington state is no fault, without adultery as a rule for divorce, but you'll learn more by speaking with a local attorney. Lawyer up ASAP.

DON'T TELL HER ANYTHING! DON'T CONFRONT!

She upped your life insurance 6-fold. You're paying for a phone that you didn't authorize. She's allowing OM and friends free access to your gated community. I'm scared for you and your neighbors, too.

Use today to map out a plan. Lawyer, change passwords to all accounts...banking, benefits, phone, cable, wifi, etc. and don't say shit about it. Change up your routine; stop being so predictable. Be prepared to call lawyers and others on Monday as soon as it's business hours.

Do you have family/friends that you can talk to?

Single question: Do you trust your wife anymore? What is your next move?

Monotone, on another note, she should be the one wanting to R and you should be the decision maker, not the other way around. When you say you really want to R with her, after reading your post and her suspicious activity all these years (the cheating when you were engaged and etc.) you should really really be alert and you need to be pulling yourself back. Everybody here will agree that it does not work when you desperately try to R with someone who has crushed your trust into pieces and you know only some of the things that has happened. You will not salvage your marriage if you do not pull yourself back and show her the door. The famous saying "If you want to save your marriage, you have to risk losing it" goes here very well. She is the cheater, a very conscious one and you are the victim ! So, please take your steps accordingly. I would still ask my question "what will the following years with her bring me?" but I do not want to delve into your deep personal thoughts and emotions. Good luck...

Really hurts because you are being played big time. Similar things happened to me. My husband kept lying and minimising. Said it was one night stand when by then it was 20. I kept rugsweeoing and he kept doing more. Send her packing asap. For your own sake. She will just you much more later if you don't. She wants to eat her cake and have it. Send her out OP please.

Don't tell her anything, don't confront her any more. Get out of the house and do what Forged said. Try to say calm, and act as if you are "thinking things out". Say that you need time alone if confronted by her.

Hope that you are safe.

Monotone after reading your last post I have to say without a doubt I am suspicious that your WW has made some plans that will certainlt put your life in danger: 1.The increased value of the life insurance without your knowledge is not a mistake It is quite possible your WW had the OM call the insurance company impersonating you. I mean she has all the information regarding your policy so it would be an easy process/call especially from your home telephone. 2.The fact that she had OM on the cruise and had him engaging you in conversation at dinners is a well set plan in motion. She brought him there to a neutral place so he could get to know you to see you in person (so that there will be no errors) your WW and OM are up to some serious business where you are concerned. This is bigger that just an affair. 3.The idea of OM and someone else driving around in a secured community where they have no business or affiliations and with a key card is highly suspect. What could they be scouting your neighborhood for? IMO there is a plan in place and OM is doing "test runs" 4. Her plan is also to get rid of the security videos because it will be damning evidence (because it shows her and OM together) I do not think she realized this until you told her, so thats an unexpected wrench in heer/their plans. The fact that she told you initially that it was a one time occurrence and that she did not know the OM and later on telling you that she had no contact information for him is a dead give away - thats the way for you to not be overly suspicious and not associate them beyond the affair. Hence her pre-emptive strike/threat regarding the security guard. Please pay ayyention to the advice you are getting. Protect yourself; notify the insurance company, the bank (s) your family; any trusted friend and ultimately make a tentative report to law enforcement with your attorney. Don't take anything for granted where this woman is concerned. How old are you both by the way? This is way bigger than you think or feel. You were never to find out about the affair, so hence their ultimate plan is botched. She has been in this affair for a long time but with the likely goal to get rid of you ( or so it seems)

Your WW continues to lie and she has to because her and OM's plan is too close to call now. DO NOT reveal anything/no information that you you know/have to her.