That is exactly right, Owningitnow, I think he is a narcissist in the true sense. He has turned into a fully blown one, having had latent tendencies.
I don't need my children to hate their dad, not at all. I just see and know how they have been damaged in the past few years by his covert abuse of the whole family. I want them to have a healthy bit of distance 'cos right now no good can come from that man, he is steeped in addictions and blameshifting. My DD said she can't recognise the man who used to be her father, he has changed so much. He
seems emotionally weird, spaced out and fake. That is what addiction does.
I can't and don't want to reveal that I found evidence of drug taking too. But that really worries me, in terms of his judgment and influence. Because there are no overnight stays the risks on that front seem manageable.
We were all surrounded in the fog of his misery and yet he made us all feel sorry for him as he made our lives hell. My DD worked this out for herself, my son knows something is off but is less likely to realise his dad has been and is abusive.
It is harder to protect my son because the abuse is mostly covert. He will not take parental responsibility but will create a pity party. He will smile whilst lying to your face. He has done this recently to my DD and she has seen through it. That is not good for any kid, to have a dad who lies compulsively and doesn't take responsibility for being a dad.
You are right, his fun dad mask may well fall, but I am more worried by the gaslighting by stealth that he does so well. It does something to your boundaries.
Bonetired - great name - it is indeed hard to navigate. I have spent a year not bad mouthing him and not interfering but many times the contradiction has been unbearable. He sucked the life blood out of our family life and is still insisting I am making up long term infidelity allegations. I honestly care more about the moral health of the kids, and their need to know what healthy boundaries in relationships are, than having them take sides as such. It breaks my heart that their dad has failed so spectacularly. I suppose the question is how do you have a relationship with someone so steeped in dishonesty and self pity that it is never going to be good for you because they can't even see your needs? How much harder it is when that person is your parent. As a child you might not realise it until much later that you were defrauded. I think I have to watch from a distance for now but my gut says he is bad for the self esteem of both kids. Until and unless he can take responsibility for the pain he has caused and stop with his constant lies.
We really need to focus in healing. He has screwed us all over.