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Fold, is he going to be allowed to continue in his job? Of course I am thinking of Kid's insurance, support, etc.

You are a very strong woman and it definitely sounds as if you are DONE with him - so I'm not too worried about him worming his way back into your life. IF he were to become a better Dad and spend quality time with the kids, that would definitely give you a breather. From your posts I think you are super talented at setting boundaries - and that IS what it will come down to.

Good luck!

Hi Jeaniegirl. No, he would retire and get a civilian job. He intends to retain health insurance (he can pay privately for the kind he has now) and the kids will be covered through him. It is in our decree that he provides insurance coverage for them, and we split OOP or out of network fees. If for some reason he reneges on insurance then I can add them to my policy. I have savings to cover that if needed.

He is definitely not going to be in my life. Neither of us has any interest. And that is what makes this both "good" and "bad." We had had a pretty good marriage. It wasn't perfect, but we were friends, coparents, and enjoyed the others' company. We didn't argue or say rude things, we were on the same page with almost everything. It wasn't a natural dissolution, we weren't going out with friends individually or spending time apart when at home or sleeping in separate rooms or anything. It was just really sudden. All of it. And then he turned on a dime with how horribly he treated me when we decided to divorce and were in the same house. It was total lashing out with anger, belittling, blame. Deflection x100.

He loves the kids and misses them. I know that. But he has shown that he is not capable or interested in being anything more than a PT dad. And that is OK. He knows his limits and now I know them too. So to me, what I think is best for the kids is minimal contact, as outlined in our decree. Every other weekend. I do not intend to let him have more time than that even if he moves one door down from me. The kids are thriving with me, they want to be with me. They are very routine kids and like consistency. They have fun when Disney dad is in town of course as he brings guilt gifts and takes them on outings and out for ice cream. But they always are excited to come home, give him a quick bye and run to me. I would never alienate them from him and maybe things would change if he moves to this state, but they have never once, ever, said they miss him or that they want to call him; the pictures they draw of family is me with them and our pet. They will talk to him when he calls and see him when he visits, but he is out of sight and out of mind and I am sure some will disagree, but I do not view this is as a bad thing. They have had so much upheaval and change in their little lives. All at his doing. They want consistency. And that is me.

I’m glad to see some positives in your post. Glad things are going okay given the circumstances.

I believe you would never alienate your kids and if he did move one door down and your kids wanted to see him every day, you would be ok w/ that.

Kids are very much aware of things. Your kids know (I am sure) that none of this was your idea. And they see things from a their perspective— mom is here and mom is our safety net.

I just don’t understand HIS mindset. He cheats. He faces serious consequences and backlash. He blames you for all of it.

It’s like watching a movie b/c you don’t recognize your H - and there is nothing you can do. I lived that for 6 months - watching my H morph into someone or something I hardly recognized.

Glad things are going okay for you.

Totally, 1st Wife. What a great analogy. It is very much like watching a movie and you're like "Did I go to HS with that actor? He looks so familiar but I don't really know him." For sure. I keep circling back to this feeling that he is just a stranger. All of the cliches, right? The person I knew and married wouldn't have made any of the many terrible decisions he did. I know you felt the same when everything happened in your world, 1stWife.

As for XWH's angle, I just don't know. He screwed up, owned it, and agreed to do what was "right" to financially provide support. And that lasted for a few weeks, until he completely changed gears, and began lashing out, shifting blame, revising history, and focusing anger on me. Then it morphed into ignoring me, then back to anger. And more lies, weird lies, about what had happened (originally telling me they didn't text after the hookup and later me finding out they did), and lies about his whereabouts (going on a casino vacation when he told me he was having a soft job interview). Then came more deflection and blame, the 180 on the financial stuff, his own breakdowns, and where we are now, which is like he is still completely focused on himself and how he is a victim and the sense he will never ever apologize again or talk about what he did with me or to others. It's all along been "yeah yeah yeah, I cheated and that was wrong but AP is now trying to ruin my life and I am the victim." He simply cares and loves himself more than anyone else and it just will never change, and he will likely continue to rationalize why he did the things he did to himself, which I am sure in his mind was warranted because I did too much of ABC and not enough if XYZ.

Maybe he misses me sometimes and the family and lifestyle we had, but I get this sense he's just like wrapped up 13 years into a little parcel and pitched it in the trash or stored it deep in the attic of his memory to be forgotten about. On my side of the house, I'm wondering when and how and if I am "healed" and "have moved on." I mean, I spent months in a highly emotional state, writing here, talking to the few friends I confided in. I cried more than I've cried. And now .... I feel like I guess it is done, and I should be over all of this. I had my time to be upset, I was upset, and now that time is over and I should just be ... I don't know, better? Over it? Not looking back? I don't know. I fortunately do not have childhood trauma or unresolved emotions or things to unpack from my past; this is just you know the main horrible thing that has happened to me. So when do I just click over in my mind and in my life that it was done to me and it's time to just forget about it all?

Hi Fold, I'm glad to see your recent posts and hope things continue to move in a positive direction for you.

My father also wrapped up his life with my mother into a neat little package of "Past Life" and never looked back. Even now, 35 years after their divorce, things get awkward if my brother and I try to reminisce with him too much about our childhood. He was "unhappy" then, or at least that's the story he sold his AP/wife, so how can he reminisce about "happy times"? The mental gymnastics are just that MENTAL.

My mother struggled to move forward after their divorce. She fought for their marital home in the settlement and lived in it for another 10 years following their split. Financially that worked well for her, but living in that house and staying in that area was so draining for her mentally and made it so hard for her to move forward. That my dad and his AP/Wife lived in the next town didn't make it easy, either.

10 years after the divorce, she did what you did -- packed up and moved to a more familiar location with friends and people she had known for years. Her life changed after that. She had friends, activities, and things to do. She built a happy life and moved forward. I truly believe it was the change of surroundings and her friends that brought her so much joy after so much depression.

I hope that by having your whirlwind upheaval and getting away from it and moving closer to real support will fast-forward you into that life, too. I think not being back where everything happened, but building a new life with your kids in a new location is so healthy. I hope that as the calendar turns with the end of the year, you continue to celebrate successes and build your new life.

Hi Fold,

I have thought about you often and I’ve been hoping that things are moving forward for you and I see they are. You have done a remarkable job in protecting your children and protecting your heart and establishing a new life where you are. I think you were very smart to move. I commend you.

Christmas is coming and I was wondering if your ex would be coming into town to see the boys? I hope you don’t get guilted into having him over for Christmas or other celebrations. You owe him nothing.

Enjoy your boys and try to make new traditions without your husband in them. I’m sure the first year will be hard.

I’m sending warm wishes. 🎄

Thank you, Sadie, for such a supportive message and for sharing your story. Your poor mom, to go through so much and have to deal with your dad and his new wife being so close in proximity. I am sure that was difficult for you and our siblings too. I am glad that she was able to keep her home and made the decision to move when it made sense for her, and had a chance at a different kind of life that was more full and likely freeing.

I go through moments when I feel proud of where I've gotten so far, that the kids are thriving, that I'm keeping the plates spinning OK in most senses. I also feel tremendous pressure (self inflicted) that it's not enough, that I need to earn more and have a better job, but also spend more time with them. I think ALL parents have those feelings regardless of marriage status but of course it is magnified that so much rests on my shoulders and there is more at stake since I'm on my own.

But I do feel relief to not be in the state we used to live. The anonymity of life on the other coast is helpful with all of this.

Thank you, BeachGirl. You are so kind to check in and provide so much ongoing support.

He is visiting the kids for two days next week. They are legally with me every Christmas per our decree. He originally was not going to visit until late January but maybe the Christmas spirit got to him. Who knows. He asked for gift suggestions and I presume plans to give them gifts early when he visits (we do one "Santa" gift and the rest from parents so it wouldn't confuse the kids to get early gifts).

My parents will be coming for the holiday and I have some out of town friends I will see as well so it will be busy. Busy is good. But I know it will still be hard. Everything at Christmas is just magnified x100 for in-tact nuclear families, you know? The posed Christmas card photos, the matching family PJs, the TV commercials. I still want that for myself and for the my kids and I hate that it's been taken from us. Then there is all the logistical stuff to be sorted on my own. I get to somehow wrestle a live tree into a stand tomorrow by myself. That will be interesting. And wrapping presents by myself when we used to open a bottle of wine and turn on a Christmas movie and make a night of it. It's just not how it was supposed to be and it will never be like that again. I'm sad for my kids and I'm sad for myself. But I know I am lucky I don't have to pack them up every other Christmas to spend it apart from me.

The posed Christmas card photos, the matching family PJs, the TV commercials. I still want that for myself and for the my kids and I hate that it's been taken from us.

Do those things. You're still an intact family. He's just not a part of it. And that's ok. Keep these traditions alive for your kids. And yourself. They've only been taken away,if you let them. It will be different, sure. But the kids need to know not every family tradition has been lost.

Hi Fold! I so agree with Hellfire , keep those traditions going. Your family unit is intact, your exWH dropped out of it for bad behavior.

You have been a solid stable role model for the kids and this is another learning opportunity for the kids. Life goes on and will go on with or without the exWH. Why should the kids be deprived of anything because of the selfish choices of their father?

I hope you have a good holiday season with the kids and create new memories and traditions ! This year has been tough but you can look back and pat yourself on the back ( one from me too) and be proud for how far you have come along in a short time.

Take care !

Thank you Hellfire and Abalone. Happiest of holidays to you both.

WXH just finished his parenting weekend. Like usual he finished his visit midday, and is flying back this afternoon. I don't know why he's never visited for the whole 48 hours he's permitted. I mean, it's not like he has to catch an early flight to get home in time for any responsibilities as he is still on administrative leave. But, I digress...

He and I talked a bit before kid pickup on Friday. He is still waiting to find out what happens next for him with his legal case. They can take the judge's recco to drop the charge or proceed to make an example. As more time goes by I feel it will be the latter. He does as well. He seems more resigned to the inevitable of this not all going away any time soon. He is still very laser focused on his situation - his legal team, media management - and the victimhood of it. I doubt that will ever change. I'm certainly not holding my breath that it will or even should.

I did screw up the courage to tell him that I did not want him moving here when everything is "done." That there is nothing for him here. No friends, no family, no job prospects, a city he does not know. I told him our custody arrangement would not change if he is here; he'd have access same as he does now. I told him to go and move back to a different city he has lived in before, where he has family (including siblings and his eldest child), loads of friends, former colleagues, and job prospects in various industries. It's a short flight from where we are, he could come back maybe for a three day weekend for parenting time, or take spring break and February break for parenting time, or a week or two in the summer. I said that we have a good, solid routine here, that stability is what is needed, that it is important for kids to see their dad but that they are happy and healthy with me, that we don't need or want him here. That he can take the time to work on his relationship with his first child in the same city, which is now strained from this whole debacle. I had prefaced the conversation by saying he didn't need to react or reply, just listen. He did, and said he appreciated the perspective and would take it in consideration. It was very calm. We said no more about it and went off on the school pick up routine.

I know - KNOW - that he knows this. He has no interest in the city we are in except I think he obviously feels indebted to be where the kids are. I know he loves the kids and misses him. I cannot imagine how it just feel to go so long without seeing them, hugging them except he is just used to it I suppose and is OK with it. I swear when I had the conversation, I saw physical relief in him. Maybe he doesn't want to admit it to himself that he does not want to actually come here. Maybe he wants me to give him permission - or a new narrative ("she doesn't want me there") - to explain if he moves elsewhere. He would never admit it to himself, or to me, or to anyone else, but deep down I think he knows a few hard things about himself ...that he is only up to be a PT parent, that the kids are happier with me, that he wants to move to a city where he has people and opportunity versus here. I am hoping at the end of everything that is what he decides to do.

I kept busy over the weekend, seeing friends, prepping for the holidays, running errands, deep cleaning. They had a nice visit, he brought their XMas gifts which were a hit. I had packed a kid gift for him in the suitcase, same as I did for his birthday. Surprisingly, when he did drop off he had a small bag of presents the kids had wrapped for me. Little things (I was nosy and peeked when nobody was looking), a picture book, tea, a blanket, cards signed by the kids and one from our pet. I was surprised he had decided to mark the occasion through the kids. But it also made me tear up. It's the type of things he would get me each year from the kids, and always cards from the pet "signed" in their "handwriting". It felt a little "normal" and also just so awkward. That things are the same, but they obviously are not. That he got the kinds of gifts he usually does but he won't be there to see me open them, ever again, that he'll be doing who knows what for XMas. Sitting at his empty house alone? Or finding a friend or family member to visit? And I'll be with the kids trying to enjoy the moments and making magic for them, but also eagerly counting down until I can just get the day over with. It just .... stings, feels weird, hurts, makes me sad.

Like the other visits, I was anxious to see him. I both dreaded it and looked forward to it. We got to school pickup and I wanted to jump out of the car and also stay in it forever with him. It is such a challenging set of emotions. At the core I am incredibly heartbroken that my marriage is over and I've been tossed aside. Other emotions, the anger and disappointment and shame that has come from all of this have won out more than anything else. But at the core I am just so effing sad. We had a good life and there was so much potential for it be better even better in every way. And he went down a terrible path and blew everything up. I hate that there are so many times that I miss him.

Fold,

Your last post brought tears to my eyes, and I am so sorry for all you have gone through
and are still going through. The first Christmas is definitely the hardest but with your strength, integrity, and intelligence I have no doubt that eventually life will be so much easier for you.

Also, I’d bet you are right about your ex really not wanting to move there, but needing your permission or an excuse not to come. You are smart to give him that out. It will make your life less stressful to not have him around.

I hope you manage to spoil yourself a little this Christmas and relax and enjoy those boys. They are so lucky to have you. Sending you hugs and support for a happy holiday.

Fold, you are doing so well and managing everything in a great manner. Reading your posts -- reminds me of Dragn's posts and the hard time she is having, especially with the holidays. She too is trying so hard.

About the older half sister of your children - do they have a relationship with her? Do you? Does she want to be a part of their lives? if so that might be a good family connection for them.

Thank you, BeachGirl. You are right that the first holidays are hard. Likely similar to how the first holiday after a loved one passes is hard. You are forced to get used to a new normal you don't want in a lot of cases.

I think "permission" not to relocate here helps. Maybe just somehow in him determining what he ultimately winds up doing, my two cents not to come here helps. I just get a sense from this last interaction that he is much more somber and resigned to his case continuing, him not being able to relocate until the end comes which will be much later than he had thought initially, and even the fact that this city is not a welcome place for him.

At the same time, I know that if he does ultimately decide not to move here it will also have an impact on me. That it will hurt he does not want to be as closes as he can be, that his ultimate choice is still putting himself first. It's nuts, right? I'm honestly going to be upset whatever he chooses. For now, I feel rightfully entitled to feeling both ways. Neither decision is "right" because this was not supposed to be a decision he made, and I am still catching myself in moments wondering how TF I wound up here, in all ways and manners.

Maybe he felt nostalgic or guilty about the holidays in choosing the gifts. It is right to model to the kids that they do nice things for the people in their life, that is why I did gifts from the kids. So it is nice he is modeling kindness to them. But I don't know.... he could have picked things that were different. Like a board game I can play with the kids or something kid-centric, like a craft for them to do with me. It was seeing things I would normally receive from him - tea, a book, a throw blanket, there's a matching set of tshirts for them and me, and the cards. It just threw me. It is the same, but everything is different. Isn't that the statement for the year?

Thanks, Jeanie. Yes, I have a close relationship with my stepchild. We text multiple times a week, talk by phone, send pics. We have been talking about planning a visit here but it hasn't happened yet. There is a big age gap and since we lived overseas for a long time the siblings have not spent a ton of time together in person. But definitely they are in each others' lives and will continue to be.

My inlaws continue to be radio silent. My siblings in law and I trade basic happy thanksgiving or happy birthday texts. But that is it. I get it. They're not really my family, but it continues to smart. Same with a few friends I still have heard nothing from. I was very careful with my christmas card list, none to his family or to friends who were his friends first. I sent to my people, my family, my friends. I sent to joint friends I have been in touch with. And I sent it to the two people who have said nothing and the one who, 6 months after everything blew up, sent a brief "call if you want to talk" text and when I thanked them and said it has been very hard and I could use a friend did not reply. These are people whose silence has caused me pain. People I thought were true friends. If those cards are returned or I never hear back, then I feel I have my answer on that front. On NYE I plan on deleting a bunch of numbers from my phone, likely including theirs. I already bought a new blank address book since half of the people I had in my life a year ago no longer are or ever will be.

I've been abandoned and shunned in so many ways through this ordeal, none of it of my doing. I feel like if I had had a part in this it would be "easier" to reconcile some of these emotions and lost friendships. It'd be the direct cause and effect of my actions, no need to deconstruct it all. But it is losing people when I did nothing, that is painful. More continuation of how I have and will pay for his actions in so many ways. Thanks for listening. Obviously in the feels tonight.

Fold, Reading your updates and totally understand your feelings this holiday season.

2023 was rough but you overcame the tough times with your strength and grace. You have a lot to be proud of ! Remind yourself that everyday.

Happy New Year Fold !

I agree with everything Abalone just wrote. You are a star!⭐️

Happy New Year, Fold! 🎉Please keep us informed on what I believe will be a much better year for you coming up.

Thanks, Abalone and BeachGirl. I hope you had terrific and relaxing holidays and are ready to usher in a new year filled with lots of good things ahead.

The holidays were OK, nice. My parents visited for several days and the kids had a great time. Loads of gifts, endless board games and movies, and all the Christmas treats. It was busy, juggling Christmas things, a full house, the kids, and my work, and busy kept me mostly from not focusing on the ache inside that my world had changed 180 degrees.

And the sadness turned to many other emotions, because, guess who never called his children on Christmas? He talked to them on 12/23, never checked in on Christmas Eve, and then on Christmas Day just texted me asking to send a few photos of them opening their gifts. I complied, thinking he'd ask to talk to them that afternoon or evening, but he never did. Or the next day, or the next day, or the next day, or the next day. He called today and they had a brief talk before he had to go (to do who knows what). I mean, WTF?!? Maybe he was trying to be respectful of the holidays and not impede on our family time, but I presumed he would at the least want to talk on the 26th to hear about their gifts and the fun things they did. But he didn't. For many days. I went back and forth from being upset to being ticked off to being hurt for them. And of course, no Christmas message or gifts from my former in-laws for the kids. Tell me again how badly you want a relationship with your grandkids, right? To ignore them at Christmas?

I am feeling conflicted about the new year. I want desperately to never look back at 2023, but I also had a lot of highs and good times before everything fell apart. I am leaving behind all of the bad that happened this year, but also all of the good of the life I used to have. And the future continues to be a scary, lonely destination. In the interim while the inevitable happens and another year arrives, I have written out a new address book, removing a huge number of people who are not in my life any more -- military friends who have gone silent, friends that were his first, his family members -- and deleted a couple dozen contacts from my phone. There is a lot I want and need to leave behind in 2023, bit it still hurts that I have to do it, and that I'm in this position at all.

I am sorry your STBXH chose to be MIA and not contact his children.

Just one more thing to add to your list of why 2023 was awful.

I dare say he continues to show you who he is and who he is not. He’s not the loving concerned parent he once was. 😢.

He is, however, a bigger jerk than you probably imagined.

I am so sorry for you. And your kids.

But then again, the fact his family didn’t contact you and he did not contact you or kids says a whole lot. None of it good.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:09 AM, Sunday, December 31st]