SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Inappropriate comment.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:38 PM, March 20th (Thursday)]

I keep thinking, just because someone is sick, you don't throw them under the bus.

No, you don't throw them under the bus. You do, however, have to protect yourself from allowing *his/her* sickness to overtake and negatively impact your life, kwim?

That whole train of thought of not walking away from someone who is *sick* caused me to remain in my M for far too long because I was looking at that concept in the wrong way. Once I finally realized that my (now)stbx wasn't bothering to help *himself*, then I knew that I had to get the heck away from him for my own emotional well-being.

And stu, just a quick word about SI. Always remember that you take what you want and *leave* the rest. There are many people here, from many walks of life and many different circumstances. All of us have good days and bad....sometimes our responses are *spot-on* (quite often, actually ), but there are times when someone is having a shit day or in a shit mood or just <whatever>. Just shrug it off and carry on.

This really is the best place to talk to people who have been in situations similar to your own. This really is the type of stuff that no one can understand unless they've actually *been* there.

Have you spoken to your BF since the new revelations?

Stu, gently,

You know, SI is a sacred place to a lot of us. It gets us through some of the darkest points in our lives. Being able to come to this forum openly and honestly is extremely important. People are taking time out of their lives to try to act as a support to one another, be genuine, offer guidance.

From Phantom Limb. Believe it or not, sometimes someone who, for whatever reason, decides to take advantage of that pain and suffering. They will make up a story just to get reactions. There was a poster here who actually decided it would be *neat* to post as both the wayward and betrayed. It( I refuse to dignify the troll with a human identifier) actually put together a convincing enough story that members here actually began to fracture and pit one against another. Many hurt feelings were created and thus, many here are wary of stories that just seem

it was crazy fiction; who could live that lie?

Some of the posters are reacting to exactly that. That's also why you saw the reaction of the moderator.

Frankly, my life has not always been a bowl of cherries. At 16, I was going to school with twin girls. Their father owned a *Gentlemens Club*. He didn't care if I and about 6 of my buddies went in and played pool and drank. Really fine specimen of humanity in retrospect. Other things were available(all the drugs you mentioned and then some) But for the Grace of God, I didn't partake in those, but some of my friends did. I digress. The women who worked there. Well, they would reach a point where their *skills* burned out. They either completely went down the tubes, or tried to go straight. You know, find a guy, get married have kids and leave *the life* behind them. The problem with doing that? Well, the guys who were somewhat experienced in *worldly* ways, quickly smelled a rat. They would quickly bail. They would see through all the behaviors pointed out to you that you missed. The only solution? Target the innocent. Guys who haven't been around the block. I believe you said you were a virgin when you met? Prime material for her. She could *start again*. The issue with that is, dealing with everything she had done/been through requires intense therapy. Without it, old habits begin to recur. Abuse victims often will attempt to recreate the *bad situation* and hope for a better outcome.

Anyway, point is that there are people here who have gone out of their way to help. Others have a hard time believing for the reason quoted above. Personally, I will believe someone needs help and will respond to the best of my ability as will many others here. Again, we've got your back.

There's an axiom thrown around here all the time. *Take what you need, leave the rest*.

Whatever your choice is Stu, I wish you nothing but goodwill.

Sending strength to you to help you through these difficult times.

ETA clarity

[This message edited by 5454real at 9:01 AM, March 21st (Friday)]

You are not throwing them under the bus.

You are putting your oxygen mask on first.

Like they suggest on the plane- you can't help your kid if you are passed out from lack of oxygen because you didn't put on the mask first.

Stu,

I am not surprised your IC does not recommend using a site like SI. I recall my wife's commending my seeking sites with one while another said the same as yours. Yes, we all try to help, based upon our own experiences. Yes, we all see something in each others situations that can somehow relate to our own.

Another IC told my wife that just because she met my supposed to be friend for months, had sex, it wasn't necessarily an affair?? We are on her third now, you will find the one that is very helpful.

For your sake, I wish your story wasn't true, it is unbelievable to think of the extent you have been betrayed. If it is not, I still have benefited from some of the reflections upon my own situation.

Is Crazy wrong in calling this out, are you so gullible that you have been duped for 10 years? In my case for 32 years since the affair and I still do not know how long it lasted. For Crazy, he was duped for 2 1/2 years. The length of time is not important, the actions of our spouses and support we gain is. Yours situation is extreme, you seem really calm and perhaps it is this calm that adds to the skepticism.

Where I have a question, is although your wife probably has more truths to bring forward, she now seems to be telling some pretty scary stuff about herself and her marriage to you. Also in a rather calm fashion? I wonder of her motive at this point?

I believe your wife remains very connected to Adonis, and suspect her connection with him has grown over the years. She knew she was trying to get pregnant with him as she took precautions with you. There is really something very wrong about this side of the story.

I also believe that if your wife travelled and stayed over night, she probably has more to disclose.

Time to out Adonis, and your friend. As to the guys who came around for your wife (kids events), too much risk that the outing would come back to your kids.

I wish you added strength, I hope you protect yourself and your kids, if this is true it is going to get much worse.

About the IC versus SI:

There will be pros and cons to each side of the argument. But what you really have to ask yourself is: "Which method feels right?" Or: "Do both methods feel right?"

There have been great supporters who give excellent insight here on SI. Occasionally, there are comments that make someone feel uncomfortable, or may feel out of line. And to counter that, there are often stories of ICs who give terrible advice, and have no idea of how to deal with infidelity. Hence the "take what you want, and leave the rest" theory that is preached here.

I am all for professional counseling. I am also all for this site. They can be used as sounding boards for differing advice. But ultimately, you need to feel comfortable. You need to believe that you are taking the correct steps---not just being told something that makes you feel good(or bad). That often makes things difficult, because we want to *hear* some things so badly, that we make poor judgements due to those needs. This is where you need to be careful.

My advice?

Listen to both IC and SI. If you become disconnected with one or the other, then you should look at other potential options. I know that this place is great...it took me through my darkest times, and made me deal with that elephant in the room that I was trying so hard to ignore. I know by your past posts that you have received, and acted on, sound advice. I have also read advice on this thread that does not help your current situation. But in my opinion, it is easy to decipher help...and easy to decipher frustration/antagonism.

No matter what, I am sure that your IC will agree to some certain things preached here:

--You have to work on yourself. After all, that is what this is all about.

--You can't fix your wife. You can absolutely try to guide her to make the correct steps, but ultimately, it is up to her to do the hard work to change herself.

--The best chance for reconciliation is to try to keep the lines of communication open. Let her continue to talk. Let her know that while you want to attempt to save the marriage, there are no guarantees. But the best chance to do so, is to communicate.

--There is no chance to save this marriage without honesty. ZERO. The days of blissful ignorance are over. There are dozens of issues that need to be addressed, but if the trickling of truth continues, the marriage is virtually destined to fail.

If your IC is not in agreement with these issue, then we have a problem. These are common sense issues---and are the most important. If ANYONE tells you differently...and I don't care who it is...then they do not have your best interests in mind. But I am sure that you already know this.

Keep plugging away, Stu.

Honestly, what other options do you really have at this point? You can't run away from yourself.

Good luck, friend.

Maybe I've missed the comment, but are there any plans for DNA testing of the children? It would expose whether your wife deliberately tried to conceive with Adonis or not. Or your BF for that matter.

If your wife was really the town siren, I should imagine it would be very difficult to remain married to her. Her sexual excesses seem beyond forgiveness and so disrespectful to you.

Today was an eventful day. My wife had lunch this afternoon with my BF’s wife and told her all about the relationship she and he have had over the years. As it turns out he and my wife did know each other sexually in high school and even dated after she graduated. That’s the reason he went to that college. Their romantic friendship began when she was a senior and he was a sophomore; they both were on the schools swim team and connected one weekend when the swim team was away at a competition.

My wife said his wife did not take it well; she phoned my BF and told him she was filing for divorce and he was not welcome at her house.

My wife said she had an epiphany. (My reaction was, ya, right!) She realizes that she has F…ked up everything that was good in her life. She is glad I’m going to IC. She said she doesn’t know what the future will be, but hopes we both survive, together or individually. I don’t know where this has come from. Maybe she found out I spoke to lawyer, I didn’t tell her I was seeing one.

If this is one of her scams, I’ll wait to see what happens.

I asked her what else will be happening, she said she didn’t know. She has scheduled a meeting for me with her doctor. She said she would be there if I wanted, but she told the doctor he could discuss anything he wanted and signed a paper giving him permission.

I haven’t even begun to absorb what her actions with the diaphragm might have created. She used it when she was with me and not with the guys she slept with, especially this Adonis guy. She told me that to use the diaphragm it took planning and you could only keep it in for a short time. Since she didn’t know if she would be sleeping with someone she left it at home. By the way I really didn’t have any idea what a diaphragm was or that she was using one. I thought she was on the pill.

Here is more unbelievable deceit. Did she want to get pregnant with her Adonis, and / or the other fathers from our social group? Why did she do this? Wouldn’t she have wanted to have had a child that was from both of us, not from one of her lovers?

Right now I’m holding off on DNA testing of our children. I need more time to process all the events I’ve just learned; I’ll do it when I think the time is right.

All of her actions now are well and good, but look at what her conduct has done to me and our family! This jury will have to wait for more data. I won't hold my breath until I find out.

Stu,

Sorry for all of your pain. So,she finds out BF is going to be free, and suddenly she want to make sure you both survive whether together or individually. Sounds to me like she is hoping to trade you in for BF.

Keep you powder dry, I fear your journey has just begun.

Strength to you.

So your WW tells you that she realizes that she's fucked up everything good in her life and is glad that you're going to IC. Ok. I think her epiphany was more the result of seeing how BF's wife reacted as opposed to her knowing you've spoken to a L. It may just be that she had a small realization of how fortunate she is that you didn't hefty bag her shit.

She's given you permission to speak to her doctor. Which doctor....her medical doctor or her psych doctor?

Have you had any contact with your BF since these new revelations came to light?

Also, have you guys discussed the questions that you have regarding the paternity of your kids (or has she)?

I need more time to process all the events I’ve just learned; I’ll do it when I think the time is right.

Great answer.

I spoke to lawyer, I didn’t tell her I was seeing one.

Another good one.

Right now I’m holding off on DNA testing of our children.

Damn, three for three. It could become an issue though. Medical issues come to mind. Parental histories play a huge role in healthcare decisions. Second, in case of D, where does that leave you in terms of custody/visitation.

She said she would be there if I wanted, but she told the doctor he could discuss anything he wanted and signed a paper giving him permission.

Grand slam. However, not a primary concern. You know that I'm going to say work on you first, right?

Strength

There are some things that you cannot *unsee* once the light has been shone on them. And this paternity thing is one of them. I just don't think that you're going to be able to back-burner this issue.

You consider your children *yours* regardless of biology.........but now that the question has been raised, you are going to need the truth. How you handle whatever that *truth* is will be a work in progress, but you HAVE to deal with accurate information in order to make any type of informed decision.

A few things have occurred since my last post. I had another conversation with my wife about our children; she said again, that they are mine. She said that from her last period until conception, she only had sex with me (I hope so). She said she did not use the diaphragm with me at that time, she wanted to start a family (what’s the truth, it keeps changing).

My former BF called and wanted to talk with me. He started to say he was sorry, I hung up. I called his wife and we talked for a while, she was in extreme emotional stress. I told her about this site. I don’t think she was interested or really listening. She said she was going to stay with her mother or sister; I told her if she needed me just call. I don’t think she will. I’m upset about her; I know what I have been going through. How many lives and families are ruined because of her (their) actions. It’s not fair that people like my wife seem to get away with this crap. I was reading on the internet that wives who cheat and screw around in the state of NJ can petition the courts for alimony. They destroy the marriage and get compensated for it, it’s not fair.

(what’s the truth, it keeps changing)

That's why I suggested a written timeline. ONE chance.

I was reading on the internet that wives who cheat and screw around in the state of NJ can petition the courts for alimony.

Oh crap. Yep, they can. Forget what I said about determining custody. Do it now. Obviously, consult your atty yesterday. Hopefully, you won't be stuck(yes, I know they are *your* kids, but IMO, if she claims otherwise, rock, meet hard place.) if you are not the bio father. Determine paternity now. 2 entirely different ways the courts will approach this.

Strength

[This message edited by 5454real at 2:39 AM, March 22nd (Saturday)]

I was reading on the internet that wives who cheat and screw around in the state of NJ can petition the courts for alimony. They destroy the marriage and get compensated for it, it’s not fair.

Yup. From a fellow New Jersian, I can tell you that this state is No-Fault, so infidelity means very little. If you are willing to get down and dirty, you can contest her ability to parent her children, but otherwise, the courts look at what the status quo was for a duration leading up to filing. If you are the primary funder of this marriage, expect to continue to do so in divorce.

Yes, it sucks. But don't get too far ahead of yourself.

Like 5454 constantly states, work on you. Keep communicating. Keep gathering information, and verifying the contents. Hopefully, the picture will start to get clearer and clearer.

As for the paternity testing---if you aren't emotionally ready at the moment, so be it. But this issue will NOT go away...so please, work on gaining the strength to resolve this. If there is any positive, imagine how much of a relief it would be to you if they are biologically yours.

Remember:

---Stu first.

---Children second

---Wife/marriage third

Question:

What is the procedure for DNA testing? I don't want my children to learn about it. Do I go to their doctor, clinic or lab and ask them to do it? Can I do it? How long does it take? What are the chances of getting wrong results? I am SCARED to do this. I love my children. I'm not sure what my reaction might be if one or both aren't mine. With the emotional roller coaster I've been on I'm not sure of anything right now. I woke up this morning shaking from a dream and threw up. I was watching my wife servicing her men and I and my children were in a cell watching her in action; it was very real to me. If I can't let that go, how will I react to the answer about my children if they’re not mine? I know me, I hold onto things emotionally and let them fester and mushroom out of proportion. This then turns into anger and hate. I don't want to hate my children; they're innocent in all of this. As I write this I'm beginning to feel this rage brewing if they aren't mine. I just had an image of her and him laughing as they created my children's life. Please, positive help from someone who has gone through this.

Stu:

"I love my children. I'm not sure what my reaction might be if one or both aren't mine."

Paternity tests-- even if they negate the possibility of your biological tie-- do NOT change the fact that YOU ARE THEIR FATHER.

You raised them. Provided for them. Changed their diapers. Helped teach them language and love and everything they know of this world.

They are, as you note, innocents-- no matter what. And your value to them, your singular importance to their very sense of meaning, is paramount. Nothing can change that- nothing!

If one or both has another biological father, he is even more of a dirtbag than before-- and they are only too fortunate to have been raised by a better man. Consider them adopted, but no less worthy of your love.

Turn your anger towards its deserved targets- if you are not the biological father of one or both. You know who they are-- and what they are-- and they, not your children, are the guilty parties in this nightmarish affair.

Hosea, as I dwell on this cataclysmic decision of DNA testing I can feel the volcanic rage boiling in my gut about being forced into finding out if "MY" children are mine biologically. I heard your kind words, BUT, if I had adopted my children it would have been my loving choice and they would be mine forever. If my children aren't mine, but someone else’s, that loving moment of creation was TAKEN from me. As I think about the possibilities, I'm literally shaking; like a cold chill. I'm thinking that every time I look at them, hold them, touch them, and kiss them it would be a reminder of that man my wife allowed to make love to her, not me. It wouldn't be a mental picture that I'm re-playing 24/7 that might diminish with the passing of time, but a real concrete statement of what occurred between her and her lover. My children's smile and laugh wouldn't be a reflection of mine, but him. My grandchildren wouldn't be mine, but his. All that would be his, whoever that man might be; for posterity, not mine. This is far worse than my finding out that my wife might have screwed a thousand men while telling me she loved me. I can leave her, if it came to that; I can't leave my children.

Your wife stated that the kids are yours. Tell her you will divorce if the DNA shows otherwise and note her reaction. Fear? Concern? Nervousness? Any of those reactions will help you in assessing whether she is lying about her statement that you are definitely the father.

You really can't move ahead until you know; it will eat at you during any attempted reconciliation. If the children are yours I can see you mending this marriage. If not it would be most difficult.

The wholesale adultery and lack of respect for you is profound. If the kids have been fathered by Adonis, or the BF, or one of her other casual lovers, is should be the last straw for your relationship.

You can order a test kit online, gently scrape a sample of epithelial cells from inside of the mouth, then send them off. Or take just a saliva sample depending on the vendor..

Reasonable cost.