I reject responsibility for his beliefs about his own infidelity-related feelings.
I reject the idea that because he doesn’t want to share them, that I must not have created a safe enough space for him.
I have responded with compassion and attempts to comfort him in every instance where he has directly verbalized his feelings to me that I can recall. I can’t make him update his mental model with the data, no matter how consistent the data is. Frustration with the conversational structure, manipulation tactics, secret conversations, and toxic behavior is not the same as not being able to tolerate his feelings, nor is it not wanting to hear them.
I do not control how he interprets my responses. If he comes away from interactions with me or from reading my posts with the exact opposite of what I said/meant/intended, that isn’t necessarily my fault. As I stated, more words are clearly not going to help the situation. I am no longer attempting to convince him that I care about his infidelity-related feelings. If he wants to continue convincing himself that I don’t, I didn’t cause that, and that’s not my problem to solve.
If he pressures me to pivot away from what I planned on doing on a given day based on his moment-to-moment feelings, I will assess 1) whether his grievance is accurate, and 2) whether it’s prudent for me pivot. If the answer to both questions is "no," then I will not pivot. I will maintain my boundaries and do what needs to be done, without self abandoning. I refuse to be manipulated into managing his feelings for him, only to be punished the next day for the thing that got deprioritized. If he interprets that protective boundary as me not caring,
I’m not going to try to convince him otherwise. I didn’t cause that interpretation and it’s not my problem to solve.
If something is clearly bothering him because his whole demeanor has changed, and after asking him ONCE if something is up, he denies that anything is wrong, I will allow him to stew in his feelings. I will not accept responsibility for reverse-engineering them and soothing them if he refuses to talk about them, nor the punishment he doles out for not doing so. I will physically separate myself from him in those moments to keep our moods distinct from one another. I refuse to be violated with that kind of energy. If he interprets that as not caring, I didn’t cause that. That’s not my problem to solve.
If he bottles up his feelings and they start leaking out sideways into normal marital interactions, such that he’s engaging in manipulation tactics, extreme defensiveness, or disproportionate emotional intensity, and/or such that we start having those secret conversations to which I’m neither privy nor consenting, and he denies that there’s anything further going on beneath the surface, I will end the interaction, because I will not accept that kind of treatment. If he interprets that boundary as me not caring or not wanting to hear his feelings, I didn’t cause that. That’s not my problem to solve.
If he wants to twist up reality and the timelines and causal relationships between his feelings and what actually happened, I’ll correct him once, but I will not argue with him about it. I will not gather evidence and cling to Reality anchors that he rejects so vehemently because they are incongruent with the narratives he builds up in his mind. I know what happened and I am letting go of the need to defend it. If that results in unfair perceptions about me as a wife and built up resentment inside him, I did not cause that and it’s not my problem to solve.
My self-worth is no longer tied to his volatile moods and his unreliable perceptions of me.
I have already felt so much better with just implementing the not-pivoting part. The household is being better managed (whether he notices or not.) I feel less stressed. I’ve spent more quality time with my daughter. I started learning jiujitsu, and it’s a good workout. I’ve been eating better. I spend as much time caring for our pets as is necessary without guilt. I’m meeting my work responsibilities better. I’m getting enough sleep. I even got all of my school work submitted on time this week, unlike last semester where I was constantly three weeks behind and stressed out about whether I was going to pass because I kept pivoting every time there was pressure. I still have not made friends, but I’m starting to feel like a whole person for the first time in a very long time.
