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I’m sorry this has happened but for the life of me, I cannot figure out how a conversation about a D and an Affair comes up at a graduation ceremony.

The grad ceremony was Friday. The argument happened on Tuesday. My guess is that my wife was slightly triggered because of the grad ceremony (We barely got to see my daughter (DD17) on the night of her high school graduation -- not fun!).

According to my wife, the argument was triggered with my other daughter (DD16) because my ex slightly violated our parenting plan and she mentioned that). My daughter is a know-it-all, sassy 16 year old... so she defended her mother and yeah... shit-show ensued.

The ironic thing is that neither one understands the parenting plan. The history is that my ex used to routinely make major violations of the parenting plan, almost as if she was intentionally trying to violate it. But, for the last 3-6 months, my ex has more or less followed the parenting plan. In the latest incident, my ex made a very minor violation of the parenting plan... a mistake that was so minor that I didn't even bother to message her that she was violating the parenting plan.

I did, however, discuss the (minor) issue with my ex in a cagey way (to avoid confrontation) and it was resolved to my satisfaction. My mistake was that I didn't inform my wife of the resolution of the situation with my ex because it wasn't a big deal (i.e., I can't discuss everything with my wife... and this was a no-big-deal to me, so I didn't think to mention it to her).

Shit, sometimes my life feels like walking through a minefield.

Your wife needs to learn boundaries..and grow up.

I've reminded her that she should never criticize my ex and she apologized to me too.

You're right that she should know better.... this was actually a rare occurrence but it needs to be a never-happens-occurrence.

Now that I think about it, some of her frustration has been boiling up lately. I'll try to talk to her about it some more if I can find the right time.

Thanks for the feedback. I have been focused so much on my kids... but maybe I need to pay a little more attention to my wife and I need to coach her some. This is not easy to handle... like I said, it's a minefield.

Hi Barcher, I don't normally post here, but I have read your story. Wow. That was so hard to see you get treated that way by your ex.

I've been thinking about the behavior of your wife in regards to your ex. I can relate in some ways to her frustration watching you get poorly treated and the ex come off scott-free. My H's grandpa was a domineering and selfish man who expected his daughters to completely give up their life for him after his wife died, especially in his later years. I watched them suffer caring for him day in and day out doing EVERYTHING for him with no relief and no outside help acceptable to him. Elder care is touchy and I respect what my mom in law and her 2 sisters did for their dad. However, it was done out of desperation for his love and approval. He knew his power over his daughters and manipulated them with it. It was maddening have a ring side seat to that over so many years and was VERY difficult for me to watch and be able to say and do NOTHING about it.

I would bring my concerns to my H and my frustration that his mother would accept this treatment and not put up reasonable boundaries (ie: no dad, I'm not going to scrub your toilets every week, I've hired cleaning help and they'll come while I'm in to do the work and we hang out and chat). She could have said, "dad, we're exhausted and taking a trip for a week to refresh. I'm having a nurse come and help you for a week." OR (since mom in law took the largest burden compared to her sisters) she could have said, "I am taking a vacation from X to Y date and you guys need to cover dad duties." She never did anything to recharge herself and care for herself and became a shell of a person. She also revels in her own martyrdom, but that's a different story for a different day...

ANYWAY, all that to say, I can sympathize with your wife and her frustrations. I had to learn (and it is HARD for me to keep my mouth shut ) that it's not my place to have an opinion and not my place to suggest changes and "problem solve" or even to get people to "see the truth" as I saw it. It's SO HARD to sit by and watch people you care for deeply continue in pointless suffering and unhealthy dynamics.

It looks like your wife is having growing pains in that department. What helped H and I in this area was I would learn to express my frustration in terms of my concern and fear for mom in law. Instead of raging in frustration over the injustice and going into "problem solving mode," I learned instead to speak to my own feelings of concern, frustration and desires for there to be better done by my mom in law (who I love very much- warts and all).

Perhaps your wife would benefit from learning to communicate directly to you her concerns over your family dynamics and how you're being treated. It is absolutely not her place to butt in on parent-child dynamics, but it is absolutely her place to be concerned for your welfare and that of your kids. If you could be open to hearing her out and empathizing with her struggles, it may serve as a more appropriate outlet for her rightful frustration.

I hope you guys can learn to navigate this shit show together. That she can accept the boundaries that need to be in place, and that you can also show empathy for her concern. It seems her heart is in the right place, but her behaviors need some coaching.

I'm not going to have a grad party of my own.

I would also offer an alternative for a couple reasons. IE I used to give my kids a choice, I will either give you a party or we can do something else. Sometimes it was taking a friend or two to an amusement park. Sometimes it was a vacation.

With all the stress going on, your DD might enjoy just getting away for a little trip (and she may be all graduation partied out).

Just a thought - graduation celebrations do not have to be an actual party.

(Thanks for the update. I was checking back often to see what you decided.)

I would also offer an alternative for a couple reasons.

Sorry, I am super-duper literal. Your comment is spot-on. We're doing the something else, not a grad party.

We are going to host her and all of her friends at a lake cottage for a weekend... my wife and I will be the only adults there and we'll mostly cook and clean up and let them have a good time without us.

ANYWAY, all that to say, I can sympathize with your wife and her frustrations.

You are spot-on (with the above quote and the rest of your response).

The thing is, though, she knows better than to do something like this. We're about 4 years into this mess and this is a rare major mistake. The weird thing is that I know that she did it intentionally... she literally told me that the incident started with an off-hand comment by my daughter and then my wife started "playing dumb" (her precise words, not mine) and asking weird questions.

Yes, it's difficult to keep your mouth shut when you see an injustice... so I have some empathy but yeah... I'm not happy that she did this. I've quietly/calmly/appropriately-timed reminded her several times that I wish that she had not done this and I have asked her not to do it again.

We're about 4 years into this mess and this is a rare major mistake. The weird thing is that I know that she did it intentionally

Yeah, I had to be reminded a few times too.

How has she responded to your reminders? Hopefully she's got the point and simmers down from here on out.

How has she responded to your reminders? Hopefully she's got the point and simmers down from here on out.

She says that she understands and she apologized to me. Meaning, her response was appropriate.

The part that worries me is that she seems to justify what she did because of what she/we learned from the incident. This is when I chime with my perspective, which is that the damage caused is not worth the information gained.

I agree, the ends don't really justify the means here. I've worked to understand that information obtained "unlawfully" that's either manipulated or coerced out of a person is a short term strategy. It's a one and done. Your relationship with that person gets damaged and then you're more or less going to be out in the cold from there on in.

It's got to be difficult coming in as an outsider to your broader family circle. I have that feeling quite a bit with my H's family as his family is much more tight knit than mine. It has taken me quite a bit of time to recover from the A in his family circle (only his mom and dad know). It's funny, I think my relationship with my mom in law is better now than it was before the A. Life is weird.

Wishing you guys the best for sure! It's not easy being M, with or without an A involved!

Your experience with your wife reminds me of something that happened when I first married my BH. Suddenly, we both became terrible backseat drivers. We had been together for years and never before had any problems when one of us was behind the wheel. Eventually, I figured out what was going on: my car was now our car. In the past, he had driven one of his family vehicles, and I drove mine. If either of us screwed up, that was our own independent problem. Now we were living together and sharing my car, and he felt a new investment in what would happen if I scraped a fender. This was all subconscious, but that didn't make it any less annoying.

A friend of mine reported a similar issue with her husband revising their housekeeping standards. She's not the tidiest person, but he knew this; they had lived together in the past. But without realizing it, his standard for what a wife should do was modeled on his mother, who was almost obsessively tidy. Matters improved when they brought this to light and negotiated a compromise.

All this is to say that I wonder if your wife has adjusted her expectations of what she's entitled to do now that she is officially in the role that your wife once held. She might not even be aware that marriage has changed her perspective.

She might not even be aware that marriage has changed her perspective.

Possibly. I'll keep thinking about this. More correctly, she might be aware that marriage has changed her perspective. She definitely has gotten involved in parental alienation groups in the past and expressed helplessness when they told her to stay out of it because she was "only the girlfriend."

My wife definitely thinks that I should be involved as a step-father, which is a concept that I don't share. As in, I don't feel like I should parent her children. I can be the responsible adult in the room, sure; but I don't need to be the person teaching them right from wrong, how to treat people, etc.

And, honestly, my daughter (DD16) is super sensitive to this. The phrase "you are not my mother" has come out of her mouth more than once -- those were fun evenings, for sure. In those situations, I mostly took my wife's side because the issue was DD16 misbehaving specifically towards my wife (like taking her girlie supplies without asking, for example). But, I did agree with my daughter that my wife is not her mother and there is a difference.

My wife definitely thinks that I should be involved as a step-father, which is a concept that I don't share. As in, I don't feel like I should parent her children. I can be the responsible adult in the room, sure; but I don't need to be the person teaching them right from wrong, how to treat people, etc.

As a stepparent, it can be a fine line to walk. I wouldn't say I don't assist in teaching from right from wrong, how to treat people, etc, but I definitely don't dish out repercussions. Like I have no problem telling him he needs to put his dishes in the dishwasher, to pick up after himself, or that he is behaving like an asshole to his friends, but I don't apply consequences if he doesn't listen. That's not my role. That's his mom's role. Even with our pretty good long-term relationship (10 years at this point) and that fact his father passed a few years back he would push back if I strayed too far out of my lane. I'm just the bonus dad not a full parent.

I finally received an actual invitation to the grad party last Thursday. It's probably best if you read the following paragraph with Jeff Foxworthy's voice:

You might be a narcissist if...

You send out invitations to your daughter's high school graduation party and include your name and your boyfriend's name... but not the name of your daughter, the name of the school from which she is graduating, the date of the party, or the location of the party.

Classic!

And you're right - reading it with Jeff Foxworthy's voice made it funnier!

Da faq?!

It’s like she got so engrossed in being spiteful that she forgot to provide actual information.

That invitation really says "you're invited, but not really, dont come".LOL

That invitation really says "you're invited, but not really, dont come".LOL

This is the invitation that they sent to everyone not just me.

I had a minor argument with the wife this weekend. She is strongly of the opinion that I should attend the party. I told her that she can stop nagging me about it, that I will make my own decision, and that I am not likely to attend.

What is your daughter's preference?

What is your daughter's preference?

My daughter would like for me to attend.

HOWEVER, my ex has a history of trying to get me arrested. She has told me, in writing, that I am never allowed on her property again. Ergo, by going onto her property, I am opening me up to criminal trespassing.

The invitation that I currently possess is not addressed to me specifically. I do not think that the police would agree that I was invited to the party if she wanted to accuse me of trespassing.

Don’t go to the party. As you said, you weren’t explicitly invited and you’re not allowed on your ex-wife’s property.

Your current wife needs to stop meddling and behaving like a spiteful teenager.

Barcher

Given the type of person your ex is, I would not put yourself in a position where she could cause even more trouble for you. Unless you have something clearly written inviting you to the party, I think you would be wise to pass. Doing something special with your daughter on your own sounds like the better, safer option.

[This message edited by ff4152 at 3:12 AM, Friday, July 7th]