SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Have you blocked AP yet?

No

Why is this such a point of contention for you? By not blocking you know you are wrong and leaving the door open. You can give a million excuses, but there can be no other reason other than you want to communicate somehow with him. Or at the least you want him to still pine for you and reach out.

How would your BH really feel if he knew you were protecting AP? And you are.

Why is this such a point of contention for you? By not blocking you know you are wrong and leaving the door open. You can give a million excuses, but there can be no other reason other than you want to communicate somehow with him. Or at the least you want him to still pine for you and reach out.

How would your BH really feel if he knew you were protecting AP? And you are.

I definitely do not want him reaching out to me. If I leave him unblocked and he does then I'll know he can't respect boundaries. I don't want him to pine over me, either, that would make me feel even worse. I definitely don't want him to hate me. That's the strongest feeling I have about all this. Not to be hated. And not to feel I wasn't worth the trouble (in both cases).

You not blocking him is the alcoholic in my story showing up at the bar and hoping someone offers to buy him a drink.

If you don’t block him, you BH will hate you. I promise you that.

Ask any BS here how they would feel about it.

I’m going to be honest, it’s down right pathetic to worry about your AP hating you after he helped you destroy your life. All of that talk about your self worth, that’s a lie. If you did then you would see how vile it is to not want your partner in hurting everyone you love to not hate you. You aren’t some powerful seductive goddess and poor AP was powerless to fall for you. He is equally guilty as you.

Do you even have to courage to tell your BH you haven’t blocked him because you don’t want him to hate you?

You not blocking him is the alcoholic in my story showing up at the bar and hoping someone offers to buy him a drink.

I hear this and Ik it's not the right thing to do. I'm going to give myself some grace as they say with this one.

You aren’t some powerful seductive goddess and poor AP was powerless to fall for you. He is equally guilty as you.

Yes, poor ap, exactly. Eta (Oops, now Ik what you meant when I reread the quote) I can't speak to the rest, that's up to ap to figure out (as in what I was to him), but, yes, he and I did an awful thing to a lot of ppl and it's something we'll have to live with forever even if I reconcile and he finds love with someone else (which I hope he does) he deserves to be happy despite what he did. Maybe I won't care at some pint but that's obviously how I feel rn.

[This message edited by Elliebellie at 4:00 PM, Friday, June 14th]

I hear this and Ik it's not the right thing to do. I'm going to give myself some grace as they say with this one.

Nope, no grace on this one. This is a binary choice. AP or your husband.

My last talk with my wife, she was flirting with some new asshole. She had the nerve to tell me that she deserved the right to make "affordable mistakes". I walked away from her immediately.

If you can’t see the insanity in your own actions then recognize it in our stories, in our WS’s, and use your logical brain to force yourself to see yourself in our stories.

Wake up.

You really think very high of yourself. You think a man who is well off, looks like a GQ model (your words), has any issues finding women, especially a woman who actually knows what loyalty is? If he fell so hard for you then you have to admit to yourself that he never had good intentions when he became your friend.

The only victim here is your BH and your kids

When you find out AP has a new GF, or even better that he had one in secret the entire affair, I hope it’s before you waste time and money lying to you BH at MC.

It never ceases to amaze me how many people think their AP i something special tbat no their affair was unique and special and it was some thing more then what it really was.

You can’t even pretend to be loyal, at all. For once in your life, you have the easiest decision to ever make, and actually show a thread of being a loyal wife, or even being a wife at all.

Instead, you’re only worried about yourself.

Snark aside, please answer honestly: Why are you here? You're getting amazing insight from people who have earned that wisdom through unbelievable pain and you keep pushing back. If you're looking for a loophole that allows you to do what you're already doing, you're not going to find it.

I don't want him to pine over me, either, that would make me feel even worse. I definitely don't want him to hate me. That's the strongest feeling I have about all this

This^ You don't get it yet. Your POSAP should be no more meaningful to you than someone who cut you off in traffic once...two years ago.

Take notes and follow through. If you must divorce, then do it. But stop torturing your husband. However abusive he may have been has been paid back many times over. Move on or follow the really good advice you're getting for free here. There really isn't a middle path.

[This message edited by 1994 at 4:22 PM, Friday, June 14th]

I'm trying to get this straight:

AP rents an apartment from you and your H. (Were you and H helping him out?) He then goes on to undermine your husband's relationship with you and your children, escalating in a physical affair that you both carried out in you and your husband's home?

The guy sounds like a monster, not a "gentle soul" or a great guy. Certainly not the kind of morals I would want to expose my children too intentionally.

The fact that you continue to defend this guy after he disrespected your family and your husband is horrifying.

Codependency. You asked earlier why is he so loyal, why won’t he let me go. That’s the answer.

I think there is truth in this. I had to come to the conclusion that part of the strength of my attachment to my wife was rooted in codependency. But that wasn’t all of it. I did in fact love the absolute shit out of my wife and I am a fiercely loyal man. All of those things blended together to keep me in the arena for 2 years, it wasn’t JUST codependency. I read that in other people’s stories as well. I suspect that is true for your BH as well, Ellie.

You really think very high of yourself. You think a man who is well off, looks like a GQ model (your words), has any issues finding women, especially a woman who actually knows what loyalty is? If he fell so hard for you then you have to admit to yourself that he never had good intentions when he became your friend.

The only victim here is your BH and your kids

Yes, I've said that. I'm not a victim. And yeah maybe he did always want to get with me but he never acted on it (until I did). It was an ego boost to both of us, i fully acknowledge that. He was with someone for a very long time and they raised their resepective kids together. They broke up a few years ago bc, as he said, she was a poor communicator, didn't treat his kids as well as she treated her own, and wanted to get married and he didn't. Just like with me, I'm only getting half the story. I did actually see a lot of my husband's qualities in him. Good provider and loyal. The thinking highly of myself is just unhealthily tying up my self worth in my looks. I was raised that way by mom and I carried it through with the "profession" I chose and then probably relationships. It's such a superficial way to live and exactly why I'm in the place I am. I wish I had gotten therapy years ago as a single woman when I realized all this but I thought therapy was only for MI and at that time (early 2000s) it wasn't as common as it is now.

When you find out AP has a new GF, or even better that he had one in secret the entire affair, I hope it’s before you waste time and money lying to you BH at MC.

This is what makes me sad. He absolutely had no one else. It's pointless to even bother with this line of thinking. I hope he can move on, like I said. I never want to be someone's everything.

It never ceases to amaze me how many people think their AP i something special tbat no their affair was unique and special and it was some thing more then what it really was.

Again, I've said this over and over, ik this affair wasn't unique or special. How many ppl have affairs? Around here more than the national average, it seems. And why? For all the same reasons.

You can’t even pretend to be loyal, at all. For once in your life, you have the easiest decision to ever make, and actually show a thread of being a loyal wife, or even being a wife at all.

I agree. It should be the easiest choice in the world. I'm working through what kind of wife I am and have been and want to be.

Instead, you’re only worried about yourself

.

I wouldn't say only, but absolutely agree. Ik I'm selfish. Selfish ppl have affairs.

I’m going to suggest something here, and no it’s not because I just want to bash on AP.

Having been here, plus my time as a cop and in the Army I’ve seen a lot.

Have you ever talked to his ex? Do you know anything at about her other than what he told you?

I know you’re going to get defensive here, but hear me out. Do you know how many APs lie about their ex/spouse? Before you even say "he would never", take an objective look. You know for a fact he has no problem being an AP, eating dinner with another man’s family while having sex with his wife. It’s entirely possible that your his first affair. If you actually read, the most common answer is no it’s not. This wasn’t my WWs first affair, it was just the first one where she went all the way. It’s not your first time stepping out, though they were usually sanctioned I know.

Have you even considered that he divorced his ex because he cheated on her? Might explain a lot of her current behavior now.
Again, more times then not, despite how much you want to believe otherwise, APs lie just as much as the cheating spouse.

My impression of you is that you are highly intelligent. You are drinking from a firehose of nuanced and varied information here and, while not acting appropriately on it, at least showing you understand it all.

You have also described yourself as gorgeous.

I’d guess that those two qualities have gotten you a long way in life. Neither of them will help you here.

Your beauty will not save you, it could work against you as a trigger to your husband.

You cannot figure this out as a puzzle to be solved. You cannot control this.

You must develop new emotional intelligence that you clearly currently lack. You must be honest. You must be humble. You must be loyal, and split loyalty is no loyalty at all.

If I’m right here, what has propelled you in life up to this point has gotten you to this disaster because it lacked these other virtues. Intelligence is good. Beauty is good. They are not enough.

As I search out a new partner, I will be looking for kindness, openness, honesty. I will not fall for a pretty face and I sure as hell won’t be manipulated.

You have a lot of great advice that you’re just not taking.
I have to admit that I find it deplorable that you came here looking to help your husband heal allegedly but thus far you’ve tried to justify your affairs by saying your husband is abusive. That you were forced to cheat because you found the perfect father figure in your AP. I don’t know if your hubby is a good father or a good husband. What I do know from what you’ve told us is that he’s loyal to you and your marriage. He’s trying to fix his own anger issues. He’s graciously let you off the hook. And yet here you are talking about grace and how abusive your BH is but the only abuse I’m seeing is the abuse of his trust, loyalty and grace he’s given you.
I’m the BS/WS combo. I see both perspectives of the dynamic but there’s only one real answer. The marriage and what’s good for it is all that matters. You’re either an ally or an enemy of the marriage. You aren’t an ally to your own marriage, you somehow have this sense of entitlement because you think you’re pretty and it seems to me your ego is far more prescious than your marriage.
I do hope you encourage your BH to visit us. He needs help too and his giving you pass after pass to go have sex with other men when the "urge" hits is doing him no favors. If you’re looking for condolences that your monster BH forced you into the arms of another man and to play house with HIS OWN CHILDREN, I fear you clicked the wrong link.

I think there is truth in this. I had to come to the conclusion that part of the strength of my attachment to my wife was rooted in codependency. But that wasn’t all of it. I did in fact love the absolute shit out of my wife and I am a fiercely loyal man. All of those things blended together to keep me in the arena for 2 years, it wasn’t JUST codependency. I read that in other people’s stories as well. I suspect that is true for your BH as well, Ellie.

There are different levels of this, ink.

I don’t think being codependent means that you don’t love someone. I think it means more that you don’t know where you end and they begin in terms of boundaries in your case. Like you took responsibility for things you shouldn’t need to.

I think that element is present here, but thier relationship history is more toxic. She just told a story where her husband had to go home knowing she was going to have a threesome with two guys. Something he did not want her to do. That was betrayal. Doesn’t matter if he knew about it, she took what she wanted regardless of how he felt. This man has been abused - had intimacy withheld for three years on top of that.

His codependency is what you would find more in spousal abuse.

Sorry, Ellie, this is just factual.

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:31 PM, Friday, June 14th]

Did I read this correctly? You had sex with 2 other men earlier in the marriage and this would be your 3rd AP? Do you want to be married?