I do, however, shudder at the whore shaming/fuck the slut /she’s a slut/ admit you loved it slut advice. Especially when given without it being a sexual thread, or after an especially emotional suicide attempt update.
I'm pretty sure I know what thread you're talking about, but, to be clear, I haven't seen any of that at all in this thread. Yes, sometimes this does happen, but I don't want to conflate "you should give your H things you have the AP, sexual or otherwise" with "a BH has the right to treat his wife like a whore". The first I believe, the second, I couldn't disagree more.
To me it is not just about sex. That is just the main theme in this thread. My wife took time away from me to be with her APs. Stolen time.
Absolutely true. And we expect WS's to "make up for it"; spend more time camping, playing with the kids, having romantic dinners. Whatever it is that they stole, we try to replace in one way or another.
And, the place your analogy falls down is that all the things you mentioned, while I'm sure you wanted to do them with your WW; you could still do them without her. She kept you from camping with her, but, within the bounds of marriage, you were free to go camping with your friends, family or anyone else. Sex is different, it's much deeper, because it's not that the WS stole the experience with them (which they did as well), they stole the experience from your entire life (assuming you stayed married). If you want to do something and either partner says no, there's no way to do it within the marriage, it's over, that part is gone. Nothing else is like that, because, except for sex, you're free to do anything you want outside the marriage as well.
I would never stick a dildo up his ass just because I learned he let another female do it.
That's not what we're saying. What it sticking a dildo up his ass was a fantasy of yours. Something you'd talked to him about and really wanted to do, but he was vehemently opposed. Then, he cheats on you, and on the 2nd date, he's asking the AP to sick a dildo up his ass? And then, comes back to the relationship, and says "Sorry, no for you, but it was OK with her". That's the analogy, not the AP doing something you don't want to do with your WS, but doing something you REALLY want to do and then being denied it after.
I can only speak for myself, but for my entire life I have been made to feel that 'all that matters is if a girl is pretty,' and 'all a guy wants from a female is sex,' and 'guys are never friends with girls, they just want sex,' and now I feel I am understanding that 'the only thing a husband values is his wife's body--for sex.' It's his, and no one else better touch it. He can get over anything else easier than someone touching his property. Everything a WW does to reconcile the marriage is fine and appreciated, but her 'actions' will be what counts--sex.
Some of this is true, some of it isn't (for me). Listen, there's a hard truth about men, or at least most men I know; very few people really "matter" to them. Sure, I have a lot of friends, but very few of them cross the line into someone I'd really go out of my way for. Men, in general, don't bond the way women do, we bond based on common interests; without those interests, we just don't really spend a lot of time seeking out friendship, or at least I don't. Very few women share common interests with me, and, because of that, and because of the possible sexual tension, no, I'm never friends with women. I guess I could meet a unicorn one day and have enough in common to build a real friendship, but I would kind of be surprised. And I don't think I'm all that rare, most of my guy friends have girls they associate with, but they aren't "real friends". And yes, most of the time that a guy is trying to be "your friend" there's an ulterior motive. There have been lots of studies on this, but basically, a guy being "your friend" often means he wants to sleep with you, and will take your friendship until that happens.
Where I disagree is your last set of statements. No, men don't only value their wives for sex. That is not what I'm saying, and not what other posters are saying (that I saw). What I am saying is that sex is incredibly important to me, as my wife is the only place I can get it, yes, it's a very valuable thing that she shares with me.
"Actions" are not just sex (in R). Yes, as I said above, and have said several times, it's one of the most important things for me in R. But if my wife was banging me through the bed and offering anal every hour but still seeing the AP, lying to me, and being an all around crappy person, I'd leave. All of the "R" characteristics that you want from men, we also want from women. It's just that our priorities are different, sex is higher for most of us, and the "best sex" is, for many of us, an absolute must for R. It's not the only action that matters, but, without it, I know I wouldn't have pursed R, and I suspect other men feel the same.
I can't remember who it was, but there was one poster on here who's wife, after d-day (probably because she understood how important sex was) did everything with her H, including threesomes (something he wanted). He still left her. I'm sure it wasn't because the sex sucked, in fact, I suspect he'll never have sex that good again. But he couldn't get past the rest of it, which is a great way to show that it all matters, it's not just sex; if it was, every women in the world who wanted to R, our advice would be simple; have a threesome and some anal sex, all will be forgiven and you can keep seeing the the AP and acting like a complete asshole if you like, because, after all, anal and threesomes are all that matter to men. I'm making a funny example, but, I think you can see, sex is not the only thing that matters, not by a long shot for R or for a healthy marriage.
