SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have not long gotten past the 2 year point, and hit my 50th birthday at the same point. Running up to year 2 I was still very very angry.. Almost palpable rage about how my WW had deceived me and coerced me into spending what I look back now as an obscene amount of money to facilitate her relationship (trips, gifts, vacations, etc.)

I then took some time away, visited family, and realised the rage was harming ME not anyone else.. I looked at how things actually were.. And how I wanted them to be.. And went home and told my WW EXACTLY how I saw things, and what changes I wanted.

As it turns out we both wanted pretty much the same.. More time together.. More time as a family.. Doing more for the kids.. So we started trying.. Evening walks together.. Gym classes together.. Even managed a date out when restaurants opened up again.. And we talked.. Not argued.. But talked for the first time in about 3 years..

She finally admitted that she realised she had been a total bitch to me, and would never be able to repay all the money she had squandered, and felt even worse given how tight money had gotten during lockdown causing me even more stress. And she realised the AP was pretty much a useless individual who pretty much only cared for himself.. The affair fog was well and truly gone there.

I listened to her when she said it would never happen again and she realised that she had no more chances in this respect, and this time I actually believed her..

I may still have issues regarding trusting her 100% but it is heading in the right direction at last.

Still in the middle of hell. We would have good days and then a string of bad days. It was probably at the 3 year mark when the bad days just ended and faded away. We are almost at the 4 yr mark now and the A is ancient history.

At two years I was still trying to make myself feel better, but we were still fighting. I was still self-harming (minor cutting and some head-beating), and distraught the my WS was clearly not getting it. She was still defensive, without empathy, and still holding out on some information. We were still having occasional loud shouting matches. It was stressful.

[This message edited by OneInTheSame at 10:21 PM, June 22nd (Tuesday)]

My two years was in April. We had a tough year with some deaths in the family/covid etc. But I would say mentally I am in a much better place than I was when it all came crashing down. I started online therapy which made me reflective of the things I want and so I started focusing on me instead of trying to save the marriage or him (he struggles with anxiety and depression). I'm finally coming out of the fog but there are still so many triggers. While it's not a constant thought in the front of my mind, it's always in the back. The other day he said, "Everything I do is for this family," and my mind went immediately to, "Oh, really, you fucked someone else for your family?" At least I didn't say it out loud like I would've two years ago... not sure if that's progress or not. I am not fully at forgiveness but want to be and still feel stuck.

Logic and evidence told me I could declare victory when we were 2 years out, but I was still generally pessimistic, so I didn't fully believe the evidence.

We were both still in IC and MC. Our MC was W's IC; I think she (IC/MC) had concluded that R was solid. Recovering from the A was still the major topic discussed in MC sessions. IIRC, my W still didn't see the real me; she still put someone's face on me and she still thought I was angry when I wasn't.

I was a wreck in the 4.5 months before d-day - the period between the 2nd antiversary of the start of the PA and d-day - but less of a wreck than in 2011.

W continued her consistent R behavior - answering questions when asked, letting me know when she found a reminder of the A, meeting the requirements of R that we had agreed on, etc.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:25 PM, July 12th (Monday)]

At 2 years post Dday I was still unhappy in some ways and thinking of D every day.

By 3 years post Dday things were different b/c I started to take responsibility to heal myself. The cheater can only do so much and the rest was up to me.

Once I started to have a different focus - things changed for me quickly.

I'm not miserable. Being sad is the new normal, so I get on with life. I have fun, I work hard, I run, I play my guitar, I play with my baby boy (and God how I love him!)... but I'm sad. As my WW uses to say, there's always a black cloud over my head (it only disappears when I'm with my son).

This is life.

But to be honest, the A is not the only reason we're like this. Over these past 3.5 years since DDay, I gave her the opportunity to show me that being with her was worth the pain of dealing with her A. Turns out she has shown me she's just a 38 y.o. teenager who is capable of offending me or my family when things are not the way she expects. She has no empathy. If she's not ok (she will be angry at me... and since my patience is now 0, I will respond the same way).

I gave up talking about what bothers me. Now it's a matter of time until enough is pilled up to make the pain of staying bigger than the pain of leaving. If she doesn't leave first, since I recognize that the relationship is not good for her either.

Over the last months, the idea of D is growing. Everyday I think of it, even when things are going well. But when she is rude to me for some reason (and she does that every 2 or 3 weeks), D comes stronger. I'm accepting that we are still together just because of our baby boy.

[This message edited by fabbhmg at 6:07 PM, July 13th (Tuesday)]