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italianjob ( member #45666) posted at 3:43 PM on Thursday, February 5th, 2015
You might be surprised at her honesty, now that she knows you know.
Honesty? Really?
It doesn't sound like that big an effort to be honest when you know you're caught.
You could call that honesty if she had answered truthfully to his question Yesterday, when he asked if she had an affair, now it's too little too late.
IMO SG should carry on with the divorce, show her this is serious, not some fun game.
Maybe later she will earn another chance, but that will be completely up to him.
nononsense ( member #45598) posted at 3:51 PM on Thursday, February 5th, 2015
REALLY!!! "She wants to go away for our anniversary on a romantic getaway" Hasn't she been on enough romantic getaways with her lover??
This is her being selfish and again her friend is no friend to you or your marriage. If her friend is married, after the dust settles you may consider letting her husband know what this "friend" is all about. Her friend is an enabler and an accomplice.
Space Ghost,
That says it all right there. Nothing but selfishness and more lies and deceit. And And I would bet this friend is either a cheater herself or has cheated before. I would tell her husband also if she has one. It might save him some grief.
BH - 50 (me)
WW- 48 (her)
M- 27 years
3 daughters- 26, 24, 21
DDay1 7/5/2014 (PA- 2 different OM)
DDay2 11/28/2014- setting up another meeting new OM
5/1/2015- Looks like we are making it.
8/3/2015- Reconciled but watchful
11/10/2015- We made it
italianjob ( member #45666) posted at 3:54 PM on Thursday, February 5th, 2015
Yeah, this friend sounds quite toxic.
I wouldn't be surprised if she egged her on convincing her this would be fun and no harm done.
craig2001 ( member #55) posted at 3:55 PM on Thursday, February 5th, 2015
It doesn't sound like that big an effort to be honest when you know you're caught.
To a WS, the hardest thing in the world is honesty, all they have been doing is lying the second they started the affair.
Yes, honesty is a huge effort, especially when they know honesty means certain divorce.
No, it is not a game.
HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 3:57 PM on Thursday, February 5th, 2015
Honesty? Really?
It doesn't sound like that big an effort to be honest when you know you're caught.
A WS in the end game is like a person sliding off a cliff. You'll see their claw marks in granite.
DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver
italianjob ( member #45666) posted at 3:59 PM on Thursday, February 5th, 2015
To a WS, the hardest thing in the world is honesty, all they have been doing is lying the second they started the affair.
Yes, honesty is a huge effort, especially when they know honesty means certain divorce.
No, it is not a game.
At this point it would not be honesty, because she knows she'd done anyway, so no, now it wouldn't be honesty at all.
She needs to see this is not a game IMO.
italianjob ( member #45666) posted at 4:01 PM on Thursday, February 5th, 2015
Only thing, I don't know if it's a good idea to leave her alone with no communication when she is served.
jtom ( member #35322) posted at 4:34 PM on Thursday, February 5th, 2015
Space, make sure you tell OM wife near the same time your WW is served. You can coordinate this with the process server. STRENGTH!
ME(BH)HER(WW)LTA AT WORK.DISCOVERED AUGUST 2010. TWO SONS.DIVORCED HER. "THE BEST PREDICTER OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS PAST BEHAVIOR"
craig2001 ( member #55) posted at 4:42 PM on Thursday, February 5th, 2015
Only thing, I don't know if it's a good idea to leave her alone with no communication when she is served.
I wonder about that also. I don't think it is a good idea at all. You never know how she will react. And of course suicide is always a concern.
Space...will the VAR still be in her car when she is served and will she be served at work?
orbit19 ( member #43920) posted at 4:54 PM on Thursday, February 5th, 2015
And of course suicide is always a concern.
for some reason i have a gut feeling that this is a major concern spaceghost i would not go no contact with her
italianjob ( member #45666) posted at 5:04 PM on Thursday, February 5th, 2015
I think in hindsight bringing up the topic yesterday to give her a chance to come clean wasn't a very good idea, it high-charged emotionally both her and SG.
Maybe it would have been better if this came out of the blue, like in the original plan.
craig2001 ( member #55) posted at 5:10 PM on Thursday, February 5th, 2015
She might come clean today, before being served. I am certain by now she already knows what is about to happen.
DDay is always emotional charged, though usually it is more so for the BS than the WS. This might be the other way around.
10yearsafter ( member #43139) posted at 5:11 PM on Thursday, February 5th, 2015
I don't think it is a good idea at all. You never know how she will react. And of course suicide is always a concern.
This is about SG and what he needs to do for himself.
With every action there is a reaction. SG's WW set this chain of events in motion with her action. SG had no say in this. He got no vote he was not told only lied to.
His WW knew full well the consequence of cheating...and yet she chose to do it with out regard to what SG might do.
He has every right to choose how to handle his situation. What his WW did is on her.
SG chose how to handle his situation, with careful planning and a great deal of thought. If he chooses not to speak with her that is what he needs to do for him.
What ever his WW does or does not do is not up to him. She created this situation. SG can not control what she does.
I would certainly not want anyone come to harm. But you can not control what people do weather you are speaking to them or not.
He chooses to remove himself I think that should be respected.
He said he needs to get away and start moving forward.
He should do that.
italianjob ( member #45666) posted at 5:17 PM on Thursday, February 5th, 2015
This is about SG and what he needs to do for himself.
With every action there is a reaction. SG's WW set this chain of events in motion with her action. SG had no say in this. He got no vote he was not told only lied to.
His WW knew full well the consequence of cheating...and yet she chose to do it with out regard to what SG might do.
He has every right to choose how to handle his situation. What his WW did is on her.
SG chose how to handle his situation, with careful planning and a great deal of thought. If he chooses not to speak with her that is what he needs to do for him.
What ever his WW does or does not do is not up to him. She created this situation. SG can not control what she does.
I would certainly not want anyone come to harm. But you can not control what people do weather you are speaking to them or not.
He chooses to remove himself I think that should be respected.
He said he needs to get away and start moving forward.
He should do that.
Of course you're perfectly right.
Only thing he modified his plan in a way that could have made things emotionally more complicated, because he somehow let the cat out of the bag a little too soon.
Maybe I would arrange for someone else to be around Tomorrow, if he has the chance to do it.
10yearsafter ( member #43139) posted at 5:21 PM on Thursday, February 5th, 2015
^^^^^^^
That would probably be a good idea.
ICaughtThem ( member #45041) posted at 5:26 PM on Thursday, February 5th, 2015
Maybe I would arrange for someone else to be around Tomorrow, if he has the chance to do it.
I know two people that it shouldn't be... neither the OM nor her enabling friend.
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.
italianjob ( member #45666) posted at 5:30 PM on Thursday, February 5th, 2015
I know two people that it shouldn't be... neither the OM nor her enabling friend
I was thinking more of some reliable family friend or a relative, maybe...
10yearsafter ( member #43139) posted at 5:34 PM on Thursday, February 5th, 2015
His brother knows, maybe him if he is willing.
smile_it_helps ( member #17569) posted at 6:40 PM on Thursday, February 5th, 2015
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I rarely post but I am really concerned with your course of action. I feel like we are all reading about to watch a train crash.
I know your hurt. I know you don't trust her. But...you did just say you are starting to feel sorry for her...I think the way you are handling this with the adult kids (still kids though) may really harm your family. Please spaceghost for the sake of your kids and your wife's emotional well being as well as your own don't do this this way. You're hurt, you're angry and wanting to hurt her but you are so doing it as to avoid all emotion. It's cold. It's going to hurt your kids. They may rally around your wife. You may become the bad guy. Please do not tell the kids as you serve her. I always said I would NEVER stay with a cheater and I think there are thousands on this site that will tell you the same thing, but things change when you're there in the moment and you see how utterly destroyed the cheater is also. She effed up big time. She doesn't love him.
Face her with the divorce papers then if you feel the same way drive to your kids schools and tell them. Do not run away and leave your kids devastated. You are still married, you are still a family...face this head on for your own sanity. Please!!
me bs
him fws
19 years
OW was my best friend
2 amazing kids
finding happiness again
separation 12/27/07
let him come back 3/25/08
Just had our 25th anniversary.
tiedhands ( new member #43135) posted at 6:42 PM on Thursday, February 5th, 2015
"This is about SG and what he needs to do for himself.
With every action there is a reaction. SG's WW set this chain of events in motion with her action. SG had no say in this. He got no vote he was not told only lied to.
His WW knew full well the consequence of cheating...and yet she chose to do it with out regard to what SG might do.
He has every right to choose how to handle his situation. What his WW did is on her.
SG chose how to handle his situation, with careful planning and a great deal of thought. If he chooses not to speak with her that is what he needs to do for him.
What ever his WW does or does not do is not up to him. She created this situation. SG can not control what she does.
I would certainly not want anyone come to harm. But you can not control what people do weather you are speaking to them or not.
He chooses to remove himself I think that should be respected.
He said he needs to get away and start moving forward.
He should do that."
I have never posted my story because I have never confronted my H. We are not well-off and a D would financially devastate us. Plus I feel it is best to look the other way because I know my H loves me and we are otherwise very happy with a great family life. He needs sex, and I can't give it to him. But still sometimes I get angry and I look here for courage to confront him, but I never do because the anger seems so extreme. I don't want to be that angry. But I don't want to be hurt. It's hard. Anyway, my point is I have often thought if I had the money, I would just take the kids and leave. But reading this...I think it is harsh. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want my children to see their dad as a bad person, because he is a great father. I can't treat him that way, no matter how bad I feel sometimes. Maybe I'm messed up, but I could never let go of all compassion.
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