SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Had a productive, but relatively brutal therapy session on Monday. My wife expressed a fair amount of anger with the root of it being that she feels I took advantage of how supportive and kind she has always been. Specifically, I had a job with very long hours and gave up any outside interests once we had kids. Because of this, anytime I wanted to go out with friends my wife would always be supportive and never begrudged that.

Now that she knows some of the times I said I was going out with friends was really time with the AP, some of the late nights at work was actually time spent with the AP, etc she rightfully feels like I took advantage of her kindness and is pretty pissed.

I totally agree with her perspective and it got me thinking of all the shitty things I did to create time / space for the AP. If someone told me about their spouse doing even a fraction of the things I did during the affair I would rightfully think the person was just a huge asshole. I would like to think and my wife would agree I have not been that person for a long time, but when I think back on that time I have a hard time knowing that person is me, that I could be capable of treating my wife so disrespectfully, that I sacrificed any time with my kids to be with the AP, etc.

I am getting better at looking at that version of me without feeling like it defines who I am now, but wow the therapy session hit me like a ton of bricks. Seeing the raw pain and anger and knowing 1) it is 100% justified and logical, and 2) I caused it was really a sobering reminder of how lost I was during that time. I was abusing substances, drinking a lot, etc and I think that was a coping mechanism to try and numb myself so I did not feel the weight of what I was doing. The level of compartmentalization and my ability to create narratives to justify my behavior really astounds me in retrospect.

Wondering how others have coped with the realization that the infidelity goes well beyond the physical and emotional aspects and will invariable require the wayward to be a truly terrible and dishonest person. I feel like that part of me is dormant (hopefully extinct), but is still a part of me and it feels very yucky.

You can see from a different angle:

Betrayal is not competition between two potential "competitors " to pick the best partner as in normal mating / dating, relationship.

Is deception and exploitation of one mixed with self deception and deception/ exploitation of the affair partner (who often does the exact same things to you as well).

There is no care, no empathy or attachment in this.

You have only lies:

- lies you tell your partner

- lies you tell your affair partner

- lies you tell yourself

And you need all these ingredients for the affair to be enjoyable. That’s the spice that boosts your dopamine rush.

And also the low that make yourself wanting to vomit when you have to look yourself in the mirror and face what you know you do and the lies you told to the audience just don’t cut it I. The silent moment when you are alone with your reflection.

Because it is very unlikely that your value match your choices.

Unlikely you would not think how much would destroy you if the roles were reversed and you were wearing your partner’s shoes during the affair.

Unlikely you want to hear that sneaky voice scolding you about "wtf" you are doing.

It’s likely a most unpleasant emotion that is clashing with the craving for the next dopamine shot for the next meeting, because it will quiet that voice for a little while, at least until you are alone again with only yourself.

If you detach from your persona in that role and transfer those qualities to any other situation or human relationship/ interaction, or put anyone else in those shoes (the ones you wore back then when), so if that guy wasn’t you.. what would your judgment be?

I would bet it would match your above statement.

The harshest part is that for some reason, for some unresolved issue or trauma, you allowed yourself to be "that guy" at some point in time.

I feel that image is not at all what you want to be.

Because that person has betrayed themselves. So betraying anyone else is a piece of cake.

The good thing about it is that behavior do not define you. Is how you define yourself based on your inner self that generates values and behavior.

You are not a leave in a river, you have agency and choice, that’s what we call boundaries.

You are a different person already because you feel that guy and the thing that pops into your mind is "what an asshole".

Isn’t the kind of guy you’d rather punch in the fkin face if you meet him on the street? If yes then he is no longer who you are today.

That’s the version of you who can betray your values, yourself, your woman, your children, your friends, etc.

Something allowed that version to come to life and take the wheel.

That version disgusts you today, so it does not define you unless you refuse to dig what the hell allowed that "thing" to take control. If you kill your ghosts you kill that version of yourself for good as well.

And that guy probably deserves to die, you are the only one who can put it where it belongs, six feet under and spit on his grave.

Then walk through life with a clear example of what you never want to be.

I think that might be what healing could look like.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 12:17 PM, Wednesday, June 3rd]