SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

But if this is going to work in the long run, a polygraph might do more damage than good simply because it would be a statement that is me accusing her of cheating although she already admitted to it.

Why do you think that?

Look, she didn't admit to anything. You find out, confronted her and she fessed up. Had you not, it would still be ongoing. Also, it is very likely she is still lying to you about how long this has been going on and what exactly they did. So how exactly would requiring a polygraph be making it worse?

Moreover, cheating by definition is lying. Meaning she's been lying to,you for a while now. Hiding what she did. Lying about where she was. You have very right in the world to not trust her. Her reaction to you asking for a polygraph will also give you a clue as to where she stands. Separate from passing or failing, it's an opportunity to begin building trust when trust has been shattered. When I told my wife I wanted her to take one, she jumped at the opportunity. And she passed. And that went a long way toward me knowing that I knew what I was dealing with and what I was actually recovering from.

Don't look at this as a punitive measure. It's a tool so you can be comfortable knowing you have the whole story (or confirming you don't) and one that can be a springboard for rebuilding trust.

Having said all of the above, my personal opinion is that 4 months in, she does this? When you are supposed to be in the honeymoon stage? Run and count your blessings. I know that sounds harsh, but seriously. Could you imagine if it was twenty years later and you had three kids and you found this out?

Sending strength.

Listen to longsadstory1952. He's got it right. 4 months in and all this crap being spoon fed to you. Just excuses. No kids, what are you waiting for? Run Forrest.

read "kiss,kiss under the clothes" thread. its on front page.

your wifes story is ALL lies. she got off talking about sex and toys with him while you were there. she went there to have sex and did. most likely not 1st time.

you need to know more. recover deleted msgs on her phone. poly. or dont bother but divorce and leave. she s lying.

I keep going back and forth between wanting a divorce and not.

Despite all the responses and advice saying that I should divorce her while it is easy to, I can't help but think that I am never going to be able to trust anyone again. So if I am never able to trust anyone again, then why not try to fix something with someone that, at the very least, I know has cheated and will potentially do it again. At least that way if she cheats on me again, it won't be as emotionally damaging since I will have expected it. Whereas if I divorce her and find someone else and they cheat on me, I truthfully think I would do something awful.

There are many people here with more than one dday. It's just as damaging the second time..more so for many people. Because you give them another chance..And they have seen the pain they caused you the first time..but did it again.

Don't invest more time with her..don't go on to have children with her. She has shown you who she is..believe her.

And yes..it may take a long time to trust someone new. But it will take years for her to earn back even a little trust..And you will never fully trust her again.

So if I am never able to trust anyone again, then why not try to fix something with someone that, at the very least, I know has cheated and will potentially do it again.

I could understand this line of thinking if the relationship had a bit more history. I stayed with my WW after finding out about her little Ashley Madison tryst 14 years into marriage. I had a lot to work on personally (and not that you or I deserved anything like this) so I stayed to work on ME. It's been a rough 10 years since and I'm thinking about pulling the ripcord.

I'm a much better man, husband and father now. I'm still getting better everyday. My wife is still stuck.

Here is my advice. You can't fix her or the relationship. You can only "fix" you. So focus on you. The relationship is a product of what you two have together. If either of you is shitting on the relationship, then it is a crappy situation for both of you.

Seriously man, look at my sig...had I done the smart thing 25+ years ago I would not have had to endure the next two DDays from the same woman.

That's what you have to look forward to, just sayin'.

So if I am never able to trust anyone again, then why not try to fix something with someone that, at the very least, I know has cheated and will potentially do it again.

Because my friend you wont be 'fixing' anything. Long term this will only lead to even more misery for you. You're in your late 20s and you've been married 4 months...FOUR fucking MONTHS! She's shown you who she is. Believe her. Don't be co-dependent. Don't settle for second best. You are worth more than that..aren't you? Do some work on your self esteem. There are millions of trustworthy women out there.

Sorry for the harsh words buddy and believe me I feel your pain, but in time you will appreciate why we are all recommending you bail.

I can't help but think that I am never going to be able to trust anyone again.

Is this the logic you apply to staying with a cheater? Really?

It's like an abused spouse saying I'll never marry again so why don't I stay with the person that's beating me senseless every night.

Can you see how your actions and responses are perceived by her as weak? She didn't respect you enough to stop herself having the affair and now she's been caught she doesn't respect you enough to stop NC, even to the point she's getting angry and snappy at you.

What exactly are you trying to "fix"? Her not wanting to bang another man? You're barely married and you're signing yourself up to a lifetime of trying to stop your wife banging other men, trusting her and getting her to respect you.

These things should be automatic. She should be into you, not cheating and not trying to bang other men, this is what normal people do.

The world is full of normal people who don't cheat and normal people that don't lay hands on their spouses.

If you want to come up with excuses for staying with your abuser then ultimately that's your decision because it's your life.

I can't help but think that I am never going to be able to trust anyone again. So if I am never able to trust anyone again, then why not try to fix something with someone that, at the very least, I know has cheated and will potentially do it again.

How much sleep did you get last night? Please read what you are saying and please also fully understand that YOU cannot fix her and there is no guarantee that even she can fix her.

Listen, if you go to the store and buy some merchandise that turns out to be broken you don't say "Well if I return it for a new item there is that chance the next will also be broken. So I'll just keep this broken one."

What you do is to exchange it for a new one that you will examine a lot closer looking for defects. Still no guarantee, but because of your skepticism you will probably have a better than even chance of it being a good one.

[This message edited by 40YOSL at 5:43 PM, February 5th (Sunday)]

Stay with a cheater after 4 months of marriage with someone who is not remorseful, wont commit, doesnt accept the blame for what she did 100%? Your worried about the damage that might happen later down the road with someone you havent even met yet vs the probability it will happen on the chance it wont hurt as bad?

Man, I have been there, and I am going to give u the same response a close friend gave me. Its vulgar, and disgusting, but hopefully it will open your eyes. I apologize in advance for this.

If you are sick to your stomach, and you crap your pants,and the atore only has one size available.. Would you keep wearing the same shitty underwear, or would you rather toss the shitty undewear wash yourself and put on a new pair that may or may not fit?

Most likely, cheated four months in, divorce is the right thing. But maybe day one is still too soon for you to decide for that, for your feelings. As Walloped posted, asking for polygraph is not too soon. She lied. She'd still be going all out with the texting if you hadn't caught her. Still, waiting a week won't hurt you terribly much.

The longer you wait, the more likely more pain occurs, more cheating and things to do that she can't undone, occurs, because she still is cheating. The "tell" is the behavior - the distance, being annoyed. These are behaviors that happen time and again when the cheater is in an affair. If remorseful, after being caught, they will not snap back like that. Maybe a few weeks/months on of berating, maybe then, but not now.

When I say she's still in the affair, it is a mindset, and likely she still is thinking of him, maybe contacting him, missing him, etc.

You can look around here, if you look enough, you will find that many, including me, always say that the affair is not what kills the marriage, it's the lies and continued deception after being found out that destroys the marriage.

I get what everybody is saying. Thanks again and I especially want to thank sillyoldsod. Sometimes I need harsh words for things to really sink in.

I know it is not even 2 full days since dday and I don't know if I need to go to a different forum to ask this, but does it ever get easier? Do the amazing memories I have with her ever start to fade? It's tearing me apart because I can't stop thinking of all the really good times we had. And I know that there are almost no couples that have not gone through arguments here and there, but I can literally count on 1 hand the number of times that we have had any serious arguments in the 4 years we have been together. I just want the good memories we had together to stop.

[This message edited by ihatechoosinga at 6:09 PM, February 5th (Sunday)]

The sooner you stop letting her shit all over you and kick her ass to the curb, the sooner those memories will fade.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 6:12 PM, February 5th (Sunday)]

It does get easier. But not if you are in limbo and not taking action.

Whether you divorce or reconcile, the general time frame for healing is 2-5 years.

My 1st wife was having an affair when we were engaged. I blew it off married her nayway and she had more affairs about 3rd year of marriage. We divorced and then I found my current wife. We dated 5 years before we married, I wanted to make sure she was safe. Now here I am again after 15 years she has cheated on me too.

I would think really hard about it before agreeing to R. Don't make any decisions for a few months at least, do the 180 and watch her actions.

So if I am never able to trust anyone again, then why not try to fix something with someone that, at the very least, I know has cheated and will potentially do it again. At least that way if she cheats on me again, it won't be as emotionally damaging since I will have expected it.

Come on man, you deserve better than that!

I can respect not wanting to pull the plug on your marriage so quick and try to reconcile, that's cool. But you need a remorseful wife to do it though, yours isn't.

After cheating on you the best she can do is snide comments. This is after 4 months of marriage, snide comments to you after cheating on you.

but I can literally count on 1 hand the number of times that we have had any serious arguments in the 4 years we have been together.

And yet she cheated. What a peach.

FYI everyone, I mean everyone I personally and professionally know that has divorced their cheating spouse (9 people) has never regretted it. None of them took 2-5 years to "heal." Not having the cheating spouses face triggering them daily seems to really speed things up. And all but two of them have found great new relationships with faithful partners. The other 2 just got divorced in the last 6 months, so I expect them to join the others in the next year or so.

There is a world full of good people out there. Do not let fear keep you from a bright future.

Gawd almighty…

You can find sites that will tell you to ease out. Relax. That things will be fine. That it’s “only an affair” … If that’s what you need then try ashleymadison.com or craigslist.

If, however you want to survive infidelity… THIS IS THE PLACE!!!

Yes – things will get better. It’s up to you if that “better” is long-term or only lasts until you find the next affair.

I want to be clear on one thing: I am going to join the chorus screaming you should divorce. This early into a relationship (and yes – I am including the 4 years) and limited long-term entanglement… THAT would be the fastest and most-likely to succeed path.

But… IF you want to reconcile then that too can be done. But ONLY if you know the truth!!!

You don’t need to do a polygraph. You don’t need to do ANYTHING other than become convinced you have the truth. I’m a former cop. Her “only some oral that I stopped and some handiwork…” no… I don’t believe it. Doesn’t mean it might not be true, but I really think it’s unlikely. Too much build-up, too much intent. It’s like a bank-robber insisting the wad of money only “fell” into his pouch.

Friend – Even IF you learned that she had taken part in a gang-bang with OM and six of his friends… Learning THAT NOW will be better than realizing 6 months from now that she gave OM a BJ. You can ONLY recover from the TRUTH. Lies – even minor lies – will lead you to live a false marriage.

So, you don’t NEED a polygraph, but it can benefit BOTH of you. It can confirm that it was only hands and that she stopped OM. It can create the base you two work from. But it can also help you get the truth.

Tell your wife you don’t believe her. That you find it non-realistic that she can sext and communicate with OM and then plan and implement a way to be with him alone in his apartment and then continue the sexting and texting and then expecting you to believe the physical sex was minimal and she stopped it on some moral grounds.

Tell her that there is NO WAY you two should spend the rest of your lives together if she has emotions for other men.

Tell her that there is no way EITHER of you can have a good marriage with the doubt her affair brings. The ONLY WAY to deal with that is through total truth.

Tell her that she needs to tell you EVERYTHING. Once you think you know everything then and only then can you decide if there is something to save.

Put the options very clearly on the table: You might WANT to reconcile, but without believing YOU have the truth you don’t see it happening.

Make her the offer of an amnesty: Tell you the total truth: When did it start? How did they communicate? How long? How often? What did they do? How can she assure you it’s over? She tells you all this and you tell her that you won’t divorce for 30 days while you think things through.

Tell her that whatever truth she shares can be confirmed by taking a poly. That doing so would benefit both of you.

Then tell her that if she wants to roam she’s free to do so. But not as your wife. She too can ask for a divorce and you won’t stop her – But you won’t share her. She’s either your wife or someone’s else’s date.

It's been two days so how is she acting. She should be begging,crying, snot flying and asking forgiveness on her knees.

Seems like the last you mentioned was that she was acting snotty and disrespectful.

What is she saying?