IMHO there can be serious problems with sharing IC info…
IC’s don’t work like some wonder-drug where the therapist says something profound and years and years of wrong thought or behavior simply disappear in the patient. It’s more like changing the course of a aircraft-carrier, where slight adjustments are made and they start taking effect some time after they are applied. Often those on board might not be aware of the change, but still the heading is turned.
Like the "you were abusive" issue. Imagine this scenario: During that confrontation you maybe called your wife a bitch and a whore. She recounts that to the IC who correctly might state that those words are abusive – but THEN ask her "do you understand why he used those words?". Only… when she comes home and you are waiting for her IC report… all she remembers is "those words are abusive" and ergo: You were abusive.
In IC the patient needs to be vulnerable and look INSIDE rather than for external justification. That’s HARD for any of us. Your WW goes into IC knowing she has issues, knowing infidelity is wrong and knowing the IC needs to expose her emotionally. Defense is normal – not healthy – but normal.
I would be looking at actions and changes more than status-reports.
About reconciling…
There is this common belief that deciding to reconcile is reconciling…
We have the opposite equivalent where people state they would divorce "if they could" and then find some convenient excuse not to, but don’t reconcile nor divorce.
Fact is that D or R is at first only a decision.
When you say you are two years into R… well… it sounds like you are two years into deciding to R rather than two years into reconciling.
The difference? Imagine you decided to improve your health by eating healthy. Your wife might be on-board, so you go and buy 10 Eat-Healthy cookbooks. That’s the equivalent of deciding to reconcile.
Only – those books don’t do much good on the shelf. They really don’t improve your health even if you read them all cover-to-cover. Nor do they help if your wife completely ignores them or focuses on the chapter where you are told an occasional hamburger and fries is fine.
Nor do they help if you start buying salmon and cabbage, only to let it rot in the fridge while munching on deep-fried bananas.
Nor does it help if you eat healthy one meal a week but eat greasy burgers for all the other meals.
Nor does it help you reach a common goal if your diet is kelp and tofu, but your wife eats candy and fried chicken.
It only starts working when you both understand the problem, the possible solutions and accept the decisions they lead to. It starts when you both commit to healthier food, take part in preparing it and consume it. THAT is probably when R really starts. Same as with D – it really starts when a spouse commits to filing and starts the actions that get them there.
The BIG difference in R versus D is that you can’t reconcile alone… If you – or your wife – wants divorce and sticks to it then you two will end up divorced.
On your third day of eating healthy… there won’t really be any major results. It takes time. Weeks, months… The better you stick to the agenda the sooner the results. If your wife sneaks out to the local diner for unhealthy food on a regular basis… that would hold you two back, but not necessarily YOU. You eating healthy doesn’t improve her health – it improves YOUR health. Doing it together is simply because you want a joint benefit.
I guess I’m using a complex scenario to suggest that you focus on you and how you grow and move on. You definitely want your wife to grow too, preferably at your pace or more. Maybe – and this does happen even if people originally decide to reconcile – you realize you have outgrown her. That’s fine – marriages only last as long as one or both want to be married. In fact I believe it’s the realization of how delicate a marriage is that can be key in saving it.
An issue in MC might be to find a common goal. Maybe even a short-term goal. Then see how you two might reach that goal. If you have 5 short-term goals and your wife constantly fails at meeting them… well… that should give you a picture of if you are reconciling or simply learning to live with the big gray elephant of infidelity in your home.
