SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Shortly after my D-Day, I resolved to hold out for one year before I made a definitive decision on R or D. I knew the stakes were super high, and that I was in no mental/emotional state to make such a decision. I wrote a lot here, learning and processing. I observed my ex, and used this forum to help me try to make sense of her chaos. It’s totally ok to take the time you need, it’s your life.

I think what you are describing as negativity is people who have been deeply wounded by wayward behavior trying to guide a new unfortunate. Assuming your wife has done what you believe she has, she has done horrible things and is continuing to. A week of laying low doesn’t change that. And while it looks so tempting to just "forgive and forget" to get back to the life you thought you had, rugsweeping is a recipe for long term misery. I hope for so much better than that for any human being.

As InkHulk said, the life/relationship you had with her as you knew it is gone. You now have to decide if you want a new relationship with her. Is it possible to have a good relationship with her in the future? Yes, but only if she does a lot of work for a very long time with no setbacks

It is typical in the early stages to try and convince yourself that everything will be okay, that he / she is sorry for what they did, will never do it again, and you can get back to the life you had but this is fantasy. People have tried to rug sweep only to have the problems reemerge much worse years down the road

Please put a hold on the MC for several months. They tend to focus on convincing you to put the affair behind you and focus on building a brand new shiny sparkly relationship and this is the worst thing you can do in my opinion. That's what I did and in hindsight it was a mistake because she did just that. She tried to get me to focus on improving our communication and by the third session I had enough and said are we going to get around to talking about why we are here?

From that point forward she tried a couple of more times and I would quickly redirect the focus on to the fact that my wife had an affair and that's what we need to talk about. I would have been much better off if I had done IC for several months and then if I still wanted to work on the relationship then find an MC

Please focus on yourself, what you need, your healing. I know as a parent we want to do what is best for our children, sometimes at our own detriment, but if you do not heal yourself first the relationship will suffer and that will affect the kids

[This message edited by WB1340 at 7:29 PM, Tuesday, January 20th]

WB1340 wrote:

Is it possible to have a good relationship with her in the future? Yes, but only if she does a lot of work for a very long time with no setbacks

I generally agree with you on pretty much everything, and I feel like we have a sort of kindred connection because you were married/together for the same amount of time I was, 27 years, when I had my d day. Your wife's initial reaction was also similar to my wife's initial reaction when first confronted. I'm familiar with your story.

I would only gently change your quote to say "minimal setbacks." I think occasional minor setbacks can be dealt with and worked out. Maybe even expected.

Well I’m sorry to say you’re all right about everything my dumbass just wanted to hold on for hope but I guess that’s not a thing. I'm not allowed to say anything negative I had a bad day today and tried to talk to her and she flipped out so I guess my sons birthday party will be a shitty one this year as we do it separately I should have just left I knew it was to good to be true.

You're not a dumbass. These situations don't come with a handbook and quite a few of us wanted to hold out hope.

That said, I don't think anyone here wants to be right about this stuff. We've just seen it played out over and over on these boards so we have the benefit of a sort of hindsight while you're going through it for the first time, flying by the seat of your pants. Sorry you had a rough day and she wasn't sensitive to it, but this isn't unheard of.

I’m just tired of not being able to talk to her about anything unless it’s sunshine and roses everything is met with defensiveness and turned around on me. My attorney is out of town until next Monday so I hope she can get me in then and I’m just going to file and go I can’t keep doing this. I can’t stand her continuing to work there and as she says act accordingly to my mood which tells me it’s just that an act to get past this and move on with her search of the next guy I guess she has her pick at that place.

Of course there will be daily swings in how things progress.
Some time ago I posted three possible strategies when it was becoming clear the poly was an issue. I want to repost one of the suggestions:

Give yourself time.
I think you could benefit from some professional help to deal with the trauma life has shoved down your throat.
You can tell your wife that for NOW you are focusing on yourself and your health. I don’t want to make too much of your drinking, but friend – why were you drinking 2-4 mixed drinks each day? What were you escaping from? Stress, unhappiness, anxiety? Totally 100% irrespective of your marriage or the future of your marriage – tend to your own happiness and mental state.
Tell her that for the next 3 months the two of you will cohabit – but that until you are capable of resolving your emotions regarding her behavior with OM then the future of the marriage is on hold. For those months you are OK with the marriage being mehhh... You can coexist, be amicable and friendly, do family-stuff... but that is time you will use to rebuild YOUR strength and decide your future.
If she truly wants the marriage, she can show that during this time by being accountable and so on, but she’s also totally free to go date OM, gripe about you to friends and all that. She only has to understand that while you are focusing on your health, you are also evaluating if being around her is healthy for you. Her actions over the next weeks/months will have a lot of input on your decision about your future.

--
To add to that: Let her know that until you feel safe that you have the truth then the best you can offer is the above as some form of holding pattern. It doesn’t mean you are "over it" or that she gets a pass on doing the work. But it means that YOU are focusing on yourself rather than the marriage, possibly with the goal of finding strength to accept whatever reality she presents and how that will impact your belief in the marriage.

Bigger I don’t know why I was drinking like that stress I guess I run work and have a lot of people that I have assign work to schedule work through different work groups it’s a lot and then when she started with OM and I didn’t know I kept asking and was told it was nothing so I started drinking more. Again I haven’t drank since so over 3 months now and haven’t had an issue with it nor do I miss it. I told her I’m going to focus on me and to go do whatever she wants if she wants to file do it I’m done fighting I don’t think she really cares she just doesn’t want her family to see her as her father who cheated on her mother and left that’s why she won’t be honest or be the one to file and leave she is trying to make me the bad guy in all of this. Last night all I said was I would like to talk and she she said ok and when I started to say what about she flew up started unplugged her stuff and stormed out to sleep on the couch I can only talk if it’s not about what she did

Lets be clear the drinking is not an issue.
In the above I’m more interested in how you were dealing with life, stress and all that at the time, and suggesting you use something other than numbing your senses to deal with that. I would do so totally irrespective of your wife, infidelity, reconciliation or divorce.

What won’t work is if both of you use some sort of "I refuse to eat my veggies" strategy.
That’s where she huffs and puffs and refuses to discuss issues.
That’s where you get all gloomy and threaten to call your attorney and file.
And then 48 hours later nothing has changed, other than you two calmed down a bit and moved from the couch back to the bedroom.

Read though this thread and you will see the divorce/separation/find an apartment line has been pulled several times...

Friend – the minute you tell me you WANT to divorce and are working at divorce I will switch to pure divorce advice. But I honestly think you are still at the "I’m going to hold my breath until I die if I have to eat the veggies" stage.

--
Can I suggest a change in tactics?
When you ask your wife a question that she doesn’t want to answer – give her leeway. Give her time. Like... maybe the day was hard, maybe she was tired, maybe she just didn’t want to deal with these issues there and then.
BUT
Make it clear that you need an answer, and that it’s OK if it’s tomorrow. But the question won’t go. Sort-of like it’s OK to call a time-off, but the issues still need to be dealt with.
Make it clear that the best way to prevent the questions, or to limit them to MC sessions or planned meetings where you two sit down to deal with them, is by giving you’re the answers up-front. Yes – by being truthful.

Okay she doesn’t want to talk about it - "it" meaning the affair, lying, cheating, continued disrespect etc.

That leaves you with limited options. You CAN reconcile but only if YOU don’t address the elephant in the room. That would be a very bad idea for so many reasons, but most importantly is that you will not be able to heal. You will be expected to put on a brave face and suffer in silence.

What do you going are the next steps for you?

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:12 PM, Wednesday, January 21st]

I experienced that kind of weaponized defensiveness. One of my earliest threads here was on that topic, I’ll post it below. Defensiveness and stonewalling from a betraying partner is beyond unacceptable. It is incompatible with a genuine reconciliation. From reports here, it can take time for a WS to come around to it, but every second a BS is subjected to it is intensely painful and triggering.

Right now your wife is not meeting you at all in good faith. I agree with Bigger, you need time to settle down. Be married legally but not emotionally for some period of time here and let your heart and mind calm down. Observe her, see what she does without telling her what to do. Invest in you and your kids. Enjoy the shit out of baseball and find places to cry and let the emotions flow.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/659906/4-horsemen-and-recovery/?ap=141

Ink thank you that does sound a lot alike and bigger is right I’m not ready to leave but I don’t see my wife coming around at all. I have no evidence so it’s her word that I think she has convinced herself is the truth she is not willing to get a different job even though she knows I can’t stand where she is now. I’m depleting all of my health care funds on therapy and my children are on my insurance because it’s better so soon it will be all out of pocket as my daughter is getting braces and my son is about to have a surgery on his nose because he gets bloody noses so frequently. I’m done trying if we go our separate ways then so be it I just know as much as I want to stay together I love her a little less each time. I really don’t think she wants to be together anymore she just doesn’t want to lose her lifestyle but I’ve come to terms with this I believe I’m not going to fix her car or do any of the things I do that she just expects. That’s all I’ve ever done she doesn’t have to usually even put gas in her car I take it and fill it but I’m done with that. She is not going to change I’m understanding that now I do appreciate everyone on here you have all been spot on it’s like having a crystal ball that I wasn’t willing to listen to at first hoping it wasn’t the case for me but here we are I’m not leaving or anything I’m just stepping back.

One thing that I don’t remember us asking:

Is the OM married?

I read:
I didn’t walk away to teach you a lesson.
I finally walked away when I finally learned mine.

Something to think about.

No he is in a relationship with a woman he has been with for 10 years so the woman he is with says because I did message her. He told my wife he was divorced twice but not that he was with someone and that’s why she felt manipulated and lied to so she says. Like I said earlier she still works there can’t go there it’s a plant you have to be badged to enter so I have no clue what goes on there she says she doesn’t see him and he is on the other side of the place but for all I know they are in the same building everything seems like lies anymore so idk what to believe.

Worried

I know I have been throwing pieces of hope to you.
I still think your marriage has hope... but I also think you need to realize how precarious this all is. If she really wants to save the marriage, she’s not doing herself any favors:
Your wife insists you have the truth.
She is offered a tool to confirm that.
She has also been told that the truth – not matter how bad – won’t lead to divorce.
She hasn’t offered any way to prove her truth.
She did not take a poly because the operator evaluated her incapable of taking one AT THAT TIME.
She equates that to having been ready to take a poly and thereby confirming she was truthful (after all – why should she have gone there if she wasn’t confident of passing...)
She offered to quit her job, but now she recants on that.
She tells you they work at opposite ends of the plant and therefore don’t meet. Yet they met before d-day...

Basically – ALL she is offering you is the option of believing her hook, line and sink.
Believe nothing happened.
Believe there is no contact.

A person that betrayed your trust is asking you to build your future on her trust...
Yet she does not trust herself to do the test required to help you and/or she does not trust you with the truth.

And the reason she’s offering you that is because she has gotten away with it so far. Like the poly not having consequences, like not leaving her job has no consequences, like not confirming her story hasn’t had consequences.

When you take all these tidbits together... well... it really doesn’t look so good.

I also sense you aren’t prepared to walk away.

Frankly it’s beginning to look like you will have to eventually...
But MAYBE the idea I floated of a time-out to focus on YOU gives you the space to clear your head and get focused. It allows you time to contemplate if it’s R or D, both from the stance of what you want, and from the stance of what option is really open to you. I suggested 3 months, but even a week might suffice.
The key is to make it clear to her that you are now focusing on YOU. Not the marriage and not the affair. It’s simply YOU and how you can get out of the hell she’s offering you now.
Keep next MC session, but make it clear both to MC and wife that the topic you want to address is how best to help your kids deal with the end of the marriage. It’s not what you want, but her rug-sweeping and denials are making it the only realistic option left for you.

Other than that – Don’t initiate relationship talk. She starts talking about the marriage and/or the future then remind her that NOW you are solely focusing on YOU and not the marriage. That while you are convinced you don’t have the truth and she is not showing through actions that she is being truthful there isn’t any future – therefore no need to discuss any future as husband and wife.

It is possible that if she realizes that she has exhausted all her tools to rugsweep and that you are committed to getting out of infidelity then she might break. But realize that if she doesn’t the absolute worst thing you can do is back down.

Finally:
If you can contact the OM partner, then do so and let her know that your marriage is headed for divorce due to the affair (use that word). You think she should know because now there is nothing holding your wife back from being with him.

If your wife asks you about this, you have your answer about their communications at work.