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We have come to a compromise the he gives me 6 months at my job while I am still looking for a new one as long as he does not have to share his work schedule so that he can pop in and check in on me whenever he wants. He does not work M-F 8-5. He will also get to turn off his location services (which bothers me a ton) and I will just let it go. We will revisit the situation then and evaluate it. Now let the additional anxiety happen... I hope we can make it thorough this period.

Just so you know, this isn't how you rebuild a relationship. Not sharing his work schedule so he can surprise you at work? So you can be on edge wondering if he will show up and make a scene if you are chatting with someone? You are agreeing to live your life on edge. As someone who agreed to all this and lived that way for years, it just takes a toll mentally. This isn't the solution to the problem.

**and I'm just making assumptions. If this works and makes him happy then thats fine, but its also your place of work so hopefully thats ok for him to stop by, and won't cause extra stress on you. I just hate to see anyone put in a situation that could cause more harm long term than good. I'm extra on edge because of all I went through!

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 2:43 PM, August 21st (Friday)]

Is he turning his location off so that you can't see when he's on his way to your job?

YEP!! I do not agree and would prefer he not do that. I think keeping things private like that and secretes is not the way to go, and we have discussed this issue at length prior to COVID lock down and how it bothers me, but at this point I have agreed to it because we are working on a compromise. This is what he requires of me in order to continue working for now. We will revisit this in 6 months as well.

pinkpggy: Oh I agree with you. But he won't be able to just walk into my work place and make a scene necessarily. He will have to be checked in at the front desk and they will call me to get him. I have to use a proximity fob to even get into the area I work or go to the restroom. I'm not worried he would make a scene. He's is not really that kind of person. Its more so he can check my car in the parking lot. he was driving by checking on it daily before COVID. Also I told him me not knowing his work schedule will cause some schedule issues when it comes to family things, but at this point he doesn't really care about those inconveniences and says "he won't hold it against me, if I schedule things the days he works since I won't know his schedule." we shall see.

[This message edited by MC64 at 3:03 PM, August 21st (Friday)]

Hi. I come so late to this, but quitting without another job and with him not working is very unwise. Looks like this might get sorted though.

I wondered about the "mostly" EA. If the non "mostly" occurred on campus, then I can get his point. But you still want to wait until you are on financially sound ground before you make any final decisions.

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:42 AM, September 20th (Sunday)]

Have you looked at other jobs? Other universities?

Similar AP situation, (we did work in same department for one day and that's when he started reaching out to me, that's when conversation started that turned into EA then PA) But after that day, we never worked together again. It was a smaller facility but he worked in a different department Only once a week - so very predictable for me to know when to make sure I wasn't around.

I loved my job. I told myself it was ok to stay bc of all of those things..

After dday, my BS told me he needed me to switch jobs and the fact I did not already do it on my own hurt him... at first I did not understand.. I said: I never see him, (by that time I arranged my schedule so that I was always off on that day that AP worked). In my mind it was okay since we were never there at the same time or same place.

BUT I changed jobs. It was very scary. And now, working at my new job.... gosh I wish I would have changed jobs a LOOOONG time ago!

Income and good insurance are important. But no job will ever be more important to me again than my relationship.

Him not working is something you guys should talk about especially due to finances while living together.. but at the end of the day, that is his thing. You can only work on your situation. Try to see it from his point of view: To you Your Job is more important than him..

Maybe I am wrong, but this is the view from my experience.

I wish I would have changed jobs a long time ago. And as scary as it is, it was certainly the right thing to do and I have not looked back or regret that decision at all. My BS and I have been separated since dday. And still, the job change is something I should have done a long time ago and I regret that I did not do it immediately. That I kept telling BS how it was safe..

My BS saw it like you. AP is working for the same place, therefore it is not okay. Period.

I now agree with my BS. BUT, you must be financially stable. Don't quit your job before having a new one. I'd def. recommend looking for different options and try to see it from you BS point of view!

[This message edited by Rose2206 at 10:51 AM, September 23rd (Wednesday)]

Also, with him not sharing his schedule and him planning to pop in at work,,,

Are you guys in CC?

I do agree with others that in R this is not the way to go, but maybe he's just not there yet.

I am not in R due to separation and NC with my BS bc he needs to heal himself.. and maybe that is why I see this differently..

Why would it bother you for you BS to pop in at work without you knowing?

idk, but if that is the stage he is in, I think it's okay.. if he needs the reassurance that he can stop by whenever to check on you then it is also a way to establish trust... I think that if that is what he needs, then it's okay. What bad would come of it?

I wish my BS would stop at my work.. see that I am doing what I said 'm doing, over and over again. Establish trust. While it maybe extreme, I don't see any harm in his request. He just does not seem "ready" to give his all to R given the no trust. So help him establish it.

Why would he have location services on in the first place? idk, Why does it bother you for him to come stop by your work whenever?

(I'm trying to help you figure that part out. Because I felt that way before, and then booom it hit me, I was SO wrong for feeling that way). And again, wish I would have switched jobs long ago and in general I did so many things wrong that I now see totally different then I did just a few months ago. ...

Posted accidentally! Didn’t realize this was a WS-only thread.

Sorry!

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:45 AM, September 22nd (Tuesday)]

Are WS always required to leave their job if BS asks?”

The short answer is no. A WS is not required to do anything. You always have the ability to make choices. Just understand that certain choices we make in life will also come with certain results or consequences.

I ask you to carefully read your posts and try to interpret them objectively from our POV not knowing the full story. Initially you portray your BH as someone who might seem controlling and jealous. You mention drinking too much. Then later we find out that you hid a male friendship from him, out of control drinking has only happened a few times. He is unemployed due to the stresses of dealing with infidelity and the emotional impact his job has, not because he doesn’t want to work.

Now try to see this from your BH’s POV. Every day you leave the home there is potential for you to have contact with your AP. You may not work directly with him, however you came in contact with him through your current employment. It is this job that put you on the path to use the gas station you did. It is your employment that keeps you in close vicinity to your AP. Every day he has uncertainty about your actions and your motives from the time you step foot outside of the house to the time you return. There is no “of course I have no contact “ no matter how latter reasons you list. You have put yourself in a situation, proving to be able to lie and deceive him. It takes years and consistent actions to gain trust back.

In these early days, it is common to try to remove yourself from as many triggers as possible. Right now, leaving for work is a terrible trigger. It may not make you a safe partner, it won’t fix your marriage....but each gesture helps get you moving in a forward direction.

My AP lived over 200 miles away. He had nothing to do with my job. I did however, share details about my affair with my closest coworker. It was difficult for my husband to know I was going to work everyday, discussing our personal life with someone who turned out was not a friend of our marriage. When he asked me to transfer, I felt he was being unreasonable. We argued over it. He didn’t want to make me do something I didn’t want to do. Despite how it made him feel and I was resistant to make the change. I finally agreed and I can tell you that I wish I had agreed to it right away. In hind sight I can’t believe I fought for it thinking it would be the end of the world without it. As it turned out, my husband also lost his job because he was having a difficult time with the fall out from my affair. We ended up moving half way across the country to start over. Again, that act alone did not fix things, but it allowed for a major trigger (the AP himself) to move further down the list. It provided a more stable foundation for us to focus on us.

We often want our betrayed spouses to behave reasonably in unreasonable situations. Every time you leave for work ask yourself how your husband feels. Every time you balk on a request of his ask yourself why. Why is he making the request and then why are you balking?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:14 AM, September 23rd (Wednesday)]

WS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:42 PM, September 23rd (Wednesday)]

With each action taken you inform another person who you are and their "real" value to you.

What do you think your partner is hearing? All actions have consequences......

[This message edited by blahblahblahe at 11:36 AM, September 23rd (Wednesday)]

what WalkinOnEggshelz said 100%!

Great post WalkinOnEggshelz. I finally left my job working directly with my AP six months after d-day. As a few have said above, I wish I had done it sooner. Unfortunately for my BS I was not in the right place to do what was required of me. I looked for a new job, but held out for a better/similar job. In hindsight we could have afforded for me to get any job and just get the hell out of the toxic situation I was in. My marriage is more important than a job. Especially one with so many triggers.

R is all about choices. I've made a lot of bad ones and every one as pushed chances of R backwards.

We often want our betrayed spouses to behave reasonably in unreasonable situations. Every time you leave for work ask yourself how your husband feels. Every time you balk on a request of his ask yourself why. Why is he making the request and then why are you balking?

^^^ YES. I wish I remembered this all the time ^^^

I agree that WS should leave their job if their BS requests it. However, it shouldn't be done in a knee jerk reaction if the family's well being (children, stability of home) will be adversely affected.

Mine was a workplace affair. I didn't leave my company, but rather changed roles and left the campus my AP is tied to due to his work.

Even so, hubby has remarkably BAD anxiety when I do have to go in to work on my other (new) campus.

Unfortunately our finances are in such a way that I cannot just leave my job without an equivalent. I have found one at another OEM and have applied. Time will tell if I get it and am able to switch. I said to my husband after progressing in our recovery that I was willing to quit and be home, if we could sell the house and downsize our lifestyle to fit on his salary alone while I looked for other work (we are up to our ears in debt and treading water, just starting to make progress now- thank GOD!). He was unwilling to do that as it would be too much upheaval for the family in a time of great stress.

So yeah, a spouse should leave if it will speed their BS recovery. However, a WS does have to consider the entire picture of family stability and well being.

I'm satisfied that I have done what I can for the time being to help my BS heal. I didn't need to change roles and campuses. My then boss was satisfied with my work and the work suited me. Changing roles even within a company is stressful- new people and new work I wasn't accustomed to (I'm a metallurgist and I was asked to work in ceramics and electronics- not my strong suits). However, all that discomfort on my part paled in comparison to what BH was going through. I changed because I knew my BH needed me off that campus as soon as possible.

Update: I actually didn't think I would be updating this post.

BH started his new job 9/13 and works random days and weekends. I do not get access to his schedule. And although it makes it tough logistically for the family, I do not have too much issue with it. Location services for me is more of a safety thing and not "I need to know where you are at all times" thing. He recently lost his phone and if he had turned off location services (happen to be on at this time) we would have not known where it was and that's an expensive phone. We also use the locations services on our kids phones for safety reasons. I had a GPS locator that only BH has access to installed in my car in addition to all the other safety measures we already had put in place prior. I do not have issues with him popping into my work at anytime he wants. That was never the issue. In fact invited him to come in and meet my co-workers and see my office. I would have been happy to surprisingly see him show up one day.

After digging into this with him I got some more answers. He does not have an issue with my job. Its that the AP knows where I work and what kind of car I drive. My BH is not worried that I will seek out the AP but that the AP will be seeking me out. He cannot see how AP let me go so easily. I will be selling my car (just paid off) once we get our finances straightened out. We are really in a finical hole right now due to one income for 6 months. And for now and the inevitable future I still work from home except for the 4 hours 2 days a week I must go in to meet with my student worker. And I only go when she she goes in. Which has only happened a handful of times. There have been a lot of quarantine issues on campus with the students coming back. I plan on remote working as long as I can and at this point the university is asking us to as well. And after that I will discuss it with my boss to see what accommodations can be made. Some positions will go exclusively remote. He said if I were to work in a different location and have a different car, he would not have an issue with keeping my job. I am also actively looking for other jobs. We both understand that its not going to be easy for me to find one and that I cannot leave my current job until I have secured another. We both understand that it could take an extended amount of time to find said job. I was offered an interview for a job that would have been sufficient but unfortunately that position was located in AP's hometown so it was a non-starter...

I have looked at this and tried to see all of this through my BH eyes and perspective. I understand that it keeps his anxiety high and weakens his feelings of safety. I am doing everything I can at the moment to try and minimized these things. In his own words he sees I am killing myself with everything I am doing to try and make it safe for him. I literally have done everything else he has asked of me and more. But I will continue to try harder and work on myself to be as safe as I possibly can for him.

Also in regards to BH not wanting to work vs. not emotionally being able to work. He was out of work for 6 months. DDay was 4 months prior to him quitting. Yes, the first month(or 2) was because he emotionally couldn't do it any more but after that amount of time he chose NOT to work. He could have very well gotten a job while I was required to stay home after quarantine started. He knew I was home and not in contact with AP because we never went anywhere for 4-5 months. He works in a much needed profession (RN) right now and can get a job and paid very well anywhere he would have liked.

Another factor in this is that we are not "reconciling" yet. He has not committed to our "new" marriage. And I have not been given the gift of reconciliation or forgiveness. I don't expect either of these things. I'm not entitled to them. I know its not for me to determine if/when that is done, but it for sure plays a factor in my resistance. He does not know if infidelity is a deal breaker for him yet. At the moment we are taking it one day at a time. We love each other and are hoping that will be enough to get us through this tough time. I hope that when we are actually reconciling (and more financial stable) that I will feel safer about my job situation and let go easier.

MIgander:

So yeah, a spouse should leave if it will speed their BS recovery. However, a WS does have to consider the entire picture of family stability and well being.

Exactly. This is what I am doing for US, not me. I am trying to open my BS eyes to see this too. He knows me leaving this job is detrimental to our family life right now but I think his pain is hindering his ability to see how much it would cost our family.

We cannot afford MC at this time. Hoping to start again eventually...

Thank you everyone for your replies.

[This message edited by MC64 at 5:24 PM, September 25th (Friday)]

I actually didn't think I would be updating this post.

Can I ask why?

If some of the replies (including my own) made you feel defensive or prickly I urge you to take a deeper look at that. Sometimes those are the ones that lead to deeper introspection and help reveal what needs to be worked on to heal.

After digging into this with him I got some more answers.

I’m glad to hear that you were able to get to the bottom of why he is making the request.