It's very noble and empathetic of you to think of her feelings above your own. She suffered losing her job from engaging in an affair. You didn't make either one of them participate, so you have no blame in this game. You are the victim. She isn't a victim, and neither is your husband.
Let me spell this out for you. YOU DO NOT OWE HER THE TIME OF DAY, MUCH LESS YOUR SYMPATHY. Your husband and her both knew what they were doing. They could genuinely be sorry for their actions, but that does't negate the damage it's done to your well being or your marriage. The infidelity will leave scars that take years to heal if they heal at all.
You had a right to be safe, loved, to have trust, communication and not be lied to, betrayed, or neglected. You didn't sign up to be his second choice.
Actions come with consequences. I would 100% let her husband know. He is living in the same hell you are. He may not be a great husband, he may be abusive or that could all be a smoke screen to distract from infidelity. She can be protected by a restraining order or the police. That's their job to protect her, not yours.
Do what feeds your soul, but don't allow yourself to feel sorry for either of them. FAFO (F around, find out) is valid, and they did just that. Many times affairs aren't a regret until they're caught and the bill for it comes. Think logically on it. They weren't concerned at any junction.
Someone spelled it out for me once. So many steps where they could have done the right thing and said no.
1. The first email, phone call or text that was flirty or an invite.
2. Responding to #1
3. Making plans to act on 1&2.
4. Walking out the door and knowing they were getting in the car to go to xxx place to meet. Knowing you were not aware and having no regret.
5. Getting out of the car at a restaurant, their apartment, house, or hotel and meeting up with them.
6. The first time they hugged, kissed or worse, then coming home to sleep next to you.
7. The first time they came home and lied about 1-6, then still didn't stop or regret their actions because they didn't get caught.
8. All the times you suspected and they made you feel stupid, crazy, but your intuition was 100% correcct. You trusted them, and they proved why you shouldn't have.
9. The moment you can't deny that they betrayed you, and they make excuses, or keep lying in hopes you give up asking.
10. The undeniable truth comes out, and your world falls apart while they go about life as though it's "no big deal".
You feel broken but they're the broken ones. We try to create coping mechanisms, rumminate, try to rationalize how they could do what they did. We can't find wrap our heads around what happened, because we have a conscience and wouldn't do it to them. This is the difference. We aren't like them.
Give yourself time and put the blame where it belongs. You don't feel sorry for a bank robber that gets caught. Remember to hold your head up. This is a reflection of THEM, not you.
