Surprised,
Your anger is justified, but I know exactly what you mean about hating the sensation of being controlled it. It can feel like you are in some kind of demonic possession, and you say and do things that you weren't even consciously thinking of saying or doing. I had it, and I dealt with it by recognising the signs when a storm was starting to brew, and then taking myself out of the situation. You did that with your ten-minute jog, which was a good thing to do.
You are a decent and loving guy, and you feel bad about what you said to your wife, at least in the terms that you said it. It speaks volumes about you that you can be plunged into the sh*tstorm you are going through and not lose sight of who you are, and what your values are. You are much more resilient than you realise. However, some anger does need to be let out. It's like lancing a boil. And talking bluntly to your wife, in a way that is so out of character, will put the message across to her how badly she hurt you. I think she knows that, and others have said, it is good that she was not defensive about your remarks and accepted that you have a right to feel aggrieved.
What you are going through is all part of the healing process, and while some it isn't pretty, it has to be worked through, bit by bit, so you can both move forwards. Individual counselling can help you manage the rage, and your wife accepts that you have a right to your anger, which is a good sign that she understands what she did in its proper context, without any self-justification.
There is sadly no magic wand to make the rage vanish, but you can learn how to manage it and vent it in a way that you are more comfortable with. In the meantime, cut yourself a bit of slack; you have been hurt very badly. If you dropped a paving slab on your foot, chances are you would say a few choice words that you would not think of uttering over Sunday dinner with the family. Well, you had a paving slab dropped on your heart and your life, so it's no wonder you respond to the pain with some more choice words. It doesn't make you a bad guy, it just means you're a human being who has been hurt.
I don't think you were wrong to apologise to your wife afterwards. To me, that just says that you have standards and you aren't comfortable with letting rip at someone using coarse language in the same way you wouldn't feel comfortable stealing from them, using expletives in front of kids, etc. Maintaining your standards is a part of your resilience, regardless of what anyone around you may have done. I understand why people might see the apology as a sign of co-dependency - how dare I say something offensive to my wife, I must apologise immediately - but you have kept yourself together remarkably well through all of this, and a big part of that resilience is not letting your goodness be destroyed by anything that anyone else has done. It would be very easy to slip into foul-mouthed bitterness after what has happened, but you aren't letting that happen to you, and I think that's a good thing. Never lose sight of who you are, and who you want to be.
As for the OM going rogue, he has a very limited set of options open to him. I don't know how much money he took, but how long will it last him if he has taken off? And if he has simply left his girlfriend, and is just in another apartment, and doing the same job, etc, it is a domestic dispute that his girlfriend has to resolve with him via the courts, nothing to do with you and your wife. However, you need to stay vigilant for any attempts he might make to contact you or your wife. You did the right thing by contacting the sheriff's office and making them aware of it, and you should let them know immediately if the guy does attempt any contact. He sounds like a walking disaster area, and he may wind up behind bars if he makes a habit of emptying joint bank accounts.
