SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You might want to get a credit report run on your husband. He might’ve only started charging to the joint credit card account because he’s maxed out his credit elsewhere. I don’t think someone runs up $18k in 3 months on cheating out of the blue.

Sorry for what you have been through the past 4 months @StuckinBeetween.

I would advise opening your own bank account for your money from your business. I can promise you he won't be paying for much sex on a teachers salary. Then talk to a lawyer. I think you changed from the start of thread where you seemed to be considering having a open marriage to stay with your husband. I think you have changed on that idea. However if not then do the 180 show him you are fine with the open marriage concept and get yourself a online dating profile start going on dates and let him see you are fine and enjoying the "open marriage" concept he very well may have a change of heart then and think he actually has it pretty good at home.

I do think however based on your view about marriage and intimacy you probably don't feel comfortable with that option, but it may work. I personally think you should just file for divorce and move on with your life. Best of luck!

[This message edited by HappilyMarried1 at 8:33 PM, April 29th (Thursday)]

But really, I'm not sure you were understanding my talk about the pool. OR why it matters if I am digging myself or have contractors. I think I was trying to process some loss here...it has nothing to do with money.

SIB – Maybe one of the biggest mistakes people make here on SI is when they try to do their own home-made divorce. Sort of like you sit down and decide he get’s the BMW and you get the Honda, and he keeps his savings and pension because you get the house (and the mortgage).

It’s precisely doing THAT I’m warning against – Don’t even contemplate doing your own divorce any more than you might contemplate doing your own pool.

I am not advocating a messy, drawn-out and expensive divorce. I’m even OK with you two having some outline or basic agreement in place before you talk to an attorney. Heck… If he is OK with it I’m even fine with only YOU having an attorney or doing the divorce through an attorney you hired. What is important IMHO is that YOU have someone YOU trust that is thinking of YOUR interest. Plus you have someone that is 100% clear that debts are separated, taxes separated, assets separated…

Keep in mind that as-is he could be running up a debt that you could become liable for.

I really want to stress that factor:

In most states and countries a married people become more-or-less one financial entity. When the repo-men start knocking on your door they aren’t going to take half the TV or half the house. If your husband is sending his GF rent-money then theoretically YOU are funding half of it.

I am going to – in the strongest way possible – to encourage you to start looking seriously at divorce. If for no other reason than it can put a line under your financial accountability for his actions.

Bigger - my apologies! I totally misread your intent with the pool analogy. Makes total sense right now..

I am finding I'm vacillating from feeling like everything is fine to what seems more appropriate - anger, fear, disbelief. I can really feel the pull of wanting to sit here in the calm after the storm. But, of course, the storm is still waging isn't it.

WH is doing all the right things, which I guess is part of the problem. Apologizing over and over, remorseful, you don't deserve this, I don't know what I was thinking, I will just work to keep the stress off you, etc. etc.

Apologizing over and over, remorseful, you don't deserve this, I don't know what I was thinking, I will just work to keep the stress off you, etc. etc.

While he continues to cheat, or has he stopped?

Well he's stopped - as of about April 16 when I found out the first story (work friend, nothing happened but it would have). A week later I discovered the real truth - prostitutes, stealing money, etc. Nothing in the bank records to suggest he has continued - although there were some purchases of lingerie for 3 different woman that went through a few days after discovery. Did I mention he sent $500 to a woman because of a sob story? He never even met her, didn't even get online porn from her!

He never even met her, didn't even get online porn from her!

Sounds like something my WH would do, to be honest.

Can you ask him to pull a free credit report to see if he has other credit cards or loans that you're not aware of that he's continuing to use to fund these things? My WH used PayPal credit to fund his cam girl obsession, so I never would have seen it in the bank records. Would have just looked like he was paying his monthly bill.

WH is doing all the right things, which I guess is part of the problem. Apologizing over and over, remorseful, you don't deserve this, I don't know what I was thinking, I will just work to keep the stress off you, etc. etc.

This isn't remorse. It's because he got caught. If he hadn't been caught red-handed, you'd still be dealing with the arrogant attitude you saw from him last week. Real remorse is about what he's done to others, to you in particular. It's about being completely let down by yourself.

Believe me, crocodile tear and snot-bubbled promises to change are the NORM from newly busted cheaters hoping to avoid consequences. So, here's the deal if you're thinking about R. YOU set the parameters for change. YOU set the boundaries. And you don't have to give him any guarantees or commitments. He chose unilaterally to END your marriage. All you're doing now if you want a divorce is agreeing with him, making sure the i's are dotted and the t's are crossed.

Think about what it is that YOU need to stay, then demand it. For me, I most certainly would want full control of marital spending, a post-nuptial agreement in my favor, and access to all phones, emails, apps. etc. He would need to see a therapist for his sexual misconduct and loss of impulse control. And I would reserve the right to change my mind until I had taken time to really HEAL from the trauma.

Now isn't the time to back down. If you ever want to be able to trust this guy again, he's going to need to jump through the right hoops and prove he can be trusted. Don't be taken in by tears and apologies. Those are for HIM, not for you.

Can a moderator please contact me ASAP? WH has been spying on my SI post. I need to change my password.

Pm sent