SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So much good advice. I need to continue 180 hard. She even asked if I was mad this morning I just said nope, I'm fine.

I'm moving out and not waiting on a court order. I don't need that stress on top of everything. I need to regain my life and get her out of my daily routine. It's just sad for the kids. We have to tell them soon. I dread that moment. I am sure I will cry. I always cry when I think of the boys and when people tell me I have a good heart and I will be better off in the end. Always cry. Finances are about to hit home for her now that I have to spend money to live on my own. F'ing bitch!

Be warned.

The courts will ensure that you provide for your kids before you feed yourself. FACT.

You will have to provide a roof, clothes, food, child care and everything else they need before you even think about getting yourself a cardboard box to live in. She will be their carer and you will have to provide for her too.

Ask me how I know

Do NOT MOVE OUT yet! Have you discussed this with your attorney? Won't moving out before a court order severely worsen your position? Please, please, consult a very good (mama-bear/shark, preferably:)) divorce lawyer before moving out! I know it seems expensive, but it might save you lots of money, worries etc. in the future.

I'm moving out and not waiting on a court order.

Do you think appeasing a wayward spouse ever solves any problem?

I don't need that stress on top of everything.

Of course not. But there it is. You can trade the stress of moving away from your kids for the stress of living with that alien who stole your wife's body.

Neither stress is enjoyable in the slightest. Believe me that none of this is fun, and we've all experienced some or all of this before.

I need to regain my life

It takes time. You can't force that.

Finances are about to hit home for her now that I have to spend money to live on my own.

Courts only care about whether the children are receiving what they need.

Leaving the marital home is a statement. It's not a statement judges particularly like.

F'ing bitch!

Channel that anger into strength. Stay there for your kids. Hold firm that she's the one who needs to move out for now.

Maybe you should stop texting her, and respond with one-word answers when it comes to kid organization stuff.

You're divorcing the alien. Whatever your wife was certainly wasn't a person who deserved a marriage or your kids.

At some point, your love for her will die and all of this will become a lot easier. That takes time.

In the meantime, you have to force yourself not to react. Don't be mean, don't argue with her, don't engage with her at all. Give it time, and that will be your new norm.

Shocked,

The first thing my XW's attorney told her, in no uncertain terms, was: Do NOT move out of the home. In her case it was too late--she already had, and if we had gone to trial this would not have bode well for her. It won't for you either if you leave the home.

Stay where you are. Do NOT move out.

I'm sorry you're having such a struggle brother. My D went to court. Your moving out of the home will award defacto custody to her. In essence you are stating that she is a stable parent and you are confident that leaving your children in that environment is not harmful. You are also awarding primary residence in the home to her.

From day I filed until she exhausted all of her appeals was about a year and a half. Yep, lived with her the whole time. No, it wasn't easy.

sending strength.

ETA. Stoopid phone

[This message edited by 5454real at 12:54 PM, October 22nd (Wednesday)]

Allatsea:

"She could be banging the Welsh Rugby team and it's not your problem."

Please don't denigrate the Welsh Rugby Team… They're a fine bunch of fuckers…

A friend from Swansea Higher

B-ByePolar

Just told kids and it went better than I expected. So now I can go NC except related to kids. The kids were actually excited about spending time with me into new place. They want to take all sorts of stuff over. I am glad for now it went well.

Why are you ignoring our advice?

I'll venture that Shocked is not ignoring our advice, but is in such a world of hurt that getting out of the house seems like the only way to relieve the pain. That's where I was. I really don't think I could have taken much longer and legally I couldn't evict her.

Here's what I did, as the first step of a collaborative divorce process: I created a custody schedule, clearly labeled as provisional, with days that I would be with the kids and days that she would. I also made sure my apartment would be comfortable and had all the things the kids would want or need (plus, it has a swimming pool which they don't have at the old house). This was discussed with both attorneys and agreed as a provisional step before a permanent custody arrangement would be agreed to.

I also thought long and hard and concluded that I would never want to live in that house again, and therefore I don't care whether she buys me out or we sell it as part of the D.

Lastly I made sure I had all essential papers and belongings that I care about in my possession before the move out date.

So, Shocked, I definitely understand you getting out. But please do all you can to protect yourself and make sure your attorney understands the implications.

I agree, he's not ignoring our advice. He's heard it.

His situation or working arrangement may preculde him from being the main carer for the children. It may be the only feasible situation but I agree with MHCA that he should absolutely get his legal position in order before he acts.

Ensure that your departure from the house cannot be construed as a negative act. You probably imagine that she will be decent and fair in the settlement, split of assets and time with the children. You have to remember that she doesn't have any positive feelings about you anymore. She thought nothing of hurting you in the worst way and rubbing your nose in it.

It's not much of a leap from there to start being controlling over the children and assets to hurt you even more. It's not beyond them from this point

Ask me how I know

[This message edited by allatsea at 2:15 AM, October 23rd (Thursday)]

Please don't denigrate the Welsh Rugby Team… They're a fine bunch of fuckers…

I'm not saying he shouldn't move out at all, but that he should seek legal advice and protect himself legally before moving out. And he hasn't mentioned any of that, and I'm worried about his kids. Not about the house, but about the kids and him.

I understand he's in a world of hurt, but he must, for his kids' sake, suffer it out in the house until he gets legal counsel and protection.

Best wishes, Shocked

I have a really good lawyer in fact the WW has sent emails and texts to friends about how my lawyer is aggressive and I am out for blood. The former is true. She even mentioned how her attorney told her he has a "reputation". Whatever. He was recommended by my uncle who managed an accounting firm and dealt with tons of lawyers.

Believe me I don't want to move out but I will not be forced out by a judge. I am like Mhca-the house will end up being sold or her parents will have to buy me out. It is not a long term solution so the sooner I can start living new life the better. The attorney has assured me it doesn't hurt me to move out.

We have agreed many times verbally on 50/50 so today I emailed her proposed plan on parenting time. She better respond. This is the most important aspect of all of this and given the kids excitement(granted they don't fully grasp the situation yet) she knows, I know she does, how important it is for them to spend time with their dad. I know she has said this and could completely go another direction since she is crazy right now but that is why I have my attorney 😃.

Shocked, I'm glad you have a good lawyer. Be aggressive but fair. Judges like that.

Please do not trust that your ww will keep to her verbal promises. She might be saying the right things now but you must expect her to change her tune.

She has a poor reputation for doing the honourable thing. You are not her priority

I heard all the same things:

"You are their father and always will be"

"I would never prevent the boys from seeing their father"

"My new boyfriend will not replace you as their father"

"I only want what is fair"

That changed completely only a few weeks later to:

"You are a terrible man and father. The children don't like you"

"You will see them on my terms, if you are lucky"

"My new boyfriend has been a better father in the last two months than you have ever been"

"You are an abusive father and I'm taking you to court"

"50/50 is not half" (I kid you not)

Do not expect her to keep her promises.

...today I emailed her proposed plan on parenting time. She better respond. This is the most important aspect...

I'm taking this slightly out of context, only to emphasize a consistent theme.

You are very focused on what your wife does at any point in time, as if the situation were fluid. It isn't. She has made a decision not to be married.

Divorce is a marathon. You can't make a decision to cover mile three in a marathon that will somehow make the rest of the marathon a piece of cake. You can only tire yourself out and harm your chances of finishing successfully.

Let your lawyer handle the details.

Shocked,

I am going to go against some of the advice here and suggest to you something my attorney told me in my 1st divorce.

When I moved out prior to filing, I did not move back. I visited the kids when I could, but did not yet have a place of my own.

But during that time, my atty RECOMMENDED that I stop paying bills for the WW's home. Be sure to consult with your atty before doing this, but my atty's suggestion was based on the concept that it puts more pressure on the other spouse to do something, or to get them off center where they start making mistakes. Plus, it also puts them in a position that they have to prove they, too, can provide for the children. The other notion is that the WW cannot provide a stable home, while yet, you can.

But trust me, custody battles can get lengthy and bloody. If you can establish a solid and agreeable schedule now, then you may be able to get your WW to accept what is already working without having to drag the D out for months and months (like my ex did.)

Good luck. And stay in constant communication with your atty with any decision that you think MIGHT impact your D and custody of your kids in the slightest. You have no idea how much mud can be slung in a court hearing. Be prepared for everything you do during this time to come under scrutiny!

And a last suggestion my atty made (I bet yours did too), is to start a hand written DIARY. Write in it EVERY DAY! Be sure to date and time stamp your entries. He-said, she-said is one thing, but a written diary is something completely different. Heck, I went as far as to use an audio recorder when it came time to pick up and drop off the kids!

Good advice from the last several posters. I'm glad to hear you have a good attorney! Best wishes!

Shocked, is your wife a stay-at-home mom who went back to school for her masters? And she also volunteers? When was the last time she had a full-time job outside the home? Will she be able to make decent money after you're divorced? Did she say she was thinking of getting a court order to get you out of the house? Are you able to monitor her emails and if so, does she know?

What was her friend's reaction when you said you couldn't look at her because she supported the cheating? Has your wife ever apologized for the cheating?

As far as 180 being difficult: I think it would be OK to tell her you are trying to detach emotionally. Tell her that you noticed that she is emotionally detached from you before the divorce process even started, but that until the decision to divorce you were all in, you were extremely hurt by her betrayal, and you would appreciate if she would just keep her communications to those about the kids and the divorce, that maybe you could have more communication in the future when you are not still so raw. Tell her that you are not trying to be "cold" or "less than amicable," but that you don't want to fight and still are feeling raw over her cheating and wanting to divorce. Maybe she will stop with the patting and the small talk after that.

Went to my last "MC" appointment which was a complete waste of time. Caused me nothing but stress and at the end she wants me to be "kind". I told her that will take time and it's not happening now. I am in anger phase. BUT...did meet someone last week and let's just say we've been having a good time together so there's the ying to the yeng. I have renewed confidence and I finally feel my life is moving forward and this new fun has springboarded me past the point of caring about STBXWW. I am moving into my new place soon and kids are excited (for now), work is going well, so I have a lot of positives. Just this minor divorce thing to deal with in the meantime