SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Stu, you are one strong dude. And, you certainly have clarity. You need not wonder about any kind of 'why' or 'how could she'. You got the answer. Your wife is severely screwed up. Time to get you on the way to healing and on your feet!

After reading a few of the posts about my children, I went back and did some calculations. My children are 8 and 10. That means she conceived around the time we were married, she had slept with the Adonis guy at that time. Since we were intimate before we were married I felt she conceived before the marriage. Our first child I was told was a preemie, born after 8 months, but 7 lbs. is a big preemie. It might be his. This child has green eyes and blond hair, just like him. No one in my family has blond hair or green eyes; we’re all brown eyes and black/brown hair. I went on the internet and found pictures of his family at an awards presentation my child looks like him and his children.

My other child is 8 and was conceived around the time my wife was screwing my alleged BF, it is possible that child could be his. I went through old pictures I have of him as a child and teenager, there are similarities.

Stu,

As I finished in my last post, you don't know the whole story..... and there is more to come! Your wife appears to be telling the truth, but as extreme a set of tales as you have been told, you now know her to lie. she has for over 10 years.

I am so sorry about everything that is being uncovered in what you believed was your marriage. I am not surprised about her situation with the 'Adonis', her reference name alone tells you her feelings towards him.

The common thread is that she cannot say no to any dude who approaches her. The doctor, fathers of friends of your kids, a drug dealer in Puerto Rico, your BF (after your marriage). The list goes on, you can be certain there is more.

She may blame the drugs, but she probably wasn't stoned when she went to the hospital, or your kids events. She made many clear decisions to perform sexually outside the marriage.

You now know that your wife has disrespected you from the day you proposed and she has never shown remorse for over 10 years. Likely the same during your dating phase too.

Your wife has definitely uncovered some legal issues concerning this Adonis character if he really is a medical practitioner. He has abused the premises of the hospital by having sex with a patient, he has provided your wife with drugs illegally. He has totally dishonored his profession his marriage and you. I would take this opportunity to wipe the smug smile off his face. Seek legal action against him, report him to the medical profession, his wife and seek a paternity test from him.

You will need a sworn statement from your wife. Not likely considering her relationship with him is almost as long as with you. Plus she has probably always suspected he fathered the first child.

What you do with your supposed BF is your call. He has used you and your wife. I would inform his wife of what you know. Your wife may not be telling the truth that his wife knows at all.

It is time to protect yourself, seek legal advise and prepare for the worst. Talk to your family, seek their input as well as the IC.

Take care of yourself.

You said it yourself people on here who thought there was a lot more to the story turned out they were right, it's not to make it worse for you buddy just because we know your pain. And some of them actually have the same story. Couldn't believe what people were telling them could be true. Just like someone just posted I bet you there's a lot more to the story. So now that you know you can trust the people on here. Please take their advice seriously.

Someone just posted the (Adonis) Dr. Shit for brains needs to be held accountable for he as he hospital physician was your wife was a patient. First of all you need to bring charges against him. Having sex with her on hospital grounds given her drugs that's fucked up and I'm sure your wife not the only woman he's abused and definitely his wife needs to know ASAP.

Well I guess you found out BF isn't really a friend after all he's a real piece of shit. Would love to hear what he's got to say. I wouldn't even bother giving him the time of day.

After reading this – it brought me to tears. Saying to myself how fucking cruel people can be to each other unbelievable the people that are supposed to love you.

I am sorry, friend. The betrayals keep coming and coming.

As for your children---I think that it is important to investigate for medical reasons only. Nothing changes between you and them. But the last thing you want to find out, is that they need medical assistance from you...only to find out that you are not compatible. If this could be done without the children knowing(I know...deception), you may keep from disrupting their lives.

If your WW never stopped using pot, then rehab wasn't really successful. She may not be using harder drugs, but with all her lies, I would doubt that she has stayed clean of these. If she was willing to be physical with your childrens' friends' fathers for drugs---then what isn't she willing to do?

It's just a whole new layer to the treachery. Now, those fuckers will have to be dealt with....in time. Like 5454 stated, right now, it is all about Stu.

You are doing great so far. Don't let anyone...particularly yourself...convince you otherwise. I hope your IC goes well. Lean on him and SI as much as you need. Remember, the deeper you fall down the hole, the closer you get to the bottom...so you can start your ascent. Good Luck.

Spoke with wife this morning about the children and conception. After some unbelievable explanations about her time with Adonis that had as many holes as Swiss cheese, she gave me the truth (maybe, it keeps changing). She and Adonis were involved sexually until October or November, not the end of August. She may have conceived any time between Augusts through September, maybe October; I’m not sure. She said she was using a birth control diaphragm when we had sex back then, but not with Adonis; she said using it required preplanning. She didn’t know when or if she would be having sex with him, so she would leave it at home. The way she spoke, it seemed that they were involved a lot. How she was describing her time with him, it sounded like a daily occurrence; I know that wasn’t possible, but it did sound that way.

Whenever I was at work they would get together, it was easy then, I had two jobs. He left for school the second week of September with his wife; she was employed at the school he was attending. September through October she would drive to his school so they could hook up. Her job at the time required her to drive to clients and sometimes she would be away for a few days at a time. I had traveled with her on some of these assignments, so I didn’t think anything was out of the ordinary. When the bills for motels came, they were business related, I was clueless.

I always surmised she got pregnant in August or September. It had to be his, she used a diaphragm with me. Unless she was sleeping with some other guy also? We didn’t have time to get into the story about my second child; I had to leave for my IC meeting.

Stu,

Look, I'm sorry I brought up the paternity. That could have been dealt with later. I only used it as an example of her continued/continuing lying. Is it/will it be an issue? Probably. There are some gentlemen here who have dealt with that issue successfully and continue as their childrens Father. The kids are blissfully unaware or have dealt with the issue successfully.

However, that really needs to be *set aside* for the time being. Don't lose focus. Focus on you and only you. Obviously part of that is being the best Dad you can, it's part of who you are. Genetic testing may never be an issue. I reiterate my plea for you to implement the 180 and put the focus where it needs to be. There are decisions that you will be making *down the road* that are best made with a clear head. I remember your *I love my wife and would do anything to save my M comments*.

Good luck in IC today.

[This message edited by 5454real at 9:09 AM, March 20th (Thursday)]

You know, I really hate to do this - but are you kidding me?

I'm reading through this and it suddenly dawns on me that this is ridiculous.

Your best friend allows you to get married to (and continues to have sex with) a woman who is a known, heavy drug user and who, by the way, also has 3 kids? Really?? No concerns about HIV, Hep C, etc.?

A woman with this type of history goes through years of marriage and you never notice anything odd about her behavior - 'cause people with THAT much history aren't totally screwed up, right? All those years and you never said, "Hey, honey? What are all these burns and scars from?"

You never notice in 8 years that your kid has completely different hair/eye color than any other person in your family? Really?

And then - the kicker! Your wife had a preemie at 8 months.... THAT WEIGHED 7 POUNDS???? You do realize that could be a world record, right? Considering that, at 32 weeks or so, the average birth weight is 3.5 - 4 pounds. That's one big f'n preemie!!

Sorry, but I don't buy it.

'cause people with THAT much history aren't totally screwed up, right?

People with THAT much history also have an amazing ability to compartmentalize and *explain away* any oddities that may come up or be noticed.

A trusting spouse is going to see what s/he wants to see and believe what s/he wants to believe to be true.

Sincerely,

*a person who was also subjected to a long con and had no clue*

LifeisCrazy,

You are absolutely right, I never questioned. On the surface we had a great marriage. My wife was affectionate and loving to me; she made me feel that I was the most important person in her life, besides my children. Our sex life was fantastic, 2 or 3 times a week, maybe twice on a weekend, what guy wouldn’t be happy (of course she had years of practice). She knew how to make me not question anything, there was this orra that made me trust her implicitly. We rarely argued and had a stereo typical “Robert Young , Family Knows Best, Ozie and Harriet” 1950’s perfect marriage (these are 1950’s TV shows I’ve seen on DVD). I loved her and never questioned her; she was the love of my life. What I can believe is that she was good at covering up what she didn’t want to get out. I’d say she was a professional lier, she was good at it. We did discuss the blond hair and eye color. She said in must be a recessive gene that we both had from our family that produced our child. We looked it up and yes it is possible if both parents carry that recessive gene. I had no reason to question my child was mine. I stated the info about the premature birth because it seemed odd that a premature baby would be that large. The nurse I spoke with said that based on her conception date, it was possible to have a premature birth that was close to term, and the child was healthy. Regarding my BF, he wasn’t. He deceived me in every way, he is no friend; he cheated on his wife. He was only interested in himself. I didn’t find out about my wife’s other life until a short time ago. As this whole thing has been evolving more details have surfaced that I did not know about. My wife was good at what

My comment got cut off.

My wife was good at what she did, lie. According to her she screwed around the first five years of our marriage with some of the fathers of our children's friends. I realize now why a number of dads were eager to hang around our house. It wasn't to hang with me and watch sports events. The only sport they were interested in was fun time with my wife.

I never knew that she used a birth control diaphragm; I didn't even know what it was until I looked it up. It makes sense now, most the guys she had sex with had pregnant wives; not all but most.

She described his body in detail and there were a few Polaroid type pictures (17) of him and her in bed (graphic) naked. Her entries described their activities over the weekend, sexual and non-sexual. HE EVEN LEFT ENTRIES in her diary about his time with her. He described in graphic detail language the physical activates he did to her and what she did with him. I’ve been married to her for just over ten years and we haven’t done those things; and she only knew him for a day or two. He wrote that I must be an “…hole.” He wrote that he heard me ask her to marry me and laughed, then had an orgasm; I said earlier they were in the act. He closed his paragraph with, “I’ve left you well lubricated for your boyfriend and if you need a refill just call me. You have my name and number.”

Seriously, dude. I was going to just let it go but if the moderators can't step in then maybe at least I can stop the madness.

Really? Polaroid-type photos? When was this... 1978? When was the last time someone took a "polaroid type photo?" Ten years ago is 2004. You do realize that there were cell phones way back then, right?

And this dude wrote THAT in a diary?? And she kept it, huh? For what, posterity?? Are you freakin' kidding me?

And, oh boy, nothing gets me off faster than hearing another man ask the girl I'm actively having sex with to marry him. Gotcha.

I think you're reading a few too many harlequin romance novels. Do you have any idea who Fabio Lanzoni is??

[Quote]I never knew that she used a birth control diaphragm; I didn't even know what it was until I looked it up.[/Quote]

Hmmm. You never wondered why your wife wasn't still getting pregnant with you? You never wondered why she had to go into the bathroom for a minute before she came to bed???

It makes sense now, most the guys she had sex with had pregnant wives; not all but most.

Well, of COURSE that makes sense.

Moderators, please.... hasn't this gone on long enough???

Stu:

Man, I'd been rooting for your reconciliation, when I thought, as you did, your wife's transgressions were limited to the earliest days of your engagement.

In seeing the latest updates, I can now only long, sadly, for your release from this cruel train wreck of a wife. She never deserved you, Stu, but once she had you, she should've valued you above every man on earth- because you represented a chance for a clean slate. If ever a woman needed that, it sounds like she did.

But she never really saw your true worth, and took it for granted. Reconciliation, at this point, seems all but doomed by your wife's shocking discounting of your worth.

I hope, in therapy and through the encouragements of others here, you're starting to truly see it and believe it. Because you deserve a wife worthy of you, Stu. And they're out there, wondering where all the great men are.

I hope, one day, you find one, Stu. And that your wife discovers, eventually, just what a priceless gift you were to her. She may not fully get it until she confronts the devastation of losing the best thing she ever had.

LifeisCrazy...

No one is asking you to buy his story, so instead of creating doubt in other members mind and at the same time making this member feel completely unwelcomed, we suggest you stay off the thread.

And for the record, just because *you* don't believe this could really have happened doesn't make it any less real.

I agree with Deeply Scared, the man is seeking/asking for advice and encouragement not want to be buried more into the situation that he is in.

He's trying to grasp all that he can here! Secrets are coming out and he's having trouble on what he needs to do next. Let's all help him! Remember HE didn't do the betrayal she did and we're he to help. Not ridicule him.

Stu, I'm hoping your IC is helping you cope with all the information that you learned and helps you on what YOU decide is best for your family.

Stu, stay strong in the face of adversity. Your decision needs to be just that, YOURS.

Still got your back.

Well, I'm stupified.

The OP, it seems to me, has only one choice. Divorce NOW. He has no wife, the kids aren't his, his "best friend" isn't.

I think he deserves a start-over. But before he does that he has to out his best friend to the guy's wife (after having sex with her, of course). And then he has to notify state authorities about Dr. Adonis and his ethics. Then he needs a divorce followed by a new career. I wonder if he has ever considered writing a novel? Or he could reconcile with his wife and they together could write a marriage manual.

[This message edited by sidney2718 at 8:56 PM, March 20th (Thursday)]

I went to IC today, nice person to talk with. We covered a lot of general info; why am I here, expectations, length of time for services, cost of service, etc. I gave him a copy of postings from the sight, he skimmed it; interested in my comments. Suggested I not vent at a sight like this, spent few minutes explaining why he felt that way. We talked about my feelings and thoughts, expectations, the children. Yes the children, whether they are mine genetically versus emotionally. Before I knew it time was up. I will see him next week, left feeling positive. After reading LifeisCrazy comments I understand my IC’s opinion about not coming to these public places. Why do some of the individuals her strike venom and want to rip my guts out? I will be re-thinking my position about posting comments on any site. I’ve written from an emotional state, not a rational one, may be that is coloring my intent. I have tried to understand the anger coming from LifeisCrazy and others. I went back and re-read every post. Frankly, if I was not involved I’d think it was crazy fiction; who could live that lie? But it turns out to be my life right now.

I’ve projected (written) my thoughts as they come to me and used words which I thought would convey my gut emotions. But a number of individuals read what I wrote and came away with an interpretation I did not think I suggested or implied. Or they don’t fully read what I wrote, but add their own interpretation to what they think I wrote. I feel their anger and try to understand why they feel as they do.

The questions posed by LifeisCrazy have already been discussed in previous posts explaining the how and why of the diary and pictures.

I always thought she was on the pill; I had no reason to believe otherwise. When we talked about children she said she would be ready to conceive. Yes, I did not have any knowledge of the diaphragm, what it was or did. I am dumb founded that she used a birth control diaphragm with me and not with others.

LifeisCrazy you are projecting your life experiences towards me. My wife when I was dating her did have an instant picture camera in her apartment and film was still available at the local store. I had a Polaroid camera that I used in my work for instant documentation along with digital equipment. My comment about Polaroid type photos was meant as a generic descriptive one, everyone knows what a Polaroid picture is, and the pictures were small square photos that looked like an instant picture.

Regarding the families we were friendly with, we all were starting families and most of the women were pregnant. My comment was just an exasperated one dealing with info I had just learned. Just about every child’s friend’s mother was pregnant back then.

I’m not responding to create an argument. I appreciate your input it does help me keep my perspective on things and realize how absurd my life has become. Thank you.

Hosea, I hear what you are saying along with the others. I keep thinking, just because someone is sick, you don't throw them under the bus. L know this is crazy, I still LOVE my wife. For ten years she was a great wife; loving her was exciting. She has been two different woman and her dark side (Star Wars metaphor) is the problem. If I can except that she can be cured of what ever is troubling her I might be able to stay, I'm not sure. But with IC counseling I might discover that I've lived with my head up my ass, then I'll take other action.

Stu- 5454 says what the vast (and by vast I mean so much most it is almost all) majority has your back.

I am not sure I agree with your IC about posting here. The more you can let it out in any sympathetic forum, the better- an IC, a friend, a group, a website with over 40000 people who have suffered what you are suffering.

The added bonus is that here there is real empathy in the support and advice.

Stay strong. BUT- protect you. You need to focus on you so you can be there for the littles (dna yours or not).