SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I can't imagine the fight you are doing to keep your self esteem from taking further blows. You are definitely a strong person, Done. Stronger than anyone in your town will ever know.

Now its my turn to tear up. Thanks, Lost. That means a lot. I wish I felt stronger. The past few days I've felt really down. Work stress doesn't help. Funny how the rest of your life doesn't get put on hold just because you have a personal crisis. I feel like when BH asks what's wrong or why I'm sad I shouldn't say. When I've said before it's all fine until he gets upset. Then I get my nose rubbed in it and shamed for being selfish.

Ok. Enough wallowing. Looks like the chances for rain this evening are small, so I'm going to plan on taking the girls to the park after dinner. They swing and ride their scooters while I walk laps. Hopefully my friend will go too. I was an exercise fanatic for years before dday and am finding it so hard to get back into the groove. I always feel better when I'm active.

What are you ladies doing to take care of yourself?

Fellow WWs. The shame can be overwhelming.

I don't post much - I do more lurking right now but this thread really hit me hard.

Bless you all. This is NOTHING easy about this. I am a breast cancer survivor and would rather go through all that crap again then live this nightmare I created.

No Soliciting.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:04 PM, August 11th (Thursday)]

Done, I hope you are having a better day today. you know I use to live in a very small town, and I know how it is when there is a piece of juicy gossip spreading around. I've been the center of that type of nonsense myself. Being the new girl then getting myself into a situation. Ugh. Not too much you can do until the next person stirs up something worth talking about..But I truly think you need to get out there anyway and now it's going to have to be in new ways, do find them. Not long after Dday I had to go to a bday party that consisted of only my BHs family and every single person there knew what I had done. I was still heavy in my shame and having to face them, damn it was scary AND I had to go without my BH not to mention it was the first time I was facing them since. I was thinking of every way I could excuse myself from the party. But in the end I had to tell myself to face the fear and shame. Only way to get through it.

I would encourage you to think differently about this statement.

Some days I feel as there is no redemption. Never. Especially not for us women.

First about the redemption. yes yes yes there is redemption. repeat that lady! Maybe not now or any time soon. But by making core changes and never subjecting yourself again. Yes, redemption for the only two people who it ever really matters. You and your husband. Second. and I don't know how to put this any other way.."not for us women"..fuck that That's the negative thinking I am talking about. Girls, I was the queen of that crap, it took a little time but once I stopped with all the negativity, I'm telling ya, it's like a weight has lifted, idk how to explain it but I'm better because of it. life in general feels better.

And Done, I'm sure we can all agree we need more good girls in our lives. unfortunately for me, by the time I weeded out all of my bad girl friends I was left with no one. And it's not like the playground anymore, its harder to make friends these days. She could end up being your biggest witness to how you've changed. If she goes walking with you today tell her how you feel and I am sure she will relieve you of your worry and then it's one less thing you are worrying about. Like we need anything else.

Then I get my nose rubbed in it and shamed for being selfish.

You know, we have to take a lot of hurtful things in the aftermath. My God, the tears I've cried over all the hurtful things he's said and done. All while having to understand where its coming from so that it does not impact our feelings towards them or resentments. Tell him anyway though, he needs to hear you're sad over what you've done to him and the M. His anger is going to come out anyway.

I know it's hard more so for us women to not care what people think about us. Since I can remember I've cared in some way or another. And the world only pounds into our heads even more. And it was more than the things that I had done but the way I looked and the clothes I wore, constantly comparing. Story Time: I had the same bf k-5 yep boy crazy since kindergarten. any way in 5th grade he broke up with me for a girl with a cute blonde bob and bigger boobs than any 5th grader should have! (im still waiting to bloom) what did I do? stuffed my bra and dyed my brunette locks blonde and chopped off my booty length hair! did nothing to get him back but ever since I've put more thought into my hair than I ever should have. It became my security blanket. Years later I grew it back out because long hair had a certain X factor it was sexy and womanly and kept it that way for a long time because I wanted both men and women to think of me that way. My point of that story is that after Dday I only wanted to care what I thought about myself and this time I chopped off my booty length hair for me and found that I was still sexy and womanly, big shocker It also paved the way to let go more of not only my skewed line of thinking but others thoughts, opinions and expectations. I don't think we can escape it all together but we can ease the hold it has on us for sure. If you tell yourself something long enough it's possible that you'll start believing it. You know, fake it til you make it.

Lost, I'm really happy that I was able to help out. you are so right that we can give out advice all day long but when it comes to taking that same advice and applying it to ourselves...yeah not always as easy. We need reminders we need help, the makers of this site obviously saw the need for that kind of support. And then this particular thread, I really dig it.

I was very much like you, Lost, avoiding certain types of shows, my go to was hgtv. But, you know what? I soon realized that I was following the same type of pattern that I was trying to break free of, Avoidance. Yeah it was a different kind but still the same, avoiding these feelings and thoughts. You call it a safe haven, I was thinking at the time sheltered. And that is not the way I wanted to live any aspect of my life. And another thing that has helped relieve my shame and personal triggers was desensitizing myself to these feelings but without losing the importance of them. And I did that by not limiting what I watched. where I went or who I happened to see. If a show was broadcasting infidelity so be it. Take a look around its freakin everywhere! no escape. If my BH could handle a movie or show with that crap in it, so could I. And now I feel very little seeing it, I think though I'll always feel a twinge of guilt or wonder how that scene just made my hubby feel (though we have been watching a British show called Midsomer Murders, someone is sleeping around in almost every episode and when a cheater is whacked he's like "hell yeah serves you right!" so I kinda know how he feels). But it doesn't send my thoughts or feelings spiraling down like it once did.

What I ended up doing this morning was writing down who the woman is that I am working to become, and asked myself how she would tackle today

I think this is great, and think I should be doing the same, asking how she would handle things. I feel I've come a loooong way so far, but I've not conquered my old thought process completely. Sometimes I find I am still selfish and try to justify certain actions or inaction like letting down my damn wall, honestly, I've put that on hold for the time being.

MBS, I agree, we all agree, it ain't easy! You're not that far out from your Dday, but it will get better and easier. It's all so overwhelming in the beginning. Hang in there. Each day that passes it gets better, you'll see. wishing you lots of strength and peace.

here's to a beautiful day ladies!

[This message edited by foreverlabeled at 2:28 PM, August 10th (Wednesday)]

MBS5660

i've watched those. maybe 99 more times and the message will sink in :)

forever,

thanks for your reply. this part really spoke to me.

Yes, redemption for the only two people who it ever really matters. You and your husband.

another topic - coping. i'm having a hard time moving on when i feel wronged by bh. i kept thinking to myself, "he's acted this way for years. why does it hurt so much more now?" it hit me like a ton of bricks. then when i felt used,abused, dismissed, disregarded, i would just go have sex with whatever ap it was at the time and i felt better. now i just have to take it. sit in it. do i not know how to feel ok on my own?

Dday was in early April 2016 and me and BS have come a long ways. He's in IC and I was too until recently my IC just dropped me. I had an appointment scheduled the other day and I reached out to her to confirm she said no we weren't meeting anymore and that someone would be contacting me about continuing therapy. Wth?! As if I don't already feel like shit. I struggle with depression, bipolar, anxiety, and very low self esteem. I'm on medication but it doesn't always feel like its helping. But my IC dropping me makes me feel like they are telling me nothings wrong and I dint need help. I sm nit going to say I have no one to turn to BC I do. My BH is there for me and wants me to open up to him about how I'm feeling and what "we" can do to help me feel better. Thus us difficult for me BC if all people he shouldn't be there, but he is. He loves me and I love him. I feel so much shame and guilt for hurting him. He told me he'll forgive me for the A when I can forgive myself. I cry everytime I think about that. How can I forgive myself for this. This is the worst thing I've ever done. Its unforgivable. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel lost.

MrsH

Everyone makes mistakes. The real crime comes in not learning and growing from them. So long as you are wallowing in your guilt, you cannot move on. You cannot become the best version of you until you forgive yourself.

ETA:

Don't try to assume that you know why the therapist dropped you. It could literally be anything.

[This message edited by donewiththatlife at 7:28 PM, August 11th (Thursday)]

Thank you donewiththatlife. I'm just having a hard time with how to forgive myself. I thought therapy was helping but I guess not.

MrsH,

Definitely do not give up on therapy. Could you call the therapist and ask her if she can refer you to someone if she isn't able to see you? It is a professional courtesy for her to do, so I promise it isn't unheard of or wrong of you to ask her this and for her to have some answers.

Also, I know the shame spiral all too well, and I usually give myself a few minutes to feel it, and then I think about how it is my job to "do". And I'm definitely not going to "do" it all right, but nothing is going to stop me from working on myself and being who I can be proud of being. Same for you!! Read foreverlabeled's posts again. (I would like to have a pocket sized foreverlabeled to carry around with me, or take whatever vitamins she is taking) You have already made so much growth. I'm telling you this, but it's important that you tell yourself that, too. Take some time to recharge. You and I like our lists and I actually made a list of things that help me recharge, from things that take minimal effort like watching something on Netflix and eating ice cream, to yoga, to going for a run (which is more like jogging, walking a few steps, stumbling around, and just so much sweat). This is putting the face mask on yourself before putting it on the person next to you. You are worth it to your BH. Show him that he is worth it to you by taking care of yourself in healthy, non ego kibble seeking ways, which I figure goes without saying, so that you can be strong and be with him in the healing.

The shame and guilt rob us, and we have wasted enough time, you know? It's clear that you see the gravity of your actions, so now it's time to turn your attention and your thoughts to something new-healing.

Lost, but you are taking the same vitamin, it's vitamin R (reality)! And I can't agree even more with you about not always doing it right both for yourself and the M.. I kinda have a confession to make, which will lead into what Done, touched on about the way her BH has been for years.

So, if you girls have been following along with my story and read my damn wall post, then you'll know I was/am having to set conditions for R as well. I lied and justified my lie about what my BH did to me. I didn't want to paint him out to be a bad guy after regretting bringing it up here in the first place. And in the moment I felt I would feel better about venting getting it off my chest and all. But for whatever reason I didn't, I felt guilty for it. The truth is that he did hit me. He didn't punch me or slap me, but he freakin headbutted me! Dazed the crap outta me and I fell flat on my ass. Anyway I've been pretty quiet around here lately trying to sort through the emotions that came with that. I've reached a better place now with no thanks to him. Because he tried to justify it himself. made excuses minimized all that jazz, though it was mixed with what appeared to be grief over what he did..idk it was confusing. I ended up telling him I don't care what he thought if he wanted to stay the course it couldn't happen again and it's been left there.

Now, yes it was the first time he's ever done anything like that, better be the last too, I am trying to be very forgiving because he's showing me the same after the extreme emotional abuse I've put him through. But it got me thinking about this concept I read about called a love bank. And you are either making deposits or withdraws into your spouses bank, right now we are both pretty much in the negative. And any deposits we are making into each others account right now feels like chump change. But it also got me thinking more about the history of us. I do believe that I have rewritten our history or have exaggerated the "withdraws" but you know what? Not with every thing. Done, my BH has also always been somewhat a jerk and if you asked him he would agree. But he would also say that I am too sensitive and take everything so personal (this was our convo last night) And I brought up the love bank, and said well maybe if it were fuller all the mean things you say to me wouldn't hit so damn hard and feel so personal, when you're constantly taking. Of course I probably didn't do such a great job filling his bank over the years either. And did a "fine" job of bankrupting him. I told him of course that I don't expect him to be incredibly intentional in our love at the moment. Just something to think about.

now i just have to take it. sit in it. do i not know how to feel ok on my own?

Even though we can do things to make each other feel better, bring happiness and love, you will have to feel ok on your own. Me too, I am not there yet and maybe you aren't either but I know it's important to get there. I've had this convo here, and our core happiness starts with us. Its dangerous and foolish to rely on others to feed us what we should be feeding ourselves.

It's said that working on the M is put on hold, until we get our shit together. What a marvelous idea and I agree with that. Makes sense to wait until you have two healthy folks in a relationship. Yeah it's tough, especially with the new emotions and the roller coaster that our BH is riding. Doesn't make it so easy on us. And both the BH and WW are hypersensitive to just about every thing. We are not quite in a healthy mindset yet, it's easy to revert to the old thinking. and basically, yeah we have to take it and sit in it. be sad about everything. we are going to feel doomed and like all is hopeless. But a time will come when you will be able to voice your concern about the state of the M old habits and attitudes. We will have the chance to fix the M the way we should have instead of cheating. And no one says you have to stay in the new M if it's not working out for you. But you should be willing if you're really in it to R, to wait for that time to come.

Mrs. H, be easy on yourself. The cocktail you are struggling with has got to be tough on top of all the other ugly feelings we struggle with. You are striving for a better you, it's not going to happen over night! And boy if my BH told me he would forgive me once I forgave myself, that is where most of my energy would be going to. Just to be told those words true or not waaay deep down, would make it all seem so much better. more manageable. And even for the sake of your own mental stability you're better off finding that forgiveness for yourself. I know it's a horrible, gawd awful thing we did but it doesn't define us. And if you can honestly tell yourself that you're doing the work to never bring this pain upon your BH again, then you can work and make grand leaps to forgiving yourself.

Have a good weekend every one!

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. BH is out tonight and he ran into one of my old APs. Fuck.

FL - I think I remember you posting and me thinking that he had been physical.

I don't know how to work on me without working on the M. My self-esteem is non existent. Wednesday BH dismissed and disregarded my opinion in a parenting issue. I felt like I was nothing. The dynamic in the marriage has to change.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. Are they supposed to just get away with murder because they are healing? When we have an issue unrelated to the affair, does BH always get to have his way? That dynamic has been hurting our marriage for years. Don't we both have to work?

ETA - he needs more time to heal before he can care about me. It's just he is so loving and then when I try to assert myself it all goes out the window. I'm so confused.

[This message edited by donewiththatlife at 3:24 PM, August 13th, 2016 (Saturday)]

Lost, you have always been such a help. Thank you. I did reach out to the counseling director and I guess my therapist retired. Ok, just understand why she didn't just tell me that instead of making me feel unwanted and unfixable. A new therapist is suppose to be reaching out to me in a week so we'll see. It is a male therapist and my BH is uncomfortable with that but the female therapist have a full case load. BC if my insurance its hard to find people that accept it.

My BH therapist asked to meet with me, I saw her yesterday. She was great , I was actually jealous. We had a nice talk about how I feel about mine and H relationship and what was going on with me. I hope it will help her to help my H in future sessions but who knows. I talked to BH about our session so we just have to wait and see.

My main problem is its hard for me to be proactive. If there is something I want to change or do I need to just do it. Right?! Right!

Foreverlabeled

Physical abuse is never ok. Although usually this soon after d day BH can't really manage non affair issues yet, I recommend you say this can never happen again and stick to whatever consequence you come up with if it reoccurs.

DWTL, no they should not get away with murder after d day. It can be pretty harsh at times. How far out are you? I am 18 mo out from d day. We have intermittently talked about marriage issues for maybe six months. Nothing too deep or heavy. It seems for others on SI that if a couple is in R, the marriage issues might start to get consistently addressed at about two years out. I would say this seems true.

When my husband would go overboard in addressing something, I would say something like I am going to have to stop you right there. I would say, I am willing to talk about xyz, but the name calling, etc, isn't ok. If he pushed I would say, let me know when you want to discuss something bc this isn't helping and I would go do something in another room until he was ready. Sometimes he would not be ready for a few days. It was hard to do and wait and think, he is going to leave now BC I said that. Usually though, we ended up having better discussions after.

If you are less than a year from d day, I would take it one day at a time. Anything more is overwhelming and the first year has many ups and downs. Take care of yourself in healthy ways. Read a lot. Listen to BH a lot. Be patient. Learn to live without instant gratification.

Story in profile.

Have had a pretty rough go the last few days. I feel like I'm holding on by a thread. We are supposed to take the girls to the middle school for registration this afternoon. I want to back out so badly, but I want to be there with them more. It has been especially bad today (called me the c-word). I don't know if we are going to make it. I've been with him since I was 16. This is so hard.

sorry (((Done)))

I know it's hard. and I say this from the bottom of my heart with kindness..You can leave the relationship, it sounds like you really don't want it to come to that. It's a wonderful thing when we are offered the gift of R. And I am sure you are grateful even in your struggle. But nowhere does it say we have to be a floor mat and put up with abusive behavior.

The healthier I become the more I can see the unhealthy dynamics in my M that I couldn't or didn't notice before or even what I would allow that I know I can't allow going into the new M. The both of us will have to do things differently. Even though it's gotten pretty bad in the aftermath, I want so badly to see if we can make something better going forward. There have been times that I would think I can't do this anymore but then I think about how many times he's thought that in the last 6 months.. it's tricky and hard and lots of emotions scattered in every which way. Lots of healing left for me and him. Same goes for you.

And you don't have to wait to start working on everything. I think it's perfectly acceptable to ask him to quit with that kind of language. Each and every time. I would ask him what he thinks R looks like for him and you then you tell him what it looks like to you. Communication is something that everyone can certainly begin to work on now. Something that seems so easy yet for many, myself included, it's hard. And at the moment for us a lot of it is one sided. I'll express something to him and no matter, if it can, my A will be thrown in my face, if not its well how do you think I feel. I tell him I know and that I am sorry for xyz but the thing is he can't unhear what I just said. I know I was heard and it's bouncing around in his head. That's usually the best it gets at the moment. And I'm okay with it because sometimes he takes it to heart. Wishing you lots of peace Done.

FL,

Thanks so much for responding. It's been a hard day. It just feels like so often the sentiment around here is to take everything they dish out. I feel like the dynamic was/is so unhealthy. It has to stop.

Listen I know our BHs are entitled to their anger and have every right to let it be known to us. But you're right it does have to stop when it crosses over to abuse. Not that the anger needs to be done away with just the abusive part. And you can express this to him with the right approach and timing is important as well. I hope that you will.

How is everyone?

Things aren't good here but I'm doing a better job of controlling my emotions. I will choose to behave in a dignified manner. Trying to let go of the outcome.

Hi ladies.

Hugs to all.

The anger stage, which comes and goes, but is probably the worst for about six months, is really hard. I think it is especially hard BC everything said is truly meant unlike with previous marital conflicts.

I would say when there is name calling, say something like, I am willing to talk, but i can't if you are calling me names. Or I can understand why you are calling me that and that you are angry. Validating the feeling, even though the name calling isn't ok, may help a bit to diffuse the anger. And if you need to take space to feel ok or safe, gently ask for it and offer to talk later.

GENTLY: In the first year, some of the best things you can do is listen, reassure them, and use your actions to show them. A lot of what you say early on will not be believed. Spend time near BH, even if they don't want to talk. I would not expect them to listen to much about anything you have to say about the relationship for at least a year. Credibility is gone. Listen to what they need and provide it if you want to R. Take care of them and learn to take care of yourself in healthy ways. And no pity party about yourself to BH. This will just slow their healing down. Yes you are in pain. I am 19 months out and I think my husband is just starting to see the smallest sliver of my pain....maybe. He is supportive again of me about other things but consequences of A on my end are still mostly mine alone to deal with.

Read and follow How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. If you think any of it is BS, you have not yet fully realized the depth of your actions. To change that I would focus on how your BH feels and how to help BH. This was hard for me BC I couldn't be my old selfish self with my thoughts saying in the background, but yes, what about MEEEE?

Be gentle but honest with yourselves and early on take it one hour or day at a time.

Sadlady,

your advice is extremely appreciated. Seriously, thank you for taking time to share your experience. I have basically just been listening to my gut in figuring out what to do, and it's good to know that my gut, which I had been ignoring for so long with my affairs and lies, will still work with me and give me mostly good guidance.

I do want to know if any WW's family members reached out to their BH to support him at all? I had talked with my parents several times about how difficult of a time he is having and to send him a text or whatever they would like to show him they care, and not much has happened. I think that they care about him because he is important to me and a good man, and I know that they care about me and I'm their "little girl/sister" so I'm not sure what to do. I had a conversation with my mom months ago about how I felt like she didn't treat him like family, and her response was that he was my husband and didn't really know him. My BH and I are in limbo, so any type of sit down and talk all together I don't think would work.

Has anyone had experience with this? My family has helped me to recharge so that I am able to be with my BH and push myself to be more assertive, and they are a source of support. I think I just need to know if anyone has had success talking with family about supporting BH.