SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Then why have sex over and over again.

If she did not want to then she would not have had sex with OM.

Sorry if you don't like that, and it is not my opinion either.

Women think differently about sex than men do.

And woman have affairs for different reasons, and for many woman, sex is not the reason.

So why have sex, to keep the affair going. Since men are in it for the sex, without the sex, the man leaves the affair and there is no affair.

So the woman has sex to keep the affair going, they usually do not have affairs to have sex.

Then why SG's wife had the affair most likely falls into the category of something new, exciting or validation of themselves, etc.

^^^^^^^^^ I have heard all of that more times than I care to count.

In this specific case then why go to all the trouble for the sex part of it i.e. driving all that way the shaving the lingerie. She put a lot of energy into something she did not want to do.

I just don't believe your theory applies to this situation.

Spaceghost,

Among all the things that the "R merry crowd" has been feeding you, there is one big truth:

You shouldn't divorce because you want to bang other women.

That is no reason to divorce.

That said, you also shouldn't reconcile because of some obvious crocodile tears.

This:

She wanted to come clean but knew I would divorce her so she kept lying.

may be true for the last few days before you had her served, when she had guessed you probably knew or suspected something, but it's a big lie otherwise. She didn't mean to end it at all before that and you know it.

She told you a lot of things that are probably true and a lot of things that come straight from the WW script. It's incredible how these WWs always find men so terrible in bed.

I'm more of a "PA is worse" guy, not only because of the obvious male reasons to think this way, but also because love would be a nobler motivation in my mind. Yes I would need to struggle if I wanted to R with her, but at least I would not completely lose my respect for the person.

I know that the "sex wasn't that good" is WW script designed to make the BS feel better, but, frankly I would relate better to someone going back because the sex was good, because if it's not, well, it's just stupid.

In the end if it wasn't for love and it wasn't for the sex, she betrayed you so brutally and repeatedly for a "handful of peanuts". That doesn't make her a better person, that makes it worse IMO.

Anyway if you are really considering R:

- Let divorce proceed, you can stop it at any time, it might just pressure her in being more truthful when disclosing everything about the A.

- Consider putting back in place VARs and GPS, so you can monitor her communications with OM (if any) or her toxic friend (tell nothing about the friend for now, ask her to lose her only when you are sure to R)

- Try to verify indipendently, if possible, most of the facts she will tell you about the A.

Good luck.

The statement she did not tell you because she was afraid if she told you you'd divorce her is laughable. That would be understandable IF she had done it once, realized the mistake , and ended it right there. That ain't what happened!!!

The Devil made her do it the first time, second time she did it on her own.

[Courtesy of Billy Joe Shaver/Waylon Jennings]

Space, I can only echo what nononsense just posted. Strength to you.

italianjob is so right also.

Spaceghost,

I really am sorry you are being force-fed a giant helping of projection on your thread. Especially when your nerves are clearly raw.

You have stated that infidelity is a deal-breaker for you. Yet, that seems to be a vile and unforgivable offense to some.

Sir, do what you have to do for your soul. R or D is YOUR choice, not ours. It is not our place to criticize you for wanting to move on. And it is not our place to insult you because you have a moral compass.

And I will repeat again and again - YOUR DECISIVENESS has saved you countless agonies that most of us that clung to dead heap of our old marriage in hoping that we could somehow resurrect our fantasy of what "was."

Not that you are not going to face agonies. You will. But you would not be where you are now, getting truth (at least some of it), getting what looks like it could be remorse, if you had not been decisive.

Strength to you in this dark and cruel time.

Yet, that seems to be a vile and unforgivable offense to some.

It seems that even bringing up R is a vile and unforgivable offense to some.

SG said it is cool, that he enjoyed the points of view. The Mod said it is cool. You and nononsense have made your point in trying to shout down the R-ers. Repeatedly. But folks are still going to bring up R because that is what they believe in their heart of hearts. That's just the way it is going to be.

Threadjack coming so I apologize in advance

HouseofPlane,

I am sorry you misinterpret my words, but I can see why you would think that. Actually, I have been in R (more correctly, a new marriage with fww) for four years. So, I highly support R.

What I do not support is people telling SG he is rash, making decisions too soon, that he needs to step back, that he needs to see her remorse and give the marriage a second chance. I am fine with those that advocate for R. Not for those that criticize him for not giving R a chance.

That is not conducive to his healing.

He is in pain. He has decided on a course of action that has provide him some degree of healing. He is progressing in his mourning and dealing with his shock well. It would be contraindicated at this time to prescribe a course of waffling and second-guessing.

When he has healed to the point he can entertain such ideas, I am sure he will consider R. I know I did. I filed, moved out, practically went through the entire divorce including allocation of assets (that now stands as our post-nup) before I decided to give us another chance.

So, I would implore fellow members to advocate for R all they want. But as this is a site for healing, attacking him, the OP, for not seeing she is remorseful, deserving a second chance, etc, is counterproductive at this time.

End of my threadjack

There are so many layers to this crap sitch you are in, it will change daily. For sure.

We all heard the "sex was not good" or "it was only once" or "I never said I love you to them" or "I never stopped loving you". etc.....

Your emotions will change every day. Of this I am sure. What you decide to do about it is entirely up to you. If you hold firm to a D, then thats OK, that is your rite and your choice.

The BS does not have to give the gift of R. When a WS decides to go down this path they have then gone away from the marriage, the end, finite, they have given themselves to someone else, there is no "maybe, or sorta, or not sure".... no matter what justifications they choose. It is over. They made that choice.

Every day will change for you. Today you are sure, tomorrow you are not sure, the next day you are really sure...keep doing whatever it is that makes you feel OK. It will be a roller coaster, it will change all the time and it will make you cry. Until you don't cry anymore.

She said our sex life was much better and it was not me it was "Her" that let "Her" down.

Hah. Wow. So it's all about her then. What about letting YOU down?

I admire you greatly for sticking to your guns. You gave her fair and adequate notice that infidelity was a an unforgivable, deal breaking offense. By remaining consistent and sticking to your morals and values you are gaining a huge amount of credibility and surely my respect. The next person that you get into a relationship with will know in no uncertain terms that you absolutely will not tolerate it. While it's no guarantee that your words and actions will prevent it from happening again sadly, I mean look at your current situation, it will hopefully serve a positive purpose in the decision making process of your future significant other.

I have adopted your mentality as well and should I ever start dating again, I will send the same message. I took 10 years too long to finally put my words into action and the result of that was that I sent my XWW the message that I had no credibility, that I would not D if she had A's. I didn't file, and guess what? She did it again. This is the exact scenario you allude to. Now, while your wife says she would never do it again, by not holding your beliefs and values exacts no consequences on her, it sends that same message to her, you lose credibility and it makes it much easier for her to do it again. I'm not saying it's a guarantee that she will, but why take that chance? I repeated this cycle several times by not taking action and I regret it. Don't be me.

For the record, I think you're handling this like a champ and only wish I would have done the same much, much sooner. I know it's not easy, even given the circumstances and you are doing what is right for you which is the correct course of actions, those which are for YOU, and nobody else. Her actions did not take you and your feelings into account, why should she deserve the same consideration? You, and we all, deserve better than that.

Good luck in whichever way you proceed.

He is in pain. He has decided on a course of action that has provide him some degree of healing.

We've all been in pain, which is certainly the one thing all of us have in common.

Many of us have filed for divorce and then stopped it for reasons that were good enough to stop it.

After being on this board long enough, you start to realize that affairs can almost be categorized and WW's can be categorized, or rated on a scale of no chance to chance of R.

SG situation is not very different from a lot of ours at one time. It is shear hell in the beginning and then what was once our deal breakers start to fade when and if the WW does and acts a certain way.

Only SG can know what his gut tells him to do at certain times.

I think most jumped back in to discuss the point that getting a divorce to be able to go out and have sex with others like his wife did would not solve anything, at least not for most of us.

Hey ther SG. Looks like you last post set off some fireworks.

I guess I would say to you to do your best for what you need. Right now she is focussing on what she needs and wants.

I agree that she sure worked hard to commit adultery, no matter whether it was for the fun, the life style, or whether the om is the reincarnation of Johnny Wadd. Point us, she really worked at it, and you have every right to be hurt and dismayed. She would still be at it if you hadn't been persistent. I guess my only question for now is what the hell she thought was going to happen when you found out? Surely your reaction can't be a surprise to her, given your history and prior conversations.

So she never said she loved him. To me that makes her a user of you AND the om. I guess when she said she did it for the fun she was being truthful. So sad for you.

So do what you think is best in your own time.

Glad you let us know you are ok.

Her whole explanation is just sad.

And what a waste to throw all those good years of marriage and family away for a guy she would never leave you for.....

Show her consequences. Otherwise she will never feel the loss of what she threw away.

Be well.

HM

So many stories on this site have stated this and that are the deal breaker, only to see the BS spouse regress on the statement and at times catering to the WWS NEEDS. I also had deal breakers in place and when the day came for me it was simple, to respect myself enough to let go of something I thought was meant to be forever was something I had to do. Some men can live with the thought of another man making love to your wife and of your wife making love to another man. For me there is no bigger betrayal and one that deserves no forgiveness.I believe SG has the same ideals as do a lot of men who could never get over the thought of someone you loved and cherished giving themselves freely to another man. There are some things that are just plain unforgivable.

Hell, they're dealbreakers for everyone...until they're not. I don't know too many men or women who like the idea of being lied to while someone else screws your spouse.

My advice to SG was based on his suggestion that maybe he could divorce his wife, sleep around a bit, and see where they are in a year or two.

I wouldn't blame him a bit for wanting to divorce her and have as little to do with her in the future as possible. Wouldn't blame him a bit for wanting to date other women now that his wife has shattered their marriage vows. But I get the feeling that he wants to leave the R door cracked open just a bit. His own words indicate as much. If R is even a possibility, doubling down on the destruction (like divorcing, banging other babes) is not the best move.

If you divorce, it should be for no other reason that wanting to divorce and end the relationship so you can move on with your life. Having any other agenda - including one that contemplates R down the line - is just a bad idea IMO.

She kept saying she never told him that she loved him.

You do not that if it is true or not, she is telling you what you want to here to R/save the marriage. She got caught and now she is going to lie and back peddle.

She said she would never leave me and he knew that.

She had the feeling you knew something was up but she still continued to have sex with him

For some reason she thinks telling a person you love them is worse than having sex with them???

For me it is both, she left the marriage, she crapped on you and she kept on having sex and then came home to you to what tell you she still loved you and then 2 had sex after she was with him? Her problem is she has no respect for you, she didn't care because she was not leaving a trail behind her to be caught. she has his phone. And they talked in person. she knew she would never be caught and disrespected you to the very end.

She wanted to come clean but knew I would divorce her so she kept lying. I Believe her since it is true.

Wait space.............. She wanted to come clean, after she was caught or before? What would be the point to coming clean? She was having sex with him, end of story.

She wants to stay together and will prove her love.

Prove her love???????? Proving her love to you and to the "FAMILY" was to not sleep with Tom Dick and Harry, or it it Tom's dick is Harry, lol!

I Told her I would always worry the sex with him was better.

She said our sex life was much better and it was not me it was "Her" that let "Her" down.

So once again she tried to make it better for you and her to find a way to have better sex with him to just continue seeing him and sleeping with him? Laughing and laughing, then she comes home to you.

Do you think a women that is trying to re-group to save her marriage will tell you........

He is way bigger then you and way better than you. He gave me so many orgasms I lost count, that is why I kept on going back to see him not for his 'money' but for the mind blowing sex.

I Told her if it wasn't then why cheat? She said that is why she's in counseling.

That is the best answer she could come up with?? Really??? Her answer is Counseling!!!

she still did not tell you why...... and she wants to stay together?? but she can not tell you why she had sex with this guy? And when she knew you were maybe on to her she still thought it was a joke along with her friend to keep on having sex.

If she could cheat and not lose me then she would do it again.

Really she said that and now that's the path she wants to take, she has 2 personalities now?

Well now she opened a can of worms for saying that.

She said this was her first time getting caught, then how many other time/men did she sleep with???

I bet that made you feel really special. That would have ripped my heart right out of my chest if I heard me ex-wife say that to me. Holy Crap.

So if you 2 never had the talk about "Cheating" then in her lil world she would have been doing it since you were together/married???????

OM left her a message asking what I told his wife.

First, I do not see what is funny. Did she say OM left a message? Did you hear it or from her only? And what is she even dealing with him if she is so sorry? And wants to fix it with you? She should have changed her number. end of story!!!

I would go over to where the guy lives and beat the crap out of him and maybe in front of your wife and his wife!!

Shes not doing anything for you she is doing everything for her. And you feel sorry for her?

About what? What do you feel sorry for her about?

That she will not have more sex with the other guy? She will not get free meals? she will not get anymore free presents?

Did she sign the divorce papers?

How are the kids and the rest of the family doing with her cheating ways? Are they feeling real proud of her? Are they also feeling sorry for her?

How did this become feel sorry for her? did you cheat on her? did you disrespect her, make a fool out of her? cheat on her?

CR

I am surprised at the number of people that have never heard that WW's will gladly give up sex to have emotional needs met. And OM will meet emotional needs to keep getting sex.

So OP's WW is most likely telling the truth when she said it was not about loving the OM but enjoying the extra attention she was getting from the OM.

[This message edited by maestro at 9:06 PM, February 16th (Monday)]

The why. I have been reading here about 9 months. I have yet to read one that made sense in a way that would explain much. I think it is a dead end

Your wife did something self destructive. The seems little doubt she loves you. Why did she do it then?

Because she thought she could get away with it.

SG, what is your profession btw, as you are indeed very decisive and clear thinking.

"Yet, that seems to be a vile and unforgivable offense to some."

^^^I haven't read anything like that...my 2 cents.

Women and men are different. Maestro summed it up as a generality. Bigger has always talked about things being exchanged with the AP.

Good luck SG.