SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Also...you are NOT legally divorce. You have no custody order. He can take his children and not return them. And it's legal.

Set boundaries. Set an end date. Deal with your emotions

Next...this is brand fucking new. You are asking him to take several children to someone else's home where he is a guest. They may love those kids...but I know I wouldn't sign up to have young children in my home right now with risk of COVID and my sanity. I love babies.. for about 20 mins.

Agreed. Completely. Where he is staying is a great fit for him. Not so much for the kids. They want to be in their home. With their toys and where they can play. All I want is a set time and schedule for him being here.

He left HIS HOME..as well. he is legally entitled to be there and he instead he trying to show concern for you and still be there for his kids.

Concern for me? I politely disagree. He’s said enough for me to doubt that. However, being there for his kids is 100% on point. He loves them. A lot.

Your children are FIRST. Period. And they are hurt if YOU don't learn to manage your expectations and reactions. Because what everyone is failing to address's is that your reactions WILL NOT STOP once he takes the kids. Then it's going be...I miss the kids, or he didn't do something right, or he fees them junk. Your reactions have very little to do with his presence and more to do with your hurt. And that wont stop when he gets his own place and starts to take the kids.

I agree that my reactions are an issue. Hence the point of this post. I realize that it’s a problem that only I can control. Not HM. Not the kids. Me. Only me. In regards to reactions once he’s in his own place. We shall see. I disagree with that too. He takes good care of them and I know they’ll be safe and loved in his care. They won’t have to feel the tension and the fakeneas. I worry about the change in routine, but thankfully it’ll be summer by then and our lives are a bit easier in the summer. I will miss the kids, but I also am trying to be positive. I am going to have time for myself. Time to do things I’ve wanted to do. My life revolves around the kids most of the time. I can sleep in. I can shower without someone trying to climb in or get into trouble. I love my children more than anything, don’t get me wrong, I am looking forward to some time to breathe. I’m just ready for normalcy. For all of us. I know I worry that if something were to happen to me, idk if HM would be ready to take on some of the bigger things. He just wouldn’t know where to start or how to handle some of it. But I know he will make sure they’re fed, bathed, dressed, and loved. He is a good dad and loves them.

So make a schedule and a plan for when he is there. Maybe that's your gym time or therapy time. Maybe you craft a book list to read in your room, wine in your room, dinner out.

This is what I want.

OP: You should make really put stop signs on your posts. There are people here that will use you as a punching bag because they are unhappy with their own lives.

Also, this man abused you in front of his children, this community needs to stop acting like you should be bending over for him. He should thank his lucky stars he didn’t get dragged out of YOUR home in handcuffs.

Please don’t use the abuse piece against him. That is not him. It has never been him pre-A. In all likelihood HM will read it and it will trigger and hurt him. He and I don’t and will never see each other’s point of view. He is adamant that that moment sealed the deal that we could never stay together and he will never forgive me. To him, it wasn’t fair. We were fresh out of d-day. We had been text fighting all day. I was still lying, gaslighting, and minimizing. I was blaming him for me cheating. Extremely shitty of me. He reacted to that. I could and should have left, I was stubborn. Not everything was done to be stubborn though. He was not himself that day. I don’t know if and what he remembers. I was truly afraid to not be there for the kids. I was afraid with how he was talking to me. I was afraid when he confronted me. I was afraid because he wouldn’t let me leave with the kids and was not himself. I would have taken them somewhere safe and we could have both cooled down.

Until I cheated, HM never put his hands on me. He never was violent or aggressive. Quite the opposite. I had no right coming home after continuing to blame him for the affair and lying to him. I should have given him space. I remember that day. I remember him acting unlike him. I was scared to leave the kids with him in that state of mind. It was bad. It was dark. I know he wouldn’t have hurt them, but he was in no place to have to worry about anyone but himself.

Immediately after, he felt awful. Was apologizing. Owning his actions. Now whenever we talk about it, he gets furious. Tells me I should be in jail for abusing him with an affair. Tells me I had no right to come home. Tells me I cheated and then had him arrested. It’s a very sore subject and he will carry that anger forever. I know it’s a big part as to why R isn’t possible. He went from feeling bad to blaming me for it. Anytime it’s brought up, it’s a guarantee that the conversation will go downhill immediately. I don’t want to keep addressing it anymore. I did wrong by continuing to hurt him. He was suffering and I didn’t accept what I did. I hurt him further.

And other posters have no issues attempting to put forth their own agenda. While disregarding his rights of a in a custody situation

Just as others want to imply your husband is "lucky" in some aspects...you should consider all the legalities that others only want to consider when it suits a certain narrative.

Legally...he is just as entitled to be in the home with his children as you. So "luckily" he has decided to leave his home without exercising his rights.

Again...your reactions are the issue. You have no idea the feelings that will come over you when he has the kids for that first time. Doesn't matter that he will take good care of them. You will have a WHOLE different set of emotions.

And in MOST jurisdictions....abuse against a spouse has very little if any impact on custody. Which is what your dealing with eight now...custody. Neither one of you have that...either of you can keep the kids and their is nothing the other can do. Put the kids first. Understand it's a short sprint in the marathon of parenting with him.

You BOTH love your kids.and the struggle is the Hurt. Continue to work in separating the mom and dad...from the husband and wife. Though you will have heal both of those aspects.

This IS brand new for your both...so the grave you extend to him...extend to yourself. Reframe his time in the home and with kids as YOUR self care time. Write out an active plan, have an accountability buddy, prepare a stash if comfort objects, journals, books and podcasts. Bubble baths. Those things won't fix EVERYTHING but sometimes...as you go thru this...you only need to get thru it one moment at a time.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 8:24 PM, April 23rd (Friday)]

Inappropriate

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:01 PM, April 24th (Saturday)]

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:01 AM, Sunday, April 25th]

Lol...Poopy704.

Your comment speaks about you as a person..Carry on making an ass of yourself.

IAT, do you run? Lol, I sure as hell didn't before June of last year. What if you go out for a walk/jog the next time it's his time with the kids, given the weather is nice? You can run around your neighborhood or a nearby park. It will give you time to just be. You can blast whatever music you want into your earbuds. Hell, you can run like Phoebe and look dumb, but feel free like she said. I really hope you have watched Friends to get the reference.

Prissy, you keep on bringing up custody and saying abuse won’t impact custody, among other things. Lots of focus on custody. No one is stomping his rights or keeping him from the kids.

I don’t want full custody. I never have. So I’m not sure why you keep bringing it up. I would never keep the kids from him and 50/50 has always been the agreement. My children need their father. My feelings don’t matter, what matters is that they have their dad. And they do. I don’t care what happened in the past. My relationship with him isn’t their relationship with him. This isn’t a custody battle. Not by a long shot. Wanting normalcy, a schedule, a routine has nothing to do with custody. It’s about creating a stable, consistent life for the kids.

You BOTH love your kids.and the struggle is the Hurt. Continue to work in separating the mom and dad...from the husband and wife. Though you will have heal both of those aspects.

This IS brand new for your both...so the grave you extend to him...extend to yourself. Reframe his time in the home and with kids as YOUR self care time. Write out an active plan, have an accountability buddy, prepare a stash if comfort objects, journals, books and podcasts. Bubble baths. Those things won't fix EVERYTHING but sometimes...as you go thru this...you only need to get thru it one moment at a time.

100%. All of that.

As for how I feel when he has them for the first time. Maybe I will have bad reactions. Maybe not. Who’s to say? I will cross that bridge when I get there. Maybe I’ll go get a massage, sip a beverage, and keep my mind occupied so that it won’t matter. I already have a plan for myself. I’m being proactive.

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 8:39 PM, April 23rd (Friday)]

I actually detest running. But I’d love to get a gym membership. I’m planning on doing it once we have a set schedule. I lost a ton of weight before baby 2. That’s the last time I felt physically good about myself I’d love to feel that way again

I also go a bunch of things to start painting. I miss crafting and being in the house opens up opportunities to be creative again.

This is a painful, messy and necessary. And you will have to have a custody plan in place before you divorce

For whatever reason you seem to be taking my posts as an attack but it's not my intent.

People have in house separations for many reasons...this is a very similar situation. Your children are going to hurt.. unfortunately divorce for what ever reason, is going to be hurtful to kids.

But the more they see you and him be okay, learn good copings skills and model those behaviors for them the better they will be.

My advice to you is to focus on your kids,understand that this process has lots of feelings attached and those are going to change moment to moments. And THAT'S FINE. There are legalities to consider but all things don't have to be figured out right now. Stop expecting perfect behavior and reactions from yourself and him. Sometimes the best thing you can do for YOURSELF is to just get thru the moment.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 8:54 PM, April 23rd (Friday)]

Oh, no no wasn’t taking them as an attack. There just seemed to be a lot of focus on custody. I wanted to clear things up that fighting over time with the kids is not even something to be considered. They will have time with us both.

I feel like I’ve been begging to come up with a custody plan. He isn’t ready. He wants to be in his place before deciding if the draft I came up with will work. (It truly is split time as much as work schedules will allow. I feel like I tried to lay out every possible conflict. He looked at it for a moment, but didn’t really seem to want to talk about it or decide on it.)

I want to stop losing control. And I know I need to. I get so upset. I spew everything I’ve held onto. Then I’m back to baseline and feel terrible. Like now, we’ve had space. We haven’t talked for hours. And I feel ok. Calm. We went to the park and the kids played with friends. I need to figure out how to get to that point and remove the trying to talk to him about how I feel. In the moment, it’s not so easy. I feel like I am quitting again. And I can’t let go of that feeling. It’s like by refusing to fight, I am letting us all down again.

😂😂 I too detested running. It killed my lungs and my legs would quickly be in pain. Only crazy people ran. WTF for man? I'm running my 5th race this Sunday now and have 3 more that I have already paid for. I'm trying to do once race a month when given the chance. My body doesn't like it too much. I'm pretty sure I have this disease that causes my toes to go numb when it's cold, so that's always fun while running. I've also developed runners knee, I'm pretty sure. I have now had a steroid shot in each knee, and I'm ready to keep racing. Most people are confused as to why I run if I'm usually in some type of paint during and after. It's because I like the way I feel when I run, obviously not the pain. I SUCKED at running my whole life, and then I blew our lives up. I started running after N moved out. It was a way for my mind to escape. I also knew it would benefit me in a healthy way. Earning some medals also doesn't hurt.

You took your pain and made it a positive. I need to follow suit. Just maybe not with running.

I would offer...that right now start with boundaries...that can later be translated to custody agreements.

For example....he comes over from 8 until bedtime 3 days a week.or every other day..whatever works best for the kids. He is SOLELY responsible for homework, dinner (he needs to bring his own stuff to cook), bath time, bed time. As he is coming in...you hug and kiss the babies and disappear.

Create a google calendar with kid events, notes, etc. Add his email to all school stuff so he can get a copy. He is in the know...and you don't have to tell him.

On the days he is not scheduled to be at the house....turn his ringer to Do not disturb. Once you are settled, calmed and relaxed...check the messages. If anything is about the kids....respond the next day. Not to punish him or yourself but so that you both have a breather from your emotions. Even if it doesn't work...and it won't all time. And give yourself grace on the days it doesn't.

Create an email address....so you can send as many angry emails as you need. Use the voice to text feature on your phone...spew all the nasty you want and then email it to the dummy address. Get it off your chest without sending it to him. Same for when your feeling low.

Ice plates.. water in paper plates. Freeze them. Take them outside and smash them. Cheap and easy clean up.

Part of this is that you guys have to start lessening the communication for right now...both of you are too reactionary. I know you both still love and care for each other so it very hard. Find ways to communicate without direct connection.

Put up boundaries...it's okay. You can do it without being mean or cruel..sometimes you will rise to the occasion..other times you will fail. Celebrate yourself on the days you rock....give yourself grace on the days you don't.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 9:40 PM, April 23rd (Friday)]

First....it's still COVID. There is still a real health risk especially with babies and young children

Right. I didn't take that into account.

IAT, you shouldn't have to leave your home every time he comes over. Set up an agreement that he is totally in charge on his nights. He cooks,cleans,and puts them to bed. Then he leaves. You can use that time to stay in your room(since you said you like to come home and relax after work), and read a book you've been looking forward to. Or find a good show to binge watch. Devote that time to some much needed self care.

Stay as NC as possible.

It's understandable that you are hurting, and pouring that pain and anger onto him. What are you wanting out of that? Serious question. What response are you looking for when you do it?

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:09 PM, April 23rd (Friday)]

Actually, I think the BS in this post, and all of her recent posts,have been very empathetic, and kind. I don't see anyone here trying to cause her more pain.

IAT..I hadn't read the second page of comments before I made my recent post. I see most of what I said was already said,lol.

You asked how to stop the word vomit. As I said, I think you need to dig deep, and figure out why your vomiting. What you want out of it. Once you figure that out, I think it will be easier to stop.

I love those ideas. Seriously. All solid and on point. You hit the nail on the head when you said we need a breather from our emotions. I’ve known this for awhile. I feel like these are all good options while still acknowledging that there will be errors and moments of weakness.

I feel like anytime I try to set boundaries, it’s reacted to with anger. That’s what makes it hard. I don’t want the anger anymore. I don’t want him to be mad at me anymore. When I try to set boundaries, I get told that I’m being spiteful, going back on an agreement, doing this to hurt him and/or make it difficult for him. I’m not. I just want space. Space to heal. Space to clear my mind. I know I can’t play house and accept divorce at the same time.

Time to make an email and buy some paper plates. I bet the kids would love to smash the plates, too. Might help them when they’re upset.

What response are you looking for when you do it?

I’m looking for something I will never have. I am looking for something I will never find spewing anger at him.

I want his forgiveness and acceptance. I want him to love me again. I want him to see that I’ve fallen for him as he is and not for my flawed ideas of what life should be. I want him to believe that I would never cheat on him again. I want him to trust me, specifically I want him to stop believing the narratives and ideas he created about the affair. I want him to see me as more than just a cheater. I want him to see the good in me again. I want him to be proud of me. I want him to be my best friend again.

More than anything. I want him to trust me again. I want him to know that I know I did so much wrong. That I hurt him immensely. That I damaged him more than anything else in this world. I want him to trust that I wasn’t here to hurt him again. I want him to trust he wasn’t just a Plan B. (I really struggle when he tells me he was just a plan b. He never was. I was never divorcing him. I never wanted to divorce him. Again, meaningless statement but most of this is.) I so badly want his love and approval again. I want to be worthy of a life with him and our family to not be ripped apart.

It’s stupid. And pointless. I know. Especially because I did this. What I desire is an unrealistic expectation for the man I destroyed.