Hello perfectpain. Welcome to the greatest club that no one ever wanted to join.
It took about 16 days before I was able to get more than three hours of sleep. Emotions are up and down and pain I've never felt before.
You've already received some great advice and guidance from some of the very same gentlemen who helped me when I first arrived here many years ago. So, I'm going to focus on this for a bit.
For most folks, the betrayal of infidelity is a profound shock, resulting in severe emotional and psychological trauma. Like you, I couldn't sleep, my emotions were all over the fucking place, often from minute to minute. I couldn't eat, either, losing over 30lb with about three months. I couldn't focus. I'd walk into another room and forget why I was there, start a task and quickly forget what the hell I was doing.
As for the pain... well, brother, it seems to me that aside from the loss of a child, nothing compares. You'll encounter all sorts of people here, from all walks of life, with all sorts of experiences, and the vast majority will tell you that surviving infidelity is the most challenging and painful time of their lives. I'm certainly one of them.
Focusing on you, your recovery and healing is your top priority for the foreseeable future. It took me about 10 months to recover and start feeling a semblance of my old self again. It's taken me years to heal from it all. Recovering and healing will move faster the more you focus on you, your recovery and healing. It's hard work and it takes time, but rest assured, you'll get there.
Eat healthy meals and stay hydrated.
Hit the gym (get some exercise).
Avoid alcohol and rec drugs; they only prolong the pain.
Talk to your doctor and let him know what's going on in your life. Chances are, he's heard it before (as did my doctor).
If you need space and time to yourself, take it!
Also, check out The Healing Library. You'll find a link at the top of the page. Inside the "Articles" tab you'll find a wealth of truly outstanding essays by veteran SI members.
Generally speaking, the mental gymnastics a WS goes through in order to justify behavior they know to be inherently wrong is astonishing. I'm not speaking from personal experience, of course. However, I know my own STBXWW and have read from WS here on SI. They will, to varying degrees, rewrite the history of their marriage and shift the blame to their spouse or the marriage, delude themselves into thinking they will never get caught, believe they're entitled to get their needs met, etc., etc.,
Once exposed, your average WS goes straight into "damage control" mode, which includes lying, gas-lighting, blame-shifting, deflecting, equivocating, etc., etc.,
So, what's a brother to do?
Focus on you, your recovery and healing. Did I mention that yet?
Step-back and detach from your WW. Remember, her issues are not your issues. People cheat for their own selfish, entitled, fucked-up reasons. It's got nothing at all to do with you. Nothing you ever said or didn't say, nothing you ever did or didn't do, would have made any difference at all. Infidelity has nothing at all to do with a betrayed spouse. And that's what really sucks the most! We simply didn't matter when they choose infidelity as way to cope with their own shit.
If you've got an inkling to give this marriage another shot, watch and observe what she does with the opportunity you've given her. Is she willing and able to own the decisions she's made, without blaming anyone or anything but herself? Is she willing and able to truly own and fix her shit? Is she willing and able to help you to heal, to be there for you when you need her, or to give you time and space when you need it? Is she willing and able to be an authentic human being?
There's no rush, especially when you have young kids--which, not surprisingly, is the number one reason why a BS will give their WS the opportunity to reconcile. It was for me. My son had just turned 4yo a few weeks before d-day.
Reconciliation is possible. It's not easy and there are no guarantees. Most couples, it seems to me, won't make it, for all sorts of reasons.
In the meantime, in case I forgot to mention it, focus on you, your recovery and healing.
[This message edited by Unhinged at 6:55 PM, Monday, January 17th]