SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am a useless wife and I don’t know how to help him.

(((ASCL))) I’m so very sorry.

There's a thing called bail where they put up about ten percent of whatever they asses a fine-able dollar amount risk on the "offender" based on what kind of risk they think the person might pose to society based on their previous record and what they crime they are being charged with.

I'm no expert by ANY means, but I used to go to jail regularly with a bunch of pastors and other church guys blocking abortion clinic doors so women who'd already had abortions and regretted it could tell the WHOLE truth to young girls who were going to have their babies aborted.

We got out on "personal recognizance" and then had to appear later before a judge to be tried. I don't know what the typical dollar amounts are set for bail on "assault & battery" but honestly I'm really quite glad for HIM and everyone concerned.

People who haven't been in those shoes...they just have NO CLUE how dehumanizing and emasculating it is to be virtually "raped" by another man (via one's wife) from behind when they're not looking or deserving such abuse...especially with their own wife helping the virtual "rapist"...

It's INCREDIBLY traumatizing. Frankly, this is almost really GOOD news in my OWN way of thinking. People go to jail all the time for all manner of selfish garbage and always come out and just go right back to it and make a freaking LIFEstyle out of the habit.

This just might enable him to live with himself AND you and look in the mirror without regretting that he NEVER did anything to answer this man's insult and injury to him and his family name and YOU.

I take this as very good news in the long run. Let him know that THIS ex-jail bird, pro-life, pro-family, Christian "fanatic" is envying HIM more than just a little bit right now.

I ONLY wish he'd somehow managed to save his one shot at being legally clear to somehow get the BOTH of his enemies a lesson in respect at the same time somehow.

But better a bird in the hand than none at all (rephrased that one, I guess). I'm not for vengeance typically, but a man needs to protect his family and even himself at SOME point sometimes. I would REALLY like to know how the ex-AP came out of this ordeal. Maybe a little less bold to go preying on other mens' wives I hope for all of our sakes out there.

Tell that man you're PROUD that he LOVES YOU and that family of yours enough to not just take that SOB's attacks on ya'll's honor and healing and sancitity of marriage and family without some kind of ANSWER for his evil and wickedness! You've got a real Rocky Balboa on your hands I'm thinking. If he didn't love you or his own self-respect...then he wouldn't have even bothered risking himself like that.

I'm not trying to punish YOU with this. But you likely don't realize what a WAR this stuff is for a man like I imagine your husband (or myself for that matter) to be. I'm gonna send this clip of Rocky III to try to convey what I am almost CERTAIN is what he's dealing with in his own mind...or at least WAS dealing with anyhow. Whether the AP won the physical bout with your husband or NOT, a man can't stay a MAN and just take that kind of SHIT sitting down or turning his back to it for the rest of his life. It's just not how we're generally wired...

Rocky III Movie CLIP - Clubber Heckles Rocky (1982)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNnr60_UZtg

You gotta cheer for that man instead of allowing him to shame himself for ONE SECOND! He's gotta be dealing with some serious stuff right now, and I think he did very well just to not outright KILL the SOB, personally, considering the depths of the betrayal and what that guy's really done to him and his family.

You CAN help him. He did this partly to regain his honor and self-respect as the head and protector of his struggling little family.

You MUST support and cheer for that guy. You MUST. I wish I could visit him MYSELF!

I wish more men would fight for the love of their lives...for what's RIGHT! I wish people gave a DAMN like that!

I'll say this: I'M sure as hell cheering for him and his honor and the rest of ya'll right now!

I'm even jealous.

Rocky III Movie CLIP - Rocky Beats Clubber

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lu2-RuTwlto

Besides...that isn't VENGEANCE, really. Vengeance would be for that guy to be either DEAD or raped or without male genitalia right now, in this man's opinion, since he has no wife or children or honor to lose or be shamed in front of.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 9:30 PM, February 10th (Saturday)]

I seriously hope you are bailing your husband out of jail.

And your poor family. Praying for you and your family right now.

Even if he were to divorce you, he STILL would have to live with himself and his lack of responding to that unprovoked attack upon him and all that he holds dear.

That AP of yours...wow...what a charmer. Going to your mom's like that like he still "owned" you or held the right to psychologically threaten your husband like he did...a playboy is he? The audacity of that selfish predatory monster, violating ya'll's trust and all manner of decency like that.

Amazing arrogance and provocation.

But your husband will be better off I think for having done this. And it might make for better grounds for a reconnecting or telling of the whole business to his side of the family, too.

There is a saying among gun-rights advocates that goes "better to be tried by twelve (jury) than carried by six (funeral/casket)". I think this holds true here as well. It's not as if there was no cause for his unprecedented "outburst"...if he gets thru all of this relatively intact to reach the "other side" of the reconciliation and anger and grieving hurdles, that is.

Besides, ya'll have proof of the adultery-induced mental grief and subsequent trauma that caused his "outburst" via the medical records from his hospitalization stay. When you get in touch with a lawyer, he'll have that to help in your husband's defense. There's documentable evidence for what provoked him to anger, and your mother was a witness to this AP's inadvertent "terrorism" by virtue of a VERY unwelcome visit to her house which was most certainly yet a further provocation against ya'll and your husband in particular.

Has a lawyer contacted you yet? Or your brother? What is your husband's physical condition at this point?

I guess being drunk at the time almost kinda helps his legal case as well (maybe...I'm no lawyer, but I mean people get into fights all the time, especially when drunk. With or WITHOUT any kind of real provocation or malice like what your husband was suffering without cause..).

Get him some kind of message of support if you can. Or if he genuinely doesn't want to interact with you right now, then just pray and try to find out how he wants to go forward after he's in a more clear-headed state of mind.

Nothing would look "right" from the inside of a jail cell for the first time, I reckon. He's got to get out of there to have any real objectivity on things I would think. My point there is to not put too much stock in what he's feeling right at this moment in time other than to respect him as much as you can right now and defend his honor from others' maligning it and him (like you did here on SI a post or so ago tonight).

Be his cheerleader. I think he could really use one right about now. And if ya'll are even nearly as "Christian" as I reckon ya'll to be...well...do protect his honor for now and maybe we can talk about some of the erroneous thinking in a lot of modern "churchianity" some other time. I rather doubt that most typical, evangelical "Christians" would be able to relate to what he's going thru and dealing with like a fellow BH (like myself) would.

In the meantime, it should be worth noting I think that almost every major leader in the early church including many of the O.T. prophets and even Christ Himself underwent arrest and being charged with some crime or another and tried before a court of law (however false those judges and their accusers and charges may have often been), so he's not in such bad company really.

My own jail time and subsequent sentencing is something that I am more glad to have had the privilege of being a part of than MOST things I've done in this life and world. And they told me at the time of my arrests that I was the youngest "rescuer" in the nation.

I was 18 and the years were 1989 and 1990. "Criminal Trespass" was what they charged me with, and I know that there are people literally ALIVE just because I made that choice to block those doors a number of times. And my own mother was dying of cancer at that time, too. But I digress. I just want you to know that I'm not just a person who has no idea what he's talking about in some of these things.

I applaud his standing up for something for honor and love and decency's sake. Reminds me a little of Flight 93 in a way. I wish more people would stop evil from taking over everything. Makes me want to VOMIT that no one hardly cared when my own wife and family were in jeopardy years ago.

He’s out. My brother-in-law went to a place that’s open 24 hours, even on the weekends. They’re called bail bondsmen businesses. You pay them and they help get your loved one out of jail; you promise collateral to them if the person misses court.

I’m relieved. And exhausted - I have been up for hours praying and haven’t slept at all. I’m about to drop from exhaustion and will update later. Need some rest.

Thank you for your support and prayers.

I guess I could have been more informative about the particulars of jail and the legal system and how it works.

At this point, y'all are now pieces in the " game" of the American judicial system. And I word it like THAT, because that's largely what it is. It's VERY MUCH like a game. I'm not trying to completely sound callous or cynical, but for religious minded, patriotic idealists who have never " danced" with the legal system before, I want to offer some perspective to you both so that you don't get hurt by being too gullible or disillusioned.

Forget what you've learned in history about the Constitutional right to a speedy trial and the prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment. Law & order is more like money changers in the Temple than it is like seeing actual justice administered, from all that I have seen. It's a very robust business. It's like a very large and obese tick that's never really satisfied and the blood that it is after, isn't justice or fairness per se...it's money, power, and time to digest such and maintain its insatiable appetite for MORE.

The upside of this is that they won't likely really vilify your husband. If he plays by the rules of the game, he'll be just fine. They want money, and submission (respect, I guess you could say). The system is made up of people who are generally in it for the money or the respect or BOTH. So if they get one or the other or both, then they're usually gonna play nice right back at you. But it can be cold and unfeeling, too.

I don't know what the typical time is from the start of an arrest & incarceration to the actual END if the ordeal, partly because a tick doesn't want to ever stop being attached to its food source. The delays and scheduling and hearings and documents and so-called processes and procedures and formalities...they ALL come at a price like buying a home or something like that. And it often takes years before they're finished getting every drop the game allows them to drain out of you.

Now I may be wrong about my info there regarding the longevity and extent of the slow and measured drain on one's finances and sanity where your husband and this " first time offender" thing is concerned. I only know what I've seen from repeat offenders and civil cases. I'm just warning you and hopefully encouraging you at the same time not to take this literal BUSINESS not too seriously from an idealist's point of view. There's a lot of power plays and posturing and bluffing and lies and literal "motions" and hoops they often have and use for people caught in their web to jump thru. But it's almost ALL a game. A game of making money. A kind of shell game or sleight-of-hand where the rules and the language are known only by the "professionals" who went to College and paid their dues to have the lifetime " guild" membership and privileges to be recognized as legitimate players/representatives of the game.

Not terribly unlike the religious system of the Dark or middle ages. The only people who got to read the bible back then were vetted members of the clergy system and it was either in Greek, Hebrew, Latin, with all public sermons in Latin whether the laypeople understood Latin or not.

Give them respect, but don't be discouraged. It's just another literal "trial" y'all are gonna have to face. ACTUALLY, it's very likely that y'all might not have to go to " trial" at all. Lawyers very often do negotiating out of court for some kind of car-payment-like deal where the "offender" walks free for a fee, and everyone else lives that much higher in the hog as the REAL "punishment" for the offense.

Once the deal is struck, it's all just a matter of time and whatever money they've typically got coming to them whether it's a one time lump for "court costs/filing fees" or an ongoing thing. The lawyer you choose will have HIS share of blood too.

Just ask around and Google your lawyer to see what kind of "avatar" you want to represent you in the game for now.

Either way, it's just a matter of some time and money. Either way he and you have to live with YOURSELVES, no matter what money or time is at a stake. And I'm betting he's happier in a cardboard box with dignity than a mansion with shame.

My guess is that they'll merely give him a legal slap in the wrist for " misbehaving" a little, though. I should probably have googled or consulted some people who really know about the reasonable expectations in cases like this one, but I wanted to shoot this post out to you right quick to let you know it's gonna be okay...If y'all just don't let it get to you. It's just a game to a lot of people out there, don't let yourselves be discouraged or deceived.

Hopefully y'all won't be too terribly inconvenienced and distracted by all the formalities that ensue as part of the game. If he's working for family, then I'm guessing they'll be more understanding of those inconveniences.

(I edited the part about googling the lawyer from being like "choosing a house to live with" to being instead like picking an avatar character to represent you in the game. The house analogy is meant to convey potential complexity and bureaucracy/red tape that can be part of dealing with the legal system with the lawyer being kinda like a real estate agent. I didn't mean to suggest that the costs involved or potential permanancy would be equivalent.)

[This message edited by Cephastion at 9:50 AM, February 11th (Sunday)]

You need to set your mom straight and cut off the AP.

It's the least you can do.

Marz, the mom was kept in the dark about the adultery. The guy was a VERY longtime family friend--even with the mom, and was the godfather to Mr. & Mrs. Life's son as well as a supposed friend to Mr. Life himself.

Mrs. Life changed jobs and where she shops and went NC and even trashed all the AP's stuff they had from over the years, just a couple of weekends ago. I think the reason her mom didn't know was in keeping with Mr.Life's wishes to limit the extent of the overwhelming shame and trauma he was ALREADY having to deal and live with.

Hopefully the AP is at LEAST "smart enough" to not go ahead and commit virtual suicide by continuing to knowingly terrorize his victims any further than he already has at this point. My guess is that Mr. Life won't bother with handicapping himself with drunkenness if there's a "next time" he has to express himself and enforce a NO CONTACT sign & body language epistle (message) to that POS again.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 10:11 AM, February 11th (Sunday)]

It’s amazing how much can change in a 24 hour period. Yesterday (before I knew my husband had been arrested) my biggest fear was confessing my affair to my mother. Once I learned what happened to my husband, though, my mother was the last thing on my mind. All I could do was pray and cry and wait by the phone. All I know about jail is what I have seen on tv, so I was scared.

My husband has been very communicative with me. He said he wasn’t in the holding cell very long because initially they had him separated in a “detox” area because he had consumed a substantial amount of an alcoholic substance. He said that the place was crowded and dirty, but bearable.

Apparently he went to a sports bar for a few hours and was drinking. Somehow decided he needed to go confront the AP. Says he hadn’t intended on fighting, just giving him a piece of his mind. But the AP had a smirk on his face and was being patronizing under the guise of pseudo-politeness, and he snapped...threw a punch, and they began fighting. A neighbor called the police.

He told me that he called his brother instead of calling me because he felt ashamed of himself for losing control. He said that he has been trying not to think of the AP and seeing the car was like being doused with ice cold water or like being slapped. He said he was sorry. I told him I was sorry and that I understood.

He said that he told his brother what happened and about the A. I told him I already knew. He stopped and stared at me and asked me how did I know. I explained that his brother was acting funny. He relaxed and said that I must have been misreading things. That his brother was probably just stressed and worried. That his brother had promised not to tell anyone in their family about the A and that his brother didn’t view me in a negative light.

Then he asked me if I would keep our son with me tonight and told me not to bring dinner tonight because he wasn’t hungry. I asked if I should still bring him breakfast and lunch tomorrow when I take our son to school. He said no...that he was going to try to retain an attorney and might not go to work, so he wouldn’t need anything to eat.

Could he be lying? Because he doesn’t want me around right now? He’s a very honest guy. But this is very abrupt. Don’t come here, don’t cook for me. I can’t help but read into it. Does a person really need an attorney for assault and battery? Especially if you’ve already gotten a bail bond? Isn’t this more of the type of thing where you can represent yourself?

Maybe he blames me for the AP visiting my mother. But he was the one that didn’t want to expose the A to our parents. He was the one who insisted that he didn’t want anyone to know. I admit that I was relieved (because I didn’t want anyone to know either), but I would have been willing to tell whoever I needed to tell if it was what he needed from me. I wouldn’t have been happy to disclose that to our families because it’s embarrassing and shameful, but I would have still gone through with it.

What reason do I have to believe that his brother will keep this in confidence? It’s not like my in-laws are exactly enamored with me. If he slips...if he hasn’t already...it’s over. They will never support him being with me if they know what happened. I don’t even know if my own mother will support him being with me once she is told. This just isn’t something that has happened in our families. My parents were married and happy until my father’s death. My husband’s parents are still married. My husband’s siblings are married. I don’t know anyone who has been in this type of situation. And especially not in my husband’s family’s overall community. It’s too scandalous. If it happens, no one talks about it. Everyone will shame him if he stays with me. I can’t let him live like that...I love him too much for him to be miserable for choosing me over them. But I can’t lie. I want him to choose me, to choose us, over them. But I don’t even know if I deserve that. I probably don’t.

If I had any idea that he would run into the AP (or his vehicle) I would have prevented it as best I could. I know we live in the same city, but it’s a huge city with millions of people and we have successfully avoided him all this time. Maybe it was naive to think we could continue to avoid seeing him/running into him. Oh my God.

I should probably just pack up what’s left of my stuff now. What’s the point? This is never going to work. I was so stupid to think it might. That we might make it past this. So stupid and unrealistic.

This need to run and hide lead to your affair.

Do not leave your husbands side right now. Shore him up. You are his wife. Do not abandon him.

First of all, I’m so very sorry for you both.

Your H is right, needs an attorney. He needs to consult and have assistance in navigating the complicated maze that is the justice system.

I’m sure you are exhausted and scared right now. He’s scared and embarrassed. Be kind to each other. I’m sure you feel defeated but don’t Be defeatist. His brother loves him and if he just found out. He may feel anger towards you. But if he loves and respects your H, and his actions seem to show that, he will continue to do so.

Deal with what’s in front of you. Try not to spin into all of the possible scenarios that will result in failure. Get strong and go do what you can to help.

I’m sure that it will be very hard to tell your mother. I would confirm with you H, but there seems no way around that now.. But you can do it. Because right now, before it gets any further your mom needs to know That she is a pawn in some manipulative shit. And that AP is out of everyone’s lives forever. No more facade. No more empathy, close ranks on that piece of crap.

Hang in there. Don’t give into the fear.

[This message edited by redrock at 12:36 PM, February 11th (Sunday)]

Oh, honey —good. It sounds so much better in morning (afternoon?) light than it did last night. He sounds like he’s okay —and okay with YOU, though understandably tired and overwhelmed.

Yes—he absolutely needs an attorney.

How are you?

Thank you all for your kind words...and you’re all right. I need to encourage him, support him. We need each other.

I’m doing okay, I think. Trying not to let the pessimistic thoughts overwhelm me. Trying to remember that he does love me. That we have survived worse that what happened yesterday. Maybe we will look back on this one day decades from now and laugh? It’s definitely not funny right now, though.

In case he changes his mind, I’m going to cook for him anyway. I’m not going to force it on him or anything, but just want to have it ready. Surely a home-cooked meal is a huge step up from jail food (if he even ate anything while he was there).

My brother offered to tell my mother about the A for me. He’s so sweet. I’m very tempted to let him do it. But I think it’s only fair if I do it myself (if my husband is okay with it).

But not today. I can’t handle it. Too much drama already for one weekend. I just want peace and quiet today.

Be sure to tell your Mom soon.

You do not want him going over there anymore.

Tell her about how he thinks it is funny that he had sex with you.

Do start protecting your H and stop protecting the OM.

If he files charges against your husband, your H could get into big trouble. Help your H get an attorney. too bad you can not accuse the OM of something to get him to drop the charges.

While ya'll are learning more about our remarkable justice system, maybe you should investigate what kinds of legal options are available to you concerning your former wannabe rapist/employer.

Not to overwhelm the two of you, but once you find out how tolerable jail is compared to being chumped...well... I kinda wonder what's likely going thru your hubby's mind now that he's actually crossed that line of "speaking his mind" with his fists somewhat...

I'm not really a good example of physical conflict, myself. I've always had to rely on supernatural adjudication, even though most people don't even BELIEVE in such options nowadays. That's not to say that I don't have a history of confronting people face-to-face, however...quite the contrary, in fact.

But maybe you'd be interested in some of my stories about the Lord taking up my defense on certain remarkable occasions...I just don't usually bother throwing those pearls of mine before scoffers and people who aren't going to even mentally "test drive" the concepts that I'm sharing where my own personal experiences with miracles are concerned. I've gotten weary of people's "better wisdom" than mine when I'm speaking from MY OWN personal experiences.

In any case, thank you so very much for sharing these updates here. Whether HE eats your cooking or NOT, I agree with your point about showing your love to him nonetheless, as long as he doesn't feel too overridden by your gesture in doing so. Also, don't neglect to eat some much needed nourishment YOURSELF, because YOU gotta keep YOU in this game for BOTH of your..I mean..all THREE of your sakes (son included).

Oh...and I agree with what IWMGlasses said, too, btw.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 1:54 PM, February 11th (Sunday)]

I should probably just pack up what’s left of my stuff now. What’s the point? This is never going to work. I was so stupid to think it might. That we might make it past this. So stupid and unrealistic.

Why are you so determined to make this "work" and "get past it"?

You have stated that you have never loved him (but had love for him) and only got married because you got pregnant. Why keep up this charade? Both of you deserve somebody who loves them.

RubixCubed,

I am determined to make it work and to try our best to get past this because I am committed to my husband, our marriage, and our child. Because I’m the one who tore this thing apart so it is my responsibility to try to earn his trust and forgiveness again.

I wasn’t fortunate enough to have the same understanding of love that many other people have. My husband and I have a mature, genuine love for one another. It isn’t limerance. It isn’t what fairy tales and romance novels are made of. We are partners, we are friends, we are a team. There are no unicorns and there are no rainbows. There’s simply real people trying to make our way through real life.

Yes, we wed when we were blessed with the news that our precious child was to come into the world. That pregnancy, which resulted in our beautiful son, was one of the highlights of my life, for it resulted in me gaining not only my child, but my husband.

There is no charade. I have made many mistakes. I have taken my husband for granted and I have failed to understand the extent of the damage some of my choices have caused my family. I deeply regret those things and wish I could undo them. But I cannot. All I can do is continue to show my husband how grateful I am for his life and how much of an honor it is to be his wife. And how much I cherish him and will remain by his side as long as he’ll have me.

Preach IT, Sister! Got my AMEN's going right here!

You TELL IT!

Just for THAT, I've got another song or two:

Rachel Platten - Stand By You (lyric)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-urmcz2RSwI

Sara Bareilles - Brave

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUQsqBqxoR4