SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She actually admitted that she enjoyed the time with the OM without me even asking her. She said it when I told her that she was acting as if she felt sorry for getting caught but not for what she did to me. She straight up admitted that she enjoyed it with him but she is sorry that she hurt me. Probably the most truthful thing she has said so far.

You need to stop the MC nonsense now. It will do more damage than good at this point.

She is still thinking like a WS, and blameshifting you. Until she owns her choices,( and that is exactly what they are. She chose to cheat. She consciously said to her self, Self I'm going to cheat. ) and do the work of fixing her broken shit, you will leave MC more hurt and confused than you were before going in.

Yes, this is how it usually goes...

wk55hn - You forgot, "...and then turn around and attack the betrayed spouse." That's usually the next move. Gotta get that indignation up.

would counteract it with trying to put blame on me as to why she cheated...

...feel like part of the reason she cheated was my fault

ihatechoosinga - See how that worked? She went on the offensive. It's YOUR fault she let another man feel her up, because you were horrible. Attack. And in response, you pull back and start thinking maybe she has a point. Perhaps it's really your fault and she was just in a bad state...blah, blah, blah.

HELL NO! There were plenty of other things your wife could have done if there were problems in your marriage. Cheating isn't one of them. The decision to cheat is completely and totally on her. Not you. Not in the slightest. Nothing you've done or didn't do gives her the right. And to try and lay that at your feet is wrong. unfortunately it is also pretty common and there are many betrayed spouses who fall for it. Don't be that guy.

You know what this is? It's a tactic. A strategy she is employing to get you to back off. It's self-preservation. Are you going to just go along with it?

In a long marriage, there will be many times when one spouse or the other won't get the attention they want. I assume the vows didn't say "faithful unless you don't get enough attention."

She is not sorry it happened because it all worked out well for her. She lied about the whole situation, and now YOU are to blame, she had the sex she wanted, and she can keep on doing it. But she will feel bad that you don't like it. You better pick it up and give her the attention she needs from you because if you don't, she can get it from plenty of other guys.

Is she still friends with him?

Brother, I truly think you have your answer there, if she enjoyed it with him it was because she wanted it with him before she did it with him.

I do not think that it had anything significant to do with you, although she makes you and the counselor believe that to preserve a "good image" and not further degrade herself.

Yes it had something to do with you, you were violated and harmed, that is what it has to do with you.

In further MC you would want to uncover what it truly was what that she sought to satisfy with OM, and beware, you might not like the answer.

You have the moral high ground and are the good person here, you also might want to look into the approach that I send you earlier although you are now in MC of course, stay gentle and do not do anything stupid, and care and hugs, we care about you and you are not alone, strength brother!

Ok so she is staying with her friend, GOOD, go NC with her, I mean NO CONTACT. Stop wasting your money on MC it is useless, and stop wasting your energy trying to get her to respect you.

You want her respect, then go NO CONTACT and have her served up with some D papers as quickly as possible.

Then tell her dad, call him up and tell him you are filing for divorce because she had an affair.

Get tough man, right now she doesn't respect you at all, and will NEVER be faithful to you.

[This message edited by soulhurt at 3:15 PM, February 6th (Monday)]

She cheated because she wanted to. Even the night she slept at his place you were asking to spend time with her...she asked you to go home then proceeded to go back with OM to his house... How again was this your fault?

No, if you want to take 50% of the blame for problems in the marriage fine...but this affair is 100% on her.

I have to say your wife is one of the most needy and entitled. Please question if you want to deal with this type of behavior for the rest of your life? What if you have kids and have to divide your attention? Or she feels neglected after having the baby and want's to feel pretty? Or ...

The fact that she feels a lack of attention is a valid reason to cheat has me a bit dumbfounded in the first place. Take no blame for this.

Have you looked at her phone to see if she is still texting with this guy? Have you check the phone records to see how long this has been going on and to what degree?

Look, I made the big mistake you are making when I JFO after dday 1. We immediately went to MC but she was totally checked out of the marriage. That was a waste of money. I begged, I did the pick-me dance, I was pathetic.

Since I have filed, my WW has been kissing my ass, but it is too late, I'm done.

Maybe if you get strong now and have her served and go all 180 badass on her right now you can possibly save the marriage.

You have to be willingly to lose the marriage to save it.

If you want to give her 1 more chance before you go no contact and file, then I recommend you give her the following demands.

1. NC letter to OM that you approve.

2. She comes home today and NC with her GF

3. Timeline and all details

4. Total transparency all passwords for everything

5. She goes to IC to fix herself

6. You want all the texts, all the nude pics, you want it all, no secrets.

I don't know if she can be fixed, but right now she does NOT respect you at all. If your wife doesn't respect you then you are in store for a miserable life.

Wow. I am so thankful to have you all. This might sound strange but reading all the comments and knowing the support you all have given has made me smile for the first time since Dday.

I just got off the phone with my father and he said basically the same thing you all did. He reminded me that she is a social work major with a psychology minor and is very likely using things she learned to make me feel guilty. Additionally, she got upset within the last hour because I refused to tell her I love her. I said I still have love for you, which is true. I do care for her well-being. However, I refuse to tell her "I love you" when I don't right now.

Ultimately, I am filing for divorce. Well technically I can't until we have been separated for a year but you get the point.

Babypuke is dead on. That is right she looked you in your eyes and told you to go home and then she went off with the OM.

Damn that is cold that is no respect that is pure evil.

You need to file and go no contact.

Run dude run, she is poison, she is very broken. MC is a waste and she is a waste.

I'm sorry this happened but be glad it happened early in your marriage. Run and don't look back.

Based on how she's behaved so far, I think there's a pretty good chance that when you tell her you're going the D route, that she will either immediately, or within a week, star behaving very differently towards you.

When that happens, I want you to take the first opportunity you can to log into SI and tell us all about it. You're going to need a reality check from people who have heard every conceivable variation of the tactics that a WS uses to try to manipulate the BS into remaining.

And if, for whatever reason, you wind up deciding to R, that's your call, and we'll be there for that, too. But if you decide to R, we want you doing it for the right reasons, with open eyes, NOT because your WS pulled the wool over your eyes with a bunch of standard tricks from the Cheater's Handbook.

My side of the story.

She fucked another dude (or close to it).

That's all you need to say. Everything else is just playing into her blameshifting game.

It keeps you talking about everything else, but her affair.

Don't do that.

(or more MC, for that matter)

You need to understand THERE WAS NOTHING YOU DID OR DIDN'T DO THAT CAUSED HER TO HAVE AN AFFAIR!

You not paying attention to to her didn't cause this. If you had buried her with attention she would have claimed she had the affair because you were smothering her. And guess what? There is NO sweet spot of not too much or too little attention that would have prevented it. The fact is that she needed an excuse and that's what she came up with. Please believe me when I say YOU DID NOT CAUSE THE AFFAIR.

When you read enough threads on SI you will see this is absolutely true. You'll see a WW say "It was because OM complemented me, said how beautiful I was and what a wonderful person I was." The Betrayed Husband will respond "Every day I tell you those things as well as saying I'm the luckiest guy alive to be married to You." WW response will be "Oh, well you're my husband and I expect you to say things like that."

Please understand that the reason for cheating has everything to do with the wayward and almost nothing to do with the betrayed. So stop beating yourself up and agonizing over what you could have done to prevent her from cheating. There really wasn't anything you could have done because it was all her decision and she made the decision to cheat.

Why did it hurt more telling her we are getting a divorce than finding out she cheated on me??? I feel like something's wrong with me. It feels like my heart was ripped out again, except sprinkled with salt this time and then put back in.

besause you love her, did not choose this and are a good man.

Exactly, you have ethics and moral standards that she does not.

Goddammit. I know I have already pulled the trigger and said we are getting divorced but it feels like I had to choose between the worst mistake of my life and the worst mistake of my life.

Pay attention to what Sordid said, brother.

Her behavior screams PD (personality disorder). The moment she realizes you are serious about divorce, she will melt down, and likely try to give you a combination of love bombing and rug sweeping.

Don't fall for it. There is truly something fundamentally wrong with her. Run, brother.

After only 4 months you have to wait for a year? I don't know where you are from, but with such a short term marriage can't you get an annulment?

Having to wait 3 time longer than the marriage lasted to divorce seems burdensome.

Goddammit. I know I have already pulled the trigger and said we are getting divorced but it feels like I had to choose between the worst mistake of my life and the worst mistake of my life.

You didn't have a choice, she did. You are just reacting to the choices she made.

I'd also wager this has been going on longer than she has admitted to.

You're doing the right thing ,as hard as it may seem. In the long run you will be far better for it.

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 9:50 PM, February 6th (Monday)]