SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hating the AP is 100% normal. But also not useful. The AP is scum. But they did not make vows or commitments to you.
It takes time, but don’t let them live in your headspace rent free. They don’t deserve it.

This is MUCH easier said than done, but it’s true. She’s horrible, but your WS is the one who cheated ON YOU.
So hate her, but don’t put too much energy into that.

Hating the AP is 100% normal. But also not useful. The AP is scum. But they did not make vows or commitments to you.
It takes time, but don’t let them live in your headspace rent free. They don’t deserve it.

This is MUCH easier said than done, but it’s true. She’s horrible, but your WS is the one who cheated ON YOU.
So hate her, but don’t put too much energy into that.

Totally agree bearlybreathing. I'll try my best to not let her live in my headspace rent free. Believe me, my WS is paying for what he did with many, many, many conversations and much lost sleep. What frustrates me is I can't make her pay. But you are right. I will try to get her out of my head.

So I’ve been around the block with "she’s just a friend" routine. I like Bigger’s stance: you can have all the female friends you want. Just not as my H lol.

1stWife you are absolutely right.
Point in case, I have a lot of female friends: Guess what? They are all my wife's friends. And we meet them with my wife present. And I'd never meet them alone for a "fake date" or a party. Not because I was ever afraid to be tempted or she was jealous. Because friends share emotions, and if a female is sharing her emotions with me, my partner must be in the loop, present. No emotional energy is (or better was, as current state of things) going out from me towards another female without my partner participating.

Is just how things go wrong, or get awkward.

So hate her, but don’t put too much energy into that.

This is true. She is a worm like every OM/OW who messes with other people's relationships. She is disgusting and is normal you hate her.
Also she is not worthy your energy, hate her, but like a bug, gives you the ick, but it does not matter.

Maybe you’re worried her husband will dump her, and she’ll be more available for your husband, and more aggressive.

You know what?

You might as well find that out, and sooner is better than later.

Former people person... I really don't think that is my issue. Her husband and I let my WS and AP travel together two weekends a month. We were so blind I can't even get over it. He told me they slept in separate hotel rooms and went their separate ways during the conferences. This was true, but he neglected to tell me that she would stop by his hotel room at the end of the night. I have a hard time imagining how now that he won't be traveling with her and she is not working for his company anymore, that she could be more available. But I guess anything is possible. Just not my reason for not wanting to tell her spouse.

[This message edited by 456tree456 at 7:48 PM, Thursday, January 22nd]

So sorry this happened to you.

Get Individual Counseling, it really helped me.

Don't speak to OW, nothing good can come from talking to her.

Get "How to help your spouse heal from your affair". Short book, read it and give it to your husband.

I highly doubt that. What exactly did you lose over those 5 years? Your sense of safety, security, trust, husband, and your sense of what's even real anymore? You just had your whole world shattered. Do you also sympathize with your H for losing his love affair of 5 years? Jobs can be replaced. She jeopardized that on her own through her actions.

Thank you Porge. Don't need to feel sorry for her. Changing my perspective.

That said, I get hating the AP. I do, believe me. I hate my wife's former AP more than I've ever hated anyone, and I've never even met him. I could gleefully break all of his fingers and smash his face without even a twinge of guilt, but that'd only buy me a small, cold room with metal bars for a view. That doesn't let my wife off the hook tho. AP never made a promise to protect my heart and love and cherish only me. She did. This is on her.

Betrayals like this are traumatizing. I've lost loved ones and it didn't hurt like this. I'm not exaggerating when I say this is the most painful thing I've ever experienced and I've been around for a while. So no, I really doubt she's hurting more than you. She wasn't betrayed by the one person who was trusted more than anyone on this planet.

I'm glad you hear me. I can fuss at my WS all day long if I want to. When I can't sleep, I wake him up and he knows I'm suffering. I'm having a hard time finding a channel for my anger with her. There is no closure. I thank you for affirming my pain. That betrayals are traumatizing and she's not hurting more than me.

[This message edited by 456tree456 at 7:50 PM, Thursday, January 22nd]

What frustrates me is I can't make her pay. But you are right. I will try to get her out of my head.

This was hard for me, too. AP is single, and got off basically scott-free, but I've done a pretty good job of thinking of him as some dog dung I scraped from the bottom of my shoe. I got most of it off, but every once in a while that odor lingers a little from some bits that I guess are still stuck in the treads.

What I don't do, and have never done, is lurk on his social media or anything. I'm not saying you're doing that, but I know some BS' here that have done that. It's just unnecessary pain shopping. Like you, we've managed to cut him pretty cleanly from our lives.

[This message edited by Pogre at 7:50 PM, Thursday, January 22nd]

Betrayals like this are traumatizing. I've lost loved ones and it didn't hurt like this

I found the betrayal hurt so much because when you lose a loved one, that usually was not their choice, they got ill, or had an accident, but to betray your spouse is a conscious decision, they decided to do it. Also when you lose a loved one you can often share that grief with others around you such as family members, being betrayed is a grief you face alone, and no one around you is experiencing this in the way that you are.

As for the anger issues, when I was going through the same thing I read on this forum that directing the anger towards the AP is a way of your mind managing the anger you feel rather than directing it towards your spouse, who you clearly still have feelings for. By directing all of your anger initially at the AP your mind can slowly direct it where it also belongs with your spouse, but do this in smaller manageable steps.