SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You're angry about the betrayal that has been put on you. Since you really only know your best friend it is easy to put him in your dream because you know how he looks. You know she did porn and know what positions she's been in with the pictures. This is going to play over and over in your head for a long time.

I wake up thinking about what my husband did to me! I'm pissed off through out the day as well and at times don't even talk to him. Just to clear my head.

Are you doing any activities for yourself? I at least play Bingo once a week to get out of the house and clear my mind.

All day I have been cursing and angry at my BF for sleeping with my wife. There is no reason for my anger towards him, so why am I angry at him?

Because, no matter what reasoning, two of the most important people in your life decided to keep information away from you.

Were they being malicious? Punitive? I don't believe so. But that doesn't make it much easier to digest. No one wants to think of their partner with someone else.

Counseling can help you deal with this. And counseling for your wife should be at the top of her priority list. Like gonnabe mentioned---do you want a shot at authentic marriage...or a superficial one?

I don't want a misunderstanding about what I just said about my wife and BF; it was a DREAM I had this morning about them. The question was, why am I angry at my BF. Yes, he and my wife lived together for a while, but this occurred many, many years before I met my wife, and I didn't even know he new her until recently.

Like I told you, it's because he's the only one you really actually know.

Yme, I don’t want to do anything that will jeopardize my relationship with my BF. I have known him for years and he has always covered my back, his family is my family. He hasn’t done anything to warrant my being pissed off at him. How can I guard agents transferring my anger to him because he once, many years ago, had an intimate relationship with my wife?

It's going to be hard but you have to forgive and forget what he has done.

Do you forgive him for not telling you that he had been with your wife prior?

If you do you have to let it go and move forward with your wife and BF. They had no idea that in the future you'd be married to her.

Their relationship didn't work out but yours and her's did.

[This message edited by yme32313 at 12:56 PM, March 12th (Wednesday)]

Yme, I went to his home after I wrote my last post. I told him about my dream and anger. He said he understood and if I need space, he’d back off until it was ok. I hugged him and said everything was ok and if I get ornery, just punch me. We talked for some time, had a beer, and I thanked him again for being there for my wife and her family. Then he said does my wife still do a certain thing when in bed, and he looked straight at me with a grinning smile, there was a long silence, I knew what he was talking about, and we both started laughing. He told me he was there for me 24/7. The relief now of having someone to talk to at anytime; I felt like rock had been lifted from my chest. He added that if my wife wanted to talk with him he was there for her and said he would encourage her to talk to me instead of him.

She does need to talk to you. If you trust your BF wholeheartedly and he's the support you have for someone to talk to. Then I say go and speak freely to him. You need someone to talk to face to face.

I believe you still need to see an IC and work on your problems first hand. They can help you get through you trial and tribulations.

Your bf who helped rock your world looks directly at you and asks if your wife still does a certain thing in bed? Perhaps that is specific to your friendship with him, but that struck me as an inappropriate comment to make anytime, but particularly under the circumstances. That raises a lot of questions in my mind, but I will refrain from commenting further at this time...

I apologize for the way I wrote about my BF’s comment regarding something my wife did in bed; I didn't re-read it before I posted it, or II would have written differently. It’s not sexual. I was excited and relieved that I finally had someone to dump my crap to. That I didn’t have to worry about it, telling him stuff, or that I would be judged, and that my BF was still there to cover my back. My wife has this habit of taking her teddy bear to bed and putting it inside her night shirt so she won’t lose it during the night. It sort of looks strange having the head of the bear sticking out the top of her night shirt and the arms and legs bulging the shirt. It is a funny sight and I guess she has been doing it for years. When I asked her why she did that, she said it made her feel good, warm and secure. I just never thought a lot about it other than she looked funny and strange. She got bears for our kids and they do it sometimes.

Are you starting to feel better about this whole situation?

Having a friend that I can talk to is helping. The fact that he knows more about my wife’ life than I do makes talking to him easier. He told me there is more stuff about my wife that he hasn’t told me and right now he said it’s not important. He would rather she tell me when she is ready. I know he will be talking with her as well. I hate to put him in the middle. Tonight I feel like I might be able to sleep at least 2 or 3 hours, I hope. The mind pics are still playing and the anger is still there, but when I talk with him, he has the ability to calm me down.

Stu:

"He told me there is more stuff about my wife that he hasn’t told me and right now he said it’s not important. He would rather she tell me when she is ready."

Oh, man, after all you've been through, I hate reading this. I do hope, whatever it is she's still keeping from you, that you can get to a place of peace soon. You've been through enough already.

Stu, I would seriously think twice about having your BF talk to your wife. Seriously. Those 2 have already proven their ability to keep secrets. I wouldn't want the guy saying anything to her other than: "Either you tell him or I will."

Have him as your friend, your buddy (if you're so inclined).....but keep him out of your marriage.

I agree, he shouldn't talk to her. He really needs to stay out of your marriage. I know he's your best friend, your shoulder, and ear. Just have him be that. Go into counseling the counselor will know how to get her to open up more.

Really what more would you need to know?

You want to save the marriage right?

Why Relive the past?

I spoke to my BF and told him about this sight and the suggestions from you all. I brought up this site on his computer and he read all the posts. He said whatever I want to do is OK with him. As I said I didn’t want him in the middle. So how I’m going to relate to my BF will just evolve, he’ll be there to listen and be my sounding board. I asked him not to get in the middle of my marriage, he’s ok with it. He said if my wife comes to him, he’ll direct her to me.

Perfect.

I'm also one of the other posters on here who is wondering about WTH with your BF, as you so trustingly put it.

We don't know how there friendship really is. But he seems to trust his friend. As long as your friend doesn't want to compare notes and bring up the past he had with your wife then vent all you want, he should only be there to listen to you. Not tell you what to do.

How are you doing today, Stu?

Last night my wife called my BF and wanted to talk with him. He told her that if it had to do with me, she should talk to me, not him. He told her that I was in bad shape since January, when she dumped that information about her screwing that Adonis guy the day I proposed to her. He told her that she needed to be there for me like he was there for her years ago. That, the knowledge of that incident with Adonis having been dumped into my lap was more than I could deal with. Also, that her reluctance to discuss anything with me wasn’t right and she needed to think about her families future, and at least talk to me. She told him she didn’t want to do that. He told her that’s her call. After she hung up he called me to tell me what had just happened.

This morning, after the kids went to school my wife told me she wanted to have a serious talk with me. She said she loves me and she was sorry for what happened that weekend. She said she really thought we were finished, and she was distraught about it; that she loved me but saw no future with me. When she met that Adonis guy he made her feel wanted. When he asked for her phone number she felt special. She repeated a number of times that she really had no intention of sleeping with him; all she did was think of me. That it just happened. She told me that there were no excuses she could give. She said that all she remembers was after dinner that he was holding her and telling her what a great women she was, how beautiful and intelligent she was and that any man would be lucky to be with her. The next thing she said she remembered was that her cloths were off and he was making her feel good. Since she believed we were done, she went all the way with him. She said there was a charm about him that put her at ease and she just went with what ever happened.

The reason she told me about it at all was because of the New Year’s party. We were at her company’s party celebration that night and she ran into Dr. Adonis. His wife works for the company that handles the advertising for her company. When he saw her he approached her and started talking small talk with her. After a few minutes of talk he asked her if she was still sleeping around and that he was available to continue where he left off. She told him to screw and found me, and hung to me all night. A couple of days later he called her at her work and asked if she wanted to go out with him the next day for a good time; her husband wouldn’t have to know. She asked him how he got her number; he said from the computer system, she blew him off. After that call she figured she had better tell me before I found out from someone else.

All of this was making sick, and I was still pissed that she slept with him in the first place. I asked her about the pictures and diary. She said those things were disgusting and she should have destroyed them then. At that time, she said, she didn’t like what he was doing with the camera or his writing in her diary; she said she felt like a slut. She said she told him to stop taking pictures and writing in her diary, but he joked about it and just continued doing what he wanted. She said she tried to stop him, but he was bigger than her and he kept doing it and teasing. She said that at one point he threated to tie her to the bed and call his buddies, he didn’t. During all of this she said all she did was think of me and what she was doing to screw everything up. Then came the phone call, she said she didn’t want to answer it or talk to anybody, but he gave her the phone and seemed to enjoy his power trip. After he left she wrote in her diary as a catharsis, to vent. She knew I was coming home that night, so she took a shower and douched so she could get rid of any traces of him on her. She was going to trash that stuff the next day. She had put it in a small box and then a trash bag so I wouldn’t find it. With the upcoming wedding it just never got put in the trash and sat in the crawlspace. When we were moving her positions to her parents’ house to make room for my stuff it got put in her parent’s basement.

Sorry for the long rant, but as I’ve said writing helps me; I guess my wife and I have that in common. I told her I knew all about her past and I love her. She cried and said if we need to go to MC she would. She said she was afraid if I found out about her I’d leave that’s why she was hesitant to go.

Today I’ve had a lot of ups and downs. I’m glad I know the story, but the fact she did it still hurts.