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Frank- It does seem strange that I feel she’s semi-remorseful even with her suicide attempt. I feel that way because she says she wants to stay with me and reconcile but she makes no effort to examine why she had the affair or answer any other lingering questions. Then it occurs to me that the attempt could have been less about regret and more of an effort to avoid responsibility and the social scorn that she may have to deal with, if this becomes common knowledge.

It seems you’re right about affair-sex, based on everything I’m reading. Unfortunately, its also true that once you get burned by it, the idea of ruining someone else’s relationship with some hot, steamy affair-sex isn’t very appealing.

And yes, weekly for 4 1/2 to 5 years according to her latest guess. Sometimes 2x a week but not always for sex. Sometimes just a legitimate workout and some chit chat. There is no way she didn’t have some feelings for this dirt bag. Not admitting it makes me worried that she could still feel that way and who knows when it could crop up again.

Anyway, our next marriage therapy session I’m going to press for some answers. She seems to feel more obligated to discuss it in that setting.
Thanks for listening.

LTH. It is truly cruel, that behavior and her cutting words. Sex with a married man in his garage while his own wife and children are on the same property is her best sex? While the man who loves her and her own children are waiting for her at her home! Then a suicide attempt. It doesn't even all add up. If there is any way you can monitor her phone calls and activities - maybe you should try that. My world became a lot clearer after I started listening into my WX's telephone conversations.

Step aside and let her go live her best life in this guy's garage with his wife and kids nearby and call it done. As painful as it is for you and your kids - it is what it is.

Don't ever accept her lousy opinion of you. Don't ever.

She’s basically telling me that her whole five year affair was about sex and I was not providing sex that was satisfying to her so she went elsewhere. It is really getting to me and I’m trying to figure out if she is trying spare my feelings by saying it was not also an emotional affair or if she is telling me that our marriage meant so little that getting better sex from someone else was worth all the risks.
I’m sure additional therapy will help me understand her answer but she is sticking with the answer and I’m not sure anything will make that better. What a shitty feeling.

At this point, I cannot even imagine the amount of your soul that will die if you continue to stay with her. The fact that she is not incredibly remorseful given the scope of her treason is the true measure of her character.

She doesnt value you man. Not one iota. At most, you are a convenience. Please pick up what is left of your self esteem and identity and leave her to her debauchery.

Its only a short time since your wife’s solution to her situation (of her own creation) was attempted suicide. She’s still a far way off from being capable of explaining the why of the affair. Heck… might be months of IC before she finally get’s it.
"Just sex" is her way of minimizing or limiting pain. If she thought the emotional part was less harmful she would be claiming that, and that the sex had been bad.
I wouldn’t put too much value on her statements now.

What does concern me is that at first it was 2 years, then 3, then 3 ½ and now it’s 5…

Is she still trickle-truthing?

I like your comment on having a mental deadline (as I recommended). Set your goal for that deadline, and IMHO having a verifiable and believable timeline would be a great place to start, and if there is any hope of R that she has found and started treatment with an IC.

200 sex encounters over 5 years? That ain’t just sex and it ain’t an affair. It’s bigamy. Of course there were "feelings." Otherwise she is a sociopath.

Bigger- You seem very knowledgeable in this area. I hope you’re right about her not really even knowing what the reason was just yet. I suppose the real answer could be more or less hurtful, but this one seems like a silly reason to throw everything away and a good way to get a jab in at me at the same time. Why give me a jab? I’m not sure, she’s got nothing to be angry about, other than her own actions.

Good advice from Bigger. Pretty common for the cheater to jab at a BS or try and blameshift and minimize the affair.. It’s a way of shifting away from the shame and guilt rather than accept responsibility. I agree I would not put too much stock in her statements right now. Take care of you.

I’m sorry about everything you’re going through right now and wanted to add an additional thought on telling your kids.

Give some thought not only to when / how to tell them (you’ve gotten some great advice already), but also to what their reactions might be in the days / weeks / months after and how best you can support them. When I went through this with my young adult kids, I was open with them that for my own wellbeing, I needed to have minimal / no contact with their dad. I also explained that they each might have a variety of reactions, from wanting to maintain a relationship with their dad to NOT wanting a continued relationship with him…or things in between…and that their desire to have or not have contact with their dad could change over time.

Most importantly, I was open about the fact that each of us might make different choices. One kid might want to maintain a relationship with him and another might never want to see him again. And all of those choices are valid and ok…and we need to respect and support each other’s choices. The kids and I had a lot of conversations about how they were feeling with respect to their dad, for months after the affair was exposed, and I think that was a good thing.

I’m sure you don’t want any tension or rift happening between your kids if, for example, one wants to be very supportive of your wife while another is angry / doesn’t want to talk to her. One kid might find her suicide attempt emotionally unmooring and not be so focused on the affair, while another may be distraught about the affair and shrug off the suicide attempt. One of the kids deep down may want to find a way forward with his / her mom but also feel torn about being "disloyal" to you. It can get complicated and messy, fast.

Your wife may feel that the kids are adults and will be fine, but there is a web of relationships between all of you, and the change in the relationship between you and your wife will have an impact on all of those other relationships. Unfortunately I don’t think there is any way around that, so the best I can offer is to acknowledge this with your kids and invite them to share whatever is on their minds. They are adults, but they are still humans, and this news will still forever alter their sense of "family" and "parents". So talk, check in, stay connected, encourage them to talk to a therapist or trusted person, etc. and all of you will get through this, together.