SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My head and heart are fighting against each other, one’s telling me to stay the other is telling me to open my eyes and look what has gone on and end it.

I’ve read over and over but still can’t make a decision. Throughout the day I sway, if we didn’t have young children I would walk away without looking back. I just feel stuck and fed up now. I just miss my old life and the security and the man I thought he was. It’s been over a year since the first DDay.

I’m wanting to know what was it that made you decide to walk away? How long after discovering/attempting reconciliation?

You have enough "reasons" to walk away.

But here’s what matters. Deciding for yourself what is the best choice.

Ask yourself this - do I want to be living like this (crying, anxious, mistreated, etc) for another year or month or week or day?

No one here can give you the answers. For some people, they would only hold out hope of true Reconciliation for so long and then they would make the decision to end the marriage or relationship where

Some people walk away at the first sign of infidelity. It’s a deal breaker. Period.

While we ended up reconciling (by a miracle) I can tell you that I planned to D my H after 6 months of his continued lying and cheating. For me, on dday2 the anger phase kicked in and I was done.

I had kids and a house I couldn’t afford in my own and a job with a company that made my cheating H look like a saint, unexpected death in the family — all of it at the same time as the affair.

I decided my sanity and peace of mind had to come first. Period.

I hope this helps you.

duplicate

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:09 PM, Friday, June 5th]

I tried R for about 2.5 years, close to the length of his affair, coincidentally. I was on the fence/in limbo hell for almost the entire time. Part of what made it difficult was my child being in high school. I thought maybe I could hold out until she reached 18, but some people advised that doing so can sometimes be more traumatic for the kid(s).

Ultimately I left because it became increasingly clear that stbwx couldn't make the changes in himself that I needed to see. It was an accumulation of many things, and the pile of negatives was growing more than it was shrinking. I also did a trial separation for about 3 months, which made it very clear how much more relaxed I was without him.

As The1stWife said, only you can make the decision. There's no rush or deadline for you to decide. I will say that it would've been very hard for me to divorce if my child had been young and if her dad had wanted shared custody. Having her away 1/2 the time now is tough, but she'll potentially be off to college next year, so I tell myself this is good practice at giving her more autonomy. When she was little, she was very attached to me, and stbwx was not a very involved parent. It would've been incredibly hard on everyone if I hadn't been around for her bedtime routines, getting her to/from school, etc.

Do you have a sense for what your divorced life would look like? Have you consulted with an attorney? Have you thought about what kind of custody arrangement, level of child support, alimony, etc., that you'd want? Could you do a trial separation for a while to see if that makes you miss him, or if you're relieved to be on your own?

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 5:26 AM, Sunday, June 7th]

Missmee:

Awful that you are having to ask this. Just one question, but it takes a journey all by itself to get to. I think that you will know. Nobody can tell you. Only you can decide. Trust your instincts and your feelings. For me it was a number of things, but the major turning point was when I overheard him talking about me on a phone call. He didn't know that I was listening. I'm not the normally nosey wife, but so glad that I heard that. From dday to that moment was too long.
The stress that I left behind was substantial.

My story. Hope it helps.

I had two Ddays almost exactly a year apart. The first almost destroyed me, but i picked myself up and started working on myself. It took a long time, but I rediscovered the person I was before I lost myself in my M. Funny thing,it turned out that I was an interesting person that people liked. The whole process made me stronger and healthier, so when the real Dday came around, I reacted as we all do, but I was much stronger and did not accept any bullshit. My WW went from a position of agency (information control) to playing defense and trying to mitigate the damage.

I gave her 6 months to own her shit and prove to me that she was worthy of a second chance. She wasn't. Meanwhile, I continued to self improve and detach. She occasionally tried pulling some shit with me, vonfusing the new me with the old me, but she quickly realized that it wouldnt work. I remember her breaking down a few times,not for the pain she caused me but for the life she had lost.

After 6 months had passed, I informed her I was going on a solo road trip and I would be back when I got back. I told her not to contact me in any way. She agreed because she knew I no longer gave a shit. On the trip, I spent time reading, Journaling, thinking. When I returned, I asked her a simple question: "What are you doing to help me heal and repair the damage you've done?" She responded (and I kid you not) "I can't be there for you until you're in a better place, because you make me feel too guilty." It was then that I stopped lying to myself, thinking she had the capacity to change. She has really never grown beyond her late teens/early adult self. I told her we were done and went to bed.

It's been almost 10 years now and in less than two months, she will officially be somebody else's problem. Meanwhile, I am doing better than fine. I'm good. I wouldn't say happy (I don't really do happy) but content. I love my peaceful life. Granted, it was a painful journey getting here, but it was worth it.

Early on, people told me, when you know, you'll know. I couldn't understand that until I got to a place where I knew. Looking back, I made the right call divorcing. My ex and I were ill suited for each other and remaining with her would have amounted to a slow death of the soul. She's moved through a couple relationships with the transition having some overlap (still a wayward), while I have settled into my peaceful existence which I guard jealously.

I hope my story might help I some small way. Its a tough decision and I'm certain you'll make the right one once you get to a place where you know.

My ex made it easy by continuing to cheat. But my therapist kept telling me that I would know when I knew. And he was absolutely right. One day I just was like this is it. I’m not doing this anymore. Didn’t change how much it hurt, but I knew the only way out was to do this.

Trust yourself, you’ll know when you know.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 4:47 PM, Sunday, June 7th]

Funny, my therapist also said, "You'll know when you know," and she was also right. It's like it takes us a while (sometimes many years) to arrive at a decision, but once that decision is made, even subconsciously, it doesn't change.