SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Justinn:

It is so hard because you are afraid to lose her. You must overcome your fear and become strong for your children.

Here is a simple list for you:

1.) STOP doing the pick-me-dance! Stop begging, crying, trying to reason with her, & asking her to break it off with her lover. These type of actions make you look weak, wimpy, & pathetic in her eyes. It is very unattractive. It makes her lover look strong.

2.) You have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it, and she has to believe it! It gives you power! Right now she has the power. Take it away from her!

3.) Do the 180. It must become your religion. Google: The 180 for Hurt Spouses

4.) Get STD tested. Make her do it too. Stop asking for sex with her. Shut her off. Be strong.

5.) DNA test your kids. You know she is a cheater, she may have done this before. It gives you strength.

6.) Be strong for your children. Don't let them see a father who is weak, but one who is brave & strong. Show them how to act when things are bad.

7.) She not only betrayed you, she betrayed your children. She threatened your health and theirs. She threatened your children's future. How would you react if an outsider did that, let alone their MOTHER!

Justinn,

About the OM he is attacking your marriage and your children's lives.

Given that you need to expose the OM to his parents, grandparents, siblings, workplace, church, linkedin, facebook etc. All at once without warnings or threats. Evil likes to work in darkness turn on the sun.

Proverbs

34 For jealousy enrages a husband, and he will show no mercy in the day of vengeance.

35 He will not be appeased by any ransom, or persuaded by lavish gifts.

Is the OM married? If so, expose to his wife, that'll almost certainly be the end of your wife's involvement with him. Many (almost all, in my personal experience) men are having affairs because it's an easy way to get some extra sex, they have 0 intention of leaving their wives/families, and, when that's threatened (by exposure) the cost of that extra sex suddenly becomes FAR too high. It's very likely that your wife "loves him" where he's just after some kinky/on the side sex. Her illusion, his reality, but she'll see the reality of it pretty darn quick when he does the classic move to his wife, throwing your wife under the bus and cutting all contact like a ghost.

So sorry your here man, keep your head up, and take decisive actions to get what you want. You want a D, see a lawyer, don't talk about it. You want the affair over, expose far and wide and watch is disappear.

I am struggling to do the 180. I even don't have any information with the OM. She cant even want to show her phone to me. And I'm losing hope I want to save our marriage but I cant do it alone. I keep telling to myself that it's over I don't want it anymore but why the hell I cant do it! It's so hard!

I am struggling to do the 180.

When you can find your strength, and your willpower, all you need to do is come here and say "Here is the situation, now what do I do?"

And we can tell you. We can literally give you step-by-step instructions.

We were all once in your shoes. And I don't think I've ever seen someone do a "perfect" 180. It's ok not to be perfect.

But you have to start. If you do a really good job with your 180 and honestly start heading in the direction of divorce, you may find that within a very short amount of time, she suddenly comes crawling back, begging at your feet, will do anything.

Or she may not. And even if she does, that may not be good enough for you in the end.

But you can't even get that chance until you really, really commit to this process.

I know it's hard. We all really, really know that. We've lived it. But you have to do it, or this cycle will continue for you.

So start here. Tell us: what is going on *right now* in your home? Where is WW? What is she doing?

[This message edited by Okokok at 8:11 PM, April 25th (Saturday)]

You've gotten a lot of good advice and direction. I want to grab one thing. The 180.

First and foremost, understand that the 180 is FOR YOU. Many people jump on it as some magic formula that will shock the WS into realizing what they're losing and come back to the marriage. Admittedly, that does occur sometimes. But the main point of the 180 is to teach and allow you to detach. Detachment is critical at this point. You need some clarity, some distance from your emotions so you can see things as they really are. This in turn, allows you to make better decisons, rooted in logic rather than emotion.

The 180 also lets you see your strength. You will see that you have the ability to walk in strength, to parent your children well no matter what's happening.

The 180 isn't about being mean. It's not about kicking her out of the house, or ignoring her. It's living YOUR life that does not include a nonremorseful cheating wife. No conversations with her unless it's about children or finances. Certainly no conversations about your feelings. If she goes out, or stays after work, cook dinner for you and the kids. (Bonus points if it's something she doesn't like). Don't save some for her. Put leftovers in the fridge immediately. When she comes home, she will find and prepare something to eat or she'll sulk. Either way, not your problem.

If you usually do things for her like filling the gas tank in her car or whatever, just stop. With or without notifying her. I'm personally a fan of no notification because I'm a little petty. I'd have found humor in it if my H had run out of gas because he didn't look at the fuel gauge. But that's me.

Anyway, I hope the point is clear. Hounding have to do every single thing listed in the 180. The idea is to live as though you are D'ed and allow both spouses to experience that shift in the relationship. As you become stronger and more healthy, you may be surprised one day to realize that not only are you not in love with your WW anymore, you don't even like her.

Peace and strength to you, brother.

I think i have the number of the OM but still not sure if this is him because I stalk on my wife cellphone and save the no. On my phone and said to her that she have a message and let her open it i see the message with only a "night" message I want to call that but I think its block or hidden cant message the no. Or message it. So is it the right thing to message this no. If this is the man. Would my wife would retaliate? What is the right thing to do now?

Stop acting out of fear, based on what you posted you have a WW in an ACTIVE A, therefore at this point you have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to work with and your ONLY logical choice is to file for D (you can always stop it if she comes around). File for D and EXPOSE her with ALL family and close friends without warning, if D papers don't shock her back to reality then nothing will, if so just let D run its course and get out of infidelity, we've seen this play out THOUSANDS of times, I know it's hard but your children deserve at least a stable parent, that's you now, also don't forget to get tested for STDs.

Can you get to the phone bill? If so you'll see his number and you can work from there. Just know that contacting him and telling him to stay away from your WW is not going to do anything. He almost surely knows you exist already and doesn't care. Also just because you went to her job once and were introduced as her husband in no way means that her boyfriend is not there. What I see here all the time is that unless the Wayward Spouse is on a dating app or something like that the most likely AP comes from their job and then second most likely seems to be from their past like a high school boyfriend or girlfriend or some other ex.

Your wife is telling and showing you explicitly that she does not want to be married to you any longer. You have to accept that this is your reality, not enjoy it but accept. It is tough I know but you really have no other option. Let me ask you something though that is not adding up. Why if your wife says she loves this man and doesn't want to be with you has she not left? Why is she still there? Most likely the OM has a wife or girlfriend and is not yet ready for your wife to do that. Find that person and do the right thing and tell her what is going on.

If your wife gets angry at you so what? What will she do, leave you for another man? I'm sorry but she's already done that. She's done the worst thing she can do already. Don't worry about making her angry. You really need to get a little anger yourself. Get angry for what she has done to you, to your family, to your future, to your kids. You say you don't want your kids to have a broken home but you didn't break it. Your wife did. This is not on you. Your kids can come out of this fine if you look out for them now. I don't think the answer is for their dad to stay in a marriage where their mom openly dates another man. That is not going to teach them how to have healthy, adult, intimate relationships.

At this day i messaged the OM and I didn't even know that they are co worker and the OM know that we are married I called him but he hang up on me. And my wife she's like protecting that guy. I'm sick and tired everyday she keeps telling a lie. And now I said to her that I'll leave the house and she even didn't say a thing. I'm done I gave up on her. Thank you so much for all of your replies. Is it fine if I still post here? Thank you so much. ",I can do this!"

I already gave up when she said to me that "what do you want me to do when I love this man not you". I think she's still staying because of the kids because she have a big debt that she need helps because she's ashamed that her relatives will know that what she's done. I don't know right now I'm done with it. I did everything and I have enough.

You're coming to grips with reality, she's gone, EXPOSE her with all family and close friends, file for D and have her served at work, by all means keep posting frequently, this is a crucial time and the collective wisdom of SI can help you go through this difficult situation.

Keep posting here!

Sorry it came to this - please know you deserve better.

Hi I'm back. I want to say that I have stopped perusing my wife. I am doing hard 180 right now. And we have talked the other day about the OM. She cried a lot because she is loving a man the doesn't love her. Yes she said the man didn't love her. And I said that I am moving on and I want to file a divorce now she said not right now she said maybe we need more time and someday we will go back together again. And I sad I'm sorry but it's over now I want a girl that will love me back that will give me attention and that is not you. Right now I cant leave the house yet because i dont have any work because of the pandemic. But soon if I have a work I will leave the house. Right now I need advice. Did I make the right choice?

Advice? Make her leave the house. Drop a bag of her stuff at her other man's house. Make it uncomfortable for her.

Advice? Make her leave the house.

If you can, that is what I would do.

Never leave your home. You need legal help before anything else.

Hi again. My wife and I talk the other day and said she's moving on and will stop the affair. She dont have no contact to the OM anymore. And I ask her that is there any chance to save our marriage. And she said I dont know that yet because I'm in the process of moving on. I know I'm an idiot to still hope that we can still save our marriage. What do I need to do? Wait for her or totally give up? I still love my wife so much.

BE proactive and END this farce of M, file for D and get out of infidelity, you don't need to wait for her to get her head out of her ass, you deserve so much better than a proven cheater and a liar, the only reason she's still there is because "OM doesn't love her" otherwise she would dump you at the drop of a hat, don't be anybody's plan B, file for D and get out of infidelity NOW !.

I’m sorry man, this is awful.

She is in love with another man that doesn’t want her, at least, doesn’t want her full time, just for sex. She is probably coming to realize this, but is still screwed up in her thinking.

Weak men (and I am NOT calling you weak) are unattractive to women. She is realizing you might actually leave her and she is fearful of the financial Implications, what her family will think of her after all this comes out, she will be alone, etc.

She is simply stringing you along. I would bet, if you did a hard 180 and maintained as little contact as possible, started doing things for yourself, she will come to you balling her eyes out about she made a terrible mistake.

Don’t do what I did, and live through false R and multiple ddays!