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Gw5263, Now you have moved back into your home, do you have your own bedroom somewhere you can secure yourself away from her whilst you are asleep, as this progresses she may try to do something stupid and dangerous to your wellbeing, remember you don't really know her at all and what she is capable of doing.

Regards BJE49

I sleep during the day so that's not really an issue. She is at work while I sleep.

Struggling a little with the 180

Do you still have some what strong feelings for her?

For whatever stupid misguided reason I think I do goalomg. Even after all she's put me thru. We have been together 18 years with not so much as an argument. As I mentioned in my very first post, I went thru a period where I basically ignored her for a bit, and I was drinking a lot. I asked her when this first began why she never said anything when there was first an issue and her response was because I didn't think you'd listen. Then she says she shut down slowly until she began to talk to this bastard in February. He has such a grip on her that what I feel is a moot point anyway. He guides all of her decisions like he's playing a game. He even offered to pay for a divorce! I wish I had a half hour alone with him....I know he playing her and between them they have destroyed or are in the process of destroying our lives. But the realist in me knows this can go nowhere any more. She's in too deep. Makes no sense because he's three states away......

It's likely she will be shocked when she actually gets divorce papers handed to her...expect her tune to change pretty fast then.

Maybe. I think in her mind we are done and they are a couple now. I got a sled help packet and filled it out and went over it with her. She did cry a little as I went over some of the pages. She need a damn lightning bolt or something to hit. Maybe as the investigation kicks in she'll wake up. He has already stopped liking almost all her posts. They can't FaceTime anymore with me here. All they have now is text and calls when she leaves the house. She can't do distance. She hasn't wanted to tell the kids either.

Are your kids old enough to understand whats going to happen?

And the reason that I think I'm having a hard time with the 180 is she keeps starting pleasant small talk. Like I said before, she's talking to me like she did before this even happened. Hated me monday for moving back in, now acts like nothing happened

Do not respond to pleasant small talk. She wants to boil you like a frog. She is not doing it to be pleasant, she is doing it to be manipulative

Your homework assignment is to be sitting in a lawyers office by Wednesday. No excuses. Use a sick day if you have to.

Literally focus one billion percent of your energy on this.

The kids are 13 and 14. My 13 year old has aspbergers autism and change affects him hard. She took none of this or any of our feelings in account when she started talking to this bastard

Well, once you have a clear path ahead of you, make sure you keep them in the loop as much as possible, and don't lie to them and hide their mother's actions, your oldest is certainly mature enough to know and understand the truth.

As a caring person it is natural for you to feel about your history together. But every time you feel sad remember how callously she betrayed it. She is already engaging your DD to spy on you so most probably she may have told her version to her. I think your son is vulnerable because in his condition he can be easily influenced.

Think of the small talk as part and parcel of betrayal. She's no doubt being coached.

Hold fast to 180.

To what end is she manipulating me? I have no idea how this works. Been told she'd try, but what is she seeking to gain? I guess after the nice talking sexual manipulation is next? Any suggestions for defense?

The manipulation could be for many things, mostly to get you out of a defensive position and soften your resolve, to lull you into a false sense of security.

Basically you need to keep her at arms length, don't engage her in conversation for anything that's not completely necessary (finances, kids, tec).

Put into your own words "since you have chosen someone else as the love of your life, I am only interested in discussing our children or paying the bills. You have made it clear you are in love with him and not me and I will proceed accordingly"

Then read the 180 again and stay strong.

Sat back and evaluated what I was doing wrong with the 180. I'll make the adjustments and move right along. It will be needed because anyway now she's liable to knowninreported OM. Hopefully the have given him a no contact order and she'll just think he fell off the radar, and got so mad because I came back he's done.

Before she had two men fighting over her. It fed that awful head of hers. By going strict 180 and engaging your lawyer you take you off of the table 100% (at this time atleast). By exposing her boyfriend you take him off of the table.

Now she has zero people fighting for her

Now she may have nowhere to live

Now she may come out with nothing.

You now hold all of the cards.

Do you see where this strategy has left you? You're in the drivers seat and instead of a woman who is living in la la land, you have someone who is in zero position to dictate ANYTHING. This is how you want it because YOU are the victim and because YOU are the only trustworthy person qualified for that job.

By maintaining legal coverage and 180 communications you maintain this advantage. "JUST FOUND OUT" IS ALL ABOUT ENPOWERMENT. ONCE YOU ARE EMPOWERED IT DOESN'T MATTER ON OUNCE WHAT SHE DOES. You are currently empowered. Do not drop the ball my man

"JUST FOUND OUT" IS ALL ABOUT ENPOWERMENT. ONCE YOU ARE EMPOWERED IT DOESN'T MATTER ON OUNCE WHAT SHE DOES. You are currently empowered. Do not drop the ball my man

Words of wisdom,

"JUST FOUND OUT" IS ALL ABOUT ENPOWERMENT. ONCE YOU ARE EMPOWERED IT DOESN'T MATTER ON OUNCE WHAT SHE DOES. You are currently empowered. Do not drop the ball my man

Words of wisdom,

So very well said. And so true.

The 180, getting out of infidelity, all the advice in JFO...it's not about D or R, it's about empowering the BS to be able to make those decisions. To regain control over their lives after it's been taken away from them without their input or knowledge. To become proactive instead of reactive.

Empowerment is a perfect word.

When I was going through my shit show I'd take posts that resonated with me, print them out and put them on my wall in my office as a method of positive reinforcement. Sort of a motivational thing to keep me on track. What Sharkman wrote would be one of those.