SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think you're handling this great! I wish I reacted like you.

Best wishes

SG, Is there any word on POSOM's situation? I assume from your previous post he's scrabbling to com up with a believable lie to tell hi OBS.

Did he reach out to your WW again?

Has the OBS contacted you for more details?

Good for you SG.

She did not take your feelings into consideration when she chose to cheat because she already knew the outcome.

You seem calm, controlled.

Are you angry at her?

Or are you just disappointed in her.

Stick to your plan. It is a rock solid one.

HM

[This message edited by happyman64 at 1:51 PM, February 17th (Tuesday)]

SG,

How about your kids, how are they doing with this?

Are you planning on spending time with them? I believe they are in college?

SpaceGhost0007, you've stated things a little differently than in a prior post.

Sounds like you know what you want and you're going for it, bravo, Sir. I applaud you.

I wish you the best in life. If you're reading this and just not posting much think about posting more. It does help to get the stuff out there, to know other caring people are... caring about you.

SG

How are your kids doing with the fact you two are divorcing?

HM

SG,

All she had to do is not screw another guy and none of this would have happened. I don't think I am reacting like most people do but this is how I want to handle things...

Although it is true that very few people have had the presence of mind to handle the discovery and disclosure of infidelity like you have done (and, good job with that), but don't feel alone with infidelity being a deal breaker for you. Many people feel that way and many people have acted on it very decisively.

Also, you haven't addressed how your children are doing, at least you haven't addressed it in much detail. They are hurting now, too, keep in mind. I hope you are reassuring them of your love, particularly since you are planning on moving, etc. It might seem to them like their world in breaking apart, which in some real ways it is. This "extended" breakage that infidelity causes is often overlooked, because we are understandably self-focused in the aftermath of this horrible type of betrayal. But, others are hurt in the wake, too, and many of them, particularly children, carry it with them for the rest of their lives. Be sure to thank your wife for that considerable contribution to your family.

Best to you.

My Ego is hurt and I want to move on.

Maybe we can also help with this. Although you are decisive and taking the necessary actions to move forward, you are still going to be on this emotional roller coaster. Selling the house, moving to another location, filling your time with golf, cutting off all ties to your STBXW, all this is normal. But just know that the emotional roller coaster still has some momentum and the hills will level out in time. You will still have questions. Maybe we can help you find those answers, or at least come close. Keep posting. It's good to get your feelings out there among those who been there/done that.

I know your kids are adults but they are still kids in college. Have you checked in on them? You're strong I can tell. (or in denial of your real feelings and I fear they may hit you after the divorce when all is calm) Please keep talking to your kids. Even though they are adults this will be a big hit to them. They expect to have a home to come home to when they are on college break. They have friends and lives where you live now. You are doing what you have to do and I commend you for that but you are/were a family. Please see your kids in person. Cry with them. Whatever you have to do but please keep them informed. Their life is exploding too.

As I have said all along you do what you need to do for you and you alone.

Move on...get out of town and enjoy your life.

It is too bad that many people did not respect your decisions, but you owe no one a freaking thing. You listened to your heart and your gut and did what you needed to do. That is the best thing for you.

Keep going forward brother. Strength to you.

Spaceghost, I applaud you, you have the courage of your convictions and are acting accordingly.

We each react differently, and in different time frames (how many in this thread alone have written that they wish they'd acted sooner !?)

Your actions and reactions leave me in no doubt that you will have considered and included your children in your thoughts and plans for the future.

Good Luck to you as you move forward !

SG, this website is called Surviving Infidelity and although you still have some way to go with this process, I admire how you are "surviving" on your own terms. I wish I had your strength. Good luck brother...

I have not read very many of the comments on this thread, and have scrolled through to mostly read original posters comments.

Spaceghost, I found your reaction refreshing! I know I'm going to get flack for this, but it is ridiculous the way most of us allow WS to treat us. I stayed for a few reasons, but feel like my self-esteem suffered for staying. And now that I've been D going on 4 years, I'm even more disgusted in myself for not seeing WS for who he was. I come on here and read and hope that I'm able to give other BS a little comfort or support. When I read their words and hear them say the same things I said, and the same things so many others have said before them, I feel ill for them. So many of us say, or have said, "I still love WS. WS is working hard and showing remorse. All of our friends wanted to be like us, we were considered the perfect couple. etc..." I thought my XWH and I were so unique, and that he made some "bad choices" but really deep down was a good person. I thought, if those on SI just knew us, they wouldn't be giving me the advice to leave WS. WRONG! They knew him alright; I didn't know him. They had his number all along.

Spaceghost has decided to skip all the crap of R. His kids are in college and he told her all along, cheating was a deal breaker. He meant what he said. I said the same thing, and I guess I was kidding. I guess I really meant, "Cheating is a deal breaker after 4 times being caught."

You never quite get that magical feeling back after an A. -- When the kids are young, it makes sense to stay, but other than that, I just don't think it's worth it. I'm remarried to a wonderful, caring man whom I adore. We do not and will not have kids together. I promise you if he cheated one time and I found out, I would end it immediately.

I love the way Spaceghost handled his situation.

SG--I replied to this early on because from the get-go I admired your method of dealing with your situation. Then as now, I thought you were doing the right thing and wish that I could have been as decisive when I was first confronted with my ex's cheating. Like you, infidelity has always been a deal breaker for me and once I found out about what my ex had been up to in my mind the marriage was over. Unfortunately for me I had young children at that time and mistakenly thought it was better if they had two parents in the home, even if one of them was a lying, cheating, creep. It was a huge mistake, one I will regret for the rest of my life.

Although there are many brave people on this site who were strong enough to reconcile after experiencing infidelity I don't think that those of us who didn't take that route are any less brave or strong. Only we know what we are capable of and only we were in the relationship that was essentially destroyed by one person's choice, and it IS a choice to cross the line. Especially when one knows, as your spouse did, what the consequences will be once the line is crossed.

I applaud those people who are able to forgive and especially those who are able to forget, to move on and who believe that what didn't kill their relationship made it stronger. Divorce is no picnic, it doesn't strengthen one's self-esteem, and there is no guarantee that you will ever find someone that will be perfect for you.

However, going it alone, while not exactly easy, is far, far better than living with someone who found it acceptable to hurt the person they were supposed to love and protect above all others, and to do it in such an awful way.

If your wife was truly remorseful, if she was in a place where she was placing your well being above your own, she would respect your decision to divorce and would let you go so that you can heal on your own terms and would support your efforts to do so. She would continue to work on herself, to learn to be the best person she can be and to try and figure out why she was able to do what she did. She would not whine, cry, beg and plead, or cause you to question if you are the one who is throwing the marriage away. She would remember that it was she who did that, the very minute she decided it was ok to sleep with someone else.

I hope you are able to continue to do what is right for you and do it in the way that helps you to heal from this betrayal as soon as is possible. It really isn't about her anymore. It's about you and the new life you can create for yourself, the one that you deserve.

Since some people asked about the kids they are still struggling with this. They are both such nice kids too so they are shocked. I have talked to my wife about getting them counseling and so if they want to go we are trying to help them. I Am lucky they are older so no custody battle. But I can't help but realize if they were still at home she probably would not have cheated on me.

My son is quiet and is not talking much about it. My daughter is very upset and angry. It is directed at her Mom but she is not talking to her Mom at this point. I Have told her that Mom still loves her and needs her but it will take some time.

When I found out about the affair I was going to try and make my wife and OM's world a bad one for both of them. Now I also assumed my wife would not care after reading up on affairs but she is suffering right now. She is staying at her parents house now. Our home is going to be sold then everything we built together will be gone.

She asked me to talk with her counselor so I did. It turns out it was a marriage counselor not an individual counselor. She told me my wife was hurting and would I consider coming with her at least once. I Said I would think about it but after thinking about it I don't want to go.

As for the OM yes he is a piece of crap. His wife called me asking about my proof. I Told her I have proof he had my wife at a hotel and eating dinner and kissing... I Also told her he told my wife he loved her on the phone. She said he told her I was a guy that beat my wife and was a crazy and she should stay away from me. So I met up with her and let her see the evidence last night and she has no doubt now. She doesn't know what she is going to do but she knows he is a lying POS.

On a funny note she asked me why my wife would cheat with her husband when she had a "Hunk" like me at home. It made me laugh and I realized I had not laughed much since this started. She also said my wife is very beautiful so it made her feel extra bad about herself. I Told her I know exactly how she feels since I feel like crap too. So she has proof now and he cannot lie his way out of screwing my wife.

I also talked to my wife a bit after that. I will say more about it later. I no longer feel the need to try and hurt her since she is showing so much remorse for what she did.

I am trying to figure out where I should move to. Can't help feeling like people are laughing behind my back. When I came here I thought my wife did not love me and I was confused since she acted like she did... Now I am confused since I know she does love me and threw it away on some ass hat?? Later

I'm sorry your kids are struggling. They will have their own path of healing to do...their future just got blown up by what their mother did too and the grief has just started for them.

Kids still home?

You not traveling?

If someone wants to cheat, they will cheat. There is nothing you could have done to change her choices and there is no "excuse" for what she did. My ex travelled 1/2 the time and it never occurred to me to cheat on him. Don't blame external "what if's" and think that is an excuse.

Yeah, being dragged into her therapy sessions sounds kinda manipulative to me. She needs to go to IC, not MC. MC would come much, much later for you guys...if it ever does. She knew not to do this, she isn't a child.

You are handling this well, SG, but you also need to take care of yourself. Think about therapy for yourself...especially before you start dating. Come down to New Beginnings to read/talk about what happens when you date too early or for the wrong reasons. YOU may want to date for fun, but a lot of people are out to date for commitment and you'll hurt someone if you aren't ready.

I am trying to figure out where I should move to. Can't help feeling like people are laughing behind my back. When I came here I thought my wife did not love me and I was confused since she acted like she did... Now I am confused since I know she does love me and threw it away on some ass hat?? Later

SG, this is why it is said that the BS should take six months form D day before making life changing decisions. The BS's brain needs this time to process the affair.

SG~

I have been following this thread and others won't say it, but I will. I am not here to bash you, but to talk to you BS to BS.

I think many of here wish we had been better at enforcing the 180. We are a little envious that you are so strong in what you feel is the right thing to do and are moving in that direction so quickly. That being said I may be a dissenting vote for D...at this time. Maybe its because I am trying R. I don't know, but I get a sense that you have an out and are jumping on it.

I would strongly encourage you find an IC that you can talk to. You are carrying a lot of FOO issues and need to work on that before you jump into another relationship. Your own statements show that you want to date as soon as your D is final and that concerns me. I had no desire to date or even talk to the other sex until I sorted myself out. Even though the A was not your fault, you still deal with the after effects and that is a profound thing to deal with plus you already had FOO issues regarding a parental A.

For your mental health as well as your children, please try to heal before going out and finding the next woman. She deserves that as do you. You are setting an example for your kids - they may be adults but they are watching. Do the healthy thing. Take a little time to let them and yourself adjust to the new life before jumping into the dating pool.

Best wishes to you SG. I hope you find what you are looking for.

On a funny note she asked me why my wife would cheat with her husband when she had a "Hunk" like me at home.

I'm not questioning the validity of her compliment. Just the timing. Be careful of your interactions with the OM's BW.

The old 'the BS is a lunatic' trick. My fWW's OM tried the exact same trick and told his wife not to contact me as, 1. My fWW and I apparently 'had an open marriage arrangement' (ha, news to me?!) and that I wouldn't care what they had been up to and 2. I was 'apparently gay and only married my fWW to have kids.' These pricks sink to any level to cover their arses.

Oh and SG I'll echo the caution that Brandon gave you regarding the OMW; in my situation the OMw was batshit insane and blatantly asked me over for drinks to 'talk about their A'. I have no doubt she wanted to have a revenge affair and that she tried to have a crack at me.

[This message edited by Hurthalo at 8:27 AM, February 18th (Wednesday)]