SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

That post is just SI gold, MyFinalAnswer. Wise, wise, wise. I’ll be going back to reread it a few times since there is so much food for thought in it.

OP, I’m reminded of the wisdom that I often needed when dealing with the devastation of my WH’s betrayal: sometimes the most important responses that we get on this site are the ones that make us uncomfortable or defensive. They are often the ones that we should pause over and think about a bit more, even if we ultimately reject them.

We are all feeling our way through a long and painful process. None of us has all the answers, ever—particularly not when we first come here stunned and wounded. This site can truly be a helpful healing place if we are open to it. It can take awhile. Be patient with yourself and maybe let some of the advice here sit a bit. Keep reading. This is a process. You don’t have to have all of the answers right now.

Thanks again to MyFinalAnswer for those amazing words.

I wonder if we could turn finalanswer’s post somehow into an article in the healing library? Or we could put it somewhere as a reference? It knocked my socks off.

Honestly, never worry about writing a novel around here finalanswer because I think you just earned yourself some readers. I almost wish this was a stand alone post so more people will see it. Because if they are not following this thread, it may remained buried and it’s great food for thought.

Anyway, I had come back in just to read it more carefully for me! I know women in at least the gen X and above generations are especially raised to be even tempered, pleasant, etc. Some men are raised this way too, so I am not generalizing. And on top of that may have had a critical parent like I did and have gone out of their way not to be angry, critical spouses. But then we avoid being comfortable with those emotions and we keep walking it back. But in order to get through this shit, you have to feel the feelings.

You have to love yourself enough to stand up for yourself and not feel you are in the wrong to do so. That’s all been a big part of my challenge, more so after my husbands affair than mine. Mine taught me not to people please, his taught me true boundaries and advocating for myself even if it makes other uncomfortable.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you again and I hope this can be seen by more users rather than just the subset following this thread. It truly is like the other poster said- it’s gold.

I have refrained from. Responding to the OPs comments as I felt I could not do it in a way she would hear it. Thank MyFinalAnswer. That's was an extremely well thought out kind and insightful post.
One of the best I've read in a very long time.

I wonder if we could turn finalanswer’s post somehow into an article in the healing library? Or we could put it somewhere as a reference? It knocked my socks off.

^^^^
I second Hikingout’s recommendation.

I have also refrained from answering/commenting on OP’s posts and in others’ threads.

MyFinalAnswer - this was EPIC. Thank you for these very wise words.

I agree -- a very insightful post from MFA! Those are the type of novels I come here to read.

I stand in total awe to "My Final Answer" -

and envious too

Molly

Putting in place those behaviours without an explanation seems to me just a childish way to communicate without speaking and it is not for me.

The 180 as written in the one copied post is kind of manipulative, in that it does suggest hiding a lot of things.

To my mind, it is really about detaching, as a number of others have posted. Taking the step back, and watching. Unknowing what you knew about the other person (because it was wrong!) and seeing them with fresh eyes. Detaching from their manipulation. Seeing their attempts to manipulate, both not responding. And not manipulating yourself. Don’t do this detachment to manipulate (although it will have an inevitable effect) but to see with fresh eyes.

It’s perfectly ok to tell them exactly what you are doing. You are protecting yourself, and you are opening your eyes. You are seeing them for who they really are.

If you stay in the house with them, you can truly see them. A critical part is the watching with fresh eyes. They might feel it is a withering glare, as you see and listen with an attentiveness they are not at all used to. Their bullshit doesn’t fly any more all of the sudden. It is deeply disturbing by some people to be truly seen for who they really are.

Wow, thank you-- I am so, so glad that what I wrote connected with so many of y'all.

That is a part of self-compassion and compassion in general-- and truly, of SI-- knowing that others have experienced and do experience what you are going through. When I was first introduced to concepts of Mindful Self-Compassion, my 'roided-out Inner Critic/Protector was like, "Yeah, SEE. Other people have experienced what you're going through-- you're not special! Suck it up, you wimp!" But of course, reminding yourself that others have gone through what you're going through is actually about reminding yourself "Oh, I'm not alone."

That's so important, because betrayal trauma makes us feel... well, speaking for myself... worthless, and... basically a whole lot of synonyms for worthless.

And DEEPLY alone.

When the person you trusted with your life, the one you committed to, gave everything to, and based all your major life decisions on, treats you so cruelly... well. You are completely alone in the relationship. And you realize you have and had been alone for some time (in my case, in crucial ways, throughout the ENTIRE relationship, from Day One... but I think that applies in at least some way to us all). And this leaves you feeling alone in the world. It's not even a world you recognize. You're alone on an alien planet, without a safe place to go.

That lonely feeling, that worthless feeling... I think it's shame.

But by at least one definition, the opposite of shame is connection.

It's logic-defying, maddening, inconceivably unfair that BETRAYED spouses experience such incredible shame. Why should WE feel shame? But we do.

We feel shame for having "picked the wrong one."

We feel shame and shamed (humiliated) for having been treated like such garbage. And though this is not logical, it "feels" like it is-- if we are garbage to the person we loved the most, then what are we to anyone else? Less than garbage.

We feel shame-- and much of society enforces this in us, for their own fear-based reasons-- for not having seen it coming, for missing the signs, for often being the last one to know.

We feel shame, similarly, for what MUST be our faults, our inadequacies, the way we MUST have contributed to our own mistreatment.

We feel shame even when we know that's not true, because we know we'll be stigmatized by that belief.

We feel shame for "not being able to make a marriage work" and divorcing-- and here's a neat trick:

We feel shame for staying. Don't we have any self-respect at all?

So what's the antidote? Oh, yeah, connection. Hm.

Connection with our WS, when even desired, is often fragmented and minimal in the beginning, maybe forever. And that's if we are even afforded the possibility of any connection-- if we haven't only discovered the infidelity when they left us a Dear John/Jane/Juan/Juanita/Jay/Joey Jo-Jo Junior Shabadoo letter, narcissistically discarding us while they abscond to La-La Land with their AP.

But, still, we need connection. We need it more than anything.

So when we can connect with each other here, well, that's one thing we can do to heal. One thing that WE can do for OURSELVES no matter WHAT our WS does.

And no one can take that away from us.

Molly ,
Gently , I wonder if you are that argumentative to your WS like you are argumentative in SI ( Surviving Infidelity) discussions ?

Lostwing, how is your contribution to my thread in any way or form useful? Did I attack you personally? Because this is what seems you are doing to me. Is it a fashion to be so aggressive on surviving Infidelity? It seems, but maybe I am wrong, that we all conform or we are seen as argumentative and hostile. I hope to be wrong...

[This message edited by Molly65 at 5:25 PM, Monday, March 25th]