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That is absolutely sick and evil. You understand her pain so you are without excuse.

Analyst, have you been to IC? You might need to work on your own healing. I can’t see how this could be beneficial to you. Inflicting pain intentionally on another BS is cruel.

What you are doing is cruel. It's past mean.

You have no idea what is going on in their marriage now. It has been a year. Please go take a gander at what some of us who are about a year out and chose to reconcile are going through. The OBS doesn't need your selfish and mean spirited reminders - she lives with one.

Do you think a marriage that is one year out from infidelity is a cake walk? The AP is faced with a reminder of the worst thing he has ever done every single day. He may be watching his wife cry herself to sleep regularly, he may be sleeping on a couch or working up separation papers

Why is this man so important to you that you would go against yourself? Good people don't torture innocent people. Go No Contact and stop harassing a person who did NOTHING to you.

Next time write your cruel messages in a journal. Write a story about how hard it is to stay with someone who cheated Go read the reconciliation board and develop some empathy for the other spouse. Seek help on appropriate ways to vent anger. Treat the OBS how you would like to be treated. Keep your eyes on your own paper and focus on yourself instead of obsessing about other people.

Analyst,

You cannot extract your pound of flesh from another betrayed.

In doing so, you become what you hate. Someone who inflicts pain on an innocent.

It’s cruel and it’s beneath you.

This is just cold. Nothing wrong with getting some vengeance, but beating up on someone who is hurting as much as she probably is is wrong.

you could send the ap a card to his work instead

It would be useless as he would just throw it away and it would not achieve its purpose.

Sure sure you want to ruin AP's hollidays as yours were ruined and upsetting the OBS is the way to make that happen. She's just collateral damage to you then

I 100% agree that she is a collateral damage. Her children are collateral damage too. However, they are collateral damage of her husband's irresponsible actions and her husband's selfishness. Everything else, his loss of job, him beeing unemployed and later under-employed are just consequences...

If you want, punish her Husband any way you want within the confines of the law.

I see really no other way: he got fired and yes, generally once you lose your job you generally lose your family health insurance. I always stay within legal boundaries. Plus, the laws in this country are really screwed up: infidelity is 100% legal and does not affect property split or child custody. I just do not feel that he has suffered enough. He earn less, no doubt but he is still alive. He drives less expensive vehicle but he still drives. You know what I mean.

didn't you also go after his job,and get him fired? AND made sure to do all that you could to prevent him from getting other jobs? All while knowing he and his BW have a very ill child who absolutely needed the insurance provided by his old job, and the future employment. So the child was uninsured,and didn't get the treatment they needed?

I did not go after his job. He lost his job because of violation of company's policy and the threat of the lawsuit just made him a legal liability to his employer. What both of them should have done (according to company's policy) is to inform his superior and HR and both had to sign the waiver that the "relationship" is willful and their employer is in no way responsible. Yes, my actions contributed but ultimately it was a business decisions his former employer had to make. He did find a new job in the same field and updated his LinkedIn. At which point, the his new employer got all the correspondence he and my ex had on their IM as well as the allegations of sexual harassment. This information came to HR via registered mail and his new employer had to decide what to do with it. They also had to make a business decision: if they keep him and he does something similar they can no longer claim they had no idea, like his prior employer claimed. My ex did not get fired because well, she is a woman and she was a subbordinate... go figure the logic yourself. In no time the fact that his child needed health coverage entered my consideration. After all, it never entered his conaideration and it was his child so he had to think about it, right? The kid still got the treatment. It is just his family had to pay for COBRA and pay out of pocket for whatever COBRA does not cover.

So why bother posting? Sideways bragging?

The OBS did not condone or encourage the affair. She IS collateral damage, and you actually enjoy torturing her.

Does your WS not respect you? If not, then leave.

Living a life where you get a pound of flesh (and yes, some people are absolutely wired that way) - it leads to a huge pile of rancid rotting flesh and not much else. The smell of it drives real human beings away and the stacks of it take up all the room in your heart for real love.

So relish in that, or live an authentic life.

Analyst,

Did you reconcile or divorce?

This behavior is vengeful and vindictive. You should get yourself into IC.

Poor OBS - I hope she has somewhere like SI to support her.

Do you think that by harassing this poor woman you will force her to eventually leave him? What is your end game?

The AP is faced with a reminder of the worst thing he has ever done every single day. He may be watching his wife cry herself to sleep regularly, he may be sleeping on a couch or working up separation papers

I do not think he is faced with anything: OBS is a stay home mom because she needs to take care of their children. If they divorce she will get child and spousal support from much lower wage: Home Depot does not pay much. My intension was not to hurt her. My intension was to hurt him. I doubt he enjoyed his holidays. I know he did not enjoy the first card. They did not respond to subsequent cards. There is no way she could afford to divorce him. She pretty much has to stay home.

Did you reconcile or divorce?

At the beginning we tried to stay together but then the pressure was just too much. After all, "I had to do something", otherwise my family would not accept my choices. So I told her that I had to divorce just to show that I am not a wall mat. I think overall men do not forgive infidelity and statistics show it. I also could not divorce right away because at that time we had a house. I did tell her that I am willing to try to stay together if she satisfy my all demands including filing a law suit against her boss and his company for "knowing and condoning". This got her AP fired. I also demanded that we sell our house because I could not live there. One day we had an argument where I blamed her that we have sold the house even though I did insist on selling it. She responded that it was something I insisted. I got upset and packed some of her stuff and drove her to the shelter telling her that perhaps she would appreciate living there if she did not appreciate the house... anyways, long story short: I drained the bank account later and then filed for D.

[This message edited by Analyst at 7:29 PM, November 28th (Tuesday)]

It sounds like maybe you just want to take out your unresolved rage against your cheating wife, and since the OBS is a convenient target, projecting it onto her and hurting her is a good enough substitute.

Or maybe since your wife was a cheater, you subconsciously paint all women with the whore brush now, and abuse the OBS because she's a woman and you think she deserves to be punished.

Either way it's disordered and abusive and you need mental healthcare before you escalate.

So you know the OBS has to stay with her husband for financial reasons, and yet you choose to abuse her every year over her non-choice?

Dude, seek help.

I'm sure on the nights you can't sleep that you realize that "score keeping" in life is exhausting. I hope you can find a way to just stop and live happily. If you do have another relationship, that's a lot of baggage to bring with.

You know what analyst, what you're doing to this INNOCENT woman is WORSE than what this OM and your wife did.

"Plus the laws in this country are really screwed up"???

WHY DON'T YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR AS YOU'RE THE ONE WHO IS SCREWED UP!!!!

I have read some really screwed up things on SI but this has got to be one of THE most PATHETIC.

This is the most unbelievable behavior I have heard of from a BS in the 3 1/2 years I have been reading here. Wow.

You think the AP doesn't face his wife every single day? You think that just because she stays at home with the kids and is financially dependent on him that she is super nice to him? Once again, I invite you to stroll through the reconciliation form.

Your lack of empathy for the OBS and the child involved is alarming. I hope you find peace and leave the innocent people you are completely fine with tormenting alone.

My intension was not to hurt her. My intension was to hurt him. I doubt he enjoyed his holidays.

The AP didn't mean to hurt you, he just meant to have sex with a woman who was wiling.

See how this sounds?

His WIFE didn't enjoy her holidays. HIS KID probably didn't enjoy the holidays either because his mother was a wreck.

[This message edited by strugglebus at 8:46 PM, November 28th (Tuesday)]