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I’d be careful with this, her IC could be biased when it comes to MC. Have you checked with that therapist about their views on infidelity and how they’re going to handle your WW’s IC and your MC?

I would second this based on personal experience. When our MC became my WW’s IC she told me she couldn’t ethically continue as our MC. This was probably the ONLY thing she ever said I agreed with. She was essentially already my wife’s IC masquerading as an MC. She mollycoddled my wife, fed her excuses for cheating, had zero accountability and made ME out to be the asshole despite my WW being a lying serial cheater for 20 years!

In retrospect, it was stupid to even attempt MC so early in our attempt at R. I’m pretty sour on MC altogether and this person was a Gottman trained LMFT. So much for credentials…..

The LinkedIn conversation smells to me too. Good for you for recognizing that and pursuing an alternate avenue!

An IC has a duty to the individual client. An MC has a duty to the M. There are almost bound to be conflicts of interest between you, your W, and your M. It takes great skill for the C to keep those interests separate.

My W got us a session with her IC on d-day. She agreed to all conditions about her therapy and MC. My W's IC took on the MC role based on my W's agreement that the C could bring anything she heard in an IC session into an MC session.

When push comes to shove, I expect it's impossible to navigate the conflict between duty to IC client and duty to the M partners. It worked in our case because my W gave up a lot of protection that the vast majority of IC clients have and because we both said what we meant and made our actions conform to what we said.

Your W is different. She's delaying finding an IC. She breaks NC. In depending on an MC, she may be blaming the M for betraying you, as do you.

You both were in the same M; only one of you cheated. Your W - IMO, virtually every WS - needs to do the work necessary to change from cheater to good partner. First she changes herself. Then, together, you change your M.

You heal you. She heals herself. That's where IC comes in. MC deals only indirectly with the real problems. You probably won't R as long as you or your W think the M is to blame.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:21 PM, Tuesday, April 23rd]

Her dragging her feet about getting the same IC and MC is a problem imo, is she willing to fight for your family? She does not seem to be on board 100% to keep the marriage.

He reaching out to the guy about the cat is just her finding a reason to contact him - she is still in the affair mindset.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 10:46 PM, Tuesday, April 23rd]

Old timer here didn't feel the need to post until now. However I do believe that it's time for you to draw a firm hard boundary with her on therapy. You need a total of 3 therapists. One for you. One for her. One for the M. None should be the sane for the 3 different needs.
Demand this. If you hope to come out the other side together and healthy this has to happen.
Also her therapist should be skilled in dealing with cheating and compulsive liars. You need a therapist that is trauma informed and that's not that hard these days. However 15 years ago it was difficult. Lastly MC when it is time and appropriate you need a therapist that understands infidelity and calls each of you out as you both will have parts to play in rebuilding.

Last but not least, that linked in response stinks to high heaven. Definitely follow through.

Having the MC be the IC falls into what the American Psychological Association would consider as a "multiple relationship" and says:

A psychologist refrains from entering into a multiple relationship if the multiple relationship could reasonably be expected to impair the psychologist's objectivity, competence, or effectiveness in performing his or her functions as a psychologist, or otherwise risks exploitation or harm to the person with whom the professional relationship exists.

So, what is the reasonable expectation here? Do you think this could impair the therapist's objectivity, competence or effectiveness? I would think so, especially in regards to effectiveness because the MC didn't do anything to get your WS from NOT having an A.

Did you hear back from the email you sent to OBS?

I have not. I sent two emails to the best guess I could have for her work email address. Neither got bounced back and neither were responded to.

Any luck in hearing back from the OBS?