SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m new to this idea of discussing personnel info in public. Thank you in advance for your suggestions.

I have been married for over ten years and just found out that my wife when she was my girlfriend spent a weekend with a guy. That weekend happened to be the weekend I asked her to marry me.

At that time we were living together for many months, or at least I seemed to be spending almost every night at her apartment. I believed we had a committed relationship and I had thought about asking her to marry me; but was nervous about asking. Our being together seemed to be working (for me).

I had to be out of town on that particular weekend and my wife/girlfriend told me when I was leaving that she didn’t know where our relationship was headed and she had a date that weekend with a guy she had just met; she met him Thursday and the date was for Saturday.

My reaction was anger, and I said, “YOU CANT BE SERIOUS?” She was very calm and said after all the months we have been seeing each other she wasn’t happy with our arrangement. We needed to talk when I got back from my trip. She said she felt as if our relationship wasn’t going anywhere, and that we were always arguing. I thought she wanted marriage and this was a way to manipulate me. We argued even more before I left.

I was a virgin when I started dating her and she wasn’t. I didn’t think that her past experiences were important, but I realize now that there was an emotional element that was affecting me. I would ask her about her past, she was reluctant to discuss it, but I pushed for info. I thought I wanted info to know what to do to please her?

In the last months before my trip the tension between us was intense according to her. She has told me years later that she believed our relationship was ending and she was ready to move on; I didn’t feel the same.

She has been the only women I have ever loved. I slept with her on our first date; it wasn’t something I planned for; it just happened. We spent the entire day and evening together and I felt a connection with her that I never felt with anyone else. Sex was great but as I got to know her the sex became secondary to the emotional attachment I was developing for her.

Knowing she had a date was driving me insane with anger. She had slept with me on our first date and I knew she had slept with her other boyfriends on their first date; the horror was there, she would sleep with this new guy.

I knew she had the date set with this guy for Saturday evening. I decided to call her Saturday morning to ask her to marry me. Thinking she would say yes and the date would never happen. Who in their right mind asks women to marry them over the phone; I was scared of losing her.

When I called her she seemed distant and unresponsive to the emotional events of my phone call. She told me she couldn’t talk at that moment and she would call me later in the day. She did, said yes and we were married six months later.

When I got back from my trip late Saturday evening, we celebrated and were romantic. At that time I disregarded my gut feelings that she seemed different, emotionally and physically when I touched her and she touched me. I just chalked it up to the excitement of getting married.

I never told her I was a virgin when we met; I led her to believe I had had some sexual relationships. My ego was involved. After we were married I would continue on occasions to ask her about her past relationships. I thought I was asking to get info about what she liked sexually. I just wanted the info, I was curious.

As the years past, and I would ask about her past boyfriends, I would find out little details she had never mentioned before about her past experiences. Then, one day I asked her about that guy she had met years before relating to the weekend I asked her to marry me. She said she didn’t remember much and didn’t want to talk about it. It wasn’t important she said, after ten years why bring it up. Of course I pushed for info and it led to an argument and her telling me every little detail of what occurred between them.

He called her Friday night and asked if he could see her, she said yes and he slept over. When I called Saturday morning the two were in bed and involved physically with each other. Her lover picked up the phone and gave it to her to answer. That’s why she was cool and indifferent. She said she never expected to her from me, or hear me ask her about marriage and she had believed our relationship was ending or over.

It’s my fault, I pushed for this information. Now that I know the details I’m an emotional wreck. It all happened ten years ago, but to me it feels like yesterday. Honestly if I had known ten years ago I would have walked. The thought of STD’s and the other things she told me they did have created mental imagery that would make the porn industry blush; one thing , she never liked her guys to use condoms. The thought that we were intimate hours after he had left; I’m crazy with angry rage. Whenever I see a movie, TV show or any literature related to cheating it rekindles my anger. Sometimes when we are being intimate and I’m holding her all I do is think of him on her, and I have to get away from her.

I love my wife and I believe she cares for me. We have had our ups and downs, but our marriage seems to be a good one, I think. We have children; she is a great mother and wife. So why does something that happened 10 years ago anger me? Ten years ago my gut feeling had been right. Every time I think about her intimately involved with this guy it hurts; all I imagine are the mental pictures of what she told me they did together.

She has told me she has nothing to be sorry about, she thought our relationship was over. When I want to talk to her about it, she says let it go, it was ten years ago. But I want to know why she felt she needed to hop into bed with another guy. WE could have talked or argued. She could have said our time together was over, and then moved on, why she felt it necessary to hop into bed with this guy who she has said was an Adonis, I don’t understand. She described him in very graphic detail as well as what they did.

She and I disagree about our relationship at that time. She says we also weren’t living together, that I slept over some evenings and I had my own apartment. Yes I did, but I was hardly ever there, my brother was living in my apartment with his girlfriend all most all of the time. I believe this has been one of our serious issues, that we see things differently.

How do I deal with this?

You are understandably in emotional turmoil over this revelation. You are in the "trauma" stage. Is there a therapist or counselor that you could see? I think that you need to come to understand your feelings about this and identify what you want as an outcome. Then you can go to her with more specific requests.

I'm sorry. It's going to hurt and the only way you deal with it is....feeling it. Don't make any rash decisions yet. Let the feelings come (anger, sorrow, numbness), and if you can, turn to her to help you through them. Seeing a counselor or perhaps a pastor if you are religious is a great idea.

There is also a thread down in the 'I Can Relate' forum for people who find out years later where you might find some support.

As a man, I tend to agree with your wife. It seems she had no idea you were going to propose, and felt like your relationship was in the pits. So she had a one night fling with an ex-boyfriend, what is wrong with that?

BUT TAKE COMFORT IN THE FACT THAT SHE CHOSE YOU OVER LOVER-BOY!!!!!!! When you asked her to marry you, she said YES!! What more validation than that do you need my man?

Has she been continuously faithful to you since that time? If yes, then you need to move on and start thinking about more pleasant thoughts.

.....................Kali

First of all, I'm very sorry you find yourself here. It's the best place to be under the circumstances, but no one should be placed in those circumstances.

Finding out about an infidelity years after the fact is difficult. Not only do you have the infidelity to contend with, but also (a) the fact that you've been lied to, daily, for the intervening time, and (b) the fact that, to the WS, this is OLD NEWS. She's processed it, and very likely will soon expect you to "just get OVER it."

Only it doesn't work that way. She's had a decade to make it all right in her mind. You have not. You will go through the WHOLE lengthy process now---and also have to make peace, somehow, with the notion that your wife was okay holding that lie, that enormous barrier to real emotional intimacy, between you for so long.

It's very, very difficult. Your wife doesn't sound like she's quite ready to own her actions fully. (It doesn't matter, even a little whether you were living together. You were in a relationship, and attempts to Ross and Rachel the situation really is not going to help you "get over it.") Hopefully she will reach a place of full personal responsibility and, with it, remorse before it's too late.

Sadly, those who are able to harbor lies for so very long often are NOT able to do the work required of a healthy and emotionally intimate relationship. At very least, I'd expect my WS to be doing some serious work to find out why this was okay with her. (Of course, this is something that has to come from HER. You can make IC non-negotiable, but if she's not really going to do the work, it's an exercise in futility. So what I'd really be looking for is a wife who desperately wants to find out what, inside of her, made this OKAY---and wants to gather the emotional tools necessary to ensure that she never, ever is as careless with another heart, or her own, again.)

(ETA: Please note that not all of the responses you receive will be thoughtful and backed by experience. The vast majority of posters respond carefully and thoughtfully, but not all do. I'm not naming names, but if a response seems to stand out from the others as being out of place, please don't allow it to bother you.)

[This message edited by solus sto at 7:14 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)]

So very sorry for the revelation of this affair so very long ago. I don't think that the 10 year span makes it any better or easier to hear. I agree with the response that she did choose you over the one night stand.

I asked for all of the details too of my husbands affair and now I regret it. I just have the details playing in my head like a bad movie that I can't turn off.

It's hard now, but you need to work on forgiving her. I just pray " as an act of my will, I choose to forgive....." It's hard at first and my heart is still not in it, but I know that unforgivness is only going to hurt me. When I pray that prayer, the bad movie stops. I have to do it several times a day. I hope that one day I will really feel the forgiveness and that the details become less and less haunting for me.

Has she been faithful during your 10 years of marriage? If so, take hold of that truth and remind yourself that she loves you!

Take care of yourself and try not to push her away during this time.

It’s funny that all her past sexual experiences don’t matter and have never been an issue with me. I only think of them within the context of information about how to please a woman. I don’t dwell on it, fantasize about it or even really think about it. They all occurred before I knew her. When I would ask her about her past boyfriends and her sexual experiences with them, it’s as if I’m talking about a stranger. It is just information I might have read in a novel or magazine. The only one that hurts is the one that happened when I was dating her. Why can’t I let that go? As she said, it happened in another life time, it was so long ago. But the imagery and visions are as clear today to me, as they were the days they occurred. I despise what happened, his hands, body parts and fluids all over her. I realize it can’t be undone. I know that my ego is involved as well as my identity as a man; she was my women, not to be shared with someone else; this is hell.

Stu: what you are experiencing is actually quite natural.

There are primal urges within men to stake claim to your woman. This urge is incredibly strong and sometimes irrational, as you rightly point out. This feeling that 'your woman' was taken by someone else brings out the fears, emotions and traits that were bred into us long ago during the Neolithic era. These traits help us to survive and propogate our genes further.

Go to your wife. Tell her you are hurting and need her support. Ask for a hug. Keep talking about this fling and DEFINITELY DONT SWEEP UNDER THE RUG. Go see a counsellor together. Eventually the feelings will die down, I promise.

She has no remorse and considers that what she did was OK since she felt that she wasn't committed to you at the time. In that case she should not have agreed to marry you when you phoned. She had great sex with this other guy, didn't have strong feelings for you and yet she said yes when you proposed? Then knowing she had the other guy's fluids inside of her had sex with you too? Tacky.

The other thing that is bothersome is her sadism. She tells you all of the porn star stuff she does with her Adonis which she knows hurts you. Was that necessary? Almost as if she is asserting her independence; that she was free to give her body to whoever she pleases until she committed to you, which was after the sex with Adonis unfortunately.

Get the feeling that you are a lot more emotionally committed to your wife than she is to you. You need to evaluate your relationship and analyze whether it is appropriately 'balanced'; then adjust your attitude accordingly. Start by not discussing this betrayal with your wife anymore; its counter-productive and you won't get your wife to see things differently. You will just come across as insecure and lacking in confidence, which will weaken your relationship.

Stu,

I believe that this is a communication issue with your wife, more than it is anything else. I am not trying to minimize your pain in the least---but this seems to be more of a betrayal by deceit, than an act of infidelity.

Gently here, friend:

Honestly if I had known ten years ago I would have walked.

I think that you really need to evaluate, and re-evaluate this statement. You KNEW that she was going to sleep with this guy. And your response was to "beat him to the punch" by asking her to marry you. Is that any way to start the beginning of a lifetime relationship? Did you assume that once she said "yes", all of her poor behavior would just disappear? Or was your insecurity overtaking your rational thought process?

I am not saying this to be a jerk. What I am saying is that your engagement started on a terrible foundation. Your wife is wrong, wrong, WRONG--in thinking that she did nothing wrong. Almost narcissistic in her behavior. But if you do have a 10 year marriage that you believe is decent except for her deceit, then I believe that the two of you should work on it. Again, communication is key. If you realize that she doesn't have, and may never had contained, the empathy that you feel you need, then you may look deep to see if you want to stay where you are.

You could have put your wife on the spot by asking some simple questions:

1] In this country, young women who accept marriage proposals are deeply in love with their prospective husbands. Whats the point in getting married if you're not.

2] Presumably your then fiancee was deeply in love with you just before you asked to marry her.

3] If she was, how come she had sex with this Adonis guy? If you strongly love someone, it certainly puts the brakes on having/wanting unprotected sex with other men. She's supposed to be hankering and lusting after you. Just you.

4[ If she is capable of deeply loving you, but also having mind blowing sex with other guys how can you ever trust her? Has she done this during her marriage?

Maybe you have some serious problems in this relationship.

In response to a previous post he was not an ex-boyfriend. He was a guy she had just met a day or two before I was leaving for an out of town trip; there was premeditation on her part. She had said he was the kind of male women desire, she said he was an Adonis. So when he asked for her phone number, she gave it to him; she could have refused. That info certainly added to my trauma. I still, even after more conversations with her can’t fathom why she did what she did. If she loathed me that much, why didn’t she just break up with me? I would have been emotionally hurt, but we both would have moved on to someone else. When I asked her how she would have felt if it was me who had that weekend affair, she said she would have left me. So where am I? I have been married just over ten years; have children, house and a wife I love and hate at the same time. I don’t want this marriage to end and I don’t think she does either. When I mentioned counseling, she said that if she went, the marriage would problem be over. Why did she say that?

I am also confused by he statement about counseling ending the M. If anything it should strengthen you as a couple.

I think you'd be within your rights to say you expect the two of you to go as part of your healing and to process what happened and improve the M.

To me this discovery in and of itself should not torpedo your M, however it should be spoken about and addressed and MC should probably be part of that.

Maybe she's afraid of starting to be honest. However honesty should be the glue between you and if it's not THAT is an even bigger problem than the ONS.

Hi Stu23. I'm very sorry you are here. I can feel the pain in your words. I say this to you as gently as possible and I don't want to plant any seeds. But, stepping back reading your three posts this is what I hear:

Your wife shows no remorse for what she did that weekend. It sounds like to her it's no big deal.

Your wife shows no empathy for you. Get over it Stu. It was another life time ago.

She says she won't go to MC with you. Why?

Strike 3. I don't want to plant a seed if there is truly nothing there, but my gut is telling me differently. She at the very minimum should have empathy and apologize for what she has done. I would be down on my hands and knees with my wife begging to hold her...because I love her and don't want her to suffer. Anything to help her with her pain. I don't see any of that. In fact, when you reach out to her I see her flinch. What is she hiding? Is there something else there? Doesn't have to be another affair that she had, could be a problem that she has with the marriage. Again, I can't stress enough that it could be nothing but my gut says otherwise. I see a big red flag. At the minimum she is not willing to help you get over it. WHY? What other issue does she have?

Wishing you strength and courage to get through this Stu.

ETA - Why tell you about that weekend 10 years ago now? What is she trying to accomplish? I she truly trying to clear her conscience...but there would be some sort of remorse with that. Or is there another reason for telling you?

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 1:13 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)]

I suppose one thing comes out of this quite clearly - you are more emotionally invested in this marriage than she is. It was this way right from the start, where she screwed a hot stranger she fancied in spite of you begging her not to. She doesn't seem to respect or value you too highly and the message is that you are a guy she settled for; not too happy about her choice; could have done better, but you will suffice as the father to her children and overall companion. From your posts, you can't even state that she loves you with any degree of confidence.

our marriage seems to be a good one, I think

I would be concerned about her willingness to hurt you when discussing her salacious cheating and then have the nerve to tell you she would have left if you had done the same. There is a marked lack of respect for you as a partner and I would be vigilant with regard to any future male friendships she may initiate.

When you take into account her contempt for counseling, her overall attitude is not very conducive to a secure relationship.

I don’t know if my lament will be read by anyone else at this point. I find writing down thoughts as they jump into my consciousness to be helpful in my confronting the agony of my wife’s sexual weekend with her lover. Having read the suggestions and thoughts of all, I am thankful that there are strangers who care; it helps to keep me sane and rational in this time of stress.

How could the women I love, and have been intimate with, have jumped into bed with a stranger and had unprotected sex? Every person he had sex with, she had sex with; then so did I! I know she was on the pill, but…? As I had mentioned we had sex when I returned home that evening and her lover had left her only a short few hours before. There was fresh semen swimming around when I got there. Please excuse the graphic detail, I need to state it, shout it out loud, this isn’t a locker room joke, it hurts emotionally. I know this is ten years later, but it is as fresh as that sperm was. I hate her, I love her, I WANT TO SAY I’M SORRY IT HAPPENED, but I didn’t do anything to deserve this. Why do men or women do these things to the people they supposedly care about? If she thought our relationship was over, ok, tell me. But don’t sleep with your Adonis and then except my proposal of marriage a few hours later.

I found my wife’s pre marriage diaries in a box in the basement; I don’t think she even know we still have them. She and I got rid of all that old stuff years ago; at least I thought we did? It was under her parent’s possessions we got after they passed away. This box was probly mixed with her parents stuff, it wasn’t marked.

I did something I never thought I would do. But I felt forced emotionally, I had to read her diary. I should have burned it. I found out that she was sleeping with her previous boyfriend when we started to date. She had told me they had broken up, but they were sleeping together the first 2 or 3 months after I started seeing her.

There were more details about her weekend with her Adonis she never told me, maybe to spare me more emotional grief. Her dates name and phone number was there and she said he was gorgeous and referred to him as an Adonis; a women’s fantasy fulfilled in every way possible. She described his body in detail and there were a few Polaroid type pictures (17) of him and her in bed (graphic) naked. Her entries described their activities over the weekend, sexual and non-sexual. HE EVEN LEFT ENTRIES in her diary about his time with her. He described in graphic detail language the physical activates he did to her and what she did with him. I’ve been married to her for just over ten years and we haven’t done those things; and she only knew him for a day or two. He wrote that I must be an “…hole.” He wrote that he heard me ask her to marry me and laughed, then had an orgasm; I said earlier they were in the act. He closed his paragraph with, “I’ve left you well lubricated for your boyfriend and if you need a refill just call me. You have my name and number.” These words were seared into my thoughts. Since we were married months later and my wife became pregnant 2 to 3 weeks after that my twisted imagination began to think maybe my son might be his, he isn’t. I’m well aware how long sperm can thrive, but reading the details of their weekend together did a job on my imagination.

I didn’t know it at the time but he worked in the neighborhood we lived in. I would run into him occasionally and he would say high and ask me how my girlfriend was doing, and smile. He had met us walking to a store one day. I didn’t know who he was at the time; I just thought he was a friendly person from the neighborhood. A few months later we were married and around that time he said he heard about the marriage and wished me well. He also made a few joking remarks about my wife’s “charms” and implied she must be draining me to exhaustion with a certain action. They were a little graphic; I just assumed he was kidding around and dismissed it. But finding out years later about her time with him, I now understand how he knew her.

The fact that I have a face and body to go with what happened that weekend doesn’t help me recover or stay mentally ok. EVERYWHERE I LOOK I SEE THEM MESHED TOGETHER AS ONE. I touch apart of her body, he’s touching that part, I kiss her, and he’s kissing her. I can’t stop the pictures. At times it is as if I’m him touching her, it’s that strong a felling, a loathing hatred.

I talked with my wife about all of this. She broke down and cried the way I have never seen her before. She told me how a boyfriend she dated for months when she was 18 and loved, took her virginity and made her feel like a slut. She said a number of his guy friends would ask her out on a date and she was excited that guys were calling for dates. At the end of the date they expected to have sex with her. She said that when she told them no, a few got physical and had sex with her. She said it was easier to give in than fight with them. They told her their friend said she was an “easy lay.” She said that since she was no longer a virgin she had nothing to save. When she dated a guy and he wanted sex she wanted to please him and had sex. She said she wanted his approval and love. She then admitted she had a very low opinion of herself and sex seemed to be a way to feel better and elevate her self-esteem; but of course she realized it didn’t. She also said that sex with the right person was fun and pleasurable. She said if guys could enjoy it why not her.

I COULD GO ON, BUT WHY? She and I have a lot of work to do. If anyone responds, I will respond as well. At this point our lives are an open book.

I know far to well what you are going through. My husband has been my first and only and we've been together for 10 years. 9 years dating and 1 year married. I found out after I got married that he saw 3 different woman at the beginning of our relationship in the first 3 years of us dating. Found out by saved messages, list of girls he was with (3 after mine), and phone records. I just recently discovered that after he would talk to me on the phone he'd call her and talk to her for sever hours. WHO DOES THAT?? I'm currently going through counseling because I want to be with him and save my marriage. He said he never thought our relationship was gonna go any where because of our age difference and he wasn't married to me (saying that's when commitment starts). I've been told by many to move forward and work on the great relationship that we have together. Do I believe that he will cheat on me again? No, but it will always be in the back of mine because he did it while we were dating. So I ask you, how you really feeling? Are you more hurt that you just found out and she lied to you all this time? Or hurt she was with someone else?

I am mainly hurt because I was lied to for all these years?

Stu

You said you love your wife. And obviously your wife loves you.

She was "easy" when you met her.

That is the past.

Did she lie to you? Yes.

But you married her for who she is.

You can go on for the next ten years crying about the what happened ten years ago.

Or

You can hold her accountable, help her get to the bottom of why she had no self esteem and both of you can dedicate the rest of your lives to each other and your family.

You need to stop your imagination of the past and focus on your future together.

HM

PS

Drop a turd on the OM's car if you ever run into him again. It will make you feel better.

PSS

Burn your wife diary with her.

And leave the past in the past.

I believe that my wife has never cheated after that one weekend. Yes I know she kept a secret for 10 years, but I trust her. All of this hurts, but if I knew sooner I believe I would have left. We would not have had enough time to invest in each other. It’s not the lie, or the time, it’s that she gave herself to another person. That he held her naked body, and she held his. They did physical things to each other with enjoyment. I was her boyfriend, lover, I trusted her with my life and she for whatever reason slept with her Adonis. As I read her diaries it was evident that comparisons were made between me and her Adonis. He made comments about me and presumed performance ability that she didn’t change or correct. He did have a magnificent body and I after seeing the pictures and having met him could understand a women lusting after him. But she should have been committed to me, or had given me my walking papers. I was in great shape too; I worked out, surfed, and was good looking also. This is not a competition, she was my girlfriend and I did want her as my wife and mother of my children. When I kissed her and held her in my arms, the emotion was electrifying. The world could have ended and we would have survived. No matter what happened, I felt safe and I would do anything to make her happy. In our early years of marriage I worked 3 jobs and she worked also. We made it work; the time we spent together was special. Now I have mixed feelings. As I said, when I touch her it’s him. I smell her, it’s his, masculine smell. It just isn’t the same. I live with this 24/7.

This will play over and over in your head, give it to GOD (if your religious) that's what I do everyday. I do to think about how he held them, if he held them the way he held me, thought of them the way he thought of me, and cared for them the way he cared for me. But that's going to eat you up inside if you keep thinking that. If you believe she's committed move forward and build your life on what you've done with her. Think of this as something Before Marriage. You just know you have higher morals than what she does and you know that you did nothing wrong. If you continue down this path you're only going to make it worse.

Cheating is a bad thing, I was also told if they slept with them you slept with them also. But that really isn't the case. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG but love her.

Are you really wanting to throw something away that took you many years to be where you are today? If you get divorce or leave could you stand to see her with another man?