SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She is not getting and abortion for you, she is getting an abortion to get back at OM

I don't think she ever truly had an intention to get an abortion either way. She told the other man on the phone that she was going too. True probably to get back at him. But regardless I finally got the results so this isn't really a matter.

That is good news.

Having the DNA decided is good news and one of the 800 lb gorillas is gone.

There is still the other cheating, long term affair, broken marriage, wayward wife 800 lb gorilla to be dealt with.

It must be a huge relief NOT to have deal with the OMPOS knocking up the WW and all that entails.

all things considered you still are in a effed up situation but now somewhat less effed up...?

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 12:37 PM, April 13th (Thursday)]

Surprised87 - what do you want to do? You really should know in your heart the path you want to take. I would say that if you say "I don't know for sure" that you have made a decision to stay with her but aren't sure it's the right decision. Guess what? We never know a decision is right or wrong until way down the road so you make the one that you believe is right for you at the time.

If you know in your heart you will never forgive her - and I firmly believe you know - then suck it up and divorce. Yeah, it's hard and scary but you can do it. Millions of men have divorced their cheating wives and re-built their lives & you can too.

On the other hand, if you are not sure whether you can forgive or not then I advise that you stay. Go to her and tell her that you love her and want to find a way for both of you to heal & repair the marriage. Then give reconciliation your all. Remember that your decision is not final & you can divorce her any time you feel that the reconciliation was a mistake. The only investment you lose is the time you wasted in R, the pain of trying to R. If you stay she will likely decide to have the kid - which means 18 year commitment for support whether you stay or not. If you decide to divorce you can implore her to end the pregnancy since a child will force the two of you to continue to co-parent for many more years - meaning you will continue to have way more contact with her than you want or either of you need. Putting this behind you both means pretty much never seeing each other again outside of the major family event for your children.

I think enough facts are in for you to make a decision as to how you want to proceed. Again, making that decision does not mean you can't change your mind, but it's time for you to get moving.

[This message edited by anoka at 11:44 AM, April 13th (Thursday)]

Dday was in March? That was like yesterday. You have a long road to go before you need to decide what you are going to do. The DNA test was a distraction from the real problem. It may have made it easier to decide if it wasn't your child, but you are still in the same boat you were in before.

If it were me, and I know its not, I would take a breath and breath a while. Let this news settle a little before deciding if you can forgive her or not. Give her time to prove that she truly understands the damage she has caused. Give her time to contemplate the possible consequences she may face. Meanwhile, take care of yourself. stay disconnected for a while. Don't rush to a decision. IC would be good for both of you, separately. It will help you get through the grieving process you still have ahead of you. It will help her to fix herself so she can become a safe partner. This will be important whether you stay or not. Its going to take quite a bit of time before you will be able to come to a decision you will be able to live with long term. Take your time, watch her, and take care of yourself. Thats all you really need to do right now. See what you options really are without the roller coaster you are still riding.

Take care. Congratulations dad!

[This message edited by ItsNotMe at 12:56 PM, April 13th (Thursday)]

I'm so happy that it's yours. Yes, it's jacked up that she was screwing another man and was contemplating leaving you for him but that was all fake affair land fog.

Im so sorry you are going through this. Completely screwed up. I am so happy that the baby is yours. Congratulations on the new little girl. I'm sure that D or R, you will love that baby too and parent her with joy.

Your wife has dealt you a shitty hand and she has a ton of work to do. Give yourself time to heal some before you make any decisions.

Hang in there!

Frankly, I don't understand why people think the result of the DNA test is such good news for the OP. While I am very much pro-family, having more children is not always a blessing.

While knowing that his WW didn't get pregnant by another man may take away some of the pain of his WW's affair, in the long run it may mean even more pain.

Not only does it complicate his decision about his WW's affair, it means he is now on the hook to raise child with her or, if he chooses to D, it means a greater financial burden.

I guess I can't see a new daughter as being anything but a blessing.

I get that it complicates things, and I understand that there is a financial obligation for an additional child. But when I went through my divorce my children were what kept me sane.

There seem to be many on SI that think that D is the only way to go, and I get that. There are many times I look at a situation and see there being no other option but D. This is not one of them from my perspective. I think it could go either way, its to soon to know if she will do the work or if he can forgive. Its only been a very short time since DDay.

Divorce is not the end of the pain. Depending on the ex that you divorce it could just be the beginning of a new and very long lasting hell, especially if there are kids involved. Some that R find a much greater marriage at the end of the tunnel, some don't. Some divorce thinking this person is now out of their life and everything will be wonderful. Sometimes it is, sometimes its hell as well. When it comes down to it, whatever choice you make in the middle of this shit storm it may be better and it may be worse. There is no one answer that brings peace and happiness. Everybody's situation is different. When dealing with a wayward, some go one to have another A, and some become better people.

I personally I am here to support the BS in whatever choice they decide on. If they wish to D I support their decision. If they want to try to R they have a right to make that choice without being badgered. Its their life, its their choice. We should support them. If they chose a way we wouldn't, that is ok. They live with the choice, we should support them. It's ok because there is no right choice, there is no perfect choice. The only wrong choice is the one you were pressured into and didn't really feel comfortable with.

Suprised87. Take your time. This is not a race. In the end make the choice you are comfortable with. Right now you are to close too the point of injury to be able to make a good choice. Give your self the time you need to heal before you decide which way to go.

Like I said before... Watch you WW, take care of yourself, give yourself the distance you need to make a decision you can live with.

[This message edited by ItsNotMe at 4:08 PM, April 13th (Thursday)]

While knowing that his WW didn't get pregnant by another man may take away some of the pain of his WW's affair, in the long run it may mean even more pain.

It's really hard to say how I'll feel in the long run. Right now I feel a lot better that piece of shit didn't impregnate my wife. In the same way, I can understand that this may cause any more pain in the long run. Especially since I had been strongly considering getting a vasectomy. I was content with two with the possibility of having a third. I never wanted my children to have different mothers and I never imagined they would come from a broken home which is a huge possibility.

This unplanned daughter can end up being the blessing to bring the 2 of you closer than you've been in years.

Approaching my 10th year of marriage with 2 boys, I was rewarded with being a BH. Got the whole I'm not in love with you thing also. I was crushed.

We both didn't want to give up on the marriage or family. Having been a WH 4 years earlier, I was able to forgive and offer R. We took the risk of getting pregnant. We had a daughter that brought us closer than we had been in years. As she approaches her 17th birthday, I know she was a blessing that God used to save our marriage and family.

Congratulations.

The baby will be blessed with you as her father.

Three girls, right?

Huge blessing.

Strength

Sending all the strength I can. I have kept up with your story, it is heart wrenching. Major SUPPORT from me. This junk AIN'T easy.

So I got home from work and my wife was getting ready for work. She asked me how I was feeling and I told her relieved and happy with the results, but it doesn't change anything. She said that she was happy that the baby was mine and that she couldn't have asked for a better outcome. She tried to give me a hug but I pulled back. She said she was sorry and then finished getting ready for work.

After I put the girls to bed, I'm going to get everything gathered together to said the betrayed girlfriend. I found a PO box of a business she runs. I'm going to send a letter and a flash drive to that address with my email address in case she wants to respond back.

If I don't hear back from her in the next few weeks I might Facebook her then leave it alone.

@Surprised87- I know others have said this, but you really are doing well. This is a ridiculously tough situation and many of us did far worse when we were in your shoes.

That's great news about the results. Just remember, you STILL don't need to make any decisions right now. You don't owe her anything. Now though, you have a little time to do some healing and think through your options.

You still, most likely, don't know everything. Now that the initial storm is subsiding, you need to get ALL the facts. Ask her for a complete timeline of events in relation to the affair. Tell her to leave nothing out, or it will come back to haunt her later much more than telling all of the truth now.

After getting all the facts, give yourself time to heal and think. If you do decide to attempt R, there are few things you need to know.

- Just because you decide to try, doesn't mean you don't still have the right to D at any given time.

- R requires your spouse to be "all in." Some call it remorseful, selfless, contrite, etc. You will read a lot about it here. It boils down to her doing the work to understand what was broken in her that lead to this, and doing the work to help you heal from what she has done.

- Even if she does everything right, it is OK if this still turns out to be a deal breaker.

- R takes 2-5 years. Sometimes longer. That's 2-5 years of both of you doing a LOT of work.

that she couldn't have asked for a better outcome

If she needs any better outcomes perhaps we can crowdsource the 50,000 members here to come up with 80 billion other things which would be better than the shit sandwich that she has served you.

Congratulations, one less stress point.

I admire how well you are handling this

I have read this post and I really feel bad for you. Even though you found out the baby is yours, that doesn't do away with the fact that she has shown no remorse other than saying she is sorry. Sorry doesn't cut it in getting away from infidelity. Until she owns her shit and tries to dig deep and find out what made her cheat, you are still just spinning your wheels until she does it again. She was all excited the baby was yours because she thought that would make everything OK again.

A pregnancy should be a happy time for you and instead it will be a reminder everyday of her horrible decisions. It's like when a WH cheats on his pregnant wife. The time that they should be happy about the pregnancy and the miracle of bringing a love child into the world is forever tainted. It happens so often. I know of 3 women personally that had this happen to them.

Also has she been tested for STD's? If not that is what she needs to do next. Some STD's can cause severe birth defects in a baby and you don't need another child with special needs at this point. I am not talking abortion, but C-sections rather than vaginal birth can help if it is a disease that affects the vagina and can be passed to the baby.

I just don't know how a marriage could survive this and be a healthy partnership especially if the WS is doing nothing but being a pity party. If she wants this marriage to survive she needs to do more than hug and cry. As so many have said she is giving you lip service because the OM dumped her and sure wouldn't want her now that she's pregnant with her husband's baby. I think you need to think long and hard about continuing the marriage unless she steps up to the plate.

I am sorry for you. This is actually terrible news. If your wife was pregnant with OM's baby, the decision would have been infinitely easier. You could have just kicked her to the curb. Your wife has literally trapped you in staying married with a cheater.. Now it's going to be an absolute roller-coaster. And ironically, the more successful and confident you are in your normal (pre-A) life, the harder it will be for you to reconcile. You are in a truly horrible situation as you will soon realize. Sorry, my friend.

^^^^^^^THIS ^^^^^

I also do not understand why you are using a baby as a tipping point as to R.

Seriously my man whether you or the OM planted the seed is irrelevant. The main issue is that she allowed another man other than her H to do just that, then come home & allow you the honor of having sloppy seconds unbeknown to you.

Is this the woman you want to spend the rest of your days with?. Is this a woman who is trustworthy? Is this a woman you can be proud to call your wife? Is this a woman you can count on thru the ups & downs of marriage? Is this a woman with integrity?

Congrats your going to have a baby and the baby can still have a loving mother & father if you D, as none of this is her fault. As for your WW,up until a few hours ago you or she didn't know if the baby was yours or the OM's.

Now what should be a special time between a H & W is not so special anymore. Not when you think that you were within a 50% chance of not being the father.

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 4:55 AM, April 15th (Saturday)]