SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am getting the feeling that you simply want to be heard and understood by your wife.. Not be told that you are crazy or have your feelings dismissed..

If your wife respects and considers your feelings, I sense that your hurt and anger will run its course and you will be able to put this behind you sooner as something that happened before marriage..

Having and communicating respect for your (each other's) feelings may be the underlying issue..

Man I sure hate to hear all of this for you. It really sucks. Your now wife should've given you an opportunity to make an informed decision on your future by telling you the truth before she married you.

It seems that she has had no problem cheating on you in the past and I wouldn't put it past her to have done it again. I haven't read this whole thread yet but you are in shock just as if it just happened. Stay strong man. You two are going to need some counseling. I'm not trying to plant seeds in your mind but I'd do some investigating to make sure there isn't more.

Most of us can remember the romantic moment of the marriage proposal with fondness. What have you got; another guy was ejaculating into your wife as you asked the question. One hell of a memory.

On top of that when you saw her later she made sure you had sloppy semen seconds from the Adonis. Does she have any respect for you?

The conclusion is that she was possibly not in love with you when she married you; in essence you were a meal ticket or a guarantee she would not be 'left on the shelf,' or an opportunity to start a family very soon. Wouldn't waste any time buying this lady flowers or preparing candlelit dinners. The word romance is not in her vocabulary.

I know if I leave her, my memories will travel with me, the good and the bad. If I WERE TO MEET ANOTHER WOMAN, I will still think of her and him. I don’t want to leave my wife, I love her, she has been the only women I have ever really known and loved. I don’t want anyone else. Unfortunately I am not a person who forgets. I don’t know how to let go. I learned about all of this a few months back and just found this site. The suggestions have been good, but I’m not ready to let go I’m to mad and upset. Each and every day I replay the Polaroid pictures that were in my wife’s diary as well as sometimes re-read the passages. They are quite graphic. I find that when I’m intimate with my wife I’m always turned on and we both are fulfilled. Sometimes I think about the pictures and it’s like a porn surge and the sex is unbelievable. Other times it’s a catalyst for anger and I want and sometimes hurt her because I’m not gentile or lovingly passionate, I may stroke or squeeze her to hard. It’s like I’m using her as a slut. I feel guilty afterwards and apologize. She knows something is eating at me, she tells me I’m not being tender. All of these feelings are new. My wife and I have always found intimacy between us wonderfully exciting. But now things have changed, I‘m bring up personal info that my wife shared with me in a negative way. The other night I wanted to get romantic and my wife wasn’t interested. Instead of holding her and watching TV like we have always done, I said “You never had any problem putting out for your old boyfriends, and you certainly made your body wide open for your Adonis lover; aren’t I good enough for at least a BJ,” and then we argue. This whole thing is warping me; I don’t like the person I’m becoming.

This is directed to "OK now." Thank you for your direct response, your short statement divinity summarizes what has been eating at me and I was afraid to face it. What am I to do every year when the day I proposed rears its ugly head? How do I celebrate this occasion? Do I get flowers and congratulate her for having sex with another guy? Do I get a card that says congratulations for getting well lubed for me? Or do I ask her to do some of the activities to me that she did with her Adonis that I’ve never experienced with her? What about the fact I was denigrated to a second class male relegated to sloppy seconds.

You are probably right; she never loved me or really cared. She told me that she didn’t think our relationship was going anywhere, so she has sex with her Adonis. What woman does this? Why didn’t she just end it with me? She was keeping her options open. She knew I loved her, or at least I thought she did. Why would she say yes to someone she didn’t like after having all of her orifices filled with another guys fluids. Your maybe right, she didn’t want to be left on the shelf, nobody else asked her; just this “…hole.” Her Adonis called it right when he described me! But even after what I just wrote, she has been my wife for over ten years and she has shown that she cares. Or has it all been a lie?

What happyman64 said.

She said a number of his guy friends would ask her out on a date and she was excited that guys were calling for dates. At the end of the date they expected to have sex with her. She said that when she told them no, a few got physical and had sex with her. She said it was easier to give in than fight with them. They told her their friend said she was an “easy lay.” She said that since she was no longer a virgin she had nothing to save. When she dated a guy and he wanted sex she wanted to please him and had sex. She said she wanted his approval and love. She then admitted she had a very low opinion of herself and sex seemed to be a way to feel better and elevate her self-esteem; but of course she realized it didn’t. She also said that sex with the right person was fun and pleasurable. She said if guys could enjoy it why not her.

Just because she has remained faithful(you believe) for 10 years, does not mean that she has rid herself of her problems. At this point, they may even be harder to deal with---but that doesn't mean they can be ignored.

You have just learned that your whole marriage started off with cheating and lies. That terrible foundation that I stated earlier. But this can't be undone, so where do you go from here? It starts with BOTH of you having the proper mindset to want to fix this mess. Resistance to communication and counseling will be indicators of where your marriage will inevitably end up. She has to want to resolve her past issues, and you will have to want her to do so. You should also seek counseling as to why you needed to propose to her, when you KNEW that she was going to sleep with a guy. You may learn to discover things about yourself that you didn't realize.

It is all part of the two of you strengthening your marriage.

Regretfully, there will be immense pain ahead....for both of you....if the two of you truly commit to reconciliation. If your wife won't explore her core problems, then at least you will have a definite answer of where you are prioritized in her life....and can make decisions based off of that. It may suck, but it will be progress.

Are you willing to go this route?

I concur. jb said it perfectly. In my previous post I alluded to the fact that she may be hiding something and that is why she didnt want to go to MC. Safe to say you found it and she's hiding from herself. IC for both of you friend.

You guys can do this.

Your maybe right, she didn’t want to be left on the shelf, nobody else asked her; just this “…hole.” Her Adonis called it right when he described me!

Now lets get this straight. Just because two immature, emotionally repressed, sexually charged buffoons managed to get together one weekend 10 years ago, doesn't make YOU an a-hole.

I am sure that if you wife looked at her diary now 10 years later and with a brain filled with more than her ego, she would probably die with her leg in the air at how crass and immature the whole thing was. If not, you have bigger problems than her previous sexual promiscuity.

I can fully understand how you must feel. It was totally disrespectful not only to you but also to herself even with the excuse that she thought your relationship was going nowhere.

If you truly feel she has been faithful to you all these years then you are going to have to find a way to put this in the vault and throw away the key. That is going to take a little while my friend but that's OK. She married you because after the blood returned to her head from her giddy, sexual somersaults, she realised what a moron she was and how great a catch you were.

When things have settled down perhaps you could consider re-writing history and reenacting your proposal in a way that will replace the present revolting imagery. If it's any consolation, I'm sure she would prefer to have a more romantic memory of the event that she currently has.

You have 10 years of history and beautiful children. What has the idiot, brain-dead "Adonis" got? A big dick? Well, big deal. Next time you have the pleasure of bumping into him tell him that you've just heard that silicon implants for the brain have now been invented and you feel he would look so much better with a couple. Just make sure you've got your running shoes on at the time.

You are right to feel violated and disgusted but your wife's past doesn't have to be your future. Keep posting here, get your feelings out. Hopefully you can also find a good counselor either for yourself or with your wife so you can move forward from this.

Thinking of you.

EJ

The words 'I love you' are bandied about in most relationships with virtual flippancy; IMO the words don't mean at lot; I would settle for healthy respect and thats what is missing in your marriage. At least it started out that way and you need to sit down with your wife and find out just how much status you have in her eyes; what level of respect does she have for you after 10 years have passed.

If you continue with the anger and distress she will begin to draw away from you and your relationship will be damaged. That means as well as coping with the memories of her betrayal, you will be faced with having to repair a broken marriage. It will negatively impact your children as well.

Talk to your wife and calmly explain how you see the Adonis incident; how utterly unromantic it was; such a degrading squalid, memory that stains your marriage and forces you to question her love for you and the reasons she married you in the first place. Its important to talk to her in emotional terms not the physical aspects of the Adonis sex. She will be sensitive to your emotional pain but not the chest beating 'my woman gave herself to another man' perspective. Discuss her treacherous betrayal in her language; how she would be impacted if you had done this to her.

In the end the pain needs to managed by you. If the marriage is to continue harmoniously then you need to state your disgust at her sluttish behavior then let it go, keep it to yourself and move on. You are not free to push this into her face at frequent intervals or the marriage and especially the sexlife, will be considerably damaged.

State your point of view and how you have been forced to see the marriage, tainted by her disgusting, disloyal behavior, in a different light, then move on. Let her digest her shame but drop the issue, or things will get very much worse I promise.

Really like the post from Ellejay and I fully agree. You are not an asshole!

[This message edited by OK now at 7:18 AM, March 6th (Thursday)]

I found out about what my husband did (boyfriend at the time) 6 months ago and I cry, hate him, and try to forgive. This is going to take some time believe me. I had to get on Xanax to forget all this crap. We believe that they were feeling the same way we were and it just wasn't the same. I don't know what to do and I'm taking it day by day. He tries to blame ME and tell me to move on but there are still questions in my head. They won't go away it's just that you have to see if you want to be with your wife or not.

I can hold on to a grudge for so long and I fear that I will always hold on to it as well.

Thank you all. I KNOW I’m not an ass, but when I get angry and relive her sexual experience the rage mushrooms into hate and loathing of her and even me at times. I try to mask it by finding things to do away from the house, it isn’t working. I think I’m going crazy. As I try to live with this, strange thoughts run through my mind.

I tell myself that I can intellectually accept her sleeping with another dude. This is going to sound strange, but proud that someone else wanted her, and I don’t mean it in a sexually perverted way either. This even, I tell myself seems to bolsters my ego that I have something that others wanted. The sex act can be just a physical event like tennis, football, dancing, playing cards, but a closer contacted sport. I know this sounds crazy. But this is me rationalizing. (IT IS CRAZY, I DON’T BUY IT, why did I even think it?) Then my thoughts return to the two of them naked, doing things to each other that excites the prurient deviant nature in us, and my anger rages again. Remember, I have pictures of the two of them together and the descriptions in her diaries. Why did she do it, was it to hurt me? Why did she let him write in her diary? I never did that, I didn’t know she kept a diary until many years into our marriage.

Your telling me to lock it away sounds easy, I CAN’T. I’m too close to the information at this time.

You can private message me any time and we can discuss our feelings together because I am in the same position you are.

My H kept a book a list of all the women he has ever slept with. Of course I didn't mind the ones before me except the one because he lied to me that he never did.(she had actually slept with my brother) I stated that I would never sleep with anyone who has slept with anyone that was my family.

The list he had, had 2 girls name after mine and I happen to run into a letter from a former girlfriend about meeting up in another town to have sex. So I know exactly how you're feeling.

I'm still in the anger and emotional stage and it's been 6 months, the thought running through my head happen all the time.

His reasoning like your wife's is that he said he thought we would never make it and that he had no plans on getting married. In fact he states it wasn't cheating because we were just "dating"

It's a hard road and you should know you're not alone.

Question is, can we move on from it?

No you won't be able to lock it away because she has drawn pictures for you literally. Not only that, you have to look her in the face every day and try not to see her with the OM which is just about impossible at this stage.

I feel for you I really do. I guess in time and with her doing a hell of a lot of reassuring and showing remorse for her incredible lack of judgment, you may get to a place where you can put it in a drawer but you are a long way off from that.

My idiot ex H had planned to film himself with at least one of his OW. I am so glad I didn't have the trauma of finding any of that as I would have been physically sick.

If your wife thought that having the kind of sex she had with her Adonis was keeping her "options" open then she had a very warped sense of her self worth at the time. Not a good move to show just how experienced you are on the first date. I don't know the age of your wife but it is all incredibly immature stuff and a huge price to pay.

You are supported here stu23. Hugs to you.

EJ

I am so sorry ((Stu23))

I think after she saw the proposal was real she began to try and cover this up. I mean if you knew the truth would you have gone through with the engagement. She never really gave you an option by giving you all of the information you needed to decide if you wanted to still M her or not. She lied and duped you into Ming her. I understand that must feel extremely upsetting to you. At the end of the day that is the issue you have with her. She did not tell you the truth. She lied. She has proven to you she is not who you thought she was when you married her. She accepted your proposal under false pretenses.

You mentioned enough about your W for me to know that there are deep traumas in her past too. Often times a person acting from a deep sense of personal pain cannot act like a somewhat more healthy person could do. In a bubblegum psychology take on it would be that her traumas have caused her to resent men in general. Any man close to her in her life will play the role of a man who has hurt her deeply in the past. Sadly Stu that was/is you. She was doing anything to you in particular, she was trying to get even with all of those guys over the years that victimized her. She wanted to feel less like a victim and more like a perpetrator. In her messed up mindset those are the only two roles available. Sleeping with you on a first date isn't a good sign either. Most women or even girls wouldn't act that way.

She was and still is to some extent "broken." There isn't a better way to say it. She is going to have to work far enough along before you could work at repairing this M.

It seems that right now you are leaning towards working it out and that is very admirable of you. You have to decide if there is enough to save and weigh that against the cost of what you will have to endure to get there.

Nothing and I mean no amount of a traumatized past gives her a pass on her behavior. It can explain it enough that you could see how it was possible, but it never excuses her responsibility in this, ever.

At some point your M could be good again and you won't think about this as often. You will never forget so that leads to this next point.

Your telling me to lock it away sounds easy, I CAN’T. I’m too close to the information at this time.

Since you are never going to forget something so traumatizing, for the rest of your lives, if the memory is hurting you, you have to lean on your W to help you through it. You know as you would in a healthy M about other topics. You don't use it to bash her, but you communicate you are feeling down thinking about it and she helps you. After all, she caused it, she could do that much. She can be redeemed through that too. That isn't today, that is a long time from now. Today you have to get some counseling and your wife, on some levels, needs counseling most urgently. IC for both before MC. MC isn't going to work for either of you until the traumas of the past can be examined and mitigated. MC is about the M going forward, IC is about working through the past so it doesn't follow you into the future.

Right not you are looking at events of the past with a "normal" mindset. It will never make sense logically because it isn't logical. Your W has never had that normal mindset. People with that mindset do not do the things she has done and carry on their lives. The guilt would eat them alive from the inside out.

FWIW- I thought our relationship was over is not a valid explanation. I am sure, right now, it looks like your M could be over. Does that mean you hop into the sack with the first willing woman? No it doesn't. Your W has had 10 years to justify this in her head and find a way to explain it away. She at first, is going to feed you that crap she has fed herself. Reject them all because I can tell you they are most likely crap.

Both you should talk to counselor individually ASAP. Only once this trauma calms down can you incorporate this history into your M. That alone is a lot of work, but if you love her it could be worth it.

As far as she did things with him that she would no do with you. That is something that plagues a lot of guys. I have never heard of or been told a rational or even an emotional explanation that even partially addresses it. Trust me I have looked. Everywhere.

One small comfort right now is that your W didn't have children with him or choose to stay faithful to him for ten years either. As much as we men think, looks don't always matter as much as character does to a woman. Think about this when you got engaged she had such a low opinion of men in general that she used and abused them. Over the past 10 years you have proven to her that there are some men out there who aren't bad at all. In fact they are everything a man is supposed to be. In essence your behaviors made her change her beliefs and showed her what a real man was all about. In this one area you've made so much progress, won a very large battle. It is not easy for someone with these kinds of problems to stay with someone for this long unless they are really special and more than worth it. Remember that next time you get angry. Also remember, don't let this experience change the good guy you are. Don't become too angry, abusive (vis-a-vis) the rough stuff in bed you mentioned).

The way I see it man, you got character in spades and a lot of women find that very attractive. The other guy doesn't have that and if you could find him today I'd bet you find a lonely washed A$$hole with no kids to carry on his legacy and a reputation he has earned through his actions. He is scum, don't compare yourself to scum. It is easy to see who the better man is.

You've earned the opposite reputation, no matter where your M ends up, don't through that away over something that was outside of your control.

Sorry for the length. I can tell you are hurting and hopefully some things I have said help you a bit.

PM me if you want to. When I was in your similar shoes I had some BH offer PM support. Happy to pay that forward.

As I said in earlier posts I was a virgin when I met my girlfriend/wife, and she was a very experienced women; she was my very first and only sex partner. This didn’t bother me at the time, we were both in our early twenties and we both made choices how and what we would do with our lives. I never had a problem getting a date and all of my relationships were enjoyable. Now, after my wife’s discloser to me, I find I am now dwelling on all her sexual experiences and lumping everything I know about them into my personal anger. I’m using it as ammunition to attack her. If we aren’t romantic when I think we should be, I remind her that she did “that” with a boyfriend and aren’t I good enough for the same thing. I’m very graphic in my description of what she did and what I now want. I know this is destructive, and I’m trying to stop. When I catch myself beginning to provoke I leave the house.

I just want to vent. I want her to comprehend what I’m going through. I don’t think she does. I may be simplifying this, but to her I think it was just sex a physical act, no big deal it didn’t mean anything. (I don’t look at it that way.) Maybe that’s why she keeps saying, “It happened in another life, don’t dwell on the past. I can’t change it. We’ve got our life now.”

numb and dumb

Thank you for the time and thought in your comments. As I read your words I did get emotional and will use what you said to try and quell my anger.

I think its a valid argument that your wife had a very warped attitude about men and sex 10 years ago and if she has been faithful through the marriage, it would seem that you have helped to bring about a change in her.

If you continue with the rage and anger it could undermine all you have done. You obviously have been a very good husband and father and you have a perfect right to condemn your wife's actions and deplorable behavior all those years ago. You have right to tell her the marriage has been corrupted by her extreme disloyalty and pandering to her Adonis boyfriend. I agree its astonishing that she would accept your marriage proposal after the degree of her sexual perversions and treachery, but thats written in history and will be a part of her eternal shame.

I think your staying away from your wife as much as possible is a good idea. If you are not physically with her there can be no conflict and hostility. At the same time take a break from sexual relations for a few months until the pain eases. And it will.

I agree, I thought if I jumped in bed with my husband that the emotions would all change but it didn't. I've taken the time to not sleep with him and it has worked out.

You need to go into counseling if you want to stay married.

I've been going and it's helped me a lot. I know that I am a better person than what my husband is and I have no reason to hide my head in shame.

The other women have lost their homes, have no kids, and are what I see them as, WHORES!!

I'm married and I'm the one he chose to be with. If she hasn't showed you that she's been unfaithful since you've been married then what do you want?

Stu:

Man, I really can understand why you're struggling with this, and I know it's hard to believe, given your present distress, but you can channel these feelings towards positive outcomes. Many here have been through this or worse, so please keep sharing your struggles here-- you will get better advice here for FREE than in a year of marriage counseling!

Forgive me for my upcoming verbosity-- but I want just to join the chorus and offer more encouragement and perspective.

First off, I admire that you chose to remain a virgin until you married. Very few men or women do that in this day and age, and the fact that you did is truly commendable, and an incredible gift to your wife. I really, really mean that-- I wish to this day I'd done the same.

I know this discovery was humiliating, in light of the past comments by your wife about Mr. Adonis and his body, and the past disgusting comments BY Mr. Adonis about you. But listen, you've done nothing to be ashamed of and you've got MUCH to be proud of. The snide, sleaze-bag comments of some bygone serial bootyhound in a long ago time have no relevance or power to change that. (For all you know, he's an STD infected, beer-bellied, ten-times-divorced wretch by now. You can bet he's going to be a crappy, unfaithful husband who makes his wife/wives utterly sick at the sight of him...)

You, however, are the textbook example of a faithful husband. And, lest your Male Pride deceive you, this isn't weakness, it's strength. REALLY!

You're RIGHT to be bothered. Particularly that she kept that damn diary around! She needs to OWN that and needs to understand why it made her past transgression even harder to forgive. She needs to understand why it makes your wound so much deeper-- and be accountable for healing you and restoring your trust and respect. She need to appreciate that your real trauma is that her past and present actions have destroyed the preciousness of Your Marriage Narrative. What once might've been so romantic, so special to you has been stained and made sordid by the truth.

You will want VERY BADLY to punish her for her sins, but it is far, far better that you forgive them and she atone for them. Yes, you're hurt-- and yes, it's her fault! Let her know the depth of your wounds and give her a chance to make restitution. It will not change your past-- but it can change your future-- and that is where you're going next.

Try, if you can, to channel your anger and pain into productive outlets that will better yourself; hit the gym and become an Adonis yourself, developing your natural talents with renewed passion, whatever. Don't use your rage and pain to browbeat her about her past actions, or to coerce her to gratify you sexually so as to shame her and reinforce your own wounded pride.

Hurting her because she hurt you is "justice", but it's the Low Road and it leads to a lot more suffering. You're on the High Road, and it sounds like you've walked it your whole marriage and before. Give your wife a chance to walk it with you. Not because she's earned that privilege, but because you're the Better Man. And that's what Better Men do.

“It happened in another life, don’t dwell on the past. I can’t change it. We’ve got our life now.”

The only true part of that statement is that it can't be changed. It can be apologized for, restitution s made and forgiven, but it can't be changed.

No it it did not happen in another life. In happened in this life. She doesn't get that this is not the past to you. You found out about this recently. This is causing you to question the life that you now have and if you really want that life. No she has had the life for the past ten years. You have been manipulated for the past ten years and winder what else she has lied to you about. Trust has disappeared. That you and me forever feeling is in jeopardy.

DO NOT sweep this under the rug. You have a very valid concern. Your W needs to understand that M end over lies like this. I don't think she gets the severity of her lies.

What's done is done, but she has been lying about it for ten years. Very much relevant in any life she chooses to compartmentalize it into.

Please, I have a nagging question about my wife. This has been eating at me and feeding my anger related to finding out about her weekend affair with the guy she called an Adonis. We have been married for just over 10 years and we have shared intimacies and romance that have fulfilled all our needs. Up until I found out about that weekend I believed we had a loving relationship with trust that permitted us as a couple to be able to lust after each other which met all the emotional intimate needs we both had. I’m sorry if this sounds like a convoluted way to ask this question. But as a naive person I don’t understand how she could do things of a sexual nature with a guy she spent a weekend with that she wouldn’t do with her own husband (I didn’t think anything could be embarrassing between us) who supposedly knows her body inside and out; we did have 2 children together. I understand taboos and boundaries, but if she did things with him, why not with her husband. I may be way out in left field with this, but I need an answer. I’m trying to put pieces together so I can resolve this emotional trauma. I thought if I could diagram all of the pieces it might bring a resolution of some kind. If I have gone completely crazy, tell me that also. This doesn’t excuse what happened or the deceit, I’m grasping at straws here. I haven't had much sleep or food at this point and may be loosing it.