SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You're going to be the evil one from here on out because that's easier than him looking inside and changing himself.

I know it isn't easy, but try to let it roll off of you. Be a grey rock. You didn't do anything wrong and you are keeping your kids safe. Really, they will be so much better off without his abuse in their lives.

Today I'm getting emails from him and he's posting on social media about how evil I am, and all his flying monkeys are eating it right up.

Do yourself a favor, on your emails, set a new inbox rule, all emails from the sender (your WH), go right to a folder, preferably the Recycle Bin or if you must, a separate folder so that you deal with them on your time and when you want to. If you didn't have children that you have to coordinate some level of activities for, I would tell you that you just send all communication from him to the digital round file. As far as social media...block him and don't look back. Ignore his crap and don't give him an audience, he is just out there seeking attention and pity. It's a total wayward mindset that he is forever entrenched in, he needs the validation of others and the ego boost he gets from people pitying him for the fake situation he creates...I mean, it is exactly what waywards do....

WH: Oh my wife is so bad, she always burns the meatloaf and she is so mean to mean
AP: I have a family recipe for meatloaf that has been passed down from the old country and I wouldn't dare be mean to you.
WH: Oh you are so great, I really appreciate your friendship
AP: I think you're great too. I know, let's get together for a rendezvous over at the Shady Tree Motel.

I mean...more or less that is what your WH is doing on social media. He may or may not be actively trying to use a pity party to fish for his next AP, but it's the same mindset. Keep contact with him to the absolute barest of bare minimums for your mental sanity and to protect your babies, who need one stable parent. I must say, I'm so proud of how far you have come and shown some spine to this toxic WH in your life. A few months ago, you couldn't imagine a world without him (or so it seemed) and now you've stood up for yourself and your children to him and his family's bullying time and again. Keep putting one foot forward and soon enough this nightmarish chapter of your life will close and you will be divorced and free from him in many respects.

He lost control.

If he didn't blame you, he would have to acknowledge his own responsibility in the downfall of his life. He refuses to do so. (Which is why you had to leave.)

I know you feel pity for him, but this is something he will have to fix for himself. (Or just pretend everything is fine, and the world-you-is out to get him.)

Thanks for the moral support guys. Each one of you is completely right. I have not heard from the counselor yet. I have a feeling WHs anger is bc he was probably informed of the drug test. My son also mentioned that WH said something like "I'll be sending your mom money soon so I can see you more". The lady that sat with the kids did mention something along the lines of having to tell WH to not promise money and gifts. It irritates me that WH is suggesting that's what this is all about to begin with. As far as contact I've blocked all accounts associated with him long ago, but he sends messages from new ones. I ignored the messages and the kids and I went to the park and had a great day. I'll keep updating as things happen.

KB I am so very sorry that his crazy seems to be back :( I hope you and the kids are doing okay. You are such a kind person, you know this, all that you put up with, for him to lie like that, just blows my mind. I am thinking about you today, and hoping that you can get back to some peacefulness.

Lea, ive gotten better at letting it roll off me. Still have some work to do. I guess his behavior caught me off guard bc i was under the impression the visit went well, and it was a relief, so to speak. Leading up to it, the kids had been nervous. I had been nervous. And then out of nowhere hes angry again? Bc he finally got to see his kids again? I just wasn't expecting it i guess and still dont quite understand it.

And I meant to say Bor you're right on the money with the way you sum it up. Your meatloaf scenario made me chuckle. Its good to laugh when we can, right? Before I even knew about his "indiscretions" one of our biggest arguments was how he was always searching for attention from others, especially other women, which makes perfect sense now. We would get in an argument, and he was talking to another female "for moral support " within an hour.

Nomud, thank you. I don't feel like a kind person sometimes lately. It's really hard for me to be "tough" on people bc Ive always have the mindset that we ALL make mistakes in life. But this group and the past 6 months have made me see the difference in mistakes and bad choices. I've always made excuses for WHs behaviors since we were dating and even back to when we were just friends. Once I stopped doing that I saw him for who he is. All I've tried to do these past 6 months is make sure my babies are safe, first and foremost.

I know that you're hurting because of your kindness, that's what I meant. You are doing the right thing for your children, but it's hard for you. That's how you should know that everything that he is spewing is complete and utter lies. I can tell how hard it is for you, but your strength for your children is amazing, please don't forget that.

Kb I'm so glad you're doing ok. I would take allll those messages he's sent you and go to the local sheriff's department and sit there until they write a report up! Tell them you are in fear for your safety and want him charged for violating the order of protection! If they balk, tell them you will contact the media and also your state Attorney General's office!
As for the ex, he's GOT to be on drugs. Keep asking about the drug screens! He will eventually be found out.

Thanks Nomud. You always have the kindest words of support. I appreciate you very much. I've been trying to help him so many years it has felt "unnatural" and even "wrong" not to now. Years of habits and trauma bonding I'm healing from still, but getting much better. I do feel guilty for it sometimes. But I know I made the right decision for my babies and myself. He's only continued down a self destructive path the past 6 months and it doesn't appear to be getting better.

Ark, thank you. I'm saving all messages for court. Ironically it has been very quiet for about a week. I have a feeling he failed the drug test and that is why I've heard nothing else from the therapist or WH. The divorce court date is July 11th so I'll definitely update and if anything else pops up I'll update then as well.

Thanks for the support.

Hey guys, so we were supposed to have court tomorrow for a default hearing because I filed divorce March 14th and WH never responded. Well, TODAY, July 10th, my attorney got an email that WH has an attorney, and he has finally filed a response. So court tomorrow is canceled. He wants 50/50 custody, with the kids spending 1 week at his house then 1 at mine. I'm disappointed but not giving up. He has only done 1 of the supervised court ordered visits, but wants split custody? I have a meeting with my attorney Thursday. I'll update again once I speak with her.

Yup, that’s how it goes with stbxs like yours. Don’t respond until you get the counsel of your attorney. Hang in there 👍

Oh, man! That has got to be frustrating to have to cancel at the last minute.

He can also want sparkly unicorns to deliver breakfast muffins or chocolate chip pancakes in the shape of bunny rabbits every day, but that doesn't mean he'll get it.

His documented past behavior is probably going to bite him in the hind end.

Good luck with the lawyer in Thursday.

Oh man. I was so looking forward to your Independence Day. He knows he's not going to get what he's asking for. He's just dragging it out to torture you a bit more, and to make it seem as if he really wanted to have and care for his kids 50% of the time. What a tool.

Thanks for the support guys. I was livid when I got the news. WH seems to have no consequences. He can wait around 4 months to set up court ordered visits while claiming he misses the kids so bad. Wait til the last minute and past deadline to respond to the divorce. My kids would flip out if they had to spend half their time at his house, especially my youngest son who is a 100% mama's boy. He doesn't even like leaving me for 1 night sometimes. I had mentally and physically prepared for this court date for over a month. It's discouraging because when all this began the kids were nervous and emotional but have come so far the past 6 months. It just infuriates me that he thinks he can swoop back in and be a dad now. The funny thing is, he cannot handle the kids half the time, neither can his parents. On the few occasions they had them themselves, wh brought the 2 youngest to my moms and say them in the basement while I was working bc in his words "he couldn't handle them". If he and I went on a date and MIL was watching them it was only a few minutes in and she was calling about one of them. He's just doing this to lower his child support.

Also, I have suspicions WH is living with someone and possibly more to the story. I got a letter here stating he is receiving $281 a month in food stamps. I assume he has quit working and collecting disability, as he sent a message stating if we don't get back together that's what he will do. But the thing is, that's a lot for one person without children in my state. I know this because my sister who is disabled and has been her entire life is on disability and gets them. She gets $65 a month.

A few months back, WH messaged Me stating he had something to tell me regarding his ex. "That he talked to her sister and just wants me to know and be ok". I ignored the message like I have all the others, but immediately thought her son may be his. So now, when you google WHs name, his ex pops up as a relative. I don't even show up as a relative. So tell me how that would happen when he dated her over 15 years ago before me? Also, her sons middle name is my husband's first name. This kid is about to be 10, the same age and only a few months younger than our second son. We were married when this kid was conceived.

It could be all coincidence I guess. But I have a feeling. The truth will eventually come out.

Anyway, it ticks me off that he's claiming government benefits while I'm working overtime just to feed our children and keep a roof over our heads. He worked jobs when we were married. Yeah, he went through a million bc he got fired or quit on a whim. But suddenly hes UNABLE to work and claiming benefits? This is all so frustrating. I wish i could afford to take my kids on a vacation and just not think about it for a little bit.

Please keep me and the kids in your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate all of you.

KB

My heart breaks for you on your most recent update. Your WH has continued to behave exactly as we would expect him to behave, which is to say that he only does things in his personal self-interest. Not working is probably to reduce his burden of possible alimony and child support. Just like his counter proposal for a true 50:50 custody agreement, if he has them "half the time" then he doesn't have to pay as much child support either.

The little tidbits about how you suspect he is living with another woman and you suspect that this ex-W/GF (wasn't clear on that relationship) had a child with him while you were married? My goodness. I'm so sorry to hear that your life has become a little reality show like with this crap he has pulled. It is clear now that your WH doesn't love anyone but himself. He has no regard for his own children or his family and apparently just chases ass all over town. Again, I'm so sorry to hear about all this crap that you have to deal with as even I am shocked at just how low your WH is willing to go. However, that being said, I'm proud of how far you have come and wish you nothing but the best as you separate and leave this abusive relationship.

Regarding making ends meet to keep a roof over your heads and food on the table, do you not qualify for any social safety net programs like WIC or Food Stamps (SNAP benefits), or have you spoken with any women's shelters or food banks about getting some additional support? I know it may not be ideal, but right now is not the time to be prideful and not accepting potential help in these areas. I know you are exhausted and busting your butt with overtime to keep things afloat, but I'm simply wondering aloud if there aren't ways in which local programs could give you a hand up in a time of need like this.

Thanks Bor. I do get WIC for the 2 smallest kids and it definitely helps. I recently applied for additional help. I'm not ashamed to utilize resources available right now. Its just infuriating that he,alone, is worrying about himself (and possibly a new supply) instead of our 5 kids. The only child support I've seen was in the very beginning which wasn't that much and he made sure to take it back on ps4 charges once he realized he couldn't buy me back. I just want better for my kids. Right now I'm trying to balance finances and time with thrm and it's tough. I know it will be OK.

I'm not too worried about his request for half custody either. His track record and the amount of time he took to set up the first supervised visit says a lot. I have moments where I get do angry and the anxiety comes and goes. But I have to say things are much more peaceful now than they were 7 months ago.

Small update: I spoke with my attorney today. She advised not to worry about WHs response. Bshe said he can ask for the moon but that doesn't mean he gets it. She said she is getting a date for mediation set up. I have tried to reach out to the dcs worked who recommended supervised visits. She has not yet called me but has responded saying she will call today. I want to get something from her in writing that shows she recommended the supervised visits. So fingers crossed.

I also got a copy of WHs actual response and it made me so angry. I figured I would be, but reading it just made my blood boil. He denied the inappropriate marital conduct section, and it states "proof required ". So currently, I am typing up my response and attaching proof. I still have the d pic from his phone. He also wants the kids 1 week on, 1 week off. Wants this this Halloween and labor day, giving me Columbus day. He never helped with holidays. Halloween, I took care of costumes. Birthdays I took care of presents, parties, the fun. Christmas, all me. It just makes me furious for him to ask for that stuff and still deny he did anything wrong. He messed up bc now I'm even more angry and have more fight in me, as well as more time to gather and present evidence. I'll update when I know more. Thanks for the support.

He messed up bc now I'm even more angry and have more fight in me, as well as more time to gather and present evidence. I'll update when I know more. Thanks for the support.

Here I am from far away sending you all virtual high fives and kudos you deserve for fighting. Well done. Don't take this assclown's crap any longer. All the evidence that you've saved up is going to come back and bite him hard in the rear and I'm a little sad that I won't get a front row seat to see it blow up in his face, but don't worry about me sister, I still have my popcorn out

KB, tomorrow is August 1, 2023, everything still good with you and the family?

KB, we're all rooting for you! Hopefully, everything will go your way with child custody and the divorce. Keep your chin up!