SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi to all the BW's of SA's,
It's been forever since I've posted, so I wanted to say hi and happy Holidays. I'm one of the very few that has stayed with my SAWH and life is pretty good. We hit 3.5 years this month and it didn't even phase me. I have had some pain lately about feeling like I can't forgive him in my heart and so I've decided to go back to therapy after 1 1/2 years of not being in it. I feel like life is really good, and I have forgiven my SAWH in my mind but I feel like (and my SAWH does too) I can't forgive him in my heart. It's like I haven't fully forgiven him even though I've told him I have. I feel like if I've forgiven him, then I would have no pain, and I still have pain. So today is the first day I'm going back to my amazing therapist for help. I really want to forgive him for me, not for him. My therapist has always said that you forgive for yourself, not for the other person. But I think I believe now that it has to come naturally, and I think that hasn't happened yet.

My SAWH lead a double life for a good chunk of our marriage. I always used to be so proud of him because he came from horrible abuse, and literally nothing, and made a name for himself in his field of work. Now I hate his past as we've discovered, through lots of therapy, that the abuse is what probably drove him to the sex addiction. Like almost all of you, we had an amazing marriage. People used to tell me how lucky I was. I don't feel that way anymore. I feel like I married a broken soul and I never saw it.

Hurtmyheart, I used to listen to the BTR podcasts but never did the group. I did something very similar to that though, that was more local to me, and it helped me immensely. I belonged to the group for about 2 years and then decided that I was done so I stopped going. I think you should try anything that you think could help you.

Hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving, if you celebrate. Sending lots of love!!

VeryHurt

This forum has been pretty quiet lately. Hope that's a good thing. My dday was March of 2014. So heading into 8 years since I found out my SAWH had a secret life mostly with stripppers in strip club but also prostitutes on backpages and affair with ex girlfriend. I stayed with him because I have a chronic pain/health condition and need his help so that combined with not wanting to split our assets and try to manage on my own. He's horrible with money and I'm good with spending/saving/investing, seemed hateful to give him half that's largely there due to my work.

I caught him via text messages from his current favourite stripper. Of course at the time I did not know he was texting with a stripper in a strip club and first thing I told him if he wanted to stay with me was to send her a NC text. She was ticked and said they couldn't break up via text. I was still in the dark and said I get her point. Found out she works in a club and WTF she didn't deserve a breakup/NC text. Like who cares, there's another wallet coming in right after you. I did investigate her at the time and found out her real name etc.

I never blocked her number, why bother, not an affair situation. After dday she texted a couple of times and he showed me, said she must need money. They were basically just hi how are you, trying to lure him back. Ignored but at least he showed me. Remember we are going back 7 years now.

Friday night his cellphone rings and he holds his phone up to me, says must be wrong number. It displays full name and location. I knew immediately but he absolutely did not twig (her stage name is what he knew her by, I knew her display name from above mentioned sleuthing work). She actually left a message. He did later go and retrieved a voicemail from her. Said (quite honestly, legit, he had no clue) it's some old lady that has the wrong number, he said hope you're dealing with Covid and God Bless. Well half an hour or so later his phone rang again, same name and he handed me the phone and said you deal with it (quite typical for him, he truly had no clue). I answered and said I think you have the wrong number. She said in what I think she thought was sultry voice oh I know it's not the wrong number. I said who are you. She said it's xxx and we met at yyy (strip club). Stupid B had no clue she was talking to a female. I said why are you calling? She said I just wanted to make sure you are okay and I said I'd be a lot better if you lost this phone number (almost 8 years really?) and disconnected. Then said to SAWH she must be hurting for money. SAWH was completely freaked out by call, that's so long ago, I don't need that shit dredged up etc. He's been taking his bp 3 times a day for Dr. and kept saying I can't take my bp after that. I have to say a bit amusing. You let her have your number, you invited this in your life, sure who would have thought all these years later it would come back to bite but your problem buddy.

I don't know if this is amusing, sad, scary or what. But had to share it somewhere and have not told a single person about SA so can't tell anyone in my real life. And to add to this, Sat night (day after) we were having trouble with our new furnace and talking with technician back and forth and his f phone rings, it's her again. SAWH said in disgust it's her again and hit the decline rather than accept on his phone. He may not be "clean" as an addict (hasn't done enough work but I am sure he wants nothing to do with her). I know there's a human traffiking problem and all that but this B is over 40 now and desperate for a wallet. Keep looking chickie, not here.

Quite unbelievable this many years later. And no, he doesn't get if this girl goes postal or something he set himself up for it. Note also this all happened in our work area, we retired 3 hours aways from where she is. Based on her intelligence (or lack thereof) in the voicemail and on the phone doubt she could ever find us. She does not know his actual name, she did not know she was speaking to me not him. I resisted so many thoughts but did say you obviously weren't attracted to her intelligence.

Maybe no point posting here but had to get it out and can't tell anyone else. Just jeepers these guys don't have a clue when in the thick of it. Way back I did ask how did she get your number and he acted like the victim, she pulled my business card out of my pocket. At the time I was concerned and said she knows where you work, but she took the card out of my pocket. Holy guy how stupid can you be? He was too happy with the sexting to bother caring about any aftermath.

I love him, 30 years of shared history, but the reveal of 20+ years of double life snuffed out the in love with him. Whatever. I just didn't expect stupid whore to contact him after all these years. Maybe I should post in covid sob stories on her behalf. Pfft.

Thanks for listening.

dontsaylonely,

I wanted to say that I hear you and understand your pain and disbelief.
I don't think that waiting for the shoe to drop ever goes away. I probably wonder once a week if my exSAWH fathered a child and if some day our daughter will get a call from someone saying 'Hi, I'm your half-sibling' and how that will traumatize her. He says he didn't, but how would he know since he also says some of his affairs were one night stands, and it's not the like the married APs would let him know it was his.

I did have a few bombshells. One day when he was in rehab I answered the door and it was the sheriff serving a subpoena. The AP that I found out about on my first DDay and her husband were divorcing, and her H was subpoenaing my SAWH to testify at their divorce hearing. He was off in rehab then, so he was completely insulated from the entire thing. I got to deal with the trauma and humiliation of accepting the papers. (I will say the sheriff was kind.) This AP husband had a violent criminal record, and I knew he knew where we lived. To this day I lock the door even if I'm just letting the dog into the yard for a moment. I suspect my exSAWH never thinks about any of this, even in his sobriety.

The addict brain never thinks past their immediate impulse. I've heard it said they maximize the potential reward of their actions and minimize the consequences. It's kind of like living with a two year old.

I

feel like I married a broken soul and I never saw it.

That pretty much sums it up.
I hope you have a peaceful holiday and a happy, healthy 2022

Thanks for listening Black Raven. Quite agree we never stop worrying, even if in back of mind (how unsettling!) for the other shoe to drop. Back in the aftermath of D Day I did say should I wonder if someone's going to come knocking and say Hi Daddy. He said no and didn't really understand why I would ask. Well, what the ? you are not who you thought you were so anything is possible. That feeling has never left. And, as you said for your situation, would my SAWH even consider long term aftermath as he sure didn't think beyond getting his fix at that particular moment.

Oh that's horrid that you had to answer door to Sherriff. Kind or not (thankfully he was) I would be so horrified to get that. And of course the guy that caused you that situation is insulated from the fallout. And having to lock your door to go out for a minute is a special kind of hell in its' own. I am thankful that his activities all happened well away from our retirement area. Then again if stripper took his business card and got his number from that she could have it still, call the company number and someone there could say oh he retired and lives in xyz town now. Who knows? I guess I've decided for my own sanity I cannot worry/think about those scenarios.

I've stopped researching and really reading about SA. I broke all my own beliefs and principles to stay with him (as previously stated I have very limiting health conditions and need 100% of our assets for future full time care) so to survive and keep my stress level low I just try to put it on block in my brain. But he's always been and still is a very impulsive person and doesn't think of any consequences when a decision is made. He would go buy something expensive and then later ask me how we are going to pay for that. He did do a lot of IC and perhaps benefitted but nothing truly value changing. He thinks he's fine now. I think he's white knuckling. But I can't care as worry is stress and stress hurts my health. Sure not where I thought I'd be at this point in life.

Having said that, a 2 year old can be trained. Trying to fix this stuff at 60 years old in my experience seems to be insurmountable. And I don't have the patience at this point to deal with a 2 year old!

I'm glad you got out and wish I felt I could have.

dontsaylovely

Have you talked to a good divorce lawyer? I did a quick search and given your husband's spending on strippers and prostitutes, one of these might apply under Canadian law:

Spending to Feed an Addiction

In Dillon v. Dillon, 2010 ONSC 5858, the husband was a severe alcoholic, who incurred debts to feed his alcohol addictions. He lost many jobs over the years, and took pains to hide the dire family financial circumstances from the wife, who was completely unaware.

Given that their financial circumstances were spurred by the husband’s need to incur debt to feed his addiction, the court found this was a situation completely out of the wife’s control. Because of his reckless behaviour, she had effectively contributed significantly more than the husband toward amassing their family assets which formed the NFP – for example a cottage worth $260,000, and RRSPs funds amounting to $150,000. She had also paid over $50,000 towards the husband’s debts in order to keep things afloat for the benefit of their children.

By concealing the extent and timing of his "financial perdition" (as the court called it), the husband deprived the wife of an opportunity to prevent his destructive behaviour, or to prepare herself for retirement. The court found that the husband had "taken advantage of the [wife’s] selfless act of placing herself in a position of vulnerability in the best interests of her children." An unequal division of NFP was ordered.

Spending Money on an Affair Partner

Finally, in a case called Hutchings v. Hutchings (2001), 2001 CanLII 28130 (ON SC), 20 R.F.L. (5th) 83 (Ont. S.C.J.), the husband was engaged in an extra-marital affair, and used family money in to order to travel with his mistress to Europe and Quebec. The wife was suspicious, and accused the husband of spending money on not just this but other affairs as well; however she was never able to prove the allegations. In this case, the court also ordered that the husband had engaged in reckless and intentional depletion of the NFP and that there should be an unequal division.

I'm wondering if any former spouses of SAs have tried dating. What is it like? How do you trust? How do you explain why you aren't married anymore?

I don't want a serious relationship, and to be honest, the thought of sex with someone new at the age of 60 is terrifying to me, but it would be nice to have people to do things with. (and a hug would be nice.)
It's so hard to meet new people with Covid that I was wondering about the dating sites .... but I just don't now.

Thoughts?

Hi Black Raven! I've not been checking in here for a looong time, so I didn't know that you separated; but to your question, my take on this - from former dating experiences (many!) between husband # 1 and this guy - is: you don't want to tell lies of omission, yet you gotta be SUPER careful about what you actually SAY. To me, it proved to be almost like giving the new guy an "outline" of what he should be careful never to share with YOU. And I ended up with more of the same! So now I think: better to let them reveal their own attitudes about the role sex in marriage holds for them and their family of origin...

My SAWH heard waaaay too much about my X's, so he knew what he had to say - or OMIT saying! - to look different than the bad X....

Gosh, I don't know how to address this one....sorry!

Black Raven I'm 68 this year, 13 years out from walking away from my disaster of a 22-year marriage.

I took about five years before I decided to get online and see what was what. It's a morass, but I found a few nuggets.

I've had a few meetups/dates with interesting men, and two physical encounters in that time. One with someone my age who was on the same page divorce-wise, gun-shy about relationships but open to a brief FWB sitch. The other was just before Covid, I was on vacation back east when an acquaintance from my musical adventures tracked me down when I was in his vicinity. He's twenty years younger and stunningly handsome, and he just wanted to touch base and tell me he thought I was "really fucking hot". Which culminated in a delicious evening in a sauna in my cabin on my friend's property. Both of these were just randoms, and I was subsequently smitten but not overwhelmingly so. I moved on and am still friends with both of them.

Even though neither panned out into a relationship, I have zero regrets. It was life-affirming and didn't feel weird at all. If nothing else comes along, at least when I die I'll be able to say my last orgasm wasn't with my fucknut ex.

Your mileage may vary, but if you keep an open mind to the possibilities, anything is, well... possible! Just take the time to find yourself first, and yeah, don't spill too much information at the first interview. It really doesn't matter anymore after enough time goes by.

Covid complicates the heck out of everything, especially with everyone going tribal over vax status, so I'm not really going out of my way at the moment. But I'm looking forward to my next round of travel, whenever that might be. It is a nice tonic to put the colour back into your life after being in fight or flight mode for so long!

[This message edited by FaithFool at 2:23 AM, Saturday, December 18th]

Thanks Superesse, Faithfool

at least when I die I'll be able to say my last orgasm wasn't with my fucknut ex.

Amen to that. I'd like to reclaim the sexuality that was wrung out of me over the decades by an emotionally anorexic man. It would be nice to feel passionate again, and to receive some passion, not just get screwed by a lousy lay who was probably fantasizing about another woman or the porn he watched.

Hi Blackraven,

I'm not divorced but my very close friend is and I've watched her (she had a drug addicted/alcoholic husband who also cheated on her several times so we lamented a lot). She is 55 and went on "Coffee Meets Bagel" (a dating site) where she dated several guys before she met her boyfriend. They are very serious and she is happy again. I know if you put yourself out there, you'll find someone. I wish you luck.

If nothing else comes along, at least when I die I'll be able to say my last orgasm wasn't with my fucknut ex.

I'm glad it's not just me that was so important to, lol. I swear my first hook-up post XWH was worth more than a year of therapy. I could not bear that he was the last person to touch me.

Ok, I know it's been a while since anyone really responded here, and I'm sure that everyone is busy with NYE plans, but I finally just hopped back on and wanted to check in.

Amen to that. I'd like to reclaim the sexuality that was wrung out of me over the decades by an emotionally anorexic man. It would be nice to feel passionate again, and to receive some passion, not just get screwed by a lousy lay who was probably fantasizing about another woman or the porn he watched.

To piggy back on this, I was so incredibly scared that I would never be able to reclaim my sexuality. That I would always be repulsed by physical touch, or even the idea of it.

Turns out all I needed was to sleep with someone who isn't lying to me and leading a double life behind my back!

Honestly, it took me a while to get there though. I just finally slept with someone for the first time 2 weeks ago, and it had been over 3 years for me at that point. I thought that maybe it was a fluke because we had both had a lot of wine, and that maybe the alcohol is what pushed me through. But then I slept with him again a couple of nights ago, having only had 2 glasses over the course of a few hours, and it still was just as good, and I didn't have any adverse reactions to touch or anything like I was afraid I would.

I'm one of those people who just needed a lot of time. I had to really feel it in my body that I was ready. I've only just noticed over the past few months that I've finally started to feel safe in my own skin again. Safe dressing in a way that feels attractive, of even inviting that gaze in at all.

And then the opportunity came around with this guy who I've known for 6 years ish, and who made it very clear that he is attracted to me etc., and when he got more touchy feely at work (touching my arm when he came up to speak to me and letting it linger, that kind of thing) I noticed that it didn't bother me. It felt natural that he would do that, I guess. The advances didn't feel threatening, or aggressive, they just felt... nice.

I'm wondering if any former spouses of SAs have tried dating. What is it like? How do you trust? How do you explain why you aren't married anymore?

I have the unique experience of having worked with this person on and off for years (we're both independent contractors, so it depends on the job), and we worked together approximately 4 months post DDay, so he kind of saw me at my worst. So he knew that our marriage blew up due to infidelity, and I was very, very raw at the time, so I know I wasn't holding it together as well as I would have liked to, which means he saw a very rough-around-the-edges HHADL.

I only recently opened up to him about the sex addiction aspect of it, as we're beginning to date and I felt it relevant to bring up. But I'm also known for being an open book about things. I don't mince words, I do not suffer fools, and I'm not afraid to talk about my traumatic stuff - it actually helps me to just put it out there, otherwise I just feel like there is an elephant in the room and I can't even concentrate because I'm just there staring at the elephant that nobody else sees. I still haven't even scratched the surface on that topic, but he does know that sex addiction was involved at least.

I do think at first, to just say that "my marriage ended due to repeated infidelity" is a good place to start. If you want to make it light, you can phrase it as a joke and say something like, "Yeah, my marriage ended because I didn't like that my husband had girlfriends," or "because I didn't sign up to be a sister wife," or something like that. It's a way of putting it out there without getting down to the nitty gritty of it.

I don't know, I'm very happy that I've had the experience of at least going on a date post the split... even if this goes nowhere, it's nice to have broken through that first barrier. But I'm not gonna lie, I don't think I would have felt as comfortable as I did if it wasn't someone I hadn't already known for so long. The idea of online dating and having to go out with essentially a stranger feels incredibly daunting.

Then again, I'm definitely catching feelings for this guy, and that scares the living hell out of me, too. I think it has been a quicker transition for both of us because we've actually known each other so long, and work together really well, so there is an enhanced feeling of intimacy. I'm trying to stay on top of my feelings and not allow myself to become too vulnerable too fast.

I do think he's a great guy. He has made it very clear that he is interested in me in a way that is more about my intellect, my work ethic, and me as a person and how well we get along... not just about sex and being attracted to me, so that has been very nice. But I don't know if he knew exactly what he was signing up for in dating me... I've put a lot of the pieces back together by now, but I'm still a person who was very, very broken for a long time, and those cracks are always going to show a bit.

I can tell this new guy has a little bit of relationship trauma in his past just based off of a few context clues and subtle hints he has given... I think he's also in the "I don't want to give too much away too fast" phase, so I'm treading lightly there and letting him open up to me in his own time... but I can feel myself keeping him at arm's length, because the inability to know every little thing about him and to use that info to run data and analyze whether or not he is going to hurt me makes me want to run away. I do recognize the absurdity in wanting him to be a fully open book and tell me every little thing, while simultaneously wanting to play all of my own stuff close to the vest and not open up to him.

And I know that's a self-preservation tactic, and I'm working really hard to stay mentally present and just allow myself to sit with the uncertainty and know that everything is going to be ok no matter what, but I also don't want to hurt him because I've still got stuff that needs repair. I don't want to be the woman who won't let anyone in anymore, but it's a very hard habit to break.

It's crazy how these broken people go around breaking other people into bits in a futile attempt to piece themselves back together. Even after everything he put me through, all of the trauma, I can't imagine inflicting that on anyone else.

Anyway, my long-winded musings for the end of 2021. Hope you all have a great night tonight! I will be cuddled up with my kitties under a warm blanket and will probably be asleep by 9 haha. Happy New Year!

HHADL

How wonderful for you! Even if it doesn't lead to a long-term romance, I think it's a sign of your healing that you are able to feel something - anything - for someone. Hurray!! The situation sounds about as good as can be. That he saw you at your worse - and that it happened naturally. It's nice to believe that sometimes the world isn't conspiring against us... lol.

I would always be repulsed by physical touch, or even the idea of it.

I did a double take on this because it was my topic of conversation with my therapist during my last session. My father gave me a big bear hug when I was visiting over the holidays and I couldn't handle it. I asked him to let go. It was like I couldn't breathe. It doesn't always happen, but it does sometimes and it scares me. (It also used to happen with my ex, even before I knew about the betrayal)

I'm working really hard to stay mentally present and just allow myself to sit with the uncertainty and know that everything is going to be ok no matter what

This too. That's pretty much my daily mantra. I get overwhelmed sometimes trying to figure out my future. For instance, should I move someplace without the memories? What will it be like to age alone? Do I have the nerve to go camping alone? So many little obstacles, which is interesting because I'm actually a pretty independent, resourceful person. I was older when I got married, so I had a solo life for along time, but it's different at this end of the spectrum and I guess I need to learn back those skills. I keep telling myself just to sit with it and it will all be OK. I'm also trying to view the uncertainties as opportunities rather than obstacles. But I haven't quite gotten to the part where I seize those opportunities.

Here's wishing us all a happy, healthy, serene 2022.

My father gave me a big bear hug when I was visiting over the holidays and I couldn't handle it. I asked him to let go. It was like I couldn't breathe. It doesn't always happen, but it does sometimes and it scares me.

This happened to me too a lot in the beginning... my dad went to grab my hand in the car as a comforting gesture and I had to tell him to please not touch me. I have generally always been a very no-touchie type of person, I don't like physical touch from people I'm not close to, but it was weird for it to be on such a level where ANY kind of touch gave me such a visceral reaction.

For instance, should I move someplace without the memories? What will it be like to age alone? Do I have the nerve to go camping alone? So many little obstacles, which is interesting because I'm actually a pretty independent, resourceful person.

FWIW I found that facing the memories head on was more helpful than moving. Time and lots of therapy have helped the triggers surrounding places diminish significantly. I'm still on high alert when I'm in some places for fear that I may see him, but those are only certain very specific places that I know he frequents, and I don't have a ton of occasion to be there so it's mostly a non-issue now.

I also generally consider myself to be independent. I think of myself as not NEEDING anyone, but WANTING certain people to be around if that makes sense. I've always told people, if I choose to spend time with you it's because I really WANT to, so you never have to question whether I'm having a good time, or if I want to be there - if I didn't want to, I wouldn't. But of course there are certain activities that as a woman I feel safer having a man around - camping being one of those things I miss the most. It's kind of crazy in light of the Gabby Petito case to think about how even with a man you're not necessarily safe... in fact you may be less safe, depending on the type of man you're with.

For those who may have thought all is well and everything is fine and dandy over in HHADL dating land, not to worry, I have already spiraled out about this whole thing several times in the last few days

Can't decide if he's actually interested in me or just wants me for sex... one minute I think it's all about me, then the next it's all about the sex. He SAYS he is all about me, but as we all know, words are cheap, and only time will truly tell there. It doesn't help that I slept with him after the first date, but damn, I just wanted to get over that hump! And everyone kept telling me to "live in the moment," and in the moment, well, I wanted to have sex with him, so here we are.

I did ask him why he didn't make a move on our last business trip (there was an almost moment where he very well could have kissed me, but didn't) and he said because it was important to him that it be in the right context, like on our first date, rather than in the lobby of a business hotel. And he did follow through on that, so there's that.

I have also gone from thinking he's a great guy and being able to list off a bunch of things about him that I like to then fully convincing myself that all of those qualities are proof that he is a narcissist/personality disordered and that I'm just ignoring red flags again

Soooooo, lessons learned from the past few weeks are 1) that I'm far more healed in some areas (physical touch/no repulsion there) and 2) I'm far less healed in others (abandonment/trust issues).

Anyway, back to the grind starting tomorrow. How are the rest of you ladies doing?

What can I say to start this post I just need to say it to someone to ease my mind, it’s extremely triggering so please don’t read on if you can’t cope with triggers…. SLAWH raped me on New Years Eve. He was drunk beyond comprehension and I had a head injury from a fall and was unconscious, nobody knew at the party I’d hurt myself and they all thought I was drunk so left me alone and he did this. I can’t think straight I’m going through every possible emotion right now, but flashbacks to that night is like gradually putting a jigsaw together. We’ve been doing great in R and it’s been 7 years with very few slips, I thought the SLA was put away in its nasty box then this has happened. I’m trying to come to terms with it in my head before making any decisions I feel broken 😞

Oh Mandy, this is so horrible. I don't even know where to begin. I don't imagine you feel very safe right now. I wish I could give you a hug. I've been raped, but not by my spouse. That's just so awful. All of your feelings about this are valid and it is a huge trauma. Are you getting help for yourself? Because this is big.

Thanks for replying Dee I appreciate your support. The last 6 days have been very difficult each day remembering little snippets and wondering did that happen or I’m Imagining it. I was mostly scared by the head injury as I’m on blood thinners. Waking up with the big lump, blood and headache was distressing and then came the physical injuries he has left me with once I tried moving. Finding I’d vomited 3 times during the night was awful. I couldn’t see as my glasses were missing and he was acting sheepish trying to find them. They were found in the garden where I’d slipped and fell down the steps alone in the dark. Everyone was shocked when they found out about the head injury and I just wanted to go home. I’d only had 3 small glasses of wine over 5 hours so I know none of my incapacity was alcohol related. I could have died and my husband who is usually the perfect gent so kind and considerate hadn’t even recognised I was in trouble. It’s so out of character that’s why I couldn’t get my head around it all. I keep getting little visions of what happened from 10.30pm when I was standing looking at stars to 5.30am when I woke up in that bed in pain, I have no idea how I even got there. I told him I couldn’t remember anything on the way home but I was very sore. He immediately said he was sorry but he got carried away when we had sex. I thought I must have been consenting to the sexual activity and didn’t question it. The next day he came to me and said he needed to confess and was so sorry he’d took advantage of me when I was unconscious and he feels disgusted in himself. He began crying saying it is all a blur to him and he can’t remember everything that happened as it was surreal. He called his sponsor who is a psychotherapist and he told my husband he’d sexually assaulted me. I usually encourage his recovery but I couldn’t entertain him and his self pity. Over the last few days I feel my thoughts are getting worse about the incident and I’m questioning myself and my part in the so called assault. I don’t want to go into detail as to what I’m remembering as it’s distressing and I don’t know what I should do or who can help me. Here is the first time I’ve spoken out.

I could have died and my husband who is usually the perfect gent so kind and considerate hadn’t even recognised I was in trouble. It’s so out of character that’s why I couldn’t get my head around it all.

I can't imagine how hard it is to try and wrap your head around this. You just discovered that it actually is in his character to rape you while you're injured and unconscious. That is just so devastating. You've been raped and have all the feelings and trauma around that and you're simultaneously trying to understand that this is something your husband did to you. Honestly Mandy, this isn't a safe relationship. This is terrifying. Don't let him downplay it at all. It is as bad as you think it is and I am so sorry. He did something that he could go to jail for and he did it to you. You didn't contribute to this at all, but some self-blame just goes along with being raped and it's so hard. Please do get therapy for yourself for this. You're going to need a lot of support and you can't get that from the person who did this to you.

Mandy7,

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. Please don't blame yourself. You did nothing wrong.

I looked online and in Newcastle (which I think is where you are located) and there some various support options for you. I know you've been through a lot with a SLAWH, but this is different and one of these specialized groups can assist you in finding someone to help you process this, and maybe a support group. Also, depending on what your relationship has been with your husband, you might also want to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases, as it seems apparent that he is not in recovery. Is there any chance you could be pregnant?

I'll cut and paste so you don't have to go looking. Here's what I found.

There is a group called Shine (Sexual Health In Newcastle): 0191 2772050. It says you can leave a message and they will call you back. It is a community women’s health project offering free and confidential support and services for women. (Or you can email: shine@newcastle.gov.uk)

Also, according to the Shine website:

If you've been sexually assaulted, there are services other than Shine that can help direct and link you to. You don’t have to report the assault to police if you don’t want to. You may need time to think about what has happened to you. However, consider getting medical help as soon as possible, because you may be at risk of pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections (STIs). If you want the crime to be investigated, the sooner a forensic medical examination takes place, the better.

Try not to wash or change your clothes immediately after a sexual assault. This may destroy forensic evidence that could be important if you decide to report the assault to the police.

Where you go for help will depend on what’s available in your area and what you want to do. For specialist medical attention and sexual violence support, whether you decide to have a forensic medical examination or not, your first point of call is a sexual assault referral centre (SARC).

In Newcastle your nearest sexual assault centre is:

Sexual Assault Referral Centre - REACH Rhona Cross Centre.

Call: 0191 221 9222

Newcroft House

Market Street East

Newcastle-upon-tyne

Tyne And Wear

NE1 6ND

Sexual assault referral centres (SARCs) offer medical, practical and emotional support. They have specially trained doctors, nurses and support workers to care for you. If you decide to report the assault to the police, they can arrange for you to attend a SARC for medical care and, if you wish, a forensic medical examination.

If you have not reported the assault to the police, you can still refer yourself to a SARC for assessment and medical treatment to prevent some STIs and pregnancy.

If you refer yourself to a SARC and are considering reporting the assault to the police, the centre can arrange for you to have an informal talk with a specially trained police officer, who can explain what is involved.

There are also specially trained advisers available in some SARCs or voluntary organisations to help people who have been sexually assaulted. These independent sexual violence advisers (ISVA) can help victims get access to the other support services they need. They will also support you through the criminal justice system if you decide to report the assault to the police, including supporting you through the trial, should the case go to court.

You can tell someone you trust first, such as a friend, relative or teacher, who can help you get the support you need. SARC services and ISVA support are free to all, whether a resident of the UK or not.

Confidentiality

Your details will be kept as confidential as possible. However, if there’s a police investigation or criminal prosecution linked to the assault, any material relating to it is "disclosable". This means it may have to be produced in court.

If there is no investigation or prosecution, information about you won’t be shared with other services without your permission, unless there's a concern that you or anyone else is at risk of serious harm.

How can Shine help?

A Shine worker can offer support to people who have recently or historically been sexually assaulted and no matter who the perpetrator was, whether you want to report to the police or not. She is here to listen and work closely with partner agencies such as REACH, Changing Lives and the police.

You will be able to discreetly talk about your situation to someone in a safe space; no judgement. The worker will be sensitive to your needs and move at your pace. It is not about telling you what to do but helping you to make informed choices and linking you into all the correct services. This is a free service and open to any female in Newcastle over 16.

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 7:18 AM, Friday, January 7th]

Thank you Raven that’s really lovely of you and very helpful, I appreciate your time x
I’ve been in touch with Rape crisis team and I’m going to see a counsellor on Monday.
I’m really angry this evening as he’s in pity mode feeling extreme shame, guilt and remorse not to mention confusion. He’s feeling very sorry for himself and said he needs lots of TL fu****g C. Not once has he asked if I’m ok apart from when I get into bed and he says "have you healed yet" 😡 WTAF I’m screaming inside! Can’t do any talking or let emotions out in front of the teenage kids. I’m so thankful I have you guys to talk to xx