SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Space ghost thoughts are with you. Stay the course you feel right.

You have no obligation to face your wife until your ready. What she does after she served is on her. She has her good friend of the affair for support.

My first post here.

I guess the only question remains....

Are you dong it this way to hurt her, or to help you?

If ever we learned anything it's that things always work out, one way or another. Our actions during duress dictate our true character.

On a different note, this thread has been among the most helpful on this site. The lessons being learned apply to so many different situations, thank you for maintaining it.

Another married male, mid 40's..

Typically, I stay of out of "Oh, you are so evil for ... divorcing .. going dark ... not kissing WW ass" threads, which is where this one is headed. But I will be damned if I stay out of this one.

Spaceghost - ROCK ON. The one thing that I can tell you that will definitely accelerate your healing is to handle your divorce the way you have planned.

Your kids may or may not "rally around" their cheating mother. You cannot control them. The judge may hate you. Your garden may not grow because you didn't kiss your wife's ass. The sun may or may not come out tomorrow all because you went dark after filing. Geesh.

Designing a strategy to try to placate mythical demands that probably exist only in the fantasies of the previous posters is seriously the dumbest possible move(s) you could make.

I do know this. You plan to tell your kids that you are divorcing. That is RESPECT. Your wife never afforded anyone in your family that respect. Your wife couldn't have cared whether you lived or died when she was fucking her OM. You were absolutely irrelevant. Compartmentalized.

So, to all those that are blasting you, as an evil man, for not being loving and sweet and giving her another chance, because can't you see how remorseful she is while still lying and probably heading off to screw OM right now... Get a grip on reality.

If you want to heal, don't live in limboland, where the rest of this advice is headed. Handle the serving the way YOU need to. Handle the divorce, the way YOU need to.

Billy Joel said it best.

Really nailed it

Your kids are grown stick with the truth and in general you have plenty of proof.

Leave it at that imo.

Harsh? Maybe. Willful deception on WW's part to screw around with her boss AND keep her secure home life too? I'd say that's pretty harsh as well too. Fair play went out the window as soon as she hooked up with her boss.

Some have wondered if SpaceGhost let things out of the bag too soon. I can't tell if it was his intent, but I'd say it was a pure genius move. It has her and OM wondering how he figured out something's going on. WW probably thinks it was a combo of the hanging lingerie, not getting her on the phone, and the shaving. Considering the audacity of what she's done, and the act she's put on to deflect, she likely thinks this is something she can eventually make go away. Little does she know a trap door is waiting to open under her feet with the quantity and quality of info SpaceGhost has. He also has a backstage look at what's going through WW's head with the calls he's captured on the VAR. Obvious where her loyalties are. It's all about her and what she stands to lose now. Not what she's done. WW and OM are worried, yes, but like fugitives waiting for the heat to die down before making their next move.

What's about to happen now are consequences of calculated deception. Whatever fate that comes their way is well deserved. They're completely unaware they've both been outfoxed. What a surprise for both of them when the trap is sprung. As far as the kids are concerned, they will understand and they can make informed choices on their own. I know this from my own experience from college age and finding out the same thing.

Well done SpaceGhost!

[This message edited by BryanP37 at 5:43 PM, February 5th (Thursday)]

WW and OM are worried, yes, but like fugitives waiting for the heat to die down before making their next move.

That's obvious, the OM is going to throw her under the bus and lie, lie, and lie to save his butt at home and work.

I agree Reallyscrewedup

Where was the compassion from the WW while she was shaving her privates for the OM for his pleasure.

Where was the sympathy from the WW while she was parading around in lingerie purchased specifically for the OM to admire and lust after.

Where was the respect for her husband when after she was done having her fun and banging the OM she came home with the I love you's and proceeded to have sex with her husband.

The only time the WW has shown any type of sympathy, concern or regret is for herself when she starts to realise all may not be well in affairland. SpaceGhost is going to tell her & his children the truth which is far more than he received from his WW. She knew it was divorce if she ever cheated, she played a game for fun and lost. What she does now is totally up to her.

It would be an amazing experiment, and a kind of 2nd change that SG controls........

Actually put all on hold, get her so comfortable again with you, and see if she learned her lesson or goes back to him, right after giving her another opportunity a week or so later.

It would serve as the perfect time to again serve.

Just a thought.

I don't know why so many people have been talking about considering R from the very beginning on this thread, when the OP has made clear from the get go that he considered the affair a deal breaker.

Many seem to think that this is a somewhat "lighter" case than Others, but frankly, I consider this a very heavy betrayal.

This woman has spent decades married to this man, she knows his personal history and how deeply wounded he had been by his mother's infidelity. Yet she goes out and has an affair just because it's fun. And the way she did it! Perfectly planned with a fresh shave and new lingerie for the occasion!

No, I don't think anything here should earn her another chance. She deserves being handed divorce paper maybe even more than many other WSs.

SG had planned this perfectly, IMO. The only error he made was when he went "soft" for awhile and decided to give her a chance to come clean on her own.

That has given away a lot about his intentions, and now I think his wife expects to be served.

This has created a high charged emotional atmosphere of gloom that is, IMO, almost palpable in SG's latest post. He sounds deeply shaken and so sounds his wife as he describes her.

Maybe it's because his writing is influenced by his own feelings at this moment, but reading that post I thought that his Wife might do something stupid.

Now, if something should happen it would not be his fault at all, of course, but I think nobody wants something so nasty to occur, so that's why I suggested having someone to take a look at her Tomorrow.

[This message edited by italianjob at 3:48 PM, February 5th (Thursday)]

I don't know why so many people have been talking about considering R from the very beginning on this thread, when the OP has made clear from the get go that he considered the affair a deal breaker.

This (his wife's)type of affair is more common as compared to other affairs written about on here. The ones with the wife stating her love for the OM, refusing to realize what she did was wrong, etc seems worse than this.

Many other stories on here about similar types of affairs started out with D as the only answer with the BH changing their mind.

There of course that option. And if SpaceGhost decides to take that route as well, he will be like many other BH.

I don't think anyone here is advocated R as the only way, it is just an option and many of us have seen it before here.

However it turns out for him, he should know that we all understand what he ends up doing and there is a lot of help on this board for either decision.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 3:57 PM, February 5th (Thursday)]

The ones with the wife stating her love for the OM, refusing to realize what she did was wrong, etc seems worse than this.

They're sure harder to come back from. Worse, maybe, from a certain point of view AND if your desire is to get your wife back.

On the other hand if love is the motivation, at least it's a serious one.

But to be betrayed for some cheap thrills... well, I'm not so sure if it's better... It sure speaks nothing good about your wife's character.

In this specific case, considering his personal history, the fact that it was just for "fun" makes it worse, not better...

In this specific case, considering his personal history, the fact that it was just for "fun" makes it worse, not better...

You are assuming it was just for fun, in reality, we have no idea what she did it for, or what she was thinking.

I just hope all goes well for SpaceGhost tomorrow whatever the final outcome is.

I think most married couples think at first, if there is ever an affair, that is the end of the marriage. And then when/if it happens, thinking changes.

You are assuming it was just for fun, in reality, we have no idea what she did it for, or what she was thinking.

I just hope all goes well for SpaceGhost tomorrow whatever the final outcome is.

I think most married couples think at first, if there is ever an affair, that is the end of the marriage. And then when/if it happens, thinking changes.

I'm not assuming anything, she said so.

And implied it again, when she said she had never loved anyone else but him.

Obviously I also hope everything goes fine for SpaceGhost Tomorrow and whatever he decides to do after Tomorrow.

Typically, I stay of out of "Oh, you are so evil for ... divorcing .. going dark ... not kissing WW ass" threads, which is where this one is headed. But I will be damned if I stay out of this one.

Spaceghost - ROCK ON. The one thing that I can tell you that will definitely accelerate your healing is to handle your divorce the way you have planned.

Your kids may or may not "rally around" their cheating mother. You cannot control them. The judge may hate you. Your garden may not grow because you didn't kiss your wife's ass. The sun may or may not come out tomorrow all because you went dark after filing. Geesh.

Right on Really Screwed Up. Could not agree with you more. This affair was made worse as soon as she was give a calm chance to come clean on a few ocaissions and has just looked right into his eyes and lied

I hope he rocks all of their worlds.

My thoughts are with you Space Ghost, you are doing well..

Make sure you have secure offsite backups of all your evidence, when you are gone, do not leave it in the house where she can find/access the proof, take it with you... expect she may search the whole house looking for answers.

IMO

Keep with your current plan.

This advice is for you (not your WW)

I would caution you that there is always the possibility that your decision on wanting R or not might change later on.

So do not burn your bridges totally.

Think of it like this, If you are open to the idea and IF your WW demonstrates total remorse etc.. it may be a better calculated risk to R with her later on, than risk it with someone new, especially if it becomes obvious that she would not likely ever repeat it again.

That said, you can always make it that the marriage is totally ended and then she needs to start from scratch, dating, engagement and then (re)marriage; make her work for it and earn it again, as she obviously took you and the marriage for grantedThere are other stories on SI where the tainted marrige was divorced/ended and then remarriage later on... especially when the BS has changed their mind on R.

Also, The VAR may be useful to catch her real position and frame of mind in the aftermath of being served, it may be worth considering having it in place before you go, so you can check it after you return... as always it is up to you..

You might wish to consider the following:

1) Time telling the OMW to be at the same time or just before your WW is served.

2) Should you tell the OMW about the proof including PI evidence, then do not tell your WW, so if your WW knows about the PI, then obviously she has been talking with the OM.

3) possibly answer ONE (short) call from your WW after she is served, then simply state to her you KNOW everything she has been up to (but do not tell her how), and that she blew her chances to show you some respect by being honest and truthful, which has consequently put another nail in the coffin, then ask for her to respect your need for space and to not call you whilst you are away, then end the call.

Good luck.

PR

Edited for clarity/spelling..

[This message edited by PhoenixReborn at 6:49 PM, February 5th (Thursday)]

Sg. Strength to you.

Everyone, let's cut the guy some slack now and await what develops.

Everyone, let's cut the guy some slack now and await what develops

^^^Ditto. Give SpaceGhost a break.

Godspeed, Spaceghost.

Typically, I stay of out of "Oh, you are so evil for ... divorcing .. going dark ... not kissing WW ass" threads, which is where this one is headed.

We must be reading different threads, the growing majority on here seem very supportive of SG and are encouraging him to stay the course . . . and we are also beginning to circle here like sharks.

Longsadstory1952 is right, time to back off a bit.

SG, you only need to write when YOU feel it's appropriate. Your golf vacation sounds like a needed chance to unwind . . . give yourself time to relax.

Take the time needed, update when you're ready and comfortable (after vacation if you'd rather, or never, if that's good for you). SI will be here when needed. I wish you the best.

Hi again I read through the posts again and I read some good points on things that I never thought I might agree with. I am having her served tomorrow at work.

I am feeling sorry for my wife and yet I have so many questions. I wonder if she had other affairs? I get hit on a lot and never thought about cheating on her. Of course I do not go out and drink too much or who knows what could happen. Yes she is very attractive but I would have never known she was cheating. She really still acted like the same old wife. It was when I had to leave for my job every 4 to 6 weeks. She had another phone so that is why I never found any calls or texts on ours. I took the VAR out of the car it does not matter to me now.

She was a good wife. I thought she was happy and I loved her. We were talking years ago about cheating. She knew I would dump her if she ever had sex with another man. At the time she told me it would be worse for her if I told some other woman that I loved them. She said she could get over the sex but not if I told another woman I loved her. I told her I could get over that but I could not get over a physical affair. At the time we thought the other was crazy but now I think it is a man and woman thing.

Listening to her on the phone she said she did not love him when she talked to her friend. My guess is since she did not love him the cheating was not as bad in her head. But to me she did sleep with him so that is the worse thing she could have done.

I know this guys wife so she will be notified. I have his email also so I am going to send him an email letting him know I know what he did with my wife. I am not going to tell others but I will send him a non-threatening email. I do have him on a call telling my wife that he lovers her. I am going to let his wife know that but I may wait a while until after my golf trip.

I love to golf. It is the only thing that I do for a hobby. It is very relaxing and to play well I have to concentrate and forget about everything else. This is why I am going to leave and think about my life and prepare to move on. I have been so stressed about this that I have to get away.

I still love my wife but I am hurt. But I will never forget what she did so I am letting her go for her own good. It is not something I could ever get over. It is the only thing she could have done to get me to leave her. Yet she did it. For the past month I could not understand it at all. The OM is not in my league. Yes he does have a lot of money but put us side by side and it is shocking to me. It is sad how fast a marriage can end.

I have written my wife a letter. I am going to leave it for her. I want the truth from her and to get some answers. Some of you made a good point and I will talk to her IF she calls after she is served. I have no intention of speaking to her though unless she will honestly answer some questions. So I will talk to her once and then I want at least a good 3 to 4 days or even maybe 7 days to NOT think about her and this mess.

Maybe she will just be angry. Maybe she will be very sad. Maybe she will be begging me to stay with her I have no idea how she will react. I do know she is the mother of my kids and I will always be connected to her in that way. But I just want to be gone right now and get away.

I will try and update this on Saturday or Sunday if I can. Wish me well and just typing this out makes me less angry. I feel bad for her yet I know it is over for us... Not a good day but I got to take the step forward to get my life back. Thanks for listening.