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From where I’m at now, I wonder why redemption is just not meant for my life story

IH I really hope the very best for you even if it isn’t with your WW
I have read every one of your posts and I have to say as a WW I have taken so much of value out of your story. It was the swift kick in the ass I needed to understand there is a time limit on when I can still fix things with my BH. Maybe it’s a long time, maybe a little but it did kick me into high gear of figuring it out.

Your story reminds me of the thief on the cross. Saved at the last. How many waywards can take the lessons from your story and understand there isn’t forever but there can be forgiveness

My jokes from earlier in this thread aside...it sounds to me that your STBX-WW has gotten *worse*. "Affordable mistakes"? "A little more disclosure than desired as a married woman"? Good grief!!

This could be a sign that God has someone and something much MUCH better, in store for you Friend. He may have added the extra cherry and whipped cream ontop of that dirt sundae to really drive home a point--in case you were wavering or anything like that.

I have read every one of your posts and I have to say as a WW I have taken so much of value out of your story. It was the swift kick in the ass I needed to understand there is a time limit on when I can still fix things with my BH. Maybe it’s a long time, maybe a little but it did kick me into high gear of figuring it out.

That just took me from a jovial, watching the Stanley Cup finals mood to deep tears. Thank you so so much for telling me that. Maybe the redemption that I desire so much I can trust can come in others. Thank you, that just meant the world to me. Peace and best wishes.

This could be a sign that God has someone and something much MUCH better, in store for you Friend. He may have added the extra cherry and whipped cream ontop of that dirt sundae to really drive home a point--in case you were wavering or anything like that.

You know you will never be able to counter act hikingout’s words in my ears, she is too bad ass for that. But it would take a true miracle for a turn around at this point and I feel no divine intervention on the horizon. I guess if it’s truly divine then my feeling are irrelevant, but I’m not sitting here hoping for it.

From where I’m at now, I wonder why redemption is just not meant for my life story.

Since redemption doesn't just mean saved from your own sin, but also "saved from evil," I think you have achieved redemption. Your own.

You are willing to be patient and supportive with others to see if they will redeem themselves from their own sin, but when you realize that they have no interest in this personal growth, you know when to save yourself.

You are shaking of their evil. You are redeemed.

Oh Ink. Really?? This woman just cannot get out of her own way. If ever anyone failed to see the incredible gift that was sitting right there in front of her. It’s really just sad. I am happy for you though. I totally would feel vindicated too. If I was going to step away I would want that further confirmation that I had made the right choice.

I imagine the limbo with the children is a strain. I hope that someday there is a really beautiful human being that is added to their lives that brings joy to you and your children.

It scares me a little for this to be where your journey has taken you. I saw many similarities in our situation which is a bit troubling. My husbands AP has recently reared her ugly head and he fumbled the ball but sort of got it right in the end. I’m glad you will one day be clear of all this nonsense.

Thank you for giving an update. Clearly so many people here care very much about your well-being. I feel a sense of relief that you will be safe from harm—at least back in the state of romantic play where your risk is equal to the rest of the world…not precariously vulnerable to the poor choices of a woman who does no know what she is losing. Keep on keepin on 😊

I think she still could have won you back.

My softening seems to affirm your intuition.

I would never wish anyone to experience infidelity but if she winds up sticking around with him, she may learn better what this has been like.

Or maybe he will.

Hopefully she chooses someone else though, for your kids sake.

I am grateful my kids are as old as they are. They still need raising, but for the most part they will not attach to any step-parents. What she might bring into their lives, who could say?

I am baffled by the words affordable mistakes. She blew a chance that she didn’t even see because she was distracted by said asshat. I don’t think she could afford any more mistakes, or as we call them bad decisions.

Count me similarly baffled. Baffled, but not surprised. Does that make any sense at all?

I was still rooting for her, the chump that I am.

Translated to mean: you are a romantic and have heroically retained belief in the good in people.

But maybe I just hoped you would get that happily ever after story you deserve. That’s okay, it’s just been put on pause for a woman who will come to you with stronger character.

I do hope I will find someone someday. But for now I think we all agree that I need to heal and become content with myself. That contentment is what I’m aiming for right now.

You are a true blessing from God to me, hikingout. I will forever be grateful for how our paths have crossed.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 6:01 AM, Sunday, June 16th]

The fact that she likely picked up the term "affordable mistakes" from a parenting blog is very fitting for your wife, considering that she has basically put you into a paternal role, expecting you to lead and guide her, and save her from the consequences of her own shitty choices.

You’re at peace with the choice to D now because you finally see her for who she really is and not what you hoped or imagined her to be. That’s probably the hardest part of all this for your wife.

I suppose with mechanic asshat, she can still pretend to be the tragic damsel. As I told you in one of your threads, she would only proceed with D if she had a soft place to land. That’s turned out to be true.

Fitting that she’s picked a guy who fixes broken machines for a living. Let’s see how long she’s propped up on blocks on his front lawn before he finally gets frustrated and moves on.

Lastly, I remember in one of your threads when you said I was being too harsh and too hard on your wife. You said that if I met her, I would probably like her and want to be friends with her.

Well, if how she treated her good friend when the friend told her to be honest with you is any indication, probably not.

I hope you have a Happy Father’s Day, InkHulk! I’m glad you’re finding peace and clarity.

It's funny that you say you want redemption in your life, my brother. That seems akin to asking God for patience knowing full well the path to get there.

No doubt this is a "careful what you wish for" situation. Clearly I’m not hoping for further betrayal in my life just to experience redemption, though the world has no lack of opportunities. But if I list father, mother, and spouse as the big three relationships in a person’s life, I’ve had two of those go down in flames with a person I love so much unable to come out of their shame and back into the light.
I’m not even sure where I’m going with that. It feels like it means something but I’m not sure what right now.
As for your situation, Marine, just make me a promise that you won’t get stuck, ok? Walk your path thru hell, wherever your compass points you. But where you are right now is no place to stay, so don’t get numb to that. You have my deep admiration.

Since redemption doesn't just mean saved from your own sin, but also "saved from evil," I think you have achieved redemption. Your own.

You are willing to be patient and supportive with others to see if they will redeem themselves from their own sin, but when you realize that they have no interest in this personal growth, you know when to save yourself.

You are shaking of their evil. You are redeemed.

There is something here, but I’m not exactly sure what to do with this. I suspect this is going to be rolling around in my mind for a while.

It scares me a little for this to be where your journey has taken you. I saw many similarities in our situation which is a bit troubling.

I have enjoyed the many exchanges we’ve had with the similarities in timeline and circumstance. I just want to say the same thing I did to Marine, don’t get stuck in a place you don’t want to be. OldWounds (another total badass) keeps telling us that we need to believe in ourselves, and if we can pull that off then whatever our path out of infidelity, R or D, we’ll be ok. Believe in yourself, friend. Don’t be afraid of my outcome. We all know that D is on the table with infidelity. That fear isn’t serving you well. The worst reason to stay is because you are too afraid to leave. I strongly encourage you to tackle that fear as part of your journey. I wish you so much joy and peace.

You’re at peace with the choice to D now because you finally see her for who she really is and not what you hoped or imagined her to be. That’s probably the hardest part of all this for your wife.

Well, I admit that your story was not the one I was hoping to emulate, but it sounds like we’re going to have more in common coming up here. I can only imagine that you know exactly what I’m experiencing right now.

I suppose with mechanic asshat, she can still pretend to be the tragic damsel. As I told you in one of your threads, she would only proceed with D if she had a soft place to land. That’s turned out to be true.

We’ll see. I mean, she’s going to proceed with D because I’m fucking divorcing her. And she said that she is cutting off contact with him, and I think he’s still married. Funny how those things are supposed to mean something.

Fitting that she’s picked a guy who fixes broken machines for a living. Let’s see how long she’s propped up on blocks on his front lawn before he finally gets frustrated and moves on.

I have found your sarcastic humor to be delightful this whole time. I think before I called you sassy and wise, and I stand by that.

Lastly, I remember in one of your threads when you said I was being too harsh and too hard on your wife. You said that if I met her, I would probably like her and want to be friends with her.

Well, if how she treated her good friend when the friend told her to be honest with you is any indication, probably not.

I still stand by that statement as well, but with an asterisk. When I said it before I thought the person you would meet and like was the real her. You would still meet that person, and you would probably like her. But I now know that that is just a facade. I think you’ve said something similar with your XH.

I hope you have a Happy Father’s Day, InkHulk! I’m glad you’re finding peace and clarity.

❤️🙏🏻

InkHulk post #29:

But if I list father, mother, and spouse as the big three relationships in a person’s life, I’ve had two of those go down in flames with a person I love so much unable to come out of their shame and back into the light.

'unable' in your quote above implies effort though. Thing is, at this point I'm not seeing any effort of your STBX-WW to 'come out of her shame'. Hell at this point I'm not seeing if there is even any shame on your STBX-WW to come out of. She seems to be seeing her actions as 'affordable mistakes'!

'unable' in your quote above implies effort though. Thing is, at this point I'm not seeing any effort of your STBX-WW to 'come out of her shame'. Hell at this point I'm not seeing if there is even any shame on your STBX-WW to come out of.

You know, sometimes that f’er makes some good points.

One of the Old Testament prophets described the corruption of the people as failing to feel shame in the face of their crimes. In his words, they "forgot how to blush".

I hear around here that shame is only destructive, but I don’t think that is true. I think shame has a useful affect, it helps us to learn and not repeat. In the book "The Shame That Binds Us", (thanks, WOES!) the author talks about a necessary healthy shame that is inherent in acceptance of living as a finite person, and then a second kind of shame, a toxic shame. Clearly once we get into the toxic side we have problems, but to have no shame at all is not a compliment. It’s like having no conscience. It’s like a moral leprosy, loss of a necessary sensitivity to keep us safe and healthy.

Back to forgetting how to blush, I think I’ve always assumed that was a kind of narcissism, where the people just didn’t care at all. But my experience with my father and my wife, I would say both of them lost the appropriate sensitivity to blush when they should have, but it’s clear to me that it wasn’t enough shame, it was too much, they were drowning in it.

And as they say, that is a you problem. They needed to address that in themselves. Their failure to do that have resulted in wide ranging collateral damage and it’s time again for me to get to safety.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 2:10 AM, Monday, June 17th]

Oh, ink.

My heart breaks…

I am so sorry to hear this for you and your family. I won’t beat her down because that gets no one anywhere…

I have many words I will not say about her or even my H because I try to stay neutral. We are all human and I want to focus on you.

What I will say my friend is your are so wise, you are funny, you are friendly , you are kind , you’ve helped so many here with your words, advice, and kindness, you will have no problem finding happiness , that I know whether it is alone or with someone else.

I pray for you and many others here every night. None of us deserve this , ink.

I don’t have any wise words like others. Just know I’m thinking of you and your family tonight.

Edited to say:

Happy Father’s Day!

I don’t know how to do photos yet or I would have posted the hulk.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 2:56 AM, Monday, June 17th]

Well, this is as much philosophical as it is to your specific situation.

There has IMO to be SOME SORT of uncomfortable emotion when we screw up. Shame may be a good START--it often is painful enough to setting us on the path to doing better and that includes taking stock of the pain we've caused OTHERS. But as discussed on here, shame has to develop into something else, because it is a selfish emotion. Shame isn't about the pain we've caused others, it is instead about what our actions say about US. I get the impression that during your STBX-WW's shame-storms, there was an expectation that you be the one comforting HER.

What really absolutely gets me about your STBX-WW's words, @InkHulk, is that there is basically NO bad emotions in her, for what she has been doing. Not even shame this time. It's like all her work has led her is to just accept that she is a cheater and be OK with it. Nevermind the pain it has caused you and your children. It's gross my friend and you deserve so much better.

Well, this is as much philosophical as it is to your specific situation.

You have always had a knack for following my titles to the letter

What really absolutely gets me about your STBX-WW's words, @InkHulk, is that there is basically NO bad emotions in her, for what she has been doing. Not even shame this time. It's like all her work has led her is to just accept that she is a cheater and be OK with it.

All right, now this mother f’er just got real! This is some pretty incredible insight right here. I think you are entirely right. I have two ideas of where this comes from.

1) from within her: she has a lack of sensitivity. I’m not entirely sure if it’s from a complete lacking or a total overload, but she fails to perceive some very basic things. Like we can all see these weasel words and are horrified and baffled. But she can’t. She really thinks she is right about this. And getting to some kind of state of peace with herself is her goal, no matter how absurd a path she needs to take to get there. I think it’s a deep reflection of how lost she is.

2) from therapy: I perceive that therapy worships at the idol of self esteem so strongly that shit like this can emerge. If she says such and such makes her feel better and aligns with "her truth", therapists don’t stand up to that bullshit and instead affirm it. I am largely suspicious of the profession at this point.

One thing this post made me realize is that one thing I adore about SI is that it is the least moral relativistic crowd I have ever come across. We just don’t tolerate the "it’s my truth" for things that we know are disasters. And it’s interesting because it’s not like we all come from the same ethical framework. No, the thing that unites us is the crazy level of pain that we all know intimately when these lines are crossed. I think the therapy profession could benefit from a movement in that direction.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 3:47 AM, Monday, June 17th]

Groot, your words really touch me, and I truly appreciate your prayers. You are a wonderful addition to the community. You’ve grown so much so quickly. I hope you and your babies can get clear of this trauma soon and resume a good life. So proud of you for doing EMDR and working things out here, you are kicking names

I don’t know how to do photos yet laugh or I would have posted the hulk.

I’ll help you out.

I've had a really profound breakthrough with my H and I've taken a step back from SI so that infidelity isn't a constant focus, but I check the site every couple of days mostly so that I can check to see if you've posted any updates. I really like this one. You've got your power back, you're taking no bullshit, but your heart hasn't hardened. Well done, sir.

I wonder why redemption is just not meant for my life story. I wanted it with my father, never happened and he’s dead. I’ve wanted it with my wife, invested years and countless tears, and it’s not to be.

Have you ever heard about the theory that we tend to marry an iteration of our most problematic parent? Seems like it rings true here.

I just finished reading a memoir called Sociopath by Patric Gagne. If you have Spotify Premium, it's free to listen to the audiobook. It's very entertaining and is a fascinating peak inside how a sociopath thinks and feels (or doesn't feel.) Sociopaths make up somewhere between 1% to 6% of the population, depending on who you ask, and I bet your wife is one of them to some degree. The author says that she feels, or can recognize, the basic human emotions like happiness, anger, sadness, but anything more complex is foreign to her. She doesn't feel shame, is highly impulsive, needs to commit "crimes" in order to scratch an internal psychological itch. Hmm. Sounds kind of familiar, maybe?

Anyway, it's water off a duck's back at this point. Good on ya.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 4:32 PM, Monday, June 17th]

I've had a really profound breakthrough with my H and I've taken a step back from SI so that infidelity isn't a constant focus,

OG!! I’ve noticed that you’ve been quieter lately. I’m glad to hear that it is intentional and from something good (I’m assuming this is a positive breakthrough). If you care to share anytime, I would love to hear about it.

I check the site every couple of days mostly so that I can check to see if you've posted any updates.

❤️

I really like this one. You've got your power back, you're taking no bullshit, but your heart hasn't hardened. Well done, sir.

That is a great summary. It makes me reflect on my journey and how I got to this state. To pull that off I really did need all of you and to go thru the furnace I did. I could have avoided pain, but it would have required me to harden my heart and disassociate. And I could have sacrificed my power to stay soft, but I would have lost myself in the process. For the cards I was dealt, this is just what I needed to do.

I just watched Inside Out 2 last night and I’m just itching to talk about it here. So consider this a warning that spoilers might be coming in a few days, but I’ll give you time to see it for yourself first

As for the other stuff, I am not going to spend my mental energies trying to analyze my wife anymore. The only reason I would have to care anymore is for my children’s’ sake, and I will just work directly with them going forward.