SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

That all being said, she still has personal issues that she likely won’t ever address but as they say, recovery is a marathon not a sprint.

When you talk about recovery, are you speaking about her growth, or that the towel is back on the towel rack?

or that the towel is back on the towel rack?

As This0is0fine mentioned in an earlier post, he was done for now but he is R’d. I always said if I saw progress I’d stick it out. When we talked last night she seems a little different, but for her to confess to our youngest son whom she adores, she risked his love for her and that does say something to me. He has walked away from her, and he’s not responding to my text request either. I’d say he’s having trouble coping with the news. My wife is now fully feeling the consequences of her actions and she’s being forced to deal with them. There’s no running away from it now.

I always said if I saw progress I’d stick it out.

Any progress? Like you are going to commit your life to this if she does anything every now and again? I hope that is not true. You are inviting manipulation with a bar that low.

Man, hold that anger and conviction for a while. Take a trial separation and see how it fits you. You are more important than your relationship with her.

Yet here I am, happily R'd. Not after accepting her crumbs and walk backs, but after taking a decisive stand in terms of what exactly are the wants, needs, and goals here.

I agree with her, you know. If she won't meet your needs, you should leave. So she isn't exactly wrong here.

Did you write out your needs, wants, and goals in your marriage as part of your attempt at R? It's hard to go back and check your old threads. I found that incredibly helpful.

Are you actually going to file for divorce, or are you just "done" right now?

If you are going to emulate this/fine, you need follow what he actually did. He took a decisive stand rather than just trust that things were going to be better. He didn’t accept the bread crumbs. You may think this is some major league breakthrough in telling her son, but it’s something that should have happened a long time ago. He probably has seen the dynamic between you and her and had to have surely questioned it.

Aside from once again hoping she will change, how will you hold her feet to the fire to make sure she does change? Unfortunately I don’t think you will, but hoping I’m wrong.

So I reached out to my son in case he needed to talk. He didn’t respond for the entire day but when he did, he unloaded his mother’s version of what went down. This is something we should have done together for accuracy but alas that’s not how it went down. She told him that after DDay I would throw the affair in her face once a month. What that actually was was me asking her what work she’d been doing (which was nothing) but she always viewed that as an attack. He’s calling me a liar because for 3-1/2 years we kept it from him. I wanted to tell them immediately but was coerced to keep quiet to save the relationship. I should have taken a stronger stance. I now feel like she threw me under the bus to make herself look like the victim here. This changes my impression of her accountability quite a bit. I think today we need to talk about what she wants in the settlement to see if we can end this relationship amicably without getting attorneys involved. I don’t want to hate her moving forward, especially with our son’s wedding coming up in 7 months. Isn’t infidelity just a wonderful thing.

Hang in there and don’t beat yourself up. Your WW has a real problem with taking responsibility for her actions and being honest. Of course she tried to paint herself as the victim. Keep moving forward. You and your son will get through this.

He’s calling me a liar because for 3-1/2 years we kept it from him. I wanted to tell them immediately but was coerced to keep quiet to save the relationship.

If he's getting married, I assume that he's old enough to get a big dose of truth here. Given what your WW has done, damaging your standing with your son, I advise you lay it all out for him, maybe even send him here to show him the receipts now that you are in a "he said, she said" situation. In my situation, I view my relationships with my kids as precious above all. If my stbxw were to strike there, it would blow up all good will for me.

I now feel like she threw me under the bus to make herself look like the victim here. This changes my impression of her accountability quite a bit.

Plainly, she has no accountability. She tried to get ahead of the narrative and make herself the victim. What you hoped was happening, the thing that just convinced you to put the towel back on the rack, it never happened. You might want to go see what she spun to her sister, but anyone want to take bets on that?

I hope you save yourself.

I'm really sorry your W lied to your son and that he believed her. I don't know if talking with him will help rebuild your relationship - she got there first and set the terms of any dialog.

And I hope you no longer see her 'confession' as 'progress.'

I'm really sorry your W has piled this injury on the injuries she has already inflicted upon you.

If this doesn't kill your hopes for R, what do you need to take action to get a better life for yourself? If you don't have a good answer to that question, a good IC can help.

I'm not saying that D is the only option. I AM saying the same thing your read from TiF, Waited, etc. - taking responsibility for your life is the first step in building a good life for yourself.

Son, you have to understand your mother is a proven liar and unreliable narrator. I haven't been perfect, but I haven't cheated on her.

Copingmybest,

Tchéky Karyo in Kiss of the Dragon said: There is a time for diplomacy and a time for action. Diplomacy is dead. Your STBXW cheated, made sure no one knows about it and now made you look like the bad guy in the eyes of your son, and herself as the victim. Not saying she's the spawn of Satan but I'm definitely not saying that she's not. You have WW who is not remorseful. Prepare for war.

Given what your WW has done, damaging your standing with your son, I advise you lay it all out for him, maybe even send him here to show him the receipts now that you are in a "he said, she said" situation.

This. Your son has documentation of your struggle with your STBXWW's infidelity right here on this website.
I'm pissed for you. There's no excuse for her going to him and trying to control the narrative. None. You even gave her credit for exposing herself. She's proven, with this malicious act, that she's going to make this process difficult. No reason to be any more gracious than is absolutely necessary.
This is all on her.

Send him the links to your threads here, in chronological order.

Send him the links to your threads here, in chronological order.

Yes! Please do this Coping... plug your thread links in an email to your son and tell him to please read these links that you are CopingMyBest, and the threads document the past 3 years of what you have gone through. Tell him after he has read them you are willing to sit down with him in a private setting and answer any further questions he may have. Tell him you are willing to be an open book and maybe he can hopefully learn some things before he enters into marriage... and that you pray he never has to go through a fraction of what you've gone through.

There is nothing that makes me angrier than a WS playing the victim and most of them do it (my ex included).

They really pile this ish up in a D too. My xWS still tells the kids that I broke up the M by filing D and that makes me the worst one lol. Not how he continually nuked the M over the years.

My kids have fallen for some of it, he plays a really good victim. My daughter mostly feels sorry for him. I've had to space myself from this narrative with the ex and my kids otherwise it would drive me insane.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 8:01 PM, Thursday, October 17th]

I am sorry coping it sounds like all that happened is she wanted to get her spin on the story out there before everyone finds out you are divorcing. To me this is more about her controlling the narrative.

I know it’s hard to let go of hope because I think sometimes people think that’s when it’s truly over. But giving up hope is a way of letting yourself relax into what is.

You are a very kind and loving person. Really that is a rarity these days and a gift she didn’t appreciate. I am not saying that you couldn’t get back together with her after some true progress has been made but I have been there and change is actually very slow because it takes building on self awareness. We can only change what we are willing to acknowledge, then that leads to seeing something else and something else. It’s not going to come to anyone all at once, though some of the epiphanies can hold more gravity than others.

I do not find the accountability here yet. For her to tell your son that you threw it in her face and wouldn’t let her move on is the equivalent of complaining that you wouldn’t rugsweep. That tells me she does not yet understand the damage she inflicted on you.

I am so sorry.

CMB,
How are things with your son?