SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Have you not filed for divorce yet???

Did you have your police friend with you to this dinner?

If not you're playing with fire!!!!

Even having your police friend there why are you engaging her???

Yes, I had the police friend there. I was engaged in the conversation because of the business we own. There are certain things that can't wait for the divorce to be finalized (at least in my messed up mind).

Have you not filed for divorce yet???

The lawyer has it all under control. I expect her to be served sometime next week.

Duh, she’s trying to play the since you can’t have me, you will want what you can’t have. She is also trying to make you feel jealous.

You should also tell her you agree and she should know what she did is what your son’s wife did to your son and is what she did to you. That makes her and your son’s ex two peas in a pod.

and she should know what she did is what your son’s wife did to your son and is what she did to you. That makes her and your son’s ex two peas in a pod.

I have told her this. She was greatly offended.

A mentally disordered WW is unlikely to meet the requirements for R at once or at all, and you two speak different languages and have different mindsets now, it is sad that D is the only guaranteed way to safety for the BS but as it has been said D can also be a new start, have you asked her or do you know whether she has stopped the affair and stopped the contact with OM? This is also important to know for you for other safety reasons. I wish you well, strength!

A mentally disordered WW is unlikely to meet the requirements for R at once or at all, and you two speak different languages and have different mindsets now, it is sad that D is the only guaranteed way to safety for the BS but as it has been said D can also be a new start, have you asked her or do you know whether she has stopped the affair and stopped the contact with OM? This is also important to know for you for other safety reasons. I wish you well, strength!

She claims she stopped the affair immediately following D-day. She also claims that she has had NC since then.

But who knows...

Yeah 'Who knows', I fully understand you, you are doing great, keep going to the light, strength brother

36,

She's playing mind-games. It is simple role reversal. She probably suspects that you may be considering divorce, which puts her in a position of weakness, so she turns it around, and creates a scenario in which she has the power to decide. It's all about that 'P' word again: power.

What she did reminds me of those scenes in a movie where a boss and an employee have an argument, and the boss finally snaps and says, "That's it! You're fired!", and the employee responds, "You can't fire me, because I quit!" It's all just a power play. You can't divorce me, because I'm divorcing you.

To add to the impression of power, she frames it as if she has a street-gang behind her to back her up. There is power in numbers, isn't there? Mess with me, and you mess with my whole crew.

Also, by taking the stance that she did, she makes you out to be the bad seed who deserves to be dumped, as if you are not good enough for her. She has taken the position she is in, reversed it, and put you in her place, and her in your place.

It is totally unproductive, but there does seem to be a dark side to her ego that keeps surfacing. I struggle to see what she hoped to achieve by that outburst, unless she thinks that by taking that stance she might make you get on your knees, apologise, promise to try harder in future, and beg her to give you another chance. Or, maybe she was fishing, to see what you would say about divorce.

Have you heard the old saying, "Never negotiate from a position of weakness"? Why do you think your wife keeps creating one ridiculous scenario after another in which she is the one in a position of power?

The best way to handle outbursts like that is to have a simple response prepared that shuts down any further discussion. "I'm not here to discuss that" is a good one to keep repeating, because it reminds you not to engage when she tries to hijack a discussion and control it, and it really annoys people if you keep repeating it calmly and casually!

"My friends say I should divorce you".

"I'm not here to discuss that".

"My friends say you're an a**hole".

"I'm not here to discuss that".

"Well I am!"

"I'm here to discuss the business about xyz. If you don't want to discuss that, I can leave now. So are you going to discuss xyz, or shall I go now. It's your choice".

Be calm, be casual, but be firm. Your wife seems to want to dominate or control any situation she is in with you, and this latest outburst is as predictable and inevitable as all the others. She wants the upper hand, she wants to be in the position of power, she wants to be the one in control.

It's all quite odd, but maybe even the affair was an exercise in power and being the one in control. Since discovery, she seems to have had no remorse, but plenty of venom because you spoilt her fun, and she still seems to be attacking you for that. It's the complete opposite of what most waywards do after discovery, but your wife does seem to have an ego that is badly out of control, and a huge sense of entitlement.

I am sorry that yet another meeting was blighted by melodrama, but consider it another lesson learnt. Plan what you want to discuss, maybe take a list with bullet points, and have your stock answer prepared in case your wife attempts to hijack the discussion and steer it away from the business at hand.

You deserve do much better than this after 36 years.

The power dynamic that M1965 so expressively detailed has to be the best operating theory on the table.

Couple her statement about D at the business dinner with her statement to the OM that you would only have an RA in reaction to discovering the betrayal seals the deal for me.

It best explains her actions. But at the end of the day it is her actions only, and not the rationale behind them that matters. Her actions show disrespect and no remorse. She believes she is in charge of the Matrix.

The power dynamic that M1965 described is extremely important moving forward through IC with your healing. Because it will help you learn about yourself and come to a greater understanding about expecting a balanced relationship and how to contribute to one.

36, I know you feel like shit and your pain has not lessened. The meds haven't kicked in. But you are doing well. You are getting yourself out of infidelity. Her provocations against you post Dday have been stunning. You went further than most of us would have by going to joint counseling, only to see her feed the counselor lies. That is stunning as well that she would lie to the MC/IC in front of you. Even as you corrected her lies. M1965's power dynamic fully on display.

You have a plan to get out of infidelity. You're going to execute the plan. Know that she will act out against you in some fashion. 180 and VAR (and SI) are your best friends.

I'm not able to post much right now, but does anyone remember Yearsofpains mother?

36, your WW almost seems deliberate in her self destruction.

Strength

You were just given some incredible advice and insight.

A few questions.

1) have you purchased a VAR?

2) if so have you been carrying it with you?

3) have you been actually using it?

4) if you haven't purchased one yet please answer why?

She also claims that she has had NC since then.

So emailing with the OM from a secret email account doesn't count? Madness.

Well, you know that she's full of it! That's all that matters. Truthfully, whether she's keeping NC or not is the least of your concerns right now.

She's "offended"?!!! That's mind-boggling. Stay strong, sorry you are dealing with this.

You should also tell her you agree and she should know what she did is what your son’s wife did to your son and is what she did to you. That makes her and your son’s ex two peas in a pod.

Chappie, 36 needs to do hard 180 instead of asking such questions.

I'm not sure why she feels the need to bring something like that up. I don't fully understand her end game.

Bringing in "opinions" of "friends" and people you don't know or don't know well is one of the weapons in the Cluster B disordered's arsenal.

Everything you have said here leads me to believe she is disordered.

That being said, when she is served next week, prepare for the crazy.

You don't need to answer the phone. If it is important and needs to be handled immediately, she can leave a voice mail.

If she leaves a voice mail and there's nothing that needs your immediate attention, then you are well within your rights to ignore it.

If she threatens suicide or self-harm, call the police. Not your monkeys, not your circus. They will know much better how to deal with someone in this situation, and perhaps if she sees that you aren't going to fall for manipulation of this ilk, she will not try it again. I know that seems cold and uncaring, but at this point, you can't get mixed up in her crazy. What if the threat is only to get you on premises so she can file another false DV claim?

It's a long and sometimes confusing road, but you've taken some really good first steps. Keep going--we are all here to help.

Cat

Bringing in "opinions" of "friends" and people you don't know or don't know well is one of the weapons in the Cluster B disordered's arsenal.

Everything you have said here leads me to believe she is disordered.

Good to know.

That being said, when she is served next week, prepare for the crazy.

Gonna do my best.

You don't need to answer the phone. If it is important and needs to be handled immediately, she can leave a voice mail.

I can do that.

If she leaves a voice mail and there's nothing that needs your immediate attention, then you are well within your rights to ignore it.

I can do that.

If she threatens suicide or self-harm, call the police. Not your monkeys, not your circus. They will know much better how to deal with someone in this situation, and perhaps if she sees that you aren't going to fall for manipulation of this ilk, she will not try it again. I know that seems cold and uncaring, but at this point, you can't get mixed up in her crazy. What if the threat is only to get you on premises so she can file another false DV claim?

I've had enough crazy to lat me two lifetimes.

It's a long and sometimes confusing road, but you've taken some really good first steps. Keep going--we are all here to help.

Everyone has been a great help. Thanks Cat.

I've found changing the ex's ringtone to either silent or something amusing, like crickets chirping (to remind you that the preferred response is crickets--as in nothing) can be helpful.

Be prepared for her to ramp up contact via threats, pleading or a combination of both.

If she tries any shenanigans, be prepared to shut them down (i.e. coming to your place of business or something).

You can't be afraid to get law enforcement involved.

Cat

If you decide to stop the divorce and give her another chance I hope you are not motivated by fear.

I've found changing the ex's ringtone to either silent or something amusing, like crickets chirping (to remind you that the preferred response is crickets--as in nothing) can be helpful.

Be prepared for her to ramp up contact via threats, pleading or a combination of both.

If she tries any shenanigans, be prepared to shut them down (i.e. coming to your place of business or something).

It's sad that it has come to this.

You can't be afraid to get law enforcement involved.