SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I went with my husband to MC and our counselor didn't help at all. She blamed me that I chose to be faithful to him and I didn't have to be....(who the hell says that)

I decided to go at counseling alone and to be honest I saw 3 counselors total.

1) One the phone (who told me to leave him).

2) One out of town (from a small town didn't want everyone to know) she helped a lot but the drive was too much.

3) Who I'm seeing now is located here in town but is not from here so he doesn't know me. He's done wonders with me. He's the one who's advice I'm trying to give you that has helped.

You need to get to the root of your problem and to be honest it's more YOU than it is of her. My counselor has found out so much things about me that is why I held on to this so hard and still do.

It is a work in progress. But you can overcome this, if you love your wife the way you say you do.

I set ground rules for husband (get rid of everything that can hurt me). I don't want to be surprised doing it together and he did get rid of everything and he still is when he cleans. I promised not to snoop anymore to hurt myself. No communication at all with his past conquest, even if they are "just friends" now. If he can't talk or text or email in front of me, I label it as cheating.

I have access to his emails and phone access.

YME, I'm meeting my BF in 20 min. at his house and we are going to just talk. It will be about me, him, and my wife. He said he will hold nothing back, everything will be no the table. I'll post later

Tonight will define who I am as a person and my actions will affect my wife, children, family, and friends. I met with my BF and learned why my wife has been reluctant to discuss any aspects of her life before I entered it. He got involved when I asked him to help me with my flooded basement. To make this short. My wife had more boxes in the basement that were damaged by water. My BF moved some and they fell apart and nude and clothed pictures of my wife and guys were on the floor. My BF picked them up and eventually told me he knew about everything. He had dated my wife years ago for almost a year; this was long before me and they sort of kept in touch. This was when he and I went off to different colleges. He and my wife chose to keep this a secret from me and his wife. She gets jealous and he didn’t want our friendship to suffer; I’ve known him so long he’s more than a brother.

In freshmen year my wife was into photography with her boyfriend, they were art majors and used each other as nude models; it started out as a class project in nude study. She split from him and shacked up with another guy who also was into photography; this was around 98 or 99. Someone saw her nude pics at an art show and asked her if she wanted to model. She did and a few pics got published in some obscure men’s magazines; she did get paid for her work. My BF met her around this time and the two lived together for a while; I think this was about her 2nd year in college. She was still modeling. Just before spring break she got an offer to do a photo shoot in Puerto Rico. My Bf told her not to do it, he smelled something out of the ordinary; she did it. My BF and she split up. She went to PR and was romanced my some guy I’ll call Paco. She lived with him and he introduced her to drugs. She kept modeling, but for sleazy porn type mags. From this trash she got into the film porn business; my BF thinks she made 3 or 4 short movies. Around 2000 she called my BF for help. He brought her back and got her into rehab. With his help and her family she was clean and returned to school. My BF and she went their separate ways, but he was always a call away for her. She continued to stay of drugs. He said she did have a problem picking the right kind of guys to date; she picked guys who were out for what they could get. A guy would show interest and give her affection, she was theirs. He tried to intervene, but he was a few states away and dating his wife. He did get her to go for counseling. It helped; she graduated with honors a year before I met her. He said she wants to forget that part of her life and never go there again. That’s why she won’t discuss any part of that life, it’s like it never happened. Since she has been with me she has been happy. He doesn’t know why she told me about that weekend. She had told him about it and swore she would never tell me. It was in the past and she wanted it buried. I am going to keep my mouth closed and try and forget everything. I’m going for IC to deal with my issues and I’ll see what happens. I love my wife and I want to stay with her as long as possible. The anger I have I’ll have to work through it. As far as the mind pics, a good internet friend gave me some suggestions.

I hope my friends will continue to post and give me suggestions. I know the road I'm taking won't be an easy one. I will probably have some regression in my progress. But that's what sights like this are for.

You ok Stu? I popped in before going to sleep. Read that twice. I don't even know what to say. I do have one thought. But I want to know that you are ok first and foremost.

ETA - is there anything else you personally feel you need to know about your wife's past and do you feel comfortable with the last 10 years since you have been together?

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 10:46 PM, March 10th (Monday)]

You say you love your wife. I have no doubt you do. If you are satisfied that you know enough and there is nothing else to learn, then turn towards your wife. Hold her tight. Hold her long. Tell her you know and that she doesn't have to respond. No secrets Stu. Ask anyone on this site and they will let you know that secrets are a killer. The truth shall set you free. It will set her free to. She can't be happy with herself keeping this all from you but certainly explains why she's scared to death to tell you. Let her know that you know. Tell her how much you love her. Show her how much you love her. Hold her close. Tell her you need IC for yourself to get through this and when/if she feels up for it you would like to MC too. You are going to need help to get through this and let her know that. But also let her know and show her how much you love her. Turn towards her. Let her know that you are going to need her help processing this.

What do you think you need from her Stu? IC for you for sure. Like you said it's going to be hard but you can do this.

Wishing you strength and courage Stu

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 11:22 PM, March 10th (Monday)]

Really I think you should stay with your wife.

No offense but you seem intent to add on to the original story and I wonder if it's designed to get people to tell you to leave her. Because just from the original post, it seemed you always knew she'd slept with that guy.

And you seem obsessed with her sexual history to the point where you need to believe it's some craziness.

YEARSOFPAIN, thank you. This has not been an easy trip I‘ve been on. I’m OK! Finding this internet sight and responding to the comments, pro and con has helped to save my sanity. After what I found out about my wife, it’s like a weight has been lifted, and I don’t need to know anything else. Knowing more or less won’t change a thing. Some of you might think I’m nuts. Your saying how can he except a women who has done what she has done. I have been married for ten years to a person who has overcome many obstacles and the last 10 years are proof that she’s a great person. The last 10 years have shown what kind of person my wife is and those are the years that count; I’m proud to be her husband. My BF has also shown what a person he is and my faith in him is even stronger. He helped to save a life and more. If it weren’t for his efforts my children wouldn’t be here or my wife. My wife might have wound up dead from drugs or physical abuse. My BF told me Paco did smack her around, she must have fallen to the lowest point possible, to be abused and used the way my BF says she was. I’m going to keep this secret. If and when my wife feels comfortable to talk about it I’ll be there. I’m going for IC, so it can help me deal with all of this. If my wife wants to join me; great. Someone made the suggestion that I change history. I’m going out tomorrow and by a ring and then ask my wife to marry me. That will be the date we celebrate from now on.

Okay, wait a minute. Let me get this straight.

Your wife had a relationship with/ lived with your best friend for nearly a year before you met her. They broke up because she was a nude model who was conned into going to PR, which led to her dropping out of school, ending up in a physically abusive relationship with a drug addict and supporting herself by doing porn. In the meantime, no one from her family and none of her friends tried to intervene. Eventually she decided on her own that she was tired of the whole drug addict/porn thing and that she wanted to go home and rehab so she could go back to school to become an honors student. She met you shortly thereafter and you got married, but not before she managed to pick up a Brown medicial student Adonis with whom she had one of her old photo/porn parties. She'd like to forget the past, but she still keeps around a few old snaps and diaries chronicling her escapades in some moldy old boxes she stored in the basement of her now-dead parents who, again, while they were alive, did nothing about their daughter dropping out of school and making pornos in PR.

And your response is to rugsweep all of this, keep it a secret, accept your friend's crazy-ass story on its face, never talk to your wife about it, give her a hug and then re-propose marriage to her in the morning.

...

...

Do they have a "head exploding" emoticon on this thing?

Major 2x4 in this post Stu. Read PhantomLimb's last post above again.

And your response is to rugsweep all of this, keep it a secret, accept your friend's crazy-ass story on its face, never talk to your wife about it, give her a hug and then re-propose marriage to her in the morning.

...

...

Do they have a "head exploding" emoticon on this thing?

Ditto.

I said turn towards your wife Stu. You have to let her know that you know everything. As of right now there are 42,738 people that landed on this site because someone thought it was ok to not be completely truthful in some way. You can't rugsweep this Stu. If you want to propose to your wife and show her how much you love her great!! That's a huge gesture. But you do realize that if you do and keep this a secret from her you are no better off than you were before. That type of thinking is what landed you here in the first place. By not letting her know or discussing with her, you are in a sense turning away from her. Wouldn't you rather have a proposal be based on complete open honesty and transparency?

There's only 2 reasons that I can think of for not telling her. Either you are settling some sort of score by keeping this to yourself like she did, or you are afraid to talk to her about it. I'm going with you are afraid to talk to her about it. What are you afraid of Stu?

^^^ This. Great take. I said before the truth will se you free. NO MORE SECRETS STU! DON'T you be a secret enabler also.

You can't have an intimate loving relationship based on hiding yourselves. As YOP asked, what are you afraid of?

or, are you trying to reclaim your self by being a 'rescuer' - and keeping this secret is your way of martyring yourself?

no secrecy my man.

Stu - I am so glad that you have been able to learn the truth to what has been bothering you. The story you were given makes sense and explains much of the actions you have been seeing.

Rugsweep is very much an overused term here. Sometimes I feel anything short of discussing/debating/arguing this stuff every night with your spouse is considered rugsweeping on here. Sometimes you need to learn to give some space and let your spouse be ready as well. Just because you are ready this very minute doesn't mean that they are. Especially because it sounds as if the issues you are dealing with are very much in the past and not a current threat.

You planning to go to IC to further understand somethings is hardly rugsweeping. That is a good place for you to work through things you are still dealing with. At some point in time I think you will need to give your wife a sign that you know and you are always here for her if she wants to. You know your wife, I am sure you will find a way to give her that sign. Given how this has been such a big focus lately, it may be best to give it some space for now. My guess is in time, she will want to discuss this with you. She carries a very large burden carrying this information for so long, her fear of what you would think of her likely has haunted her all of this time. She will love you more if you can find a way to let her ease this burden.

I think the ring idea is beautiful. I know you said you are going out tomorrow. Slow it down Stu and plan this one out well - find a way to make it special. Good luck, I wish you well.

I'm sure you realize that what I wrote isn't everything, I couldn’t have possible stated it all. Yes my BF helped, her family helped along with others. She didn’t recover overnight, it was a long process with professional help, and she had a support structure there at every step. There were set backs along her recovery. I would have to write pages, a book to explain everything. I'm not confronting my wife until I'm mentally OK and I'll get there with IC first and then MC. If and when the professionally trained psychologist or psychiatrist helps me put my demons to rest, then I'll be in a better position to help her at whatever she might need, or professionals will, so we both will be mentally well. If after all that we go our separate ways at least I’ll know I, or we tried.

I don't mean to harp on this, Stu, but I'm a little flabbergasted. You never knew she missed some school? That she lived traveled out of the country for a time? That she had been involved with drugs? You wouldn't have to know about the nude modeling/porn, etc to know those other things.

Stu23-

when I first read your post, I figured there was more, you know why ? Your wife's behavior is indicative of a abuse survivor. BTDT.

Look, While this happened in not a way anyone would have expected, you know the truth now. That is worth something. You know about it and don't have to wonder.

You have been given a golden opportunity to go to your wife and tell her that you know, you aren't judging her and want to be there for her as her husband. You really want to support her and you are there to talk about it if she wants to. Then give her some space about this topic. Also tell her that despite her motivations the lies have to stop now. No more in the future, if she wants this M to work it has to be based on honesty and openness. I would tell her that you are going to attend therapy to sort out what this means for you and you will need her support.

You only take away the shame of the past by openly discussing it (between the two of you). Painful, yes, but it is important. It won't happen all at once, it takes time.

Like I said, she was broke (and still is) for someone who is broken to keep it together this long is a proud accomplishment (Use kinder words than me, I can be a little blunt). You can take some of the credit for that. Her past has taught her not to trust men and she overcame that because she felt you were worth it. She loves you, think of that before trying to discuss any of this. Hugs, holding her while she cries and letting her talk without interruption are important. Keep reminding her that you believe you both can get through this, but it can't just be ignored any longer.

The photo shoot with the scumbag (Doctors can be scumbags too, character has nothing to do with status, education or income) was more than likely her "Acting out," her past traumas to try and gain some control over them, or if you will, overwriting it in a way that attempts to make her feel less like a victim. Unfortunately part of that brokenness hurt you in one of the worst ways. She shared her abuse with you. You are a victim in that regard.

Look I am an abuse survivor(physical and emotional) and I can relate to acting out past abuse situations. It is scary, it hurts and I get why she didn't want to talk about it (to this day I avoid it like the plague). I was lucky, one of my acting out episodes landed me in trouble with the law. I was FORCED to get help to deal with my past. Had I not I wouldn't be in the JFO forum. I more than likely would have ended up in the opposite end of this spectrum. I get how our past traumas dictate how we react sometimes. Not talking about it is not an option. You deal with it or it deals with you in unexpected and sometimes destructive ways. Your W really does need help in addressing this and you need help as a partner of a abuse survivor. She has to want to get help, for her. Remind her that her life isn't just about her anymore. You and your children need a wife/mother who is present and capable of loving with all her heart. (Abuse survivors tends withhold some and it shows in their primary relationships).

No one can force your W to talk about this or get help, but by being supportive and kind to her, you more than any person on this planet has that chance. She may talk in little dribs and drabs. When she opens up, listen and then gently suggest therapy. Always listen and be supportive. Hug her, tell her you are sorry for what she went through, you know it wasn't her fault, etc. Be the guy she knows you to be. If you are already going to IC and she sees progress it might be a good motivator.

I am 100% with you on the IC front. An IC is going to help you deal with this and probably will help you address this with your W in ways most likely to break the wall she has put up in your M. She is shutting you out and that is not the way to live in a M.

Whatever the details, you are married and being married means you accept everything about the other person, the good, the bad and the ugly. That being said I still feel that your W does owe you an apology. Only when asked and can something truly be forgiven. You should also know exactly what you are forgiving and what you are not (things that aren't yours to forgive)

On the ring thing, I would wait. It will be more meaningful after you both have had some time to heal your past and are ready to focus on the future without the baggage.

Once you've had a chance to figure out how to cope with this (in IC) A more symbolic gesture would be for her to burn all of the pictures and journals from the past. Once dealt with this can fade into the past where it isn't hidden out of shame, but it longer holds the power over either of you it once did. The second proposal, if given too soon, may just end up biting you in the metaphorical ass again. After all, you need to be safe from abuse the M too. (withholding can be a form of abuse)

FWIW- Tread carefully on this one, but equating what she did with OM while on the phone with you, and later in person, could easily be considered abusive. It might make her realize how much this hurt you. The biggest fear any abuse survivor has is that they, in turn, become a perpetrator.

Take care. I also think it best for you to get away from home for a little while to clear your head. Too much has gone on recently and you need a break.

hey brother, just a couple of quick points.

Your wife's behavior is indicative of a abuse survivor. BTDT.

Absolutely^^^^^Left untreated you have an almost guaranteed reoccurrence. By treated, that means she needs to be actively involved and want to make the changes.

You said that she has had therapy before. If she still has those pictures and journals, I would guess that she didn't actively participate nor really want to make the changes necessary for health.

Strength

NUMB&DUMB, thank for the kind words, and the time and energy to help me. If I could give you a "HUG" I would. Thank you and please keep your strength coming my way (pro or con), I will need it.

5454real, there is a history behind those boxes and pics. For now, they were put in her parent’s basement when she was in rehab. and as far as the Adonis jerks pics and diary, stress, insecurities, poor judgment, indecisiveness what have you were involved. I don’t know what was really going through her mind. My BF thinks the jerk might have played with her vulnerability and stroked her emotionally; it’s only a guess on his part. She chose me, and the last ten years she has been happy.

Brother, BTDT. When FWW was 12 or 13 her AP used her as his personal cum dumpster. Did so for 4-5 years. We were *happily*(all M's have their share of baggage) for 9 years. He re-contacted her through FB at a time of great stress for her. Took him 13 days of texting/sexting to get her to drive 3 hours for a quickie.

One of her job responsibilities is teaching ethics.

I know where you're coming from.

PhantomLimb, I had no idea, I only new what she told me. When your with someone, what do you really know about their past, unless your actively involved with them you don't. My BF and I were very close and yet look at what I didn't know. I knew when he and his wife kissed, had sex for the first time, he told me and asked my advice.

I believe this is why she doesn't want to go into counseling because you'll find out about her bad past. Then the marriage would be over because of it. Us women think like that, how could he ever expect to be with me if I was that trashy back then.

You really do need to reassure her that you know and you're there to help her in any way you can. I have a past myself(we all do) I never told my husband while we were together that I was sexually molested. I hid that from him, he kind of figured it out while we were fighting but I still kind of figured it was none of his business. I went into counseling when I was a little girl when that happen and overcame it. End of story and I believe that is what your wife is thinking as well she over came her addiction, got away from the wrong people and she just doesn't want to relive it. Been there and done that.

While married or knowing people more you find out way later on in your life that they have a past as well and would have never thought they would what they have done.

I found out that my husband slept with his best friend's wife while he watched. I would never do such a thing and I've talked about how people can be so low to do something like that. Now I find out that my husband was one of them. He said that's something he's not proud of, but he did do it because he thought that was the "in" thing.

Our counselor says we should discuss our past but if it's going to be hurtful than maybe it be best we do it in front of him for him to help and not make our conversation worst.

I believe you need to see a counselor on your own first and try to get to the root of your problem. Like why you can't let the past be the past.