SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I agree with babypuke you handled it well.

Moving forward watch her actions, not her words. Maintain your boundaries. Take care of you. Your emotions will still be all over the place. You did well not to accept any blame and to put responsibility right where it belongs. Now it is up to her to try and rebuild some trust. Good luck.

I have already discussed IC with her, but we are holding off until we get back from vacation before we proceed

Are you holding off just starting IC or or looking into it? Depending on your area the wait for the first appointment with the therapist you settle on could be a couple of weeks or even a month off, so you may want to check on it.

Also second the suggestion for someone who has experience in infidelity counseling. Vet anyone you consider on their views on infidelity. The wrong one can add to the damage, from advocating rugsweeping to actually validating your WW’s affair.

.. "..but she did stress that it was only a few times."..???

I got the same line back in 1987!! "It was only a few times."

In 2009 I find out that she'd been giving my best friend 'oral' for 18 years... since long before we even got married. ( story in my profile)

Minimizing their betrayals is a common strategy.

"..like standing over a bullet riddled body and saying, But officer, I only shot him once!!"

Even now, after 53 years, I don't think I have the whole sordid story..

You found the greatest site to get great advice for dealing with the greatest betrayal of your life!!!

Read... and learn..Sorry you're here.. we're ALL sorry we are here.

Give your son a hug from all the fathers here faced with the destruction of their family.

smy

Brother you should act from a position of strength, she needs to apologize to both sides of the family for her huge betrayal, also no more online games FOREVER !!! PERIOD no questions asked, and don't buy the "my privacy" bs, she needs to offer FULL ON DEMAND access to her phone and all electronic devices and passwords FOREVER.

.. "..but she did stress that it was only a few times."..???

I got the same line back in 1987!! "It was only a few times."

Yep. It does not sound believable at all with the number of pictures you've found. If she's adamant to stick to that story, would she be willing to take a polygraph test and to prove that he was the one and only OM that she has had? What if there are others?

It does not sound believable at all with the number of pictures you've found

Do you, or does she, also have nude photos of the OM in which the face of the OM is visible and recognizable?

Do read all the other stories, and advice given there, in this forum, to learn more about what you are dealing with.

Strength!

I used to be a HARDCORE gamer up until 11 years ago (think: 6-8 hours daily) on Diablo 2 HC.

I can tell you this: If she exchanged sext with him, she has called him and knows his personal details. Heck, she has probably exchanged videos with him and FaceTimed him.

Hi OP, sorry you landed in this mess.

but she did stress that it was only a few times

Does she understand that it was enough times for 1) you to lose trust in her 2) see her as a cheater 3) nearly or even maybe will destroy her marriage... does she get that?

Only a few times. I guess that's all she has right now to give you.

Throwing out 'separation' at you, the lady's playing with fire. Hope she doesn't get burned.

I am absolutely gobsmacked that she has not deleted the game!

It is easy enough for her AP to create another account, and continue playing with your WS (in more ways than one).

You can assume that contact between your WS and her boyfriend still continues, and as such, the A still continues until proven otherwise. The proof needs to come from the WS, and not the BS.

You can judge how much a WS wants to stay in the M by the amount of effort they put into making themselves safe for the BS. In your case, it is still uncertain.

Here's what we know from experience:

- your wife only admits to what she thinks you know. Therefore, she's withholding information about the length of time, frequency of contact, and likely his contact information.

- it's not likely your wife can continue playing the online game and resist the OM's constant reaching out to her (since she already lost that battle of morals)

- her shame from exposure, tears, shocked look on her face, or her promises & verbal expressions of self hate are temporary.

She'll learn to hide it better the next time and convince herself (again) that you'll never find out. For example, there's apps where texts and pics auto delete.

- You must notify the OM because the OBS can help keep them apart.

You can sign him on to the game with her: chat him up; ask his name,city,phone, what he does for a living ...

- Your wife's emotional reaction (tears) is not a consequence for her inappropriate behavior.

Also, as long as there is any contact (playing a game) then their emotional connection continues in your wife's head.

She will white knuckle for a while but is very high risk to have a bad day and jump back in.

From experience we've learned that whatever activity enabled the cheating has to stop (change jobs, change sports, certain social activities, no more conventions, ....).

Finally, at a minimum, inform your wife if she can't provide the OM's contact information then she must stop playing. Don't believe they didn't at least exchange first names.

jimih33

What you describe is actually the stereotypical wife-having-online-affair scenario. Right up to how you caught her, her response, your initial response and where you are now.

Your reactions were spot-on. Accepting separation rather than accepting accountability for the affair. That sort-of needs to be your red-thread in all this. The affair is totally on her. SHE needs to prove her story, SHE needs to show change, SHE needs to be accountable.

Once you feel sort-of assured then the marriage improvements aspects come to play.

Just be clear that the marriage did not make her body-conscious (unless you have been abusive regarding her looks…), and the marriage didn’t prevent her expressing her concerns or seeking guidance elsewhere than an online game…

I do want to emphasize one factor. To me a major one:

She insists she doesn’t know OM, who he is, where he is, how to contact (other than the game).

Well… Assuming that’s true then the nonchalant way she handles her nudies is a concern. See how easily you found them on the old phone? What if that phone had been recycled and the one that found the pics was some pimply 16 year old that distributed them?

Heck… If it’s true what she says about OM and not knowing… MAYBE HE is a pimply 14 year old boy. MAYBE she was sending porn to a minor…

Or MAYBE he’s a 22 year old guy with no marriage or GF, or a 57 year old guy pretending to be 22… Whatever… You (and your wife) don’t know…

What is known is that somewhere in this cosmos there is a guy who possibly has 200 or more pics of your wife doing the splits. What we know about that guy (based on your WW story) is that he cheats on his GF. So we know his morals arent’ exactly the best.

So for the next years you could expect your son to come home after being asked at school if that might be his mom’s pic on amateurmilfsdotcom. If it was only your wife that was involved… But this might seriously impact your son.

You have NO WAY of knowing what the OM does with the pics. Heck… he could even get a new phone and the same pimply 16-year old that recycles his phone be thinking deja-vu…

I think it’s important that the OM get a formal notification about the pictures being private and only intended for him and his viewing, a request to delete them all and a warning that ANY distribution will have serious legal and financial consequences. It’s not something you can ensure he does, but the formal warning at least makes it clear that any distribution is illegal.

Chances are he had to create an account with the game-provider. I’m guessing an attorney with experience in this field (and there are numerous because this IS a big problem) knows how best to solve this.

As an added bonus: Your WW reactions to this will give you a clue about how much she really knows about OM. Knowing OM is important. There is a world of difference for recovery in knowing the enemy. Is he on the other side of the country? Abroad? Or is it really Harry your next-door neighbor?

Short rant:

I am totally 100% AMAZED at the frequency of people sending nudes over the internet to complete strangers. The adage once on the net always on the net holds true. Even where both parties think they might have deleted some pic or the app allegedly only stores for a fixed period there are numerous ways around all that. Basically the only reason a pic isn’t in distribution tends to be the seer mass. You hide the blade in the bale of nudies and dick-pics being sent.

To me – this instance being described in this thread – is like a woman agreeing to take the short-cut through the park after-dark with the man she just met five minutes ago, or leaving the drink the nice gentleman offered her unattended at the bar while she goes for a pee. It’s taking risks that shouldn’t be taken!

Sisoon, your advice is pure gold. I was getting ready to post about the impact that sharing her nude pics via the internet could have on her family, and then saw your post.

Boggles my mind as well - and OP's WW is a mother, for goodness sake.

Tell her that there will be a polygraph in her near future and one of the questions will deal with whether or not she knows his real name, city/state he lives in, and any other contact information.

Her reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Good luck and stay strong.

Do what is best FOR YOU! No one will criticize if her affair is a deal breaker for you. After all, it’s interesting she went to wanting a separation VERY quickly.

Do what you must to be able to look the man in the mirror in the eye every morning.

I promise you will get through this. You just need to decide

What YOU want.

This may not be popular but I’m going to have to ask you it anyway. Why were you to not having sex for years? What is the point of being married if you are not intimate.

Were you studying to be a priest? Maybe she was studying to be a nun? Those are the only two reasons I can think of for not having sex as a married couple. And those are lousy reasons!

So why have you been such a martyr and going without sex for all these years? If you two are not going to have a sexual relationship you need to find other people to be with.

So we know she must enjoy sex and she gets toys to use instead of having her husband. That is the most insulting thing that you need to address. She’d rather mess around with the dude halfway across the world with a vibrator.

This does not give her a license to cheat on you. Having said that why are you letting her treat you like you’re so gross she would rather use a toy and send dirty pictures to another man.

And you say you love her? Why? You are married to a woman who is using you for a paycheck. If you fixed the ED issue well in my opinion a wife withholding sex should be an Ex-Wife. Tell her you are going to start withholding your paycheck from her I bet she won’t be good with tat.

Unless she wants to be a real wife divorce her. No separation as that will give her time to play around on you. Stand up for yourself and stop your sexless marriage.

If she loves you then this should not be a problem for her... But I think it will be. Stop being a dormant. I hope things get better for you.

If she hasn't deleted the game it is 100% because she intends to continue the affair. Period.