SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Follow the advice on keeping hydrated and fed.

Move. Be active. If you aren’t into jogging or the gym then take walks. No matter how cool and collected you are your body reacts to the stress you are under right now. Movement will loosen stiff muscles and tire you naturally.

I found great solace in isolating myself from infidelity and marital issues while at work. That gave me a daily 8-10-hour period of “normal” worries. It’s a bit like some mystic Zen thing: I would sit in the carpark outside the station and firmly tell myself that the infidelity switch was OFF! Of course, it didn’t work, my mind would wander over to my misery, but then I would consciously tell myself to focus on work. With time, it got easier.

Once again: Your biggest asset is time. In the long run, then whether you get a formal separation agreement signed in the next hour or next week or two weeks from now isn’t an issue AS IS. This might change if your WW demands to return to the home or whatever, but AS IS then you have time. Use that time.

Use it to get good, detailed knowledge on what to expect in separation and in divorce.

Use it to get some ideas if you can legally manipulate financial data to your advantage.

Use it to contemplate where you want to go.

Use it to research what reconciliation would require.

Use it to list what YOU require for reconciliation to be possible.

Aim at having a better picture of what went on, what happened, what your options are and what you need to get to your destination in two weeks. You have time. Use it.

Regarding your daughters. I think it’s a terrible idea to use them as any sort of mediators or go-betweens in your issues.

At the same time – these are not girls, they are grown up women.

I would emphasize heavily to them that your wife cheated on YOU. This does not make her a worse mother (and here we go… Bring on the Whore of Babylon Chorus…) or that they need to take sides with either of you. If they visit with her they will still be as welcome to you as before.

Of course, they are allowed their say in what they think and what they want, but it’s always your call. Personally, I would be careful and reprimand them if they called their mother some derogatory terms, I would remind them that despite all she is and will be their mother.

Since they are grown up women I would also point out that this can only end in one of two ways: You and their mother get divorced and live separate lives or you and their mother reconcile and work things out. It’s not THEIR call – It’s your call and their mothers call. But either option won’t change the fact you two are their parents and would both want an ongoing relationship and involvement in their lives. To do that they need to accept what’s going on and support you two rather than spurn or ignore.

AO – You mentioned previously that my comments gave you some concerns. I hope you talked to an attorney. Were there grounds for concerns? Note I didn’t tell you how things would be – I simply suggested you research how they would be. Did the attorney confirm that it wasn’t as simple as you deciding what she can do or what she gets?

Finally: Her post. If you feel you need more time then tell her so. Simply tell her to give you more time and you wish for minimal contact.

If you think getting some home-made meals would be fine then let her do that.

It’s your call.

Finally finally: There are terms and methods that SI heavily endorses. One of those is exposure. If it’s an active affair then there is probably NOTHING that kills the affair faster than exposure. Therefore we advocate instant and wide exposure to anyone that can impact the WS and the affair.

There is no active affair here. You have already exposed to your daughters because they are stakeholders in the marriage and you will get benefits from that exposure. I suggest you expose to those that are stakeholders and/or can support you and/or your wife.

Another term that’s been used and is disputed is inactive infidelity. I think I coined that phrase back in 2012 or so here on SI when I was the first one to use it so I sort-of think I get to define what it means. You are in inactive infidelity.

WW: The Email. Please consider this to be a 'welfare' check on you. She is trying to figure out where you are and see if there is a re-entry

point back home and into your life. If I was her, I would be doing the same thing. Keep her in the dark.

Daughters: I agree that while their hearts may be in the right place, they may try to be an intermediary because noone wants to see their parents break up and while I agree that the daughters are also victims of the infidelity, they have their own lives and right now, A1, the first person who has to count to you. Not your WW, not your kids, you !!

Lay out guidelines to them on what you expect during this trip. I would also, if they barrage you with questions, to be honest and forthcoming. Don't protect the WW at the expense of your daughters or you.

Exposure: 100% agreed. Expose. I had a friend who didn't expose and the WW trashtalked him and the kids ultimately believed that he was responsible for the breakup. He finally sat them both down and explained his side of it but not before hostility erupted and they weren't on talking terms anymore. The people around you need to know what's up.

Divorce: I know you are concerned about cost and financials. There will always be an expense to it. I know you are from the East. Northeast ? NJ/NY ? Mid-Atlantic ? Divorce laws are draconian in NJ and NY. However, don't let that force you into being into R if you ultimately find out you don't want to. Mid-Atlantic states are better and handling divorces more fairly in my experience. Since OM died due to ice, it sounds like New England. The laws vary up there.

I don't want to beat a dead horse but did you actually verify that OM is indeed dead? Since you mentioned your state recognizes alienation of affection there could be a VERY good reason as to the why of pointing a finger to a man who is dead. Anyone can point to a grave marker and say "Yep that's him". Admittedly I am extremely analytical. Just sayin'.

With that said if you think you may be leaning towards R, I would at the very least have a poly on the horizon.

He said he looked up the accident and verified the OM and his family died.

Yes I agree that's the family WW pointed to. I just don't believe WW always tell the truth (even in written scripts).

Marriagesucks may be on to something. The only thing is that A1 can look up the obituary, the photos and see the sex photos and verify it's the same guy.

Did you do this A1 ?

Well, seeing DD ostensibly knows the family it would be easy enough to verify.

right Sharkman, I think the point is that Marriagesucks theorizes that the WW may have picked this family knowing they were dead and that the affair was dead as a result. So A1 relaxes and is confident that the affair is dead while in the meantime, her affair continues because the real OM is still alive.

I think that's what was being talked about.

However, the radar has been clear for so long that it is possible the real OM is dead. All A1 needs to do is look at his picture from the sex pictures and compare it to the photo from the obit to make sure his leg isn't getting pulled again.

This is what waywards do to us, makes us paranoid.

Now my opinion is that someone who pulled a 9 year affair could possibly do what Marriagesucks suggests is possible but my gut feeling is that A1 already looked at the obituary and corroborated it with the pics he saw and so the OM is dead

[This message edited by Western at 11:27 AM, November 22nd (Wednesday)]

Bigger I have a question to ask you. You say AO is in "inactive infidelity".

Infidelity can be both physical and mental. What if AO's WW continues to think about OM (a lot)? What if she goes to visit his grave (numerous times a yr)? What if while having sex with AO over the past nine yrs she has envisioned that it was OM making love to her and not AO?

Is this (in your opinion) still "inactive infidelity"?

I'm not bringing this up to argue with you.....I'm just wanting to understand (for my own sake) when an affair goes from active to inactive (and this is a weird situation given OM has been dead for quite awhile). Appreciate your insight on this.

A1,

The numbness is a form of ptsd; a competent therapist can address the condition.

Your daughters will likely decide among themselves how they plan to engage their mother.

I suggest you turn down your wife's offer to provide food. She may mean well, but she fails to comprehend the severity of the situation.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 12:38 PM, November 22nd (Wednesday)]

I vote for exposure to prevent spin and fake reasons for the split posited by the ex as for why the divorce happened.

I was at a relatives 80th birthday party with the extended family when i revealed the divorce information.

It was about four years after the end of the cheating. Too many years of me trying to blow air into the balloon. I finally realized that when I stopped? the balloon always deflated. Ex never blew a puff of air into the balloon.

My big reveal, and it was doozie, both shocked everyone and got a lot of people there wanting the salacious details.

I was in the mindset to reveal, so I did.

My ex heard about this and was mortified that she had been unmasked for the crappy human being that she is.

She was ostracized, rightly so, by my extended family who even she admitted treated her better than her own family.

Yes, there was a punishment angle, and that was satisfying to me. I don't care that people say a reveal is just to stop the affair. I do not agree.

It also let my most intimate relatives know why I had been so isolating for years. How could I talk about football, their kids, the job, anything, when I was so consumed by the crap in my life?

Now they understood why.

They closed ranks around me and have been very supportive.

And you know what else happened? Others came up to me to tell me of the crap in their lives too.

Scratch anyone and they have a story under the surface.

[This message edited by michzz at 1:13 PM, November 22nd (Wednesday)]

His daughters alredy know the reason for the split, sans the slimmy details.

The concept is based on terms used in substance abuse. I picked it up because I see a lot in common with alcoholism and infidelity. Any recovered alcoholic will share that to stop drinking is easy but to remain sober is hard. Someone that decides on a Sunday morning to be sober might have 100% intent on staying on the wagon, only he doesn’t do the work to understand his addiction and do the work needed to remain safely sober. He might store that good expensive bottle of cognac despite not having any intent of drinking it. This is inactive alcoholism – the person hasn’t 100% let go of the addiction.

AO wife is in inactive infidelity because like the alcoholic that isn’t drinking she isn’t seeing OM. But she is still holding back… I don’t give too much to the pics and letters on the old computer. The computer hadn’t been used for 8 years and I think AO had to run recovery software to find some of the stuff. The letter… maybe a memento, maybe preparation for the inevitable confession.

What I do know is that part of successful recovery is confessing, seeking forgiveness and making amends. AO WW has yet to do all that. Therefore, she is not a recovered cheating wife (XWW) but a WW in inactive infidelity.

Having said that – I do think she’s done a lot of the work required. If I were to stick to the alcoholism comparison then maybe 8 of the 12 steps… but still has more to do.

BTW – not that it matters, but I am not an alcoholic, active or inactive.

Since I don't think the affair started with taking pictures in NYC, then it is safe to assume that the actual start of the affair was before 1999.

A1 is looking at probably close to 10 years of an active affair and close to another 10 years of a wife who lied by omission and kept the truth hidden while she went to counselling to deal with the death of the man she loved.

A1 is obviously the financial Plan B. She was probably close to being ready to move on from him when her lover died.

This is a 20 year affair. 20 years of being lied to, and taken advantage of. Building family financial support while she was out disrespectin him, the family, and the marriage. Totally selfish during this whole time. No thoughts for him or her children's future. She was in love with this other man and A1 was simply the bank, the source of money so she could do this. Daily sex with him and romantic vacations. The source of money for her to attend counselling so she could recover from the death of the man she loved. The source of money to support her lifestyle after she recovered.

She only returned to acting the good wife when she had no other option - Plan B. She NEVER considered A1 and his feelings at any point in all those 20 years.

This a lot to forgive and forget.

My advice is to get the official separation and see if you think you are better off with her or without her. My guess is without her.

Thanks for that clarification Bigger.

A,

My opinion is that exposure in the traditional sense, for the traditional reasons, is not required here. Instead I suggest a more metered approach based on the current state of things. Your current state is that you intend to file for a legal separation.

You've told you daughters. Critical and necessary.

Your W's sister has known something/italic]about the adultery dependent on what your W told her.