SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Tacit

I'm so sorry you're here. As so many people have said, you must take care of yourself. That may mean going to a psychiatrist to see about an antidepressant and non-addictive sleeping pills.

But you must eat, and you must sleep.

I recommend the book "Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity" by Shirley Glass.

It's about affairs with colleagues, and she was a brilliant marriage counselor. It may help you decide your next step

Your son is looking to see his dad take decisive action. simple as that!

Please, ignore what this person said. You don't live your life for your adult children. You don't live your life for your parents, or even your wife. You live your life for you. You will decide in your own time the correct course of action for you. There is no right or wrong.

There's no timeline, and no one-size-fits-all answer. Get yourself into a better place, and then listen to your gut.

Tacit

I'm so sorry you're here. As so many people have said, you must take care of yourself. That may mean going to a psychiatrist to see about an antidepressant and non-addictive sleeping pills.

But you must eat, and you must sleep.

I recommend the book "Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity" by Shirley Glass.

It's about affairs with colleagues, and she was a brilliant marriage counselor. It may help you decide your next step

Your son is looking to see his dad take decisive action. simple as that!

Please, ignore what this person said. You don't live your life for your adult children. You don't live your life for your parents, or even your wife. You live your life for you. You will decide in your own time the correct course of action for you. There is no right or wrong.

There's no timeline, and no one-size-fits-all answer. Get yourself into a better place, and then listen to your gut.

It's been almost a month since my last update here and I get the feeling that this one is going to disappoint some people.

Both my kids have now returned to college and are no longer in the house. My daughter is trying to work on her relationship with her mother while my son wants nothing to do with her.

I have done as ChamomileTea suggested and met with my wife every week to see what progress she's making on her own. She is still going to therapy to try and find out why she did what she did. She claims that she doesn't know why, but I'm not sure that I buy that. She did spend six months having an affair. That's a lot of time doing something you're not sure why you're doing it. What did come as a pleasant surprise is that apparently her therapist reccomended that she read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. We did discuss the book some and she seems to be making progress, but we'll see how that goes.

Now to the part I think might disappoint some folks. I did let her come home. Yesterday was the first day since DDay that she stayed the night here. I did however make it clear that this does not mean we have started R. She's sleeping in a spare bedroom and most of our interactions so far have been limited to regular house chores and whenever I ask for access to one of her devices, which to her credit she has complied every time without complaint. Right now we are more roommates than a couple. We'll see where things take us.

Yesterday was the first day since DDay that she stayed the night here. I did however make it clear that this does not mean we have started R.

That is your decision to make. Your wife seems to be making the right steps but of course the damage has been done, especially with your son who's been affected the most. Your son might be the first person who's unsupportive of an R, if you may ask. But personally, it's a good thing that you're giving her a chance and you clearly stated that it doesn't mean that you're reconciling. So it's your deck to play. Whatever the outcome is, it's up to you.

All the best!

Not a disappointment at all. You set your boundaries and live your life as you see fit. Time will tell where your M is going. You have a good head on your shoulders. Keep on, keepin on.

Tacit,

Thanks for the update. You seem to be in a good solid place. I see absolutely no reason to be disappointed. You have handled this well from the beginning. Your WW has been out of the house for two months. Setting your boundaries and allowing her to come back is the next logical step. You will be able to see if she’s really doing the work every day instead of just once a week. You’re in control and the choice to either R or D is in your hands. It’s a personal decision and I think you’ll find plenty of support for which ever decision you ultimately make. Stay strong and check in.

Tacit,

Now to the part I think might disappoint some folks.

I know that there is a danger of feeling like you have to 'please' the audience in the forum. However, there is also the need for the people here to want a solution that suits you, and makes you as happy as possible in future.

You are the only person who knows what that solution is. Not me. Not anyone else here, and not anyone else in the world.

If you were fooling yourself, denying reality, or accepting abuse, people here would be right to warn you about that, or tell you to change your plans.

You are not doing that. You are trying to re-establish your life, and your relationship with your wife, in a way that feels 'right' to you. That is what every person here has done if they tried to move a marriage through infidelity. Everyone did it their own way.

This is a forum that consists of a range of people whose lives have been touched by infidelity. For some, their focus may be on punishing an unfaithful spouse, and making them suffer, as if that is some kind of conclusion in itself. Others will want whatever solution offers the best potential for your future happiness, and they will be very, very vigilant on your behalf to monitor everything that your wife does and does not do.

If the only logical solution to infidelity was divorce, and the punishing and shaming of anyone who cheated, there would be no need for this forum. We would all know that if a spouse cheated, they should be divorced immediately and set on fire.

If you have chosen to let your wife come home, I say 'good for you'. If you wanted to divorce her, you would be doing that. Instead, you are seeing how things work out, and how you feel as they do. I hope that your wife will never, ever repeat her actions, and that she will appreciate the second chance that you are giving her. Surviving infidelity can take many different forms. It is not just about destroying a spouse that cheated.

Speaking for myself, I want you to be happy, and I want your wife to prove herself worthy of the second chance that you are giving her.

You are an intelligent man. Take one day at a time, and see how it goes. That is all any of us can do.

Tacit, you're far enough away from the original discovery for you to begin to sort out what you want your future to be.
Please do not feel you have to proceed in order to meet other's expectations. The objective is to reach your expectations.

Obviously your WW is coming around but is still in denial, is ashamed and unable to be truthful about that whole mess.
Maybe the truth would kill it and she knows it.

Roommates is a good place to be. You can get a better look at where she really is.

The important thing is that you have seized control of the entire narrative and are driving the decisions. Take your time, you're doing well on this thing. You're in charge, keep it that way.

You have stood up for your marriage and for yourself. That is all we can ask. By getting control you can now heal and once you heal your oath will become clear.

I agree with everything said above. This is your life. You get to make choices, and find out if they work out or not.

But my question is what is her current status? What is her attitude toward you. What is her plan to rebuild what she destroyed? What steps is she taking to change who she was and become someone age to you. Is she trying to do things to help you heal from the trauma she caused you? I think she quit her job right? Or the AP lost his. So they are completely NC right?

Have you guys been discussing the past and how it happened? Or are you not communicating at all about anything but functional household stuff?

And lastly have you been doing IC with a trauma specialist? If so how is that going?

You have a long road ahead of you no matter what path you take. R requires two people both committed to making it happen. Keep taking it one day at a time.

But my question is what is her current status? What is her attitude toward you. What is her plan to rebuild what she destroyed? What steps is she taking to change who she was and become someone age to you. Is she trying to do things to help you heal from the trauma she caused you? I think she quit her job right? Or the AP lost his. So they are completely NC right?

She did quit her job and her AP lost his when she told them the reason as to why she was quitting. I have checked her phone and her email a few times. Her AP is still blocked and the last messages she has sent him were no contact messages. Every time we met up this last month to discuss what has happened and what she's doing now she has told me that she is indeed remorseful, that she is going to IC to try and find out why she allowed herself to have an affair. She also cut contact with former friends that were apparently enabling her behavior. She's also told me that I can come to her if I feel like I need to vent or ask her something.

There were a few times during our conversations when I became triggered and snapped at her. At first I think she was shocked to see me like that and the first few times she tried to walk back on the statements that triggered me, but now when it happens she just listens and allows me to vent.

Have you guys been discussing the past and how it happened? Or are you not communicating at all about anything but functional household stuff?

We have talked about it at length during this past month. We haven't had much opportunities since she came back to the house, but we did talk about it this morning during breakfast. I have asked her what was going through her mind when the A started. She had already described it on her timeline, but I wanted to hear it from her own mouth. She essentially repeated what she had already described and I asked her to clarify some details.

And lastly have you been doing IC with a trauma specialist? If so how is that going?

I am. My old therapist referred me to my current one who specializes in infidelity trauma. I miss my old therapist and the rapport that I had built with him, but my new one is good and she has been helping me walk through all of this.

Tacit,

It's great that your WW's therapist recommended "Not Just Friends". Another must read for her would be Linda McDonald's "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair". You can download it from Amazon. It may be hard for her to read, but it says things she really needs to hear. If you read it too, it might spark some productive conversations. Stay strong.

Had an interesting conversation with my WW this morning during breakfast. I'm not sure if I should post about it here, or if I should make a thread in another forum.

We were talking about why she had an affair and what her feelings about it were while she was having it. She said that during the affair she kept justifying it as getting the intimacy she wasn't getting at home. Now she says that she realizes that she was doing it because she wasn't the one putting in the work at home.

In the months prior to her affair she had started focusing on her job and what little free time she had was spent with friends, which left little time for her to spend with me.

She says that she was so self-absorbed during that time that she perceived the drop in intimacy between us as something that was my fault. She apologized and said that she knows how wrong that was, that she takes full responsibility for her choices. She also said that even if it had indeed been my fault, she should have said something before looking for gratification outside of our marriage.

Not sure how I should take all of that. I guess I just wanted to share it with other people for now.

Tacit,

That's nice. It sounds like a string of words that are as empty as they are meaningless. They are conclusory statements devoid of any information as to why she had her affair. I'm concerned that, if this is all she has learned during her self-discovery in counseling, she still doesn't get it and is only telling you what she thinks you want to hear.

Did she give any reason why one day she woke up, disconnected from you, and decided she needed to seek "intimacy" outside of your marriage?

Did she explain why, once she thought that there was no intimacy in your marriage, she never brought it up once?

Did she explain why it was that she was prepared to be in a marriage with you that was devoid of intimacy, as that is something that most spouses are not prepared to accept?

Or how about how she was able to feel no guilt while she was conducting her affair?

Has she told you why exactly the vows you made when you got married meant so little to her?

I hope you are paraphrasing and she didn't actually use the term "intimacy". Intimacy is such a romantic word. Her affair was anything but.

Tacit,

What your wife says about her responsibility for making no time for intimacy - and not prioritizing it - shows a lot of honest insight about something that people who cheat rarely address, which is how much they killed the connection before they then cheated because they felt neglected. Very few people who cheat ever consider whether they caused the problem that they used as a justification for cheating, but I am sure that happens in many cases.

Your wife has had a lot of time to think about what she did, and also therapy, so I believe that what she says is probably an honest statement of how she feels now. For me, the insight, and her feeling that way about how she created her own problem, are positive things, both for rebuilding a new relationship, and for how she frames her actions in her own mind.

First off I always appreciate it when a poster sticks to one thread for all questions. But that is just me. So thank you.

I agree with M1965. It is a good statement. She’s pointed in the right direction here. That is positive.

But she will need to be digging deeper. And that will hopefully come in time.

Is she trying to do anything to make amends. It’s nearly impossible of course, but honestly it’s the effort that’s most important, more so than the content of what she may try to give you.

Of course you are still probably not ready to receive anything of any sort from her. That’s understandable. But doesn’t mean she shouldn’t keep trying.

I hope you are paraphrasing and she didn't actually use the term "intimacy". Intimacy is such a romantic word. Her affair was anything but.

English is not my first language, so I guess that things tend to get mixed up when I post things here. Though the word she used does directly translate into intimacy, in the context she used it I suppose a more appropriate translation would be "sexual connection".

Did she give any reason why one day she woke up, disconnected from you, and decided she needed to seek "intimacy" outside of your marriage?

Did she explain why, once she thought that there was no intimacy in your marriage, she never brought it up once?

Did she explain why it was that she was prepared to be in a marriage with you that was devoid of intimacy, as that is something that most spouses are not prepared to accept?

Or how about how she was able to feel no guilt while she was conducting her affair?

Has she told you why exactly the vows you made when you got married meant so little to her?

She says that it didn't just happen one day. Rather, it was a buildup of frustration over several months of frustration.

Apparently, she had been aware of her AP's sexual attraction to her for months. He had in the past made flirtatious comments towards her and with all that frustration, she eventually started reciprocating them.

She says that in the beginning she rationalized it by saying that it was "just flirting" and that it wouldn't move beyond that. Then when it did go beyond that she did feel guilty, but she rationalized it by saying that she was getting the fulfillment she wasn't getting from me and that I should have realized something was wrong when we started having sex less frequently without her having to tell me anything. According to her, during that time she thought that I was to blame for her frustration, so she became bitter.

She told me that she realizes how twisted those rationalizations were and that she was being selfish and lazy by not voicing her concerns earlier.

During that period of time, were you initiating sex with her and she was turning you down?

Stevesn,

I have noticed that she has started doing some chores around the house that she knew I always hated doing. I'm not sure if that's a conscious effort on her part, and if it is, wheter it's genuine of a form to try and manipulate me. But that's a small thing.

She has told me on more than one occasion that if I need someone to talk to, that I can come to her. I have sat down with her more than once and told her how I felt when I found out about the affair, what the two months away from her were like and what I think about any future with her. Each time she has sat down and patiently listened to me before apologizing at the end.

I'm not really sure if there was much more that she could be doing that I would be receptive to right now. Last night we were both watching TV on the couch and she tried moving closer to me. I told her that I wasn't ready to be that close right now and she respected it.

AnOminousMan,

I was, though it was happening less frequently than it used to and looking back on it now, I was always the one initiating it. Sometimes she would turn me down and other times she wouldn't.