SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She's crying because she's rudderless.

She started the shit in full control, thinking she could orchestrate the outcome.

She failed, and failed miserably.

She didn't forsee you fighting like a champ. But that's besides the point now.

Please stay the 180.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 7:38 PM, September 10th (Sunday)]

Please, just stop it:

- No more texts

- Maintain the 180

If you keep this up you will lose all you gained. Think man and be sensible.

Dude you are kicking ass like a champ. It seems to be your number one priority at the moment.

Let me ask you a question. What part of this situation do you see being your number one priority in say, a year from now? 10 years? 40 years?

What are you doing right now to maximize that #1 priority outcome? What are you doing right now to potentially jeopardize that outcome?

Agreeing with all others, NC and 180 now, time to be patient, they're in full damage control mode right now. Give them a little time to calculate the odds and run all the scenerios in their heads. You have limited their options so now you can spend time working out the financial crap. I'm sure that part really sucks but your can present her with a "best case" option that will be her obvious choice. Stay steps ahead of her. Lead her to your destination. It's your turn to manipulate the situation. Use it!

[This message edited by twisted at 8:57 PM, September 10th (Sunday)]

I agree with twisted.

The two are in complete turmoil.

Stay a step ahead in fortifying your position. You're now the one who call the shots.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 10:32 PM, September 10th (Sunday)]

Forgot to mention thisearlier . A previous poster was spot on. She said a day or two ago that OM was her soulmate and she could not give him up to keep her family together. I had asked her to drop him for that reason and she told me the soulmate shit and even trying would be cheating on him..... lol cheating on your boyfriend with your husband is wrong, but not vice versa. What kind of thought process is that? Lol

She's crying because she realizes you're not willing to bankroll her lifestyle while she has a boyfriend. Seriously, it's regret at best but not really because she would still rather keep him than keep your marriage. Don't ask her to drop him again. See a lawyer and work on getting a divorce. Once she is served with papers, she might change her mind but don't expect anything less.

Don't think papers will even do it. She wants a divorce

GW, I know you want the OM & your WW to hurt as much as you do. The 'need' to hurt those that hurt you is primal, and I would bet that you are the type that fights instead of flight.

Nevertheless, I think these games that you are playing are not worth it. It is as childish as your WW saying that she will hate you forever if you expose her AP. Please don't drop down to their level. You are better than that.

Please set your head on right, and maintain the 180, and don't send her articles to read, or ask her what she thought of the article, and so on. Keep your interactions at 'arms length'. Detach.

The next thing is to get your D process rolling as soon as possible, unless you want your WW back. The longer you delay this, the chances of something else complicating it will happen.

Financial issues are real, and am fully aware that they need to be considered, but look at it this way, money can be earned back. Quality time with your children cannot....

My gosh!

The woman is living in fantasy land.

Stay the course. Silently.

She said a day or two ago that OM was her soulmate and she could not give him up to keep her family together.

GW, this is a MAJOR leverage for you. Forget about any chance of R for the moment. This is your kids E ticket out your WW's infidelity shitsville. Tell her you understand she needs to be with her soulmate, her "twin flame", that you will take care of the kids so she can have all the time in the world with her "density"...I mean her "destiny" and have her sign something that pretty much amounts to you having full custody.

When waywards mention shit like "soulmate", she's pretty much bought in hook, line, and sinker. She had drunk the gallon worth of koolaide.

Here's the thing, i offered to fly her down her to him to live. She refused because she says she will not leave her kids. Won't leave her kids, but won't leave him to fix her family because he is her soulmate. ... un fucking real. It's like she's mental now. This whole thing will unravel soon enough. I don't know how she plans to sustain a relationship with her soulmate over a phone. No physical contact, he can't do shit for her but talk. Not gonna last. And she is so deep in the fog right now it's not even funny.

Wow - I've been following this and it IS unreal. Have you asked her how she sees this working out then? If she won't move to be with him? Does she think she's taking the kids with her? Or is he planning to move? She can't seriously expect to continue living with you?

You have handled this so well in really intolerable circumstances. She is so far gone.

So what? This is submarine boy's 6th soul mate? How is he going to finance his latest soul mate after losing his clearance? I agree with doing the 180 but not letting him know he's been exposed seems counter productive. I would ask your wife where he plans on living after the court martial. The more pressure you apply the quicker this may fall apart rather than letting him have more time to seal the deal.

GW

I feel too much emphasis is placed on feeding the infidelity and not enough on getting out of infidelity.

She’s told you numerous times with her words and her actions what she wants. She wants out of the marriage and she wants OM. Short of chaining her in the cellar then there really isn’t any way you can make her stay. Even then… do you want to be married to a woman that believes she’s being forced to remain with you?

Think this through: You are focusing so much on destroying OM in some hope that once his livelihood is threatened he will deny your wife. Or that once she sees he can’t support her financially she will remain with you. Neither is really a good basis to build a reconciling marriage on.

Plus – the ongoing threats only push your wife further away from you. In these threats, she finds something that unites her with the OM and feeds her emotions that any relationship with you is impossible. If she has any doubts about her relationship with OM, all she needs is to get into a confrontation with you and her commitment to him is reaffirmed.

Then there are things like justifying to friends who is acting better… This isn’t a popularity contest. Once you and your wife divorce some friends will go with her, some with you. You won’t go to your BIL for Thanksgiving or visit with her mom. There isn’t a scorecard outlining who “wins” the divorce. Tell the truth because you do have that on your side: We are divorcing because WW is having an affair and won’t chose to work on the marriage. That all you need to say.

Focus on your real problems. Right now, saving your marriage isn’t one of them. It’s not a problem because right now it’s not an option.

Focus on the financial mess you two are in. I take it you have already followed the advice already offered and asked a consultant/attorney whether to file bankruptcy and/or before or after filing for D.

Focus on the business side of divorce.

Focus on your kid’s well-being during this process.

Focus on reality and let go of all this win-her-back and revenge fantasy.

Honestly – Your ABSOLUTE best bet for possibly getting her to reconsider is once she sees you are moving on and have let her go.

So you feel like OM should not have been exposed? He should just get a free pass for destroying my family? I disagree. His exposure is not to win her back, his exposure is a consequence of his actions. There is a price to pay for everything we do. My price is to lose my wife, almost loose my career, the prospect of losing every thing I have worked so hard for, my kids well being, my well being, enduring a month of mental abuse and basically having his dick rubbed in my face while I fought like a wildcat to save things. That is no fantasy. That is my reality. His exposure will cost his career. It's not for her, her consequences are coming in droves on their own. He knew the risks coming into this and chose to ignore them. Her hating me for turning him in is akin to the drug dealer hating the police for arresting them. You did the dirty biutbits my fault you got caught. Sorry, I don't buy that. He's gotten away with this god knows how many times he's gotten away with thisnin his career, he never messed with the right one til now. I'm at the point that I don't care if she ever comes back, but they are not walking off into the sunset Scott free. As far as her taking anything, she has no money or resources to get a lawyer, so like him, she is at my mercy. She's been to 7 lawyers and can't afford 30 minutes with one. If he was gonna help he'd have paid for the first one. The only thing he's offfered is to pay her filing fee. So I am finally in control and can proceed at my pace driving this car.

It‘s your life and you can do what you want with it.

The way I look at it is that there are 24 hours in a day. You have a whole boatload of problems, ranging from your wife’s infidelity, the impact it has on your wellbeing, on your kids, the finances and all that. You have already gotten some advice on how to proceed with the VERY SERIOUS and long-term issue of your finances. I’m guessing you have spent more time in the last 24 hours thinking of how to impact OM and your wife than you have on your finances or even on your kids well-being.

This site is about surviving infidelity. I am suggesting you focus on survival and spend whatever time left over from that battle for survival for less important things like the OM.

The financial issues are sorted. I'm filing chapter 13. The attorney is finishing the paperwork and going to file. So that is taken care of. The next step once the thirteen goes into effect is divorce, so I have thought it out. 13 was a priority to save the house for me and the kids .

As far as the kids go, I've been talking to them , reassuring them. I am going to set up some counseling for them this afternoon. So thought has been put into that as well.

So glad you've got the financial part figured out, that's always the ugly part. I do agree your next step is getting her removed from the house if possible. Get you out of the infidelity. It may require legal action, otherwise I'm not sure how you can do that short of "let's make a deal" as Timeless suggested. I'd like to hear more ideas.

As to those who are cautioning not to focus on revenge and the OM, yeah, okay, I get it, we all get it, take the high road, you are better than them, and all that moral stuff. I'm not running for Pope, and you aren't either. If the OM goes down in flames, so be it. Satisfaction of consequences for his actions I would smile about, without a tinge of guilt.

She wants out, give it to her as fast as possible. Where is she moving too? Can she find a place?, Family? Friends?